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in need of insight from regretful cheaters


Müun

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Hi,I hope this is not going to turn into a too long unreadable post, this is why I am going to omit a lot of informations, but basically I have found out 3 months ago that my husband of two years had been cheating on me with an ex since the first months of our relationship, also after he asked me to get married. We had a child together that is 1 year old now, and after he made me leave the uk to be with him and start a new life as a family in another european country (his country) I also found out he was sexting and planning to see another ex lover (but he didn't in the end, thankfully he had a little bit of respect).

 

I have to specify that I found out about the previous cheating and the other girl all together, or else I would have never decided to marry him and have a family together of course. I've been through the worst three months of my life, listening to him saying that he loves me and made a huge mistake not cutting contacts with his previous single life after he decided to be exclusive with me (and get married to me). I have already decided to try give him another chance so comments suggesting me not to stay in this relationship are not really relevant at this point, but I would like to understand or at least listen, from a cheater's point of view, how is it possible to want to commit and to love a person but keep being interested sexually and look for attention of other women. It is really, really difficult for me to understand, as whenever I have been in a relationship and found I was even slightly interested in other people, I ended up reconsidering my commitment and ending the relationship I was in.

Also I might need to add that after I got pregnant he basically lost all his desire for me, and this hurt my identity as a woman real bad and made me insecure (I am actually an attractive woman in her late 30s but I look ten years younger).

I am really having a hard time trusting and understanding this man who disappointed me so much again, but on the other hand I see a lot of love and regret on his side, and I love him deeply too.

I would just like to see if there's people who experienced something similar in life and got trough it successfully. Thanks for your help.

S

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GorillaTheater

I guess it's within the realm of possibility that a cheater may love the person they're cheating on, but it's not the kind of love I would understand or be willing to accept.

 

 

I wish you luck, Müun. (Finnish? Estonian?)

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It is easy to understand.

You married a man who doesn't believe in monogamy.

It is not really anything to do with "love" or who he loves or doesn't....

 

This is a man who spent nearly all of your relationship and 2 year marriage, seeing another woman and who if you hadn't found out, would still be seeing her now...and he would probably be lining up another too...

This was not a drunken "mistake", or a meeting with an ex that got out of hand, this was months and months of lying to your face, whilst you carried HIS baby...

 

Of course you will never be able to trust him, how could you?

 

As the OW is his ex, she is probably in love with him and she may want to stick around forever waiting in the wings as his OW, some women do. Having a bit of him is better than nothing is the rationale, or he is feeding her a whole load of BS about how he never loved you and how he is just waiting to divorce...but he never actually makes a move to leave... It is a common story.

 

It is your choice whether you want to stay married, but I almost guarantee he will not change.

It all just depends on whether you are prepared to put up with his "indiscretions" or not.

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He actually does believe in monogamy, and said if it was me doing what he did, he would have never been able to give me another chance and is very ashamed of what he did. He's starting consueling in a couple of weeks too ( but on this I pushed him). I was hoping to hear from cheaters to be honest, to get an insight into a cheater's mindset but I guess people who do these kind of things don't really like to go around bragging about it. Still, I would appreciate it.

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He actually does believe in monogamy, and said if it was me doing what he did, he would have never been able to give me another chance and is very ashamed of what he did. He's starting consueling in a couple of weeks too ( but on this I pushed him). I was hoping to hear from cheaters to be honest, to get an insight into a cheater's mindset but I guess people who do these kind of things don't really like to go around bragging about it. Still, I would appreciate it.

 

Hey Muun, I actually cheated on my girlfriend in a past relationship a while ago. I do believe that you can still love the person that you cheat on. While there is no excuse for cheating, there a wide array of factors that can help explain PART of the why (alcohol, emotions in the moment, self control, etc.) It all varies from person to person. The other part is that plain and simple, its just a ****ty thing to do to someone. I cheated once, confessed the next day, and left it at that. The relationship didn't work out (most times it doesnt because of trust issues), but theres no excuse for continuous cheating & affair. If it was a one time thing, MAYBE things would be different, and to be honest thats completely up to you. But in your case, I would get out of that relationship quickly. IMO your husband doesn't love you and he is not sorry. He's only sorry he got caught.

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He actually does believe in monogamy, and said if it was me doing what he did, he would have never been able to give me another chance and is very ashamed of what he did. He's starting consueling in a couple of weeks too ( but on this I pushed him). I was hoping to hear from cheaters to be honest, to get an insight into a cheater's mindset but I guess people who do these kind of things don't really like to go around bragging about it. Still, I would appreciate it.

 

If you had to push him to go to counseling, it'll likely be short lived. Change happens when someone comes to the realization through their own self-reflection and awareness. He didn't come to any of it on his own -- he got caught and you forced him. All at your hand.

 

Forcing him and him going doesn't mean he wants to change but is his only way to appease your needs temporarily. Chances are he will do it again.

 

A cheater may "love" you but that sort of love isn't the kind of love that one deserves or should accept.

Edited by Zahara
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Yes I have cheated, and yes I did, and do still love him.

 

For me, sex and love are very different things, sure they can come together, but I am also very capable of sex outside of love.

 

That said.... I was absolutely 100% completely and totally faithful for 14 years....

 

Cheating from the get go, through pregnancy etc I feel is a bit different.

 

I didn't cheat because I didn't love him. I cheated because I was selfish.

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No. Its impossible to love someone and cheat on them. Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone and the pain and misery caused by it when the person you supposedly love finds out basically crushes them.

Not to mention when your cheating your usually still with your SO and your basically having sex with someone else and then coming home and lying in bed with the person you supposedly "love".

I mean think about it. Name 3 things that are the worst you could do to someone you love. I bet cheating is number 2.

And the only people that will say yes you can still love someone and cheat our those people that did it to someone. J

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Just gonna add.... I have been cheated on, and he still loves me.

 

When it comes to emotions, sex, relationships - people are complex and universal truths are rare.

 

The thing is, he has been cheating on you from the get go. The odds of it ever stopping are slim to none....

 

He was cheating on you before you two had been together long enough to fall in love. Cheated on you during "limerance" which should be an intense bonding period.... But for him, it appears it wasn't.

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He actually does believe in monogamy

 

Which part in your original post is there any indication in the slightest that your husband is/believes in monogamy?

 

You knew who he is. This kills me every time....ok, you are very shocked and surprised.

 

The question is, Muun...what are you going to do?

I think that you should put a foot down.....after all this time. If that is bothersome or too confrontational, then you should remain content with status quo (you know, the person he is before you married and had child with him.)

 

Keep up what you know that you married and smile. You and sweet baby did.not.change.him.

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LivingWaterPlease

Muun, you've stated you're going to stay with him. However, if there's any chance for your marriage to endure I believe he needs to experience painful consequences for what he's done.

 

I've seen a lot of this type thing happen and for those who cheat early in a R and suffer no consequences at all, but just say they're sorry, a lifetime of cheating usually follows.

 

If you'd separate from him, taking some time to think about whether or not you want to remain married to him, wouldn't sleep with him, etc., I believe it would help him understand what a serious thing he has done.

 

Your husband either has a sex drive he can't control or a deep need for approval and attention (which would stem from insecurity most likely) or both.

 

Therapy's a great idea but the power to change doesn't lie with the therapist. A person can be in therapy and learn all they need to know, working through issues, and if they're not motivated to change they won't.

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My question would be how do you claim to love someone and cross that line?

I mean In most cases they dont just up and sleep with someone- its pretty much planned or have been on their mind.

And once they do it they usually don't come forward unless they get caught. And that now includes lying with the cheating.

So even if you forgive the cheating aspect you now have to contend with the aspect that the person you love and TRUST has now shown the ability to lie to your face and worse hide things from you.

And it is black and white. All this nonsense being complicated is foolish- you either do right or you don't. Its really simple.

Because love also involves RESPECT for your partner and by cheating your showing a lack of respect.

For me that would be a deal breaker- if I had concrete proof someone cheated on me I wouldn't be interested in REBUILDING trust when it shouldn't have been broken in the first place.

And how would you even exactly rebuild the trust- have your partner walk around with an ankle bracelet????

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Which part in your original post is there any indication in the slightest that your husband is/believes in monogamy?

 

Her husband believes in monogamy *for his wife*, whereas he can sow his wild oats. Talk about hypocrisy.

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Which part in your original post is there any indication in the slightest that your husband is/believes in monogamy?

 

You knew who he is. This kills me every time....ok, you are very shocked and surprised.

 

The question is, Muun...what are you going to do?

I think that you should put a foot down.....after all this time. If that is bothersome or too confrontational, then you should remain content with status quo (you know, the person he is before you married and had child with him.)

 

Keep up what you know that you married and smile. You and sweet baby did.not.change.him.

 

No I didn't know, I found out everything just about 3 months ago and we're married and have a child together and I have left everything for him. Of course I wouldn't have married him if I knew it.

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Hi, I wrote this post in the second chances forum already but I didn't get the insight I was looking for unfortunately.

 

I am looking for insight from ex-cheaters, regretful ones, who cheated even if they loved their partners, because that is what my husband unfortunately did.

 

I have found out 3 months ago that my husband of two years had been cheating on me with an ex in the first months of our relationship, also after he asked me to get married (he did after only 4 months in the relationship, we're in our late 30s).

 

We had a child together that is a bit more than 1 year old now, and after he made me leave the uk to be with him and start a new life as a family in another european country (his country) I also found out he was sexting and planning to see another ex lover (but he didn't in the end, thankfully he had a little bit of respect).

 

I have to specify that I found out about the previous cheating and the other girl all together, or else I would have NEVER decided to marry him and have a family together of course.

 

I've been through the worst three months of my life, listening to him saying that he loves me and made a huge mistake not cutting contacts with his past after he decided to be exclusive with me (and get married to me). I saw him crying in a corner of our child's room all night, shaking, asking me to not look at him and to leave him, because he's not good enough for me and our family.

I didn't leave him alone, I was afraid he would do something stupid to be honest.

 

I have already decided to try give him another chance so comments suggesting me not to stay in this relationship are not really relevant at this point.

I know it's difficult to understand my point of view, but I don't have self esteem issues and I am aware that these other women are not worth a fraction of me.

 

What I would like to understand or at least listen, from a cheater's point of view is: how is it possible to want to commit and to love a person but keep being interested sexually and look for attention of other women. And why exes or people you've never even wanted to be in a relationship with?

 

It is really, really difficult for me to understand, as whenever I have been in a relationship and found I was even slightly interested in other people, I ended up reconsidering my commitment and ending the relationship I was in.

 

Also I might need to add that after I got pregnant he basically lost all his desire for me. We haven't had sex for almost a year and a half, and this hurt my identity as a woman really bad and made me insecure towards him. even if I am actually a quite attractive woman, late 30s, and look ten years younger.

 

I am having a hard time trusting and understanding this man who disappointed me so much, but on the other hand I see a lot of shame and regret for what he did on his side, and love for me and our daughter, and I love him deeply too.

 

Maybe it could help to know that I am currently the breadwinner at home (so I'm not staying for status or financial security) and I have a good career (was making 3 times the money he did since the beginning)

 

So, I love him, I don't need him, and think I could possibly find someone better out there, but I don't want, not yet. I married him and promised to be by his side even when he fails and things are not good, so I want to give him and our family another chance.

 

I would like to see if there's people who experienced something similar in life and got trough it, one way or another. Thanks for your help.

S

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I come from a family of men that cheat. I'm going to give it to you straight, he's not going to stop. He's already done this, when your relationship is going to be the happiest. Men that can't stop themselves can only love to the best of their ability...you're going to have to figure out if that's good enough for you.

 

He's crying bc his comfort is being threatened. You're his comfort that he comes back to after getting he's other needs met. He's already turned on you before you got married & after having a baby by stopping affection...don't let emotional outbursts fool you. Unless he goes to therapy & you "show him" this is really his last shot...you'll be in this same predicament with him again.

 

I don't know what European country he comes from but many times, there is cultural differences when it comes to infidelity. In my family (& they're Eastern European/mediterranean) it's "men will be men".

 

you have a lot to figure out & it must be difficult with being a newer mom. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this process...good luck

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I am regretful cheater - out of 15.5 years of faithfulness I cheated for 6 months.

 

This man is a HABITUAL cheater.

 

He was NEVER faithful to you. He lost desire for you. He placed other before you.

 

Those things I find very troubling.

 

Okay - so my story as to WHY? Well, before I met my husband I was never much of an monogamous myself. I always had a pretty casual view of sex, and in the past really enjoyed FWB relationships - something about having a relationship for sex, and sex only I found very freeing.

 

So there is some background, never needed an emotional connection for great sex.

 

And really, it's all me, I know it's my fault, my bad choices, I am NOT blaming him, but there where some contributing factor.

 

My husband suffers from bouts of depression, and it can be hard for him to give me the extra attention that I didn't know I was needing - until I started getting it. It had been so long since I felt really desired, eons since I felt "sexy" (and sex is so important to me) - and when that extra attention stepped into my life it was like a drug.

 

I wanted that high, once I got a taste, then like an addict I chased my fix. I loved the attention, I loved doing something for me, and only me, to be selfish for a change. It was easy to not feel bad about it until he found out - and I had to realize the pain I had caused.

 

The other man? Yeah not someone I would have ever pursed a relationship with, but he was charming, extremely handsome, and 9 years my junior - which simply served to stroke my ego even more. I would have never thought to get involved with an ex - to me it was important that it was only about sex and stroking my ego.

 

Meanwhile - I never neglected my husband, I got pushier about initiating sex, but otherwise he had no clues.

 

I am sure he genuinely feels bad for crushing you, but I think he will need some serious therapy, and do all sorts of back flips to show you have absolutely serious he is. This isn't a one time opps. This isn't a little rough patch, this has been going on throughout your entire relationship. You have never had a committed, monogamous relationship with him.

 

Creating one now, after all of this damage is going to be a hard uphill battle.

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Maybe it could help to know that I am currently the breadwinner at home (so I'm not staying for status or financial security) and I have a good career (was making 3 times the money he did since the beginning)

You being the breadwinner could be why he married you, even though he was never really exclusively committed to you both before and after the marriage. Of course he is upset and afraid at the possibility of losing you. Financially this is worse for him than losing his job, because if loses his job he can always get another one, but finding a women that makes 3 times what he does is not as easy to replace.

 

You yourself admit that you would have never married him had you known of his cheating before you got married. Why does having a marriage certificate that he has disrespected from day one, make you want to stay in the marriage?

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I've never cheated but I have been in a sexless marriage. I can tell you that if my wife had no interest in me coupled with a strong interest in other men, the combination would be a killer.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but you should dump his shivering, crying, don't-look-at-me ass. The only honest thing he's told you so far is that he's not good enough for you.

 

If you do choose to stay, maybe the above is part of the problem that he needs to work through. You've outdone him in every way. You earn more, you're probably better looking, you've got your act together, where he clearly doesn't. I bet you even parent better than he does. So he's probably really insecure and somewhat resentful around you. The other girls stroke his ego just by virtue of the fact that they're "beneath" him. They're the ones he's comfortable around because he can actually believe their interest in him.

 

It's just a theory--I really don't know what's going on in his head. But if I'm correct, these are issues that he needs to work on, not you.

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You need two, very committed partners to reconcile a marriage after infidelity... It doesn't sound like you have that.

 

He is a habitual cheater. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

I'm sorry. Take care of your child. Really think about staying with this man. It will be a very long road...

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What I would like to understand or at least listen, from a cheater's point of view is: how is it possible to want to commit and to love a person but keep being interested sexually and look for attention of other women. And why exes or people you've never even wanted to be in a relationship with?

S

 

I have wondered the same thing. Asked the MM I was involved with about it, because I couldn't really wrap my head around it either. According to him, he has a beautiful, sweet wife at home that he loves. So why cheat on her? He tried to explain it to me various ways, but the only explanation that seemed to get close to the truth was that he had a problem, and the problem was that he needed attention (especially from women, I'm assuming).

 

I believe MM is a narcissist. He NEEDS that attention in order to feel whole. After the wife has children her focus is directed on them, so the narcissist has to look elsewhere for supply. It's really not the wife's fault - there is no amount of attention that is going to satisfy a narcissist, because there is a bottomless black pit of need inside that can't ever be filled. So they have to keep jumping from one woman to the next for that quick fix.

[]

 

Maybe this isn't the case with your husband, but I am pretty sure it was with MM, and probably the incidence is higher with men who cheat on their wives in general.

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Crying does not make a man changed.

 

Of course you love him, else, you would not have married him in the first place. But this does not change 2 facts: he stopped desiring for you, and cheated on you.

 

Give him another chance, but put a limit into it. Put conditions, list them all down and make 2 copies, for yourself, and for him. Give his copy and read it to him. Once your violation limits are met, time to say bye, bye, baby.

 

Good riddance.

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Its pretty simple. When you're in the act of cheating, your SO rarely comes into the thought process. At least, in my case. Cheaters are usually only focused on their needs & desires being met. Selfishness in its rarest form. He probably never really focused on what he would lose and/or if he did, he rejected the notion that he was doing anything wrong (he "loves" you but he deserves to have fun) and that he would even get caught. There is a lot of justifying that takes place. People who have cheated, have weak boundaries and poor moral compasses. Not to mention, extremely wreck less. In my case, I just wanted some excitement and I didn't care who I hurt in the process. It was all about me. No, it isn't your job to repair this but if this is the man you want to be with, you have to help him see that he needs to change his thought processes and nature. You can't "rug-sweep." With that said, you can only help someone who actually wants to be helped.

 

I'm sure there is a place where he "loves" you. You just have to truly decide if you can live with his variation of love. It takes a mentally strong person to go back to a cheater. It also takes a mentally strong person to stop cheating. Sure, give him one more chance but don't be surprised if it happens again. I pray that it doesn't for the sake of your family.

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Maybe it could help to know that I am currently the breadwinner at home (so I'm not staying for status or financial security) and I have a good career (was making 3 times the money he did since the beginning)

 

Interesting.

Research has found that breadwinning spouses are more likely to be cheated on, and that’s especially true for breadwinning wives.

 

It is thought such men use the affairs to shore up their sense of their own masculinity...

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