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how long does it hurt like this?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:44 AM   #1
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how long does it hurt like this?

Apologies for the long post, may as well start at the beginning and point out my failings first.
Have been together with my wife for around 18 years now, married for 13 of them and like most couples have had our fights and hard times but i have always loved her, never pursued anyone else.
The biggest problem for me, like many men i suppose, was the lack of sex. She has body issues which i think holds her back and as she has said many times, she just doesn't want to do it as much as me. For me this has always been a problem. I love her, i love her body and thinks its natural for 2 people in love to want to express it physically. When she turns me down or simply doesn't initiate it I feel rejected and become sullen and thinking back on it, this is some unconscious form of punishment for not wanting me that way.
I started to notice a change in her behaviour last year. She'd had some family issues which hit her hard, we were struggling with our 3rd young child which had made things harder than either of us could have realised. Sleep, time alone together (with 2 older children also in the house), we kinda got into the routine of being 2 parents sharing a house, not partners, let alone lovers.
She retreated into online interests, which i felt pushed me further away. Hard to cuddle someone with a laptop or mobile phone in their hand. Sex, when we did it, seemed to be a chore, something to satisfy me rather than something we could both enjoy.
This went on for months, i tried speaking to her about it several times. How worried i was that we were drifting apart and that i loved her so much and how we needed to make time for us, as a couple not as individuals. The first time we spoke, i broke down in front of her. I didn't want to lose the love of my life. 3 months later, despite promises of doing more things together but nothing changing, we talked again but it came out as an argument.
After our first talk, things got worse if anything. Her laptop, previously always available now had a password lock. Her mobile phone too now had a pass code that would change often, seemingly if she thought i might have seen her unlock it. The phone went everywhere with her, even to the toilet. I knew something was up but didn't want to believe it.
She had taken up walking with a female friend on a weekend, which although it cut into some of the time we had together on a Sunday (i work full time, she's a full time mother) I was happy for her to do the walking. I thought maybe it would give her a break from the kids and allow her to be herself, it might make things better between us if she was happier?
One day she asked if it would be ok if she could take herself off walking one day and stay overnight somewhere, have a weekend to herself. I agreed, as I say i didn't want to believe she was up to something.
The weekend came and went, then 2 weeks later my world fell apart.
She'd taken our daughter to her first concert. We had argued in the car earlier as she had been up until 3 in the morning the previous night watching a live stream on Youtube from one of her gaming friends.
While she was out at the concert i did some snooping on the PC she occasionally uses. Nothing unusual at first but then i noticed she had been left signed into her email account. There was a thing called hangouts and saw messages between her and this youtube guy. Turns out she'd been messaging him for months, sex photos, stories about what they want to do to each other, all the stuff you would imagine. Then the bombshell, the weekend she wanted to be alone had been with him. I was devastated.
It all came out over the next few days, i confronted her when she came home from the concert. She was full of denials, no she hadn't slept with him that night, they'd had separate hotels. it wasn't going on all the time. she loved me, knew she'd made a mistake and wanted things to work between us.
I've stayed, I have to. I love her. I don't want our kids having a broken home. I trust she's not erred since but will always worry.
My problem is I keep replaying it in my head, filling in the bits i don't know. It brings me down and i become morose again. We're back in the situation where I want to move on but all it takes is a memory, a song, getting into the car she picked him up in and i'm right back there thinking what she was up to with him while telling me she has no interest in sex.
I know she loves me, I love her so much. I want to forgive but can't forget.
Does it ever get easier?
Any thoughts on how we get through this together.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 5:34 AM   #2
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It's not going to get easier because you have already told her that you will not leave her and whatever she has done is all forgiven. And the truth is it is unlikely you have a clue of the real truth.
You are playing what is called the "pick me " game and she now knows there are absolutely no consequences for either what she has done or will do.

WHY???
(1) because you already have told her you forgive her
(2) she knows you are going no where.

Now, you can get the truth in 60 minutes if you want to but if the usual happens that occurs when a post begins like yours, it is going to take a few more D Days for you to understand what is happening.

Tell your wife if she is so sorry then she will take a polygraph to prove to you that she is telling you the truth. My bet is that will go over like a lead balloon because she is lying through her teeth to you about everything EXCEPT that she wants you to continue to kiss her ass while she takes her affair further underground. And my guess is also that you are going to refuse to believe that is possible.

When you want to get out of infidelity you can get some good advice. As long as you ONLY goal is to stay with her regardless of what she does, you are doomed to keep eating the crap sandwich she has handed you.,
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Old 23rd September 2017, 6:14 AM   #3
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It's very likely that she hsd sex with him that night. She is probably still in contact with him and up to her old habits.

Frankly, I don't see why you'd want to win back a wife who has no interest in you, but willingly shares herself with other men. She doesn't understand it either. What kind of man puts up with that, she silently wonders? It's made her lose any last bir of respect she had for you. Respect is an essential component of a marriage.

Where is your anger? Your indignation?

Whether you want to save the marriage or not, your best bet is to meet with an attorney on Monday and file for divorce. Let your wife see the consequences of her actions and face the prospect of losing her lifestyle and sense of security. The divorce process can be stopped at any point if she shows adequate remorse and provides a true confession.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 6:16 AM   #4
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It will hurt as long as you allow her to continue lying and steamrolling you. Stand up for yourself and your marriage.
Try and Just a Guy like this.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:52 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by earthman101 View Post
Turns out she'd been messaging him for months, sex photos, stories about what they want to do to each other, all the stuff you would imagine
.
they'd had separate hotels
Read the above. She arranges for you to babysit so she can spend overnight with her sexing buddy and part of their plan was to book separate hotels? They were lying to each other when they sent “sex photos, stories about what they want to do to each other, all the stuff you would imagine”?

If you had plans to meet an old college buddy for overnight in another city would you stay in separate hotels? You would at least get different rooms in the same hotel. If you had emailed each other multiple times about the great football game you were going to see, would you not go to the game?

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Originally Posted by earthman101 View Post
She has body issues which i think holds her back.
What? Body issues and “Sex photos?” What did she take photos of?

Quote:
Originally Posted by earthman101 View Post
I know she loves me
Read your own post. How would she treat you any differently if she didn’t love you? Would she leave you if she didn’t love you? You have three small children and she doesn’t work. You babysit and pay her bills. She needs you for that and it costs her nothing. She doesn’t even have to have sex with you.

You supply her with security and her boyfriend supplies her with fun. It’s a great life. Why in the world she change anything? The only leverage you have is to at least mention the possibility of divorce.

Friskyone4u nailed it:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Friskyone4u View Post
It's not going to get easier because you have already told her that you will not leave her and whatever she has done is all forgiven. You are playing what is called the "pick me " game and she now knows there are absolutely no consequences for either what she has done or will do.

WHY???
(1) because you already have told her you forgive her
(2) she knows you are going no where.

Last edited by Buckeye2; 23rd September 2017 at 10:04 AM..
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Old 23rd September 2017, 10:47 AM   #6
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I am sorry Earthman but you are in huge denial. If the roles were reversed would your wife be so accepting as you have been? If you believe that they stayed in the same hotel and did not have sex then I have a bridge to sell you.

It is important that the both of you get tested for STD's.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 10:51 AM   #7
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You've told her and shown her there's nothing she can do to you that you won't take.

So buckle up she's gonna take full advantage.

You've put yourself where you are at this point.

Don't think for a second that just because you found out that it'll stop. It's a full on sexual affair and will probably continue.

You're doing nothing but making excuses and living in denial of where you are and what you have here.

She a very, very typical lying, cheating wife. Nothing special at all. Dime a dozen.

You didn't cause her to have an affair she chose to. How you've mishandled it is on you. You get to live with that.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 11:16 AM   #8
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Earthman

Start focusing on you getting built up. Forget about trying to fix her.; that is impossible for you. She has torn you down considerably and you are in a weakened state and willing to compromise in a destructive way.

It is up to your wife to make substantial changes and improvements in your marriage that address her betrayal and you cannot fix her. You can only fix yourself. Focus completely on you getting stronger in all areas. You cannot depend on your wife to have your best interest at heart at this time as she has damaged herself.

You must prepare yourself to be much more self-reliant in many areas (body, mind, spirit, emotionally, financially) as your wife is a detriment to your life at this time. Get all the help that you can because your wife is not going to be enough to help you get a lot better at this time.

You will be tempted to run to your wife to sooth your emotions. She may help you temporarily but she has proven that she does not have your best interest at heart and will betray you and replace you with some internet man. You will never trust her 100% so concentrate on you getting strong enough to live with her or without her.

I know it will be hard for you to do what I have suggested but it will 10 time harder if she will not make real changes that will help you heal or if she betrays you again.
Try and Just a Guy like this.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:03 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by earthman101 View Post
I know she loves me, I love her so much.
You are wrong when you say that you "know she loves" you. She may have loved you in the past, and may be able to love you in the future, but you have no way of knowing that she loves you right now. Since actions speak louder than words, it is doubtful that she is in love with you right now. Also, since she cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect, your choice to do the weak pick me dance instead of demanding that she earn the right to be forgiven (a demand backed up by a real willingness to end the marriage), has made her lose what little respect that she still had for you.

Truth: You must be willing to really end your marriage to have a chance to save it long term.

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Any thoughts on how we get through this together.
You are asking the wrong questions when you ask "Any thoughts on how we get through this together". What you should be asking is "Any thoughts on how I get through this". If it is alone or with her depends on if she is willing to do the work to save the marriage. Rug sweep rarely works and does not give you your best odds.

If she wants to save the marriage, these are a few basic (non-negotiable) things she must agree to:

1. Her agreeing to immediate and full 100% no contact ("NC") with the other man ("OM") for the rest of her life. No last good byes. No to any bull**** requests for "closure". The affair was wrong, and your agreeing to closure would legitimize it.
2. Her agreeing to full 100% transparency with you for the rest of her life. You should also agree to this except when investigating enforcement of NC or other potential affairs. This includes giving you all passwords without complaint. Other than when going to the bathroom, there are different rules concerning privacy in a healthy marriage.

If she does not fully agree to the above, then she is not willing to do the most basic work to save the marriage, and you must be willing to file for divorce (and mean it). No matter how much you do not want to divorce, you have to be willing to. There is no guarantee that this will save your marriage, but the odds are much better than your current path. Also, given the choice to end your life quickly, or slow and painfully, most would pick quickly; it is the same for ending a marriage. Besides, doing it the right way with dignity, will make it easier to look yourself in the mirror.

Last edited by Try; 23rd September 2017 at 3:06 PM..
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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:07 PM   #10
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You have to take control

First, let me say that I am very sorry for your troubles and hope that you get to a good place soon!

I agree with the other posters, that you have to take control of the situation. Right now, your WW is in control. So how do you do that.

First thing I think you should do is see a lawyer. You have three minor children and you are the primary (sole) breadwinner, so you need to know what your legal rights and options are. You may have already lost your wife - you had no control over that, it was entirely (100%) her choice, but you have complete control over protecting your financial health and your relationship with your children. So first thing - check what your legal situation is. The consultation is well worth the cost. And, I will add, a much better investment than PIs and various electronic surveillance equipment.

Next you need to find someone to confide in - perhaps your parents if they are still alive. In any event, you need to decide what you can live with and what you cannot. Once, you start asking questions again, you need to be sure about how you will handle the answers. For example, I think we all "know" that your wife met the OM and had a night of unprotected sex with him - BUT, your wife has denied that, so you don't really know for sure. This means that your current willingness to live with this indiscretion is colored by this shadow of a doubt - you need to be certain of your stance if she confirms (including going into detail - number of times, specific sex acts) that she did in fact **** this guy on her overnight trip.

Once you determine what you can live with and what you can't and you have a determined what your legal rights and options are - you can proceed to fix your marriage, but remember to clear all actions with your lawyer beforehand.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 10:38 PM   #11
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Some people canít handle the truth they run., and they get offended by you for telling truth. And then they resent you over their wayward wife... itís Great
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Old 25th September 2017, 11:37 AM   #12
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It stopped hurting after I got rid of her.
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:10 PM   #13
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Cheaters lie, a weekend to herself which was very well planned with her affair partner who conspired with her against you(she knew you would approve her time away). When someone does that much planning wouldn't it make sense that they take advantage of their time alone? You already bought her lie and gave her your blessing, you probably helped her pack. Since when do two adults having an emotional affair alone in a hotel room not do the deed? Why would she not do all the things they promised to do to each other when she was sending him pictures of her privates for months? I know you want to believe her but you need to come back down to earth and look at her the way we look at her, she's a woman who betrayed her husband with another man. Friend, the onus is on her to prove that she didn't have sex with him.

The fact that she lied to you so she could be with him should be enough cause to fire her as your wife. She did everything else including ditching her family to be there with him, the other man has her heart. I suggest you have a serious sit down with her, tell her you are having trouble believing anything coming out of her mouth because of her previous lies and ask her what she suggests you do to get you to believe her? What will she do that proves sex didn't happen? Because it was so premeditated I personally would settle for nothing less then a polygraph. Tell her you will wait for her answer but you won't wait long. Decide if sharing her with other men is less painful then divorcing her, go from there. You are the only one committed to your marriage, let her prove otherwise.
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Old 26th September 2017, 6:29 AM   #14
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My brother, she is lying to you about everything...

My brother, she is lying to you about everything...

She def slept with him. She lied to your face. You are in complete denial about every thing.

Next, it is not that she does not like sex, she does not like sex with you.

She is most likely still having an affair.

You need to start reading about infidelity so you can learn what to do.

And, you are a grown man, you can divorce her anytime you want to. You are not trapped...
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Old 26th September 2017, 9:30 AM   #15
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I suggest you have a serious sit down with her, tell her you are having trouble believing anything coming out of her mouth because of her previous lies and ask her what she suggests you do to get you to believe her? What will she do that proves sex didn't happen? Because it was so premeditated I personally would settle for nothing less then a polygraph. Tell her you will wait for her answer but you won't wait long. Decide if sharing her with other men is less painful then divorcing her, go from there. You are the only one committed to your marriage, let her prove otherwise.
That's a pretty good basis for a decision. Only thing is, you have to realize that there really and truly is nothing else in between these choices.
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