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Feel like a [bad] person [when missing their AP]


alsudduth

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Do any other wayward spouses have moments where they miss their AP? I feel like an absolute S@#t person for even thinking about him, but I miss him right now. I'll never reach out to him. It's definitely over and I choose my husband.

 

But I guess I wonder if it's normal to go through bouts of missing the AP? It will pass soon I'm sure, but today I'm sad.

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And also, how can I use these times as a learning tool to grow myself as a more mature person, how can I turn the thoughts of him around to make a healthier relationship with my H?

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No shock that you miss him. Why? He was an escape. You have so much going on in your life both personal and professional (I've been reading your recent threads) that you maybe looking for an escape, AP offers that, right?

 

When we are thirsty we want to drink, vodka is wet, but does it offer a real solution? Or does it long term create more damage?

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No shock that you miss him. Why? He was an escape. You have so much going on in your life both personal and professional (I've been reading your recent threads) that you maybe looking for an escape, AP offers that, right?

 

When we are thirsty we want to drink, vodka is wet, but does it offer a real solution? Or does it long term create more damage?

 

Thanks, DKT3. That makes a lot of sense.

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And also, how can I use these times as a learning tool to grow myself as a more mature person, how can I turn the thoughts of him around to make a healthier relationship with my H?

 

I know this might sound counterintuative, but talking to your spouse when you are struggling can really help.

 

I'm not saying that you need to rub the affair in his face, just that you are down and having a bad day.

 

Part of reconciliation is learning to trust each other with your emotions. It can be a rocky road sometimes, but try not to get bogged down in worrying about it.

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No shock that you miss him. Why? He was an escape. You have so much going on in your life both personal and professional (I've been reading your recent threads) that you maybe looking for an escape, AP offers that, right?

 

When we are thirsty we want to drink, vodka is wet, but does it offer a real solution? Or does it long term create more damage?

 

I agree with this. During the first few months after my d-day I missed xAP and was like why would I miss him? After everything that has happened? And finally I realized missing him/thinking about him was an escape from the chaos and pain my life had become.

 

Once I had this realization, my thoughts of xAP faded quickly. If I did happen to think of xAP, I thought, how is this helping me and my relationship? And would refocus myself on thoughts that were helping me and my relationship. I know it sounds simplistic but it worked for me.

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one more thing op...

 

as far as I can tell, it's normal for a ws to have rough days, so please try not to beat yourself up over it. Let your husband know you are having a bad day, and give him a chance to comfort you.

 

Small steps like this get you where you want to go.

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Starswillshine
I know this might sound counterintuative, but talking to your spouse when you are struggling can really help.

 

I'm not saying that you need to rub the affair in his face, just that you are down and having a bad day.

 

Part of reconciliation is learning to trust each other with your emotions. It can be a rocky road sometimes, but try not to get bogged down in worrying about it.

 

It could also potentially help build trust. Had my WH ever came to me and just was honest and told me he was having a bad day... And even that he missed OW (don't know that he ever did, I asked and he always denied), I think it would have hurt, but it would have meant something that he was being honest with me about his feelings and emotions. But I think us, women, are likely more open to that honesty than men, so maybe don't listen to my advice.

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I went back and checked out your old threads that you started. I could not go thru them all, but in general it seemed that you and H were seriously on the verge of divorce. He was sexually dissatisfied with you. You suffered low self esteem due to his dissatisfaction coupled with your own issues regarding your body and its "reactions". (I am avoiding TMI) Additionally, you have been together since you guys were teens. Phew.

 

How are you two on the counseling front? I mean marital, IC and perhaps sex therapy (not use of a surrogate but from a licensed sex therapist)? Perhaps you answered it earlier, but I did not come across it.

 

I think that OM is a fantasy of sorts. I also think that your desire to "escape" may be founded upon the fact that there are some things that need to be escaped from. (bad grammar, I know). Still, there is so much that you need as an individual who is not defined by the roles that you occupy inside of your household.

 

The "YOU" is in need of some care. I could be waaay off base, but I think that you are surviving in your situation, but perhaps not thriving. If I am wrong, pardon me. Still, infidelity was not your problem, it was a symptom of something more and it became THE problem, but the original problem still remains and is rearing its head again. My .02.

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If it makes it easier, your feelings to AP, are part of a wider picture. In that wide picture, you need a reminder for your sacrifice you need to make, as a price for your wrong choices in the past. It is also makes you remember to choose your husband again, every now and then.

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Try thinking about the real OM.

 

He had an affair with you.

 

He is an enemy to your family.

 

He has hurt your family. You look at him with rose colored glasses.

 

He did not have to help pay the bills, clean the house, any real life stuff.

 

He used you for sex, and he would be glad to hurt your family again.

 

Maybe if you look at the reality of the OM, you will someday see that what you are thinking is not real, just a fantasy world.

 

How would you feel if your H was still pining over his AP and did not tell you?

 

You would not mind if your H had the A? that would be okay?

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Still, infidelity was not your problem, it was a symptom of something more and it became THE problem, but the original problem still remains and is rearing its head again. My .02.

 

I would have to agree with this statement. OM was an escape from something else. I'm so far out from my own A (revenge affair) that I don't think of xOM at all anymore, even when my WH had his last A with xMOW. Once I had reached the point of indifference xOM became a non-entity. Anytime my M has hit a low (and it did when we separated) I had a short fling and it was an escape from what I was dealing with. As a fWS myself it is something I will always have to be conscious of if my M takes a turn for the worse again.

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It is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship.

 

Affairs cause addictive brain chemistry. This

is why people feel good during an affair. Also

this addiction is why affairs are hard to end,

and why there is usually a relapse during

recovery.

 

This is also why to ensure there is NC and to

prevent the addictive cravings for the affair

that the WS and their family move far away

to prevent the affair restarting.

 

Just the was a smoker has to have a cigarette,

drunk another drink, heroin another hit.

Addicts grave a hit to feel that high again.

 

Their cravings for the high makes them forget

the down side to their addiction.

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Do any other wayward spouses have moments where they miss their AP? I feel like an absolute S@#t person for even thinking about him, but I miss him right now. I'll never reach out to him. It's definitely over and I choose my husband.

 

But I guess I wonder if it's normal to go through bouts of missing the AP? It will pass soon I'm sure, but today I'm sad.

 

It's normal to miss anyone you had feelings for. There are a couple of female friends I was close with that I'm no longer in contact with, I miss them when they cross my mind.

 

Sorry you are still fighting this, stay strong.

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I find these "miss my AP" threads disgusting. Divorce your poor husband and go be with the one you want.

 

It's only a matter of time before you cheat again. Women with this kind of gigantic sense of entitlement always do.

Edited by drifter777
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denwickdroylsden

I bitterly regret the relationship with AP. I keep on working hard to address the flaws in my make-up that led me there. That said, I still miss AP every so often. There has been absolute NC for 4 years. Still the thought pops up. Rolls in rolls out, no harm no foul.

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Maybe you don't miss HIM. You miss traits he had. You miss the way you felt. But it's not him.

 

Try laying down and really focusing when you feel this way. Feel in your body, in the pit of your stomach, what it is you're feeling....is it fear? Insecurity? Abandonment?

 

That's the core of it. Not OM. He just delivered something you needed

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alsudduth,

 

Look we are all human. What is expected here is, well maybe unachievable to the degree a BS would like. The struggle to match what is expected is what helps. That is not having any feeling towards a former AP expect hate. I think deep down, sometime all WS, "miss" their AP, or the excitement of the affair, or the experience itself. Also, think of past spouse, and boy/girl friends. Would this apply as well? This is just human nature. What you should realize is that this is natural, and that your husband is the love of your life, and move your thoughts to him. What ever soft spot, or affection for your AP, or of the experience, will stay, but place it in the proper context.

 

I do not expect, and hope she does not of me as well, to have my wife be unemotional to all human being but myself. I expect her to be my fateful and loving wife as she expects the same of me as her husband. As I remember you both "slipped" and yours was a EA. (correct me if wrong) So keep this buried deep, give yourself a break on what you feel, and go out on a date with your husband.

 

I wish you luck......

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Thanks. I think you all are right. I'm stressed with work and children and the new house, etc. and I was feeling the need for an escape. Maybe I'll just splurge and get a massage! :)

 

Also compounded with the fact that this is about the time when things really went south with my H just has me on edge.

 

Don't worry, I feel better already. I still choose reconciliation with my H. the OM is out of the picture and has been since my H found out. There is no going back for me. It's not who I want to be as a person.

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I find these "miss my AP" threads disgusting. Divorce your poor husband and go be with the one you want.

 

It's only a matter of time before you cheat again. Women with this kind of gigantic sense of entitlement always do.

 

Really? I'm not sure what part of my post made you come to this conclusion about me...but you are dead wrong.

Edited by alsudduth
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Thanks. I think you all are right. I'm stressed with work and children and the new house, etc. and I was feeling the need for an escape. Maybe I'll just splurge and get a massage! :)

 

Also compounded with the fact that this is about the time when things really went south with my H just has me on edge.

 

Don't worry, I feel better already. I still choose reconciliation with my H. the OM is out of the picture and has been since my H found out. There is no going back for me. It's not who I want to be as a person.

 

This is a great idea. It's good to find ways of relaxing when you are under stress. If you don;t mind a suggetsion, how about surprising your husband with a couple's massage? that way, you both get to relax and spend some time together.

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Thanks. I think you all are right. I'm stressed with work and children and the new house, etc. and I was feeling the need for an escape. Maybe I'll just splurge and get a massage! :)

 

Also compounded with the fact that this is about the time when things really went south with my H just has me on edge.

 

Don't worry, I feel better already. I still choose reconciliation with my H. the OM is out of the picture and has been since my H found out. There is no going back for me. It's not who I want to be as a person.

 

I think your looking at this all wrong. If your stressed you should be talking to your husband. You should be doing even more work to focus on building a great connection back with him. This way he can see the signs better to help you and your opening yourself up him to see those signs more easily.

 

You call your thinking about the AP as an escape really shows that you hold him in a positive light. This does not speak well for your marriage. This is the man knew you were married. He willing attacked your husband and your children and put there lives and livelihood at risk. If your looking at him as an escape you might want to seriously consider getting a divorce.

 

 

Your husband needs a partner that will look to him as the person they want to run to when things are hard. Not some other man that willing destroyed the people you love. Your children need a motherly figure in there lives to show them that when things get hard you draw your family in and work together.

 

I think if you really want to fix things you need to show your husband this thread. Tell him the truth about the other man and that your still looking at him in a fond light. He deserves to know the truth. If you chose to hide this from him then you are still the same person you were when you cheated. It is selfish to make choices for other people when the outcome only benefits you.

 

If you want to change you have to dig deep and open yourself up completely and let go of the outcome. When you cheated you gave up the right to say what it should be. That belongs to your husband hence its part of the gift.

 

C

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I find these "miss my AP" threads disgusting. Divorce your poor husband and go be with the one you want.

 

It's only a matter of time before you cheat again. Women with this kind of gigantic sense of entitlement always do.

 

Wow. Just because she has thoughts and misses her AP that automatically means she's going to cheat again and that she has a giant sense of entitlement?

 

Drifter, maybe you're just having a bad day and maybe her post just triggered you big time, but your assumptions based on her thoughts are WAY OFF. And your anger and bitterness are coming through your post loud and clear. That makes me sad for you.

 

I dealt with this for a long time: how could I be in R with my H if I still missed and thought of AP? And DK nailed it when he said the affair was an escape, so when you're missing AP, it's not that you're missing that person as much as you're missing the escape.

 

OP, I still miss mine too. Does that mean I'm going to go have an affair again and want to be with him? Not at all. It's hard when he creeps in my thoughts, but he does and I know now to just ride it out and it passes. And it passes so much faster than it used to. When I would try to fight it and tell myself it was wrong (and basically tell myself the things Drifter said in his post), it just made the feelings worse.

 

It's okay for us to feel. Not okay for us to act. I tell myself that every time I have those thoughts. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have thoughts that "we just aren't supposed to have." We are addicts. We have to remember that every day we have to choose not to go back to our former behaviors. We can never let our guard down.

 

I'm sorry you're going through it and I know it will pass soon. Just ride it out. It happens to me too. edit: it sounds like in your second post that it has already passed. I think this is good for others like us to see because when I was in the early days after confession, it was a real battle for me.

Edited by deadsoul
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I think your looking at this all wrong. If your stressed you should be talking to your husband. You should be doing even more work to focus on building a great connection back with him. This way he can see the signs better to help you and your opening yourself up him to see those signs more easily.

 

You call your thinking about the AP as an escape really shows that you hold him in a positive light. This does not speak well for your marriage. This is the man knew you were married. He willing attacked your husband and your children and put there lives and livelihood at risk. If your looking at him as an escape you might want to seriously consider getting a divorce.

 

 

Your husband needs a partner that will look to him as the person they want to run to when things are hard. Not some other man that willing destroyed the people you love. Your children need a motherly figure in there lives to show them that when things get hard you draw your family in and work together.

 

I think if you really want to fix things you need to show your husband this thread. Tell him the truth about the other man and that your still looking at him in a fond light. He deserves to know the truth. If you chose to hide this from him then you are still the same person you were when you cheated. It is selfish to make choices for other people when the outcome only benefits you.

 

If you want to change you have to dig deep and open yourself up completely and let go of the outcome. When you cheated you gave up the right to say what it should be. That belongs to your husband hence its part of the gift.

 

C

 

I agree with you on the part that she should be talking to her husband about her stress. But telling him about missing AP? She got to the bottom of it, that it really wasn't about missing AP, but more the stress getting to her over things in her life. If anything, it's a wake up reminder for her to remember her focus and communicate with her H. But telling him, "Hey, I miss AP." How is that helpful? She is NOT the same person she was when she cheated. The difference here is that she's had thoughts. She has not acted on them, nor will she. So she is not being selfish having feelings. Tell me, do you tell your wife every time you see a hot girl on the street or in a magazine and you have an inappropriate thought? If you tell me you don't have inappropriate thoughts, I'd say I didn't believe you, but do you tell your wife that? No. It would only hurt her. If you ACTED on your inappropriate thoughts, then you are being selfish.

 

I don't get how thoughts are selfish. It's actions that can be selfish. Thoughts are just thoughts. She was expressing her thoughts and trying to deal with stress in her life. She's not acting on them. Big difference.

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painfullyobvious

Affair withdrawal is real and takes time like the loss of any relationship. Although an affair is a maladaptive relationship a person invests in them just as heavily and often more than normal relationships. An affair becomes an escape, early on the affair partner is nearly perfect, a solution to all the wandering partner's problems, etc. An affair brings short-term happiness where there was thought to be none. When all of these things are removed on a break-up or a choice to end things a person still must mourn the loss. As with all break-ups, these things take time. The difficult part is watching a wandering partner mourn the loss of the affair partner. That is not easy nor is it easy to let go of a relationship that brought happiness. It is perfectly normal for thoughts to drift towards the affair partner now and then. In time these will diminish and become less frequent. When these thoughts happen, give them their few seconds of reflection and move onto something else consciously.

 

Good luck on your recovery and reconciliation.

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