LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

in need of insight from regretful cheaters


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree62Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 27th September 2017, 9:00 AM   #1
Mun
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 21
Cheating on a person you really love. Is that even remotely possible?

Hi,I hope this is not going to turn into a too long unreadable post, this is why I am going to omit a lot of informations, but basically I have found out 3 months ago that my husband of two years had been cheating on me with an ex since the first months of our relationship, also after he asked me to get married. We had a child together that is 1 year old now, and after he made me leave the uk to be with him and start a new life as a family in another european country (his country) I also found out he was sexting and planning to see another ex lover (but he didn't in the end, thankfully he had a little bit of respect).

I have to specify that I found out about the previous cheating and the other girl all together, or else I would have never decided to marry him and have a family together of course. I've been through the worst three months of my life, listening to him saying that he loves me and made a huge mistake not cutting contacts with his previous single life after he decided to be exclusive with me (and get married to me). I have already decided to try give him another chance so comments suggesting me not to stay in this relationship are not really relevant at this point, but I would like to understand or at least listen, from a cheater's point of view, how is it possible to want to commit and to love a person but keep being interested sexually and look for attention of other women. It is really, really difficult for me to understand, as whenever I have been in a relationship and found I was even slightly interested in other people, I ended up reconsidering my commitment and ending the relationship I was in.
Also I might need to add that after I got pregnant he basically lost all his desire for me, and this hurt my identity as a woman real bad and made me insecure (I am actually an attractive woman in her late 30s but I look ten years younger).
I am really having a hard time trusting and understanding this man who disappointed me so much again, but on the other hand I see a lot of love and regret on his side, and I love him deeply too.
I would just like to see if there's people who experienced something similar in life and got trough it successfully. Thanks for your help.
S
Mun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 9:08 AM   #2
Established Member
 
GorillaTheater's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,423
I guess it's within the realm of possibility that a cheater may love the person they're cheating on, but it's not the kind of love I would understand or be willing to accept.


I wish you luck, Mun. (Finnish? Estonian?)
GorillaTheater is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 9:36 AM   #3
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 13,261
It is easy to understand.
You married a man who doesn't believe in monogamy.
It is not really anything to do with "love" or who he loves or doesn't....

This is a man who spent nearly all of your relationship and 2 year marriage, seeing another woman and who if you hadn't found out, would still be seeing her now...and he would probably be lining up another too...
This was not a drunken "mistake", or a meeting with an ex that got out of hand, this was months and months of lying to your face, whilst you carried HIS baby...

Of course you will never be able to trust him, how could you?

As the OW is his ex, she is probably in love with him and she may want to stick around forever waiting in the wings as his OW, some women do. Having a bit of him is better than nothing is the rationale, or he is feeding her a whole load of BS about how he never loved you and how he is just waiting to divorce...but he never actually makes a move to leave... It is a common story.

It is your choice whether you want to stay married, but I almost guarantee he will not change.
It all just depends on whether you are prepared to put up with his "indiscretions" or not.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 1:22 PM   #4
Mun
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 21
He actually does believe in monogamy, and said if it was me doing what he did, he would have never been able to give me another chance and is very ashamed of what he did. He's starting consueling in a couple of weeks too ( but on this I pushed him). I was hoping to hear from cheaters to be honest, to get an insight into a cheater's mindset but I guess people who do these kind of things don't really like to go around bragging about it. Still, I would appreciate it.
Mun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 1:43 PM   #5
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun View Post
He actually does believe in monogamy, and said if it was me doing what he did, he would have never been able to give me another chance and is very ashamed of what he did. He's starting consueling in a couple of weeks too ( but on this I pushed him). I was hoping to hear from cheaters to be honest, to get an insight into a cheater's mindset but I guess people who do these kind of things don't really like to go around bragging about it. Still, I would appreciate it.
Hey Muun, I actually cheated on my girlfriend in a past relationship a while ago. I do believe that you can still love the person that you cheat on. While there is no excuse for cheating, there a wide array of factors that can help explain PART of the why (alcohol, emotions in the moment, self control, etc.) It all varies from person to person. The other part is that plain and simple, its just a ****ty thing to do to someone. I cheated once, confessed the next day, and left it at that. The relationship didn't work out (most times it doesnt because of trust issues), but theres no excuse for continuous cheating & affair. If it was a one time thing, MAYBE things would be different, and to be honest thats completely up to you. But in your case, I would get out of that relationship quickly. IMO your husband doesn't love you and he is not sorry. He's only sorry he got caught.
BigNoe20 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 2:05 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 8,040
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun View Post
He actually does believe in monogamy, and said if it was me doing what he did, he would have never been able to give me another chance and is very ashamed of what he did. He's starting consueling in a couple of weeks too ( but on this I pushed him). I was hoping to hear from cheaters to be honest, to get an insight into a cheater's mindset but I guess people who do these kind of things don't really like to go around bragging about it. Still, I would appreciate it.
If you had to push him to go to counseling, it'll likely be short lived. Change happens when someone comes to the realization through their own self-reflection and awareness. He didn't come to any of it on his own -- he got caught and you forced him. All at your hand.

Forcing him and him going doesn't mean he wants to change but is his only way to appease your needs temporarily. Chances are he will do it again.

A cheater may "love" you but that sort of love isn't the kind of love that one deserves or should accept.
__________________
One regret, my dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough ~ Hafiz

Last edited by Zahara; 27th September 2017 at 2:08 PM..
Zahara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 2:48 PM   #7
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,677
Yes I have cheated, and yes I did, and do still love him.

For me, sex and love are very different things, sure they can come together, but I am also very capable of sex outside of love.

That said.... I was absolutely 100% completely and totally faithful for 14 years....

Cheating from the get go, through pregnancy etc I feel is a bit different.

I didn't cheat because I didn't love him. I cheated because I was selfish.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 3:43 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 645
No. Its impossible to love someone and cheat on them. Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone and the pain and misery caused by it when the person you supposedly love finds out basically crushes them.
Not to mention when your cheating your usually still with your SO and your basically having sex with someone else and then coming home and lying in bed with the person you supposedly "love".
I mean think about it. Name 3 things that are the worst you could do to someone you love. I bet cheating is number 2.
And the only people that will say yes you can still love someone and cheat our those people that did it to someone. J
Been is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 5:34 PM   #9
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,677
Just gonna add.... I have been cheated on, and he still loves me.

When it comes to emotions, sex, relationships - people are complex and universal truths are rare.

The thing is, he has been cheating on you from the get go. The odds of it ever stopping are slim to none....

He was cheating on you before you two had been together long enough to fall in love. Cheated on you during "limerance" which should be an intense bonding period.... But for him, it appears it wasn't.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 6:06 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Timshel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,939
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun View Post
He actually does believe in monogamy
Which part in your original post is there any indication in the slightest that your husband is/believes in monogamy?

You knew who he is. This kills me every time....ok, you are very shocked and surprised.

The question is, Muun...what are you going to do?
I think that you should put a foot down.....after all this time. If that is bothersome or too confrontational, then you should remain content with status quo (you know, the person he is before you married and had child with him.)

Keep up what you know that you married and smile. You and sweet baby did.not.change.him.
Timshel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 6:54 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,268
Muun, you've stated you're going to stay with him. However, if there's any chance for your marriage to endure I believe he needs to experience painful consequences for what he's done.

I've seen a lot of this type thing happen and for those who cheat early in a R and suffer no consequences at all, but just say they're sorry, a lifetime of cheating usually follows.

If you'd separate from him, taking some time to think about whether or not you want to remain married to him, wouldn't sleep with him, etc., I believe it would help him understand what a serious thing he has done.

Your husband either has a sex drive he can't control or a deep need for approval and attention (which would stem from insecurity most likely) or both.

Therapy's a great idea but the power to change doesn't lie with the therapist. A person can be in therapy and learn all they need to know, working through issues, and if they're not motivated to change they won't.
Arieswoman and Mun like this.
LivingWaterPlease is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 7:46 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 645
My question would be how do you claim to love someone and cross that line?
I mean In most cases they dont just up and sleep with someone- its pretty much planned or have been on their mind.
And once they do it they usually don't come forward unless they get caught. And that now includes lying with the cheating.
So even if you forgive the cheating aspect you now have to contend with the aspect that the person you love and TRUST has now shown the ability to lie to your face and worse hide things from you.
And it is black and white. All this nonsense being complicated is foolish- you either do right or you don't. Its really simple.
Because love also involves RESPECT for your partner and by cheating your showing a lack of respect.
For me that would be a deal breaker- if I had concrete proof someone cheated on me I wouldn't be interested in REBUILDING trust when it shouldn't have been broken in the first place.
And how would you even exactly rebuild the trust- have your partner walk around with an ankle bracelet????
JuneL and Mun like this.
Been is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 8:09 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 824
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timshel View Post
Which part in your original post is there any indication in the slightest that your husband is/believes in monogamy?
Her husband believes in monogamy *for his wife*, whereas he can sow his wild oats. Talk about hypocrisy.
JuneL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th September 2017, 10:20 AM   #14
Mun
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timshel View Post
Which part in your original post is there any indication in the slightest that your husband is/believes in monogamy?

You knew who he is. This kills me every time....ok, you are very shocked and surprised.

The question is, Muun...what are you going to do?
I think that you should put a foot down.....after all this time. If that is bothersome or too confrontational, then you should remain content with status quo (you know, the person he is before you married and had child with him.)

Keep up what you know that you married and smile. You and sweet baby did.not.change.him.
No I didn't know, I found out everything just about 3 months ago and we're married and have a child together and I have left everything for him. Of course I wouldn't have married him if I knew it.
Mun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th September 2017, 2:36 PM   #15
Mun
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 21
in need of insight from regretful cheaters

Hi, I wrote this post in the second chances forum already but I didn't get the insight I was looking for unfortunately.

I am looking for insight from ex-cheaters, regretful ones, who cheated even if they loved their partners, because that is what my husband unfortunately did.

I have found out 3 months ago that my husband of two years had been cheating on me with an ex in the first months of our relationship, also after he asked me to get married (he did after only 4 months in the relationship, we're in our late 30s).

We had a child together that is a bit more than 1 year old now, and after he made me leave the uk to be with him and start a new life as a family in another european country (his country) I also found out he was sexting and planning to see another ex lover (but he didn't in the end, thankfully he had a little bit of respect).

I have to specify that I found out about the previous cheating and the other girl all together, or else I would have NEVER decided to marry him and have a family together of course.

I've been through the worst three months of my life, listening to him saying that he loves me and made a huge mistake not cutting contacts with his past after he decided to be exclusive with me (and get married to me). I saw him crying in a corner of our child's room all night, shaking, asking me to not look at him and to leave him, because he's not good enough for me and our family.
I didn't leave him alone, I was afraid he would do something stupid to be honest.

I have already decided to try give him another chance so comments suggesting me not to stay in this relationship are not really relevant at this point.
I know it's difficult to understand my point of view, but I don't have self esteem issues and I am aware that these other women are not worth a fraction of me.

What I would like to understand or at least listen, from a cheater's point of view is: how is it possible to want to commit and to love a person but keep being interested sexually and look for attention of other women. And why exes or people you've never even wanted to be in a relationship with?

It is really, really difficult for me to understand, as whenever I have been in a relationship and found I was even slightly interested in other people, I ended up reconsidering my commitment and ending the relationship I was in.

Also I might need to add that after I got pregnant he basically lost all his desire for me. We haven't had sex for almost a year and a half, and this hurt my identity as a woman really bad and made me insecure towards him. even if I am actually a quite attractive woman, late 30s, and look ten years younger.

I am having a hard time trusting and understanding this man who disappointed me so much, but on the other hand I see a lot of shame and regret for what he did on his side, and love for me and our daughter, and I love him deeply too.

Maybe it could help to know that I am currently the breadwinner at home (so I'm not staying for status or financial security) and I have a good career (was making 3 times the money he did since the beginning)

So, I love him, I don't need him, and think I could possibly find someone better out there, but I don't want, not yet. I married him and promised to be by his side even when he fails and things are not good, so I want to give him and our family another chance.

I would like to see if there's people who experienced something similar in life and got trough it, one way or another. Thanks for your help.
S
Mun is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
regretful and trying to move on jat0041 Separation and Divorce 1 14th March 2013 5:43 PM
Cheaters, Cheaters, Cake Eaters promises The Other Man / Woman 97 23rd February 2013 3:04 PM
Always regretful ...and Sorry. jasperlynx Separation and Divorce 22 22nd November 2010 9:32 AM
cheaters-new, former, retired, continued cheaters, do they regret? Livelovelearn Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 10 23rd May 2010 10:37 PM
Sooo regretful... !!!!!!!!! LuvSucks Breaks and Breaking Up 1 8th May 2010 12:23 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:37 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.