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in need of insight from regretful cheaters


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 29th September 2017, 4:17 PM   #16
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I come from a family of men that cheat. I'm going to give it to you straight, he's not going to stop. He's already done this, when your relationship is going to be the happiest. Men that can't stop themselves can only love to the best of their ability...you're going to have to figure out if that's good enough for you.

He's crying bc his comfort is being threatened. You're his comfort that he comes back to after getting he's other needs met. He's already turned on you before you got married & after having a baby by stopping affection...don't let emotional outbursts fool you. Unless he goes to therapy & you "show him" this is really his last shot...you'll be in this same predicament with him again.

I don't know what European country he comes from but many times, there is cultural differences when it comes to infidelity. In my family (& they're Eastern European/mediterranean) it's "men will be men".

you have a lot to figure out & it must be difficult with being a newer mom. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this process...good luck
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Old 29th September 2017, 4:37 PM   #17
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I am regretful cheater - out of 15.5 years of faithfulness I cheated for 6 months.

This man is a HABITUAL cheater.

He was NEVER faithful to you. He lost desire for you. He placed other before you.

Those things I find very troubling.

Okay - so my story as to WHY? Well, before I met my husband I was never much of an monogamous myself. I always had a pretty casual view of sex, and in the past really enjoyed FWB relationships - something about having a relationship for sex, and sex only I found very freeing.

So there is some background, never needed an emotional connection for great sex.

And really, it's all me, I know it's my fault, my bad choices, I am NOT blaming him, but there where some contributing factor.

My husband suffers from bouts of depression, and it can be hard for him to give me the extra attention that I didn't know I was needing - until I started getting it. It had been so long since I felt really desired, eons since I felt "sexy" (and sex is so important to me) - and when that extra attention stepped into my life it was like a drug.

I wanted that high, once I got a taste, then like an addict I chased my fix. I loved the attention, I loved doing something for me, and only me, to be selfish for a change. It was easy to not feel bad about it until he found out - and I had to realize the pain I had caused.

The other man? Yeah not someone I would have ever pursed a relationship with, but he was charming, extremely handsome, and 9 years my junior - which simply served to stroke my ego even more. I would have never thought to get involved with an ex - to me it was important that it was only about sex and stroking my ego.

Meanwhile - I never neglected my husband, I got pushier about initiating sex, but otherwise he had no clues.

I am sure he genuinely feels bad for crushing you, but I think he will need some serious therapy, and do all sorts of back flips to show you have absolutely serious he is. This isn't a one time opps. This isn't a little rough patch, this has been going on throughout your entire relationship. You have never had a committed, monogamous relationship with him.

Creating one now, after all of this damage is going to be a hard uphill battle.
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Old 29th September 2017, 4:56 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by Mun View Post
Maybe it could help to know that I am currently the breadwinner at home (so I'm not staying for status or financial security) and I have a good career (was making 3 times the money he did since the beginning)
You being the breadwinner could be why he married you, even though he was never really exclusively committed to you both before and after the marriage. Of course he is upset and afraid at the possibility of losing you. Financially this is worse for him than losing his job, because if loses his job he can always get another one, but finding a women that makes 3 times what he does is not as easy to replace.

You yourself admit that you would have never married him had you known of his cheating before you got married. Why does having a marriage certificate that he has disrespected from day one, make you want to stay in the marriage?
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Old 29th September 2017, 6:25 PM   #19
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I've never cheated but I have been in a sexless marriage. I can tell you that if my wife had no interest in me coupled with a strong interest in other men, the combination would be a killer.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you should dump his shivering, crying, don't-look-at-me ass. The only honest thing he's told you so far is that he's not good enough for you.

If you do choose to stay, maybe the above is part of the problem that he needs to work through. You've outdone him in every way. You earn more, you're probably better looking, you've got your act together, where he clearly doesn't. I bet you even parent better than he does. So he's probably really insecure and somewhat resentful around you. The other girls stroke his ego just by virtue of the fact that they're "beneath" him. They're the ones he's comfortable around because he can actually believe their interest in him.

It's just a theory--I really don't know what's going on in his head. But if I'm correct, these are issues that he needs to work on, not you.
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Old 29th September 2017, 7:33 PM   #20
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You need two, very committed partners to reconcile a marriage after infidelity... It doesn't sound like you have that.

He is a habitual cheater. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

I'm sorry. Take care of your child. Really think about staying with this man. It will be a very long road...
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Old 29th September 2017, 10:12 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by Mun View Post
What I would like to understand or at least listen, from a cheater's point of view is: how is it possible to want to commit and to love a person but keep being interested sexually and look for attention of other women. And why exes or people you've never even wanted to be in a relationship with?
S
I have wondered the same thing. Asked the MM I was involved with about it, because I couldn't really wrap my head around it either. According to him, he has a beautiful, sweet wife at home that he loves. So why cheat on her? He tried to explain it to me various ways, but the only explanation that seemed to get close to the truth was that he had a problem, and the problem was that he needed attention (especially from women, I'm assuming).

I believe MM is a narcissist. He NEEDS that attention in order to feel whole. After the wife has children her focus is directed on them, so the narcissist has to look elsewhere for supply. It's really not the wife's fault - there is no amount of attention that is going to satisfy a narcissist, because there is a bottomless black pit of need inside that can't ever be filled. So they have to keep jumping from one woman to the next for that quick fix.
[]

Maybe this isn't the case with your husband, but I am pretty sure it was with MM, and probably the incidence is higher with men who cheat on their wives in general.

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Old 30th September 2017, 1:12 AM   #22
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Crying does not make a man changed.

Of course you love him, else, you would not have married him in the first place. But this does not change 2 facts: he stopped desiring for you, and cheated on you.

Give him another chance, but put a limit into it. Put conditions, list them all down and make 2 copies, for yourself, and for him. Give his copy and read it to him. Once your violation limits are met, time to say bye, bye, baby.

Good riddance.
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Old 30th September 2017, 4:28 AM   #23
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Its pretty simple. When you're in the act of cheating, your SO rarely comes into the thought process. At least, in my case. Cheaters are usually only focused on their needs & desires being met. Selfishness in its rarest form. He probably never really focused on what he would lose and/or if he did, he rejected the notion that he was doing anything wrong (he "loves" you but he deserves to have fun) and that he would even get caught. There is a lot of justifying that takes place. People who have cheated, have weak boundaries and poor moral compasses. Not to mention, extremely wreck less. In my case, I just wanted some excitement and I didn't care who I hurt in the process. It was all about me. No, it isn't your job to repair this but if this is the man you want to be with, you have to help him see that he needs to change his thought processes and nature. You can't "rug-sweep." With that said, you can only help someone who actually wants to be helped.

I'm sure there is a place where he "loves" you. You just have to truly decide if you can live with his variation of love. It takes a mentally strong person to go back to a cheater. It also takes a mentally strong person to stop cheating. Sure, give him one more chance but don't be surprised if it happens again. I pray that it doesn't for the sake of your family.
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Old 30th September 2017, 5:51 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun View Post
Maybe it could help to know that I am currently the breadwinner at home (so I'm not staying for status or financial security) and I have a good career (was making 3 times the money he did since the beginning)
Interesting.
Research has found that breadwinning spouses are more likely to be cheated on, and that’s especially true for breadwinning wives.

It is thought such men use the affairs to shore up their sense of their own masculinity...
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Old 30th September 2017, 8:41 AM   #25
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What have you done to save your marriage and
where is your BH's mind at now?
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Old 30th September 2017, 1:10 PM   #26
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Hi, I wrote this post in the second chances forum already but I didn't get the insight I was looking for unfortunately.

I am looking for insight from ex-cheaters, regretful ones, who cheated even if they loved their partners, because that is what my husband unfortunately did.

I have found out 3 months ago that my husband of two years had been cheating on me with an ex in the first months of our relationship, also after he asked me to get married (he did after only 4 months in the relationship, we're in our late 30s).

We had a child together that is a bit more than 1 year old now, and after he made me leave the uk to be with him and start a new life as a family in another european country (his country) I also found out he was sexting and planning to see another ex lover (but he didn't in the end, thankfully he had a little bit of respect).

I have to specify that I found out about the previous cheating and the other girl all together, or else I would have NEVER decided to marry him and have a family together of course.

I've been through the worst three months of my life, listening to him saying that he loves me and made a huge mistake not cutting contacts with his past after he decided to be exclusive with me (and get married to me). I saw him crying in a corner of our child's room all night, shaking, asking me to not look at him and to leave him, because he's not good enough for me and our family.
I didn't leave him alone, I was afraid he would do something stupid to be honest.

I have already decided to try give him another chance so comments suggesting me not to stay in this relationship are not really relevant at this point.
I know it's difficult to understand my point of view, but I don't have self esteem issues and I am aware that these other women are not worth a fraction of me.

What I would like to understand or at least listen, from a cheater's point of view is: how is it possible to want to commit and to love a person but keep being interested sexually and look for attention of other women. And why exes or people you've never even wanted to be in a relationship with?

It is really, really difficult for me to understand, as whenever I have been in a relationship and found I was even slightly interested in other people, I ended up reconsidering my commitment and ending the relationship I was in.

Also I might need to add that after I got pregnant he basically lost all his desire for me. We haven't had sex for almost a year and a half, and this hurt my identity as a woman really bad and made me insecure towards him. even if I am actually a quite attractive woman, late 30s, and look ten years younger.

I am having a hard time trusting and understanding this man who disappointed me so much, but on the other hand I see a lot of shame and regret for what he did on his side, and love for me and our daughter, and I love him deeply too.

Maybe it could help to know that I am currently the breadwinner at home (so I'm not staying for status or financial security) and I have a good career (was making 3 times the money he did since the beginning)

So, I love him, I don't need him, and think I could possibly find someone better out there, but I don't want, not yet. I married him and promised to be by his side even when he fails and things are not good, so I want to give him and our family another chance.

I would like to see if there's people who experienced something similar in life and got trough it, one way or another. Thanks for your help.
S
My advice to you would be to go see a lawyer, regardless of what you might be feeling for him at the minute. You are a breadwinner who lives in a foreign country, with a child. Know what your rights are and what would happen if it gets bad and you have to have a divorce. Divorce & custody rights are extremely messing when they become international, especially if you do not wish to live in that country for the rest of your life.

Be aware that The EU can make you stay there, if you wish to keep custody of your child, if he does not have the financial means to visit the child.

GET a passport for your child immediately, if you don't already have one, as he will have to sign the application form. That way he can not hold you captured so to speak.

Get a notary signed letter have the lawyer write it, that says you have permission to take your child out of the country. This way he cannot get you for Kidnapping. Tell him it's for travel purposes to go see your parents for the Christmas holidays.

Even if you do not think now you will not need these things, I advise you now to do them, before you have any disagreements with him. You sound like your a smart, levelheaded person, continue to be so for the well being of your child.

Chances are things will die down in the short term, because he will not wish to lose you, & the child who represent his comfort food. But that will not always be the case, as others here have said, he will most likely do it again. It is what happened to me. So, quietly start to protect yourself and your child in the meanwhile.

I'm advising you to do these things out of personal experience with international divorce.
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:07 PM   #27
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Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Southwardbound View Post
My advice to you would be to go see a lawyer, regardless of what you might be feeling for him at the minute. You are a breadwinner who lives in a foreign country, with a child. Know what your rights are and what would happen if it gets bad and you have to have a divorce. Divorce & custody rights are extremely messing when they become international, especially if you do not wish to live in that country for the rest of your life.

Be aware that The EU can make you stay there, if you wish to keep custody of your child, if he does not have the financial means to visit the child.

GET a passport for your child immediately, if you don't already have one, as he will have to sign the application form. That way he can not hold you captured so to speak.

Get a notary signed letter have the lawyer write it, that says you have permission to take your child out of the country. This way he cannot get you for Kidnapping. Tell him it's for travel purposes to go see your parents for the Christmas holidays.

Even if you do not think now you will not need these things, I advise you now to do them, before you have any disagreements with him. You sound like your a smart, levelheaded person, continue to be so for the well being of your child.

Chances are things will die down in the short term, because he will not wish to lose you, & the child who represent his comfort food. But that will not always be the case, as others here have said, he will most likely do it again. It is what happened to me. So, quietly start to protect yourself and your child in the meanwhile.

I'm advising you to do these things out of personal experience with international divorce.
The child has a British passport already and I can easily find proofs of his cheating plus some others not properly legal behaviours. That shouldn't be a problem. Thank you!
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:17 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
I am regretful cheater - out of 15.5 years of faithfulness I cheated for 6 months.

This man is a HABITUAL cheater.

He was NEVER faithful to you. He lost desire for you. He placed other before you.

Those things I find very troubling.

Okay - so my story as to WHY? Well, before I met my husband I was never much of an monogamous myself. I always had a pretty casual view of sex, and in the past really enjoyed FWB relationships - something about having a relationship for sex, and sex only I found very freeing.

So there is some background, never needed an emotional connection for great sex.

And really, it's all me, I know it's my fault, my bad choices, I am NOT blaming him, but there where some contributing factor.

My husband suffers from bouts of depression, and it can be hard for him to give me the extra attention that I didn't know I was needing - until I started getting it. It had been so long since I felt really desired, eons since I felt "sexy" (and sex is so important to me) - and when that extra attention stepped into my life it was like a drug.

I wanted that high, once I got a taste, then like an addict I chased my fix. I loved the attention, I loved doing something for me, and only me, to be selfish for a change. It was easy to not feel bad about it until he found out - and I had to realize the pain I had caused.

The other man? Yeah not someone I would have ever pursed a relationship with, but he was charming, extremely handsome, and 9 years my junior - which simply served to stroke my ego even more. I would have never thought to get involved with an ex - to me it was important that it was only about sex and stroking my ego.

Meanwhile - I never neglected my husband, I got pushier about initiating sex, but otherwise he had no clues.

I am sure he genuinely feels bad for crushing you, but I think he will need some serious therapy, and do all sorts of back flips to show you have absolutely serious he is. This isn't a one time opps. This isn't a little rough patch, this has been going on throughout your entire relationship. You have never had a committed, monogamous relationship with him.

Creating one now, after all of this damage is going to be a hard uphill battle.
My husband is the one who's been suffering from depression and anxiety for years, years before meeting me. I accepted to leave the uk because he was really unhappy there and when I did, together with being a new mum, not speaking the language and not having my own social circle he felt like his rock (Me) was now fragile. I'm not justifying him at all. He did something ****ty to me when I was at my most vulnerable, instead of supporting me or just being there.
What I think tho is that he might have felt overwhelmed with responsibilities and decided to run away in a world of nostalgia and fantasy, back then when nobody was expecting anything from him. Anything more than a good time every once in a while I mean. He's never had serious committed relationships before me basically and was a single man with many flings for a few years, his ex and him had broken up 3 years before but stated **** buddies even if she was in w new relationship. After we got together I know for sure they had sex twice but then kept texting. She was in another relationship too and when me and him moved in together right after we found out I was pregnant apparently they decided to stop seeing each other. Now I am waiting for proof about this, because I don't trust his word only anymore.
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:22 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by road View Post
What have you done to save your marriage and
where is your BH's mind at now?
He's stopped all contacts and deleted from social media and blocked on phone/whatsapp Borg people and all the other people he had something before in his life that he used to keep in touch with.
I have started consueling alone for now and this month he's starting therapy too.
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:33 PM   #30
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Its pretty simple. When you're in the act of cheating, your SO rarely comes into the thought process. At least, in my case. Cheaters are usually only focused on their needs & desires being met. Selfishness in its rarest form. He probably never really focused on what he would lose and/or if he did, he rejected the notion that he was doing anything wrong (he "loves" you but he deserves to have fun) and that he would even get caught. There is a lot of justifying that takes place. People who have cheated, have weak boundaries and poor moral compasses. Not to mention, extremely wreck less. In my case, I just wanted some excitement and I didn't care who I hurt in the process. It was all about me. No, it isn't your job to repair this but if this is the man you want to be with, you have to help him see that he needs to change his thought processes and nature. You can't "rug-sweep." With that said, you can only help someone who actually wants to be helped.

I'm sure there is a place where he "loves" you. You just have to truly decide if you can live with his variation of love. It takes a mentally strong person to go back to a cheater. It also takes a mentally strong person to stop cheating. Sure, give him one more chance but don't be surprised if it happens again. I pray that it doesn't for the sake of your family.
Thanks very much for this, it is exactly what I was looking for. I can't relate to this kind of beahaviour but you sound like someone who did some soul searching and you've done w good job verbalizing it. Of course it sucks thinking that my husband could pretend I didn't exist every once in w while for the sake of his own fun. Even more sucks the fact that he couldn't look for this kind of fun with me, because I could have given him the same and probably better. But, if excitement and the illicit are what a cheater might look for then of course as the main partner I couldn't have given him this. It all sucks because his weakness sucks, but I think that if you love someone ( and I think I am a mentally strong person) you can at least try to get over it and start a completely new relationship with hopefully a new and better person.
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