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painful affair end


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 25th September 2017, 9:01 AM   #16
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She is just damaged and weak and gets used, I think...
Yep. And she will soon realize, if she hasn't already, that you are just another guy who has damaged and used her.

You are what we call a cake eater. You want your OW but not enough to actually take any steps to be with her. When it comes time to make a choice you start to look for fault in her so that you can stay in the safety of your marriage and family home. Not saying you should leave your wife for her but you should stop focussing on her so much and start looking in the mirror. What you have with this OW is very toxic and dysfunctional. It's sick but you are no better than her.
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:03 AM   #17
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Leave your wife because you know you care nothing for her and then spend all of your time chasing the OW. Perhaps when you actually leave your wife the OW will be there for you. BTW, you do not need your wife's approval to get a divorce. Just file already.
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:17 AM   #18
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I suspect a real relationship with this OW wouldn't be nearly as amazing as the OP thinks. Right now, the OW was an escape from the OP's facade of a marriage. It wasn't reality. The dynamics of these relationships change a lot once they're out in the open and you work in the uninteresting day-to-day stuff rather than it just being about secret meet-ups and stealing time together.
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:32 AM   #19
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Will any of the ladies here give me some advice about how she can move on so quickly with other guys. Because I can't understand it.
I don't want to let her go, she is a massive part of my life... I don't even know if she misses me the way I miss her...
I'll tell you what my brother told me when my XH moved on to other women at the speed of light after his affair partner ended it when I found out. He immediately found someone else. I asked my brother how could he possibly move on so fast while I was in incredible pain still. He told me that it would be better if I could accept that he had moved on long before the divorce. He was already cheating, looking and whatever else he was doing. He was all but gone, anyway.

You affair partner moved on, not with one person, but with several. I'm not calling her names - just saying, she was already gone and you were thinking she was still there thinking you were the only one. Not true. You were one of several and not all that convenient.

You really are doing your wife no favors by staying with her. She wants to stay married and that is understandable, but maybe if she knew the full extent of your love for the OW, she wouldn't. Your children will adjust and you can work out joint custody. In any case, you don't need her permission to divorce.

I swear - I just don't get it. Why do people who are not happy in their marriage and not in love with their partner, stay married and cheat? Why not be an honest and honorable person and have the courage to live an authentic life? Affairs are so destructive to a person's psyche and happy parents are better for children than living in an unhappy home. Not a fan of Dr. Phil, but I do agree with his idea that children are better off from a broken home than in one.
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:41 AM   #20
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Good morning,

1. There were duplicate threads mis-posted in the wrong forums. I merged them and placed them in the most appropriate forum

2. There may be some duplicate content. I left a report open for moderation to review the thread.

3. In the interim, here's the gist of the topic:

We decide to go NC.

Today is only my 2nd day of NC and I miss her so much. I miss talking to her. I miss meeting her. I feel so depressed that she is moving on again so quickly. I really love her so much and want to keep her in my life...

Will any of the ladies here give me some advice about how she can move on so quickly with other guys. Because I can't understand it.
I don't want to let her go, she is a massive part of my life... I don't even know if she misses me the way I miss her...

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Please focus on the topic and in accordance with our guidelines of discussion, remembering LoveShack.org is an international forum. Thanks!
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:49 AM   #21
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She texted me tonight to say she needs me and wants me again! Now I'm confused
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:59 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Thingsfallapart View Post
She texted me tonight to say she needs me and wants me again! Now I'm confused
Why are you confused? It's what you wanted! Please, leave your wife and go be with this woman.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:02 AM   #23
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My wife said she doesn't care if I have a mistress but if I choose to divorce she will make the kids hate me. So I'm stuck. I don't want my kids to see that.
And she said she needs me and wants me but she was the one who wanted to go NC and she was the one that wanted space
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:09 AM   #24
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She texted me tonight to say she needs me and wants me again! Now I'm confused
She's probably still very much attached to you and misses you. Even though she was the one who broke it off, I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision for her to make. You have been a part of her life for two years, if I read correctly. It's just that you pointed out to her clearly that you would never leave your family. For this reason, of course she tries to find other partners by dating around. It's probably not what she wants to do, but what she has to do, in order to find some distraction, and, if she gets lucky, a guy that meets her needs and who can be with her officially and publicly. I don't think she's a "broken woman" any more then you you're a "broken" man, and I'm not saying that you are, but I don't understand why you would even question her behavior, while you yourself are not into monogamy, having had many flings in the past while married.....So how are you any different from her? I would also like to add, that she has way more "rights" to date other guys, because she's not married, and she should consider herself single, because you're not committing to her. So I don't see anything wrong with her behavior at all.

And regarding your initial question about how she can move on so fast? I don't think she can. She's just trying to survive and distract herself.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:15 AM   #25
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My wife said she doesn't care if I have a mistress but if I choose to divorce she will make the kids hate me. So I'm stuck. I don't want my kids to see that.
And she said she needs me and wants me but she was the one who wanted to go NC and she was the one that wanted space
Then your problem has been solved. Your mistress wants you back and your wife is ok with it.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:17 AM   #26
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My wife said she doesn't care if I have a mistress but if I choose to divorce she will make the kids hate me. So I'm stuck. I don't want my kids to see that.
And she said she needs me and wants me but she was the one who wanted to go NC and she was the one that wanted space
Many wives say that if they don't want to let their partners go. It doesn't mean she CAN turn your kids against you. You're their dad, you have a relationship with them. How old are your kids? I'm sure they've met other kids/friends whose parents are divorced. So point that out to them (and your W), and tell them that they wouldn't be an exception. D is more common than ever. People survive. You just have to ask yourself what YOU want. Not use your wife's fear tactic as an excuse to remain stuck. Men tend to do that. Use all kinds of external reasons in order to NOT act proactively. I have no idea why that is the case, but I see it all the time. I've never been able to understand this. Women are way more determined and proactive if they feel a change is needed. And I hate gender-based stereotypes more than anybody else. However, THIS is such an obvs difference between males and females in our age, culture and society.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:18 AM   #27
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Then your problem has been solved. Your mistress wants you back and your wife is ok with it.
I don't think the mistress is OK with that, or else she wouldn't have initiated nc. She's just too attached to OP to let go completely.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:27 AM   #28
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Many wives say that if they don't want to let their partners go. It doesn't mean she CAN turn your kids against you. You're their dad, you have a relationship with them. How old are your kids? I'm sure they've met other kids/friends whose parents are divorced. So point that out to them (and your W), and tell them that they wouldn't be an exception. D is more common than ever. People survive. You just have to ask yourself what YOU want. Not use your wife's fear tactic as an excuse to remain stuck. Men tend to do that. Use all kinds of external reasons in order to NOT act proactively. I have no idea why that is the case, but I see it all the time. I've never been able to understand this. Women are way more determined and proactive if they feel a change is needed. And I hate gender-based stereotypes more than anybody else. However, THIS is such an obvs difference between males and females in our age, culture and society.
Men like the OP do not want change they are often happy with the status quo, a wife and kids, AND a mistress...
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:29 AM   #29
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She texted me tonight to say she needs me and wants me again! Now I'm confused
Go to her!
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:43 AM   #30
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Men like the OP do not want change they are often happy with the status quo, a wife and kids, AND a mistress...
I'm sure there are many mm who are content with their status quo, aka M plus mistress on the side, and that's ok, too, but there are also many who are not, like OP who said he has been contemplating D in order to start a life with someone else etc. That means, he's "unhappy" enough to consider a big life change, and he also stated he doesn't love his BW, just staying for the kids, etc. Those are the MM I'm actually referring to. I don't think they're a minority at all; it just looks like it, because most don't do anything about their situation proactively. They stay stuck, or wait until BW has had enough and does the hard work for them. Or they find all kinds of other external excuses, e.g. APs flaws (which aren't usually so different from their own flaws; and those flaws shouldn't make a difference anyways, if they are dreaming about a different future already). It's just an observation that I've made. And quite frankly, if they're happy with a triangle relationship, so be it. I just think many if not most are truly emotionally attached to their APs, and miss them when they're not (or no longer) around, and dream about a life together, but they just don't get proactive about it.
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