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Feel like a [bad] person [when missing their AP]


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 21st September 2017, 10:08 AM   #1
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Feel like a [bad] person [when missing their AP]

Do any other wayward spouses have moments where they miss their AP? I feel like an absolute S@#t person for even thinking about him, but I miss him right now. I'll never reach out to him. It's definitely over and I choose my husband.

But I guess I wonder if it's normal to go through bouts of missing the AP? It will pass soon I'm sure, but today I'm sad.
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:13 AM   #2
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And also, how can I use these times as a learning tool to grow myself as a more mature person, how can I turn the thoughts of him around to make a healthier relationship with my H?
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:17 AM   #3
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No shock that you miss him. Why? He was an escape. You have so much going on in your life both personal and professional (I've been reading your recent threads) that you maybe looking for an escape, AP offers that, right?

When we are thirsty we want to drink, vodka is wet, but does it offer a real solution? Or does it long term create more damage?
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:28 AM   #4
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No shock that you miss him. Why? He was an escape. You have so much going on in your life both personal and professional (I've been reading your recent threads) that you maybe looking for an escape, AP offers that, right?

When we are thirsty we want to drink, vodka is wet, but does it offer a real solution? Or does it long term create more damage?
Thanks, DKT3. That makes a lot of sense.
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:41 AM   #5
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And also, how can I use these times as a learning tool to grow myself as a more mature person, how can I turn the thoughts of him around to make a healthier relationship with my H?
I know this might sound counterintuative, but talking to your spouse when you are struggling can really help.

I'm not saying that you need to rub the affair in his face, just that you are down and having a bad day.

Part of reconciliation is learning to trust each other with your emotions. It can be a rocky road sometimes, but try not to get bogged down in worrying about it.
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:41 AM   #6
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No shock that you miss him. Why? He was an escape. You have so much going on in your life both personal and professional (I've been reading your recent threads) that you maybe looking for an escape, AP offers that, right?

When we are thirsty we want to drink, vodka is wet, but does it offer a real solution? Or does it long term create more damage?
I agree with this. During the first few months after my d-day I missed xAP and was like why would I miss him? After everything that has happened? And finally I realized missing him/thinking about him was an escape from the chaos and pain my life had become.

Once I had this realization, my thoughts of xAP faded quickly. If I did happen to think of xAP, I thought, how is this helping me and my relationship? And would refocus myself on thoughts that were helping me and my relationship. I know it sounds simplistic but it worked for me.
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:44 AM   #7
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one more thing op...

as far as I can tell, it's normal for a ws to have rough days, so please try not to beat yourself up over it. Let your husband know you are having a bad day, and give him a chance to comfort you.

Small steps like this get you where you want to go.
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:58 AM   #8
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I know this might sound counterintuative, but talking to your spouse when you are struggling can really help.

I'm not saying that you need to rub the affair in his face, just that you are down and having a bad day.

Part of reconciliation is learning to trust each other with your emotions. It can be a rocky road sometimes, but try not to get bogged down in worrying about it.
It could also potentially help build trust. Had my WH ever came to me and just was honest and told me he was having a bad day... And even that he missed OW (don't know that he ever did, I asked and he always denied), I think it would have hurt, but it would have meant something that he was being honest with me about his feelings and emotions. But I think us, women, are likely more open to that honesty than men, so maybe don't listen to my advice.
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:12 AM   #9
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I went back and checked out your old threads that you started. I could not go thru them all, but in general it seemed that you and H were seriously on the verge of divorce. He was sexually dissatisfied with you. You suffered low self esteem due to his dissatisfaction coupled with your own issues regarding your body and its "reactions". (I am avoiding TMI) Additionally, you have been together since you guys were teens. Phew.

How are you two on the counseling front? I mean marital, IC and perhaps sex therapy (not use of a surrogate but from a licensed sex therapist)? Perhaps you answered it earlier, but I did not come across it.

I think that OM is a fantasy of sorts. I also think that your desire to "escape" may be founded upon the fact that there are some things that need to be escaped from. (bad grammar, I know). Still, there is so much that you need as an individual who is not defined by the roles that you occupy inside of your household.

The "YOU" is in need of some care. I could be waaay off base, but I think that you are surviving in your situation, but perhaps not thriving. If I am wrong, pardon me. Still, infidelity was not your problem, it was a symptom of something more and it became THE problem, but the original problem still remains and is rearing its head again. My .02.
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:37 AM   #10
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If it makes it easier, your feelings to AP, are part of a wider picture. In that wide picture, you need a reminder for your sacrifice you need to make, as a price for your wrong choices in the past. It is also makes you remember to choose your husband again, every now and then.
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Old 21st September 2017, 2:29 PM   #11
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Try thinking about the real OM.

He had an affair with you.

He is an enemy to your family.

He has hurt your family. You look at him with rose colored glasses.

He did not have to help pay the bills, clean the house, any real life stuff.

He used you for sex, and he would be glad to hurt your family again.

Maybe if you look at the reality of the OM, you will someday see that what you are thinking is not real, just a fantasy world.

How would you feel if your H was still pining over his AP and did not tell you?

You would not mind if your H had the A? that would be okay?
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Old 21st September 2017, 3:27 PM   #12
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Still, infidelity was not your problem, it was a symptom of something more and it became THE problem, but the original problem still remains and is rearing its head again. My .02.
I would have to agree with this statement. OM was an escape from something else. I'm so far out from my own A (revenge affair) that I don't think of xOM at all anymore, even when my WH had his last A with xMOW. Once I had reached the point of indifference xOM became a non-entity. Anytime my M has hit a low (and it did when we separated) I had a short fling and it was an escape from what I was dealing with. As a fWS myself it is something I will always have to be conscious of if my M takes a turn for the worse again.
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Old 21st September 2017, 8:10 PM   #13
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It is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship.

Affairs cause addictive brain chemistry. This
is why people feel good during an affair. Also
this addiction is why affairs are hard to end,
and why there is usually a relapse during
recovery.

This is also why to ensure there is NC and to
prevent the addictive cravings for the affair
that the WS and their family move far away
to prevent the affair restarting.

Just the was a smoker has to have a cigarette,
drunk another drink, heroin another hit.
Addicts grave a hit to feel that high again.

Their cravings for the high makes them forget
the down side to their addiction.
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:45 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by alsudduth View Post
Do any other wayward spouses have moments where they miss their AP? I feel like an absolute S@#t person for even thinking about him, but I miss him right now. I'll never reach out to him. It's definitely over and I choose my husband.

But I guess I wonder if it's normal to go through bouts of missing the AP? It will pass soon I'm sure, but today I'm sad.
It's normal to miss anyone you had feelings for. There are a couple of female friends I was close with that I'm no longer in contact with, I miss them when they cross my mind.

Sorry you are still fighting this, stay strong.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 12:28 AM   #15
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I find these "miss my AP" threads disgusting. Divorce your poor husband and go be with the one you want.

It's only a matter of time before you cheat again. Women with this kind of gigantic sense of entitlement always do.

Last edited by drifter777; 22nd September 2017 at 12:30 AM..
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