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Don't even know how to handle myself right now


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 28th September 2017, 5:41 PM   #1
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Don't even know how to handle myself right now

First off, a little bit about me and my girlfriend of close to six years. We met each other at work, and even though we were both married unhappily at the time, we began seeing each other. We hit it off amazingly well, became wonderful friends, and eventually both left our spouses to be together. I have one son, and she has two daughters which we've been raising together for years. We have what I feel like is a wonderful family.


Unfortunately, less than a week ago I discovered that my life has been turned upside down. One of her children's father managed to make his way back into her life even though had zero interest in his daughter prior. I immediately expressed my concerns about this and was assured that I had absolutely nothing to be worried about. I accepted this from her as I did not want her to feel that I could not trust her and that she could be open with me. As you could probably guess, we do have some trust issues stemming from how our relationship began so every so often I would take a peak at her emails, FB, etc mostly to give myself peace of mind.


This time, that peace of mind did not come as I read an email with a survey about her motel stay. She did her best to give me a story, and eventually broke down in tears telling me the truth. Initially I was enraged, which died down pretty quickly which turned into feelings of depression, doubt, shame, fear, emasculation, and pretty much every other negative emotion.


It has been about one week now, and I feel no sense that these emotions are fading what so ever. She claims it was one time and that she ended it with him even before I found out. I have no evidence to dispute those claims, so I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me or if genuinely should be worried there was more to the story (theres always more to a story I'm sure). Regardless if there was more or not though, I have accepted that it has happened and nothing can change that. I want to use this as a wake up call to both of us that we must work on our relationship together, that we will never go back to what we had prior, but can use it as a foundation to build a stronger relationship. We may end up being stronger, or we may end up going our separate ways. That I cant say for certain what may happen and I'm sure anyone who feels they know one way or another after a betrayal is lying to themselves.


We have been very open and have been discussing it frequently, about how I feel, what lead up to her decision to do what she did, how we can work on things moving forward, etc. What I can't stop doing though is playing the slideshow in my head as to what happened between the two of them, the lies she told me about that night, etc. I know its been a very short amount of time, but the images are on a constant loop in my head regardless of what I'm doing, where I'm at, etc. Prior to this we had a genuinely amazing sex life. We'd get wild, talk about bringing in extra partners, do whatever freaky stuff came into our mind, etc. Initially I felt that I wouldn't want to touch her after this for an extended period of time but to my surprise we've made love, had sex, F'd like animals every single day since. I've read everything online about the hysterical bonding and such so I fully understand that also, but what I'm about to admit to next causes me a great deal of shame...


The first night when we were making love, I couldnt get the image out of my mind. At first it made me nauseas, but I couldn't stop thinking about it and continued to make love to her. The next night the same thing, to the point I asked her about the gritty details that I had absolutely no desire to know but still had to know. Afterwards, we were both in tears and full of shame. Fast forward days later, each time we're in bed together the same images come into my mind and instead of doing my best to push them out I eroticize the disgust in my mind and go with it. I feel like this is some sort of psychological defense mechanism to deal with the trauma my mind is going through. I told her this and she had no clue how to take it. Is this normal? Has anyone else here gone through a betrayal and dealt with it this way and if so how did you cope with it?


Just an FYI to make this clear because I know that a big response will be that I'm a cuck. I can guarantee that is not the case. While we may have fantasized about certain situation, the idea of me sitting there watching is absolutely not what we're into.


Even if I get no answers to my questions or any advice, thank you for reading as just typing this out offered me some sense of relief. The only person I have to talk to is her, which makes this a truly difficult time.
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Old 28th September 2017, 5:49 PM   #2
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Rekatonships that begin with infidelity have a 1 to 2 percent success rate. According to data.
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Old 28th September 2017, 5:49 PM   #3
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What consequences has she had?

No consequences = more cheating. Plain and simple - she needs to be scared she is losing you! Did you demand she move out?

Really - from what you typed - it mainly looks like you're rewarding her bad behavior.

You're being manipulated! She figures if she offers loads of sex you will overlook the affair... which you played along nicely for her.

Stop being so nice. She screwed you over!

What consequences are you willing to map out? Can you have her move out today? If so, do that! It's a good place to start.

Make sure you keep all your money and assets separated from her.
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:01 PM   #4
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She is fully aware that I have not made a decision as to exactly what I'm going to do. She is also fully aware of what those consequences would be if I was to leave as I am the main provider in our household. I'm not going to make that decision immediately during such an emotional time. The girls, while not mine, have been in my life for last six years and I am also their predominant father figure in their life. They love me, and I love them. The thought of losing even more from this is a difficult one to accept.

And honestly, these are the responses that I fully expected to hear and are exactly what I would tell someone else. What I was predominantly seeking advice on is the images that play out in my mind. How to get aboid them, how long they persist for, etc
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:10 PM   #5
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Wow man, that's hard. I too am in a relationship that began as an affair, so I'm not judging you any more than I judge myself. (Which is a lot! OK I'm judging you a little bit, but not as much as I judge myself.)

I know for me, the only reason I trust my SO is that I believe our infidelity was a one-time situation that will not ever be repeated, because of how badly it hurt our spouses and how much we've learned from it about how to keep relationships healthy and boundaries healthy. Having him turn around and cheat on me would destroy all that faith and I don't think I'd be able to recover from it. I know that will sound stupid or naive or hypocritical to some, but it's my truth so whatev.

To answer your specific question, from the research I've done after the fact, it sounds like these "mind movies" can last for a long time, months or more than a year, but they become less vivid over time. EMDR therapy is supposed to be very effective if they persist.

I would look into the 180 and implement that to give yourself some time and space to process this shock.
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:12 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aqulesco View Post
Rekatonships that begin with infidelity have a 1 to 2 percent success rate. According to data.
according to some random guy on the internet, you mean.

It's still a terrible start to a relationship, but the "data" is extremely suspect and just one of those things that gets tossed around all the time like it's a fact.

OP: I am sorry for the pain you are going through right now. As far as I can tell all of your responses are perfectly normal, a lot of people have had similar thoughts. This is all still extremely new for you, too, and you don't really know yet where you're going to land in terms of deciding whether to stay together or not.

It would be advisable to use birth control during this time period, because you really don't need another baby making things more complicated right now.

Being aroused by stray thoughts, especially this early in the process when your head is spinning, does not make you a cuck or a submissive or a failure of a husband or anything. People are complicated and you are trying to process a lot of emotions and reactions right now. However, I don't personally think it's really a good idea to focus on the disgust in the long run, as that seems likely to eventually lead you down some very dark paths. If you focus on the disgust and link it with sexual pleasure, that might encourage you to mistreat and humiliate your gf and/or any other gfs you have in the future.

A lot of people here are going to jump on you and yell at you to punish her immediately. They're going to try and prey on your vulnerability and insist that much, much worse things happened, that they've always been happening, etc. People are going to try and pressure you into making snap decisions.

Well, I'm going to pressure you NOT to make snap decisions, one way or the other. You are in shock. Now is not the time to make any serious decisions about your life. Don't let your girlfriend pressure you into marrying her right now and don't throw her out and burn all her belongings either. Give yourself space and time! If you can manage it, get physically away from her for a while. And do find someone else to talk to other than her if you can!
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:18 PM   #7
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If he's married you should inform his wife if not his gf.

Just because you found out doesn't mean it's going to stop.

If the affair doesn't end you'll not be able to work on your marriage.

Many think it'll end at this time but sometimes it just goes deeper/undercover.
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:23 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zaleski216 View Post
She is fully aware that I have not made a decision as to exactly what I'm going to do. She is also fully aware of what those consequences would be if I was to leave as I am the main provider in our household. I'm not going to make that decision immediately during such an emotional time. The girls, while not mine, have been in my life for last six years and I am also their predominant father figure in their life. They love me, and I love them. The thought of losing even more from this is a difficult one to accept.

And honestly, these are the responses that I fully expected to hear and are exactly what I would tell someone else. What I was predominantly seeking advice on is the images that play out in my mind. How to get aboid them, how long they persist for, etc
Let me get this straight - YOU mainly pay her way and she goes and screws another man?

Pack her bag today and tell her to get the F OUT now!

HE can support her and her girls! She should of thought about all that BEFORE betraying you!!!

Your mind movies will stop when YOU take action to help yourself! When YOU get the toxic far, far away from you!

Hurry up! Stop giving her time - she thinks you are definitely an easy pushover.
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:36 PM   #9
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You don't have to lose connection to her daughters. If they love you, you can leave her, and live somewhere close. You'll be able to meet the girls, and even treat them with presents and pocket money.

If she prevents you from seeing them, because you are broken up with her, than she abuses her daughters. Why would you want to stay with an abusive woman.

Your moving out in order to think will help you by all means.
1. She will get the realistic sense how is it to live without you.
2. She will learn the hard way that there's a price for her cheating. In case you come back, this price is crucial for preventing another cheating.
3. It's a test... You will watch and see how does she act when it comes to her daughters. Is she a great mother and letting them to meet with you as much as they want (without her). Or is she being vengeful.
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:39 PM   #10
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Quote:
Fast forward days later, each time we're in bed together the same images come into my mind and instead of doing my best to push them out I eroticize the disgust in my mind and go with it. I feel like this is some sort of psychological defense mechanism to deal with the trauma my mind is going through. I told her this and she had no clue how to take it. Is this normal? Has anyone else here gone through a betrayal and dealt with it this way and if so how did you cope with it
?

It is not normal and you and your wife’s actions in sex were not normal when you met. You and your wife were cheaters in the past and now your wife cheated again. In addition, you both have thought about the idea of having a threesome.

You both need a complete change of attitude and to take strong actions to change your thinking and lifestyle…

What set of morals and standards do you adhere to?..
What are your priorities?
What actions do you both take to promote loyalty, honesty, sacrifice, and love?
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:45 PM   #11
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I don’t know what to say about the eroticizing the thoughts in your head about what happened. Except that maybe it would be best to take a break from having sex with her. I mean, if you reward things, then it’s going to reinforce that behavior. So...I apologize if I’m being obvious...but if you’re training a puppy, and they do something you want them to do, you give them a treat, so you reinforce that behavior so that they will repeat what you want them to do. Human beings behave the exactly the same way. Even yourself. And an orgasm is just about the strongest positive reward you can get. So... in my opinion... it would be best to avoid rewarding yourself for something like that... so take a break from the sex, until you get yourself sorted out better and are less upset about the whole thing. Give yourself some space to figure things out.
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Old 28th September 2017, 7:03 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zaleski216 View Post
We met each other at work, and even though we were both married unhappily at the time, we began seeing each other. We hit it off amazingly well, became wonderful friends, and eventually both left our spouses to be together. I have one son, and she has two daughters which we've been raising together for years. We have what I feel like is a wonderful family.

Unfortunately, less than a week ago I discovered that my life has been turned upside down. One of her children's father managed to make his way back into her life
So the two of you met at work and as you stated "eventually both left our spouses to be together". The two groups of people that make up the majority of affair partners (AP) are coworkers and exs. You were the coworker that she cheated with, and now she is cheating with an ex. Throw in the saying that "if they can cheat with you they can cheat on you", and she is a cliché. BTW, she is now officially a serial cheater, which means that no matter what she says, she will likely cheat again. It is just who she is. You are either OK with this or you are not, but if you stay with her, you should accept this fact as part of the deal.
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Old 28th September 2017, 7:21 PM   #13
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Mind movies/images are difficult to clear, sometimes they fade or become less frequent with time or they only occur with more specific triggers, but for others they continue for years or even decades sorry to say.
Some even report that leaving the offending spouse, still does not remove the mind movies/images.

This may help
Coping With Mind Movies,

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Old 28th September 2017, 8:36 PM   #14
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A relationship is a test run and she lied and failed.

She has also put your health at risk for STD's. You both need to be tested.
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Old 29th September 2017, 4:48 AM   #15
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Not sure if it matters to you, but the old "it only happened once" is usually a lie. Cheaters only cop to the bare minimum, aligning their story with what they know you've already discovered. It's more likely that she's had an ongoing sexual relationship for many years. She probably has plans to continue once everything blows over.

What plans did the two of you make about bringing others into your bedroom? She might have interpreted this as tacit permission to cheat.
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