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Feel like a [bad] person [when missing their AP]


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 22nd September 2017, 6:10 AM   #16
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Me too even though

I bitterly regret the relationship with AP. I keep on working hard to address the flaws in my make-up that led me there. That said, I still miss AP every so often. There has been absolute NC for 4 years. Still the thought pops up. Rolls in rolls out, no harm no foul.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 6:42 AM   #17
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Maybe you don't miss HIM. You miss traits he had. You miss the way you felt. But it's not him.

Try laying down and really focusing when you feel this way. Feel in your body, in the pit of your stomach, what it is you're feeling....is it fear? Insecurity? Abandonment?

That's the core of it. Not OM. He just delivered something you needed
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Old 22nd September 2017, 8:48 AM   #18
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alsudduth,

Look we are all human. What is expected here is, well maybe unachievable to the degree a BS would like. The struggle to match what is expected is what helps. That is not having any feeling towards a former AP expect hate. I think deep down, sometime all WS, "miss" their AP, or the excitement of the affair, or the experience itself. Also, think of past spouse, and boy/girl friends. Would this apply as well? This is just human nature. What you should realize is that this is natural, and that your husband is the love of your life, and move your thoughts to him. What ever soft spot, or affection for your AP, or of the experience, will stay, but place it in the proper context.

I do not expect, and hope she does not of me as well, to have my wife be unemotional to all human being but myself. I expect her to be my fateful and loving wife as she expects the same of me as her husband. As I remember you both "slipped" and yours was a EA. (correct me if wrong) So keep this buried deep, give yourself a break on what you feel, and go out on a date with your husband.

I wish you luck......
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Old 22nd September 2017, 10:00 AM   #19
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Thanks. I think you all are right. I'm stressed with work and children and the new house, etc. and I was feeling the need for an escape. Maybe I'll just splurge and get a massage!

Also compounded with the fact that this is about the time when things really went south with my H just has me on edge.

Don't worry, I feel better already. I still choose reconciliation with my H. the OM is out of the picture and has been since my H found out. There is no going back for me. It's not who I want to be as a person.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 10:41 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drifter777 View Post
I find these "miss my AP" threads disgusting. Divorce your poor husband and go be with the one you want.

It's only a matter of time before you cheat again. Women with this kind of gigantic sense of entitlement always do.
Really? I'm not sure what part of my post made you come to this conclusion about me...but you are dead wrong.
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Last edited by alsudduth; 22nd September 2017 at 10:43 AM..
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Old 22nd September 2017, 10:51 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by alsudduth View Post
Thanks. I think you all are right. I'm stressed with work and children and the new house, etc. and I was feeling the need for an escape. Maybe I'll just splurge and get a massage!

Also compounded with the fact that this is about the time when things really went south with my H just has me on edge.

Don't worry, I feel better already. I still choose reconciliation with my H. the OM is out of the picture and has been since my H found out. There is no going back for me. It's not who I want to be as a person.
This is a great idea. It's good to find ways of relaxing when you are under stress. If you don;t mind a suggetsion, how about surprising your husband with a couple's massage? that way, you both get to relax and spend some time together.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 1:29 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by alsudduth View Post
Thanks. I think you all are right. I'm stressed with work and children and the new house, etc. and I was feeling the need for an escape. Maybe I'll just splurge and get a massage!

Also compounded with the fact that this is about the time when things really went south with my H just has me on edge.

Don't worry, I feel better already. I still choose reconciliation with my H. the OM is out of the picture and has been since my H found out. There is no going back for me. It's not who I want to be as a person.
I think your looking at this all wrong. If your stressed you should be talking to your husband. You should be doing even more work to focus on building a great connection back with him. This way he can see the signs better to help you and your opening yourself up him to see those signs more easily.

You call your thinking about the AP as an escape really shows that you hold him in a positive light. This does not speak well for your marriage. This is the man knew you were married. He willing attacked your husband and your children and put there lives and livelihood at risk. If your looking at him as an escape you might want to seriously consider getting a divorce.


Your husband needs a partner that will look to him as the person they want to run to when things are hard. Not some other man that willing destroyed the people you love. Your children need a motherly figure in there lives to show them that when things get hard you draw your family in and work together.

I think if you really want to fix things you need to show your husband this thread. Tell him the truth about the other man and that your still looking at him in a fond light. He deserves to know the truth. If you chose to hide this from him then you are still the same person you were when you cheated. It is selfish to make choices for other people when the outcome only benefits you.

If you want to change you have to dig deep and open yourself up completely and let go of the outcome. When you cheated you gave up the right to say what it should be. That belongs to your husband hence its part of the gift.

C
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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:23 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by drifter777 View Post
I find these "miss my AP" threads disgusting. Divorce your poor husband and go be with the one you want.

It's only a matter of time before you cheat again. Women with this kind of gigantic sense of entitlement always do.
Wow. Just because she has thoughts and misses her AP that automatically means she's going to cheat again and that she has a giant sense of entitlement?

Drifter, maybe you're just having a bad day and maybe her post just triggered you big time, but your assumptions based on her thoughts are WAY OFF. And your anger and bitterness are coming through your post loud and clear. That makes me sad for you.

I dealt with this for a long time: how could I be in R with my H if I still missed and thought of AP? And DK nailed it when he said the affair was an escape, so when you're missing AP, it's not that you're missing that person as much as you're missing the escape.

OP, I still miss mine too. Does that mean I'm going to go have an affair again and want to be with him? Not at all. It's hard when he creeps in my thoughts, but he does and I know now to just ride it out and it passes. And it passes so much faster than it used to. When I would try to fight it and tell myself it was wrong (and basically tell myself the things Drifter said in his post), it just made the feelings worse.

It's okay for us to feel. Not okay for us to act. I tell myself that every time I have those thoughts. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have thoughts that "we just aren't supposed to have." We are addicts. We have to remember that every day we have to choose not to go back to our former behaviors. We can never let our guard down.

I'm sorry you're going through it and I know it will pass soon. Just ride it out. It happens to me too. edit: it sounds like in your second post that it has already passed. I think this is good for others like us to see because when I was in the early days after confession, it was a real battle for me.

Last edited by deadsoul; 23rd September 2017 at 3:25 PM..
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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:32 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clay View Post
I think your looking at this all wrong. If your stressed you should be talking to your husband. You should be doing even more work to focus on building a great connection back with him. This way he can see the signs better to help you and your opening yourself up him to see those signs more easily.

You call your thinking about the AP as an escape really shows that you hold him in a positive light. This does not speak well for your marriage. This is the man knew you were married. He willing attacked your husband and your children and put there lives and livelihood at risk. If your looking at him as an escape you might want to seriously consider getting a divorce.


Your husband needs a partner that will look to him as the person they want to run to when things are hard. Not some other man that willing destroyed the people you love. Your children need a motherly figure in there lives to show them that when things get hard you draw your family in and work together.

I think if you really want to fix things you need to show your husband this thread. Tell him the truth about the other man and that your still looking at him in a fond light. He deserves to know the truth. If you chose to hide this from him then you are still the same person you were when you cheated. It is selfish to make choices for other people when the outcome only benefits you.

If you want to change you have to dig deep and open yourself up completely and let go of the outcome. When you cheated you gave up the right to say what it should be. That belongs to your husband hence its part of the gift.

C
I agree with you on the part that she should be talking to her husband about her stress. But telling him about missing AP? She got to the bottom of it, that it really wasn't about missing AP, but more the stress getting to her over things in her life. If anything, it's a wake up reminder for her to remember her focus and communicate with her H. But telling him, "Hey, I miss AP." How is that helpful? She is NOT the same person she was when she cheated. The difference here is that she's had thoughts. She has not acted on them, nor will she. So she is not being selfish having feelings. Tell me, do you tell your wife every time you see a hot girl on the street or in a magazine and you have an inappropriate thought? If you tell me you don't have inappropriate thoughts, I'd say I didn't believe you, but do you tell your wife that? No. It would only hurt her. If you ACTED on your inappropriate thoughts, then you are being selfish.

I don't get how thoughts are selfish. It's actions that can be selfish. Thoughts are just thoughts. She was expressing her thoughts and trying to deal with stress in her life. She's not acting on them. Big difference.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:45 PM   #25
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Affair withdrawal is real and takes time like the loss of any relationship. Although an affair is a maladaptive relationship a person invests in them just as heavily and often more than normal relationships. An affair becomes an escape, early on the affair partner is nearly perfect, a solution to all the wandering partner's problems, etc. An affair brings short-term happiness where there was thought to be none. When all of these things are removed on a break-up or a choice to end things a person still must mourn the loss. As with all break-ups, these things take time. The difficult part is watching a wandering partner mourn the loss of the affair partner. That is not easy nor is it easy to let go of a relationship that brought happiness. It is perfectly normal for thoughts to drift towards the affair partner now and then. In time these will diminish and become less frequent. When these thoughts happen, give them their few seconds of reflection and move onto something else consciously.

Good luck on your recovery and reconciliation.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:24 PM   #26
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So at first I was going to say it's somewhat normal to think of the AP if you had a decent experience in the affair and it was terminated unnaturally by a D Day. For me, I don't think of him since I had the delightful experience of seeing him for a year after it ended so I got to know 100% that he was a total waste of human DNA.

But - then I refreshed myself on your backstory, which I actually had read live (been on this board too long now) and well, I will say that I think it's not a good sign. I do not think you are a bad person or any of that crap (please, if you've read my story I don't think badly of anyone), but it was some guy you had a few dates with in high school. How old are you now, 40s? To me, clearly it is an infatuation, a white knight syndrome because you are unhappy. Whether you were unhappy before or since your husband had an OW and asked for a divorce, only you know. But it's been years on and off that you have talked to this guy - clearly he also shares that infatuation/white knight syndrome. However you posted a year ago that he was separated and getting divorced. I fear for you that he will divorce, move on and you will not move on as well.

It shouldn't be this hard, that is what I am saying. I am wondering if deep down you question if it was just an EA with the OW, he wanted to divorce you, I read your posts and I see you putting all the blame on yourself. It takes two. Are you really happy where you are?
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Old 23rd September 2017, 10:17 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
I know this might sound counterintuative, but talking to your spouse when you are struggling can really help.

I'm not saying that you need to rub the affair in his face, just that you are down and having a bad day.

Part of reconciliation is learning to trust each other with your emotions. It can be a rocky road sometimes, but try not to get bogged down in worrying about it.
I might be wrong, but are you suggesting to tell the BS "I miss my AP, can we talk about it? " If my WW ever hinted to that, I woud hire the most vicious divorce lawyer in the state the next business day.
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Old 24th September 2017, 7:30 AM   #28
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I might be wrong, but are you suggesting to tell the BS "I miss my AP, can we talk about it? " If my WW ever hinted to that, I woud hire the most vicious divorce lawyer in the state the next business day.
Well there is the WW telling her BH that she misses
the OM for the sex was great.

Then there is the WW that tells her BH about how
affairs cause the same addictive brain chemistry
as doing drugs.

The thought of being bad and getting away with it
gives people in affairs a high. Addictions cause the
addict to keep wanting to get another fix. Just as a
drunk wants another beer a WS wants another date
with their AP.

This does not mean I want the OM. That my cravings
from the affair high makes me miss the affair. I have
learned that affairs and the OM are bad and never
will go there again. Me being sad is not me missing
the affair but my body missing the high.

As with all addicts with time we detox from our
addiction and then no longer miss the high.

My commitment to you BH is to maintain NC
with the OM forever to prevent the addictive
feelings returning.



Betrayed&Strayed, when a relationship ends
people are advised to not date for a year for
their brain to heal. They need to mourn the
lose of the relationship. An affair is a
relationship.

Now some people can take an unopened carton
of cigarette toss it away and quit and bury
their cravings. Others have a hard time and
cannot even be around others that are smoking.

I have seen countless WW's through the years.
Some on D day went cold turkey on the OM.
Others had a hard time beating their addiction.
Though with effort they did.
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Old 24th September 2017, 10:27 AM   #29
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OP,

The problem is unfortunately there is ALWAYS going to be stress in your life, sometimes more, and sometimes less. Using that as a "reason" your thoughts turn to OM is rationalizing. The bottom line is there is no reason that it is acceptable. You could and maybe did use the same thought process for entering the affair.

Now, just as pronouncements that you will cheat again are not correct, SO ARE pronouncements that you will never cheat again. You probably did not think you would ever be one to do it the first time.

Just like a drunk or drug addict has a more likely chance of relapse, so do you versus someone who never crossed the line and facing that head on will help you more than making reasons why you are still thinking of OM. Drunks do not have to go to the same bar to be a drunk again. The bars are all over the place and so are men.

No one here knows if you will ever do this again and neither do you. Whoever can predict that with certainty will be an instant billionaire.
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Old 24th September 2017, 11:12 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by Friskyone4u View Post
OP,

The problem is unfortunately there is ALWAYS going to be stress in your life, sometimes more, and sometimes less. Using that as a "reason" your thoughts turn to OM is rationalizing. The bottom line is there is no reason that it is acceptable. You could and maybe did use the same thought process for entering the affair.
I'm not looking for a reason to rationalize...I'm looking to understand what brings the thoughts to the forefront so that I can be cognizant of the triggers and do something about it before it gets out of control. So that I can learn healthy habits in place of the bad habits.

That was the whole point of my post.
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