LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

What do I do?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree32Likes
  • 10 Post By RecentChange
  • 6 Post By Confused48
  • 2 Post By merrmeade
  • 3 Post By pheonixrisen
  • 4 Post By BTDT2012
  • 1 Post By wmacbride
  • 3 Post By wmacbride
  • 1 Post By wmacbride
  • 2 Post By Just a Guy
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 19th September 2017, 5:35 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2
Exclamation What do I do?

I've been in love with my husband since I was 17. We've been married for 12 yrs. We've been through some tough situations together including financial, deaths, military, our immaturities, and fertility problems. I'm accountable for many immature fights and because of grief from miscarriages, I had asked for divorce twice this year (after another miscarriage) but I've asked it before in the past years when I felt like I wanted to quit on life altogether. The second time I asked for it this year, he agreed... we later talked about it and agreed on a trial separation (May). We both had a lot of faults which lead to it.

Then a miracle happened and we found out we were 10 wks pregnant on July 10th. We were both incredibly happy. But I continued to stay at my parents July and August to give him some space.

So a few days ago, I discovered a credit card statement with a flight to Chile and a changed password to an important account which consisted of another girls name. I confronted him about it, and he looked me in the eyes and said he wasn't cheating. He had to leave the house again, so I did some more snooping and found all these emails/ Facebook messages to his mistress. He had booked a flight, airbnb, and a car to Chile... where she is from. All these weeks he had been claiming it was a military deployment which was in less than 24 hours.

I was so upset because of all I uncovered, he eventually told me everything and he called his parents to help us sort this all out. I was about to leave and he asked me to stay, he said he wants to work on our marriage and he choses me and our baby.

But he said he needed to go on this trip because its non refundable and he really needs this to get away and think about things. He claims there are 3 other guys from his past military training who are also coming. He swore on his past grandmother and our unborn child that he will no longer talk to her nor see her throughout the whole trip.

He then changed the passwords to the accounts so that "I will no longer stress" about his mistakes. He's been there for 2 days and has 7 days left. The first two nights our conversations were more or less peaceful and even included a few I love yous. But today, he was highly irritated bringing back that if it wasn't for me asking for divorce, that none of this would of happened, that we would've never had this affair. He also was upset when I changed the passwords back to the old ones... this caused him to start yelling and threatening that we're not going to try on our marriage anymore.

What I don't get is why is he sorry one day, then the next day pointing all the fingers at me. I don't know if it's just his guilt that he doesn't know how to handle or he's grieving he's trying to move on from his mistress. I'm here mostly reassuring him that when he comes back home I'll forgive his betrayal as long as he doesn't see her, which he swears he wont. And with my forgiveness, that he'll forgive my divorce crap I've given him. How do we get back to the peaceful side and stay there so we can at least be peaceful when the baby arrives in 4 months. Is this salvageable? Why is he acting like this when I've mostly been patient and loving since he's left? I'm literally begging him to calm down and be patient with us. Someone please explain why he's being this way... I don't know what to do anymore, and I'm starting to spot from all this stress... not good for the baby I'm carrying �� Thanks for your help
BellaJo811 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th September 2017, 5:56 PM   #2
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,716
I am sorry but I do not think this is salvageable.

First, I wouldn't believe for a moment that he isn't seeing his mistress - why do you believe him when he has been lying to your face "I am not cheating".

Second - why did you agree to let him go?

Non refundable?!?! So that money and his good time vacation are more important that YOU and his unborn baby?

His friends are more important than you, and his unborn baby?

Non refundable and friends are not valid excuses to leave your pregnant wife to go on his pre-planned trip with his mistress.

What do you do? See an attorney, start protecting your rights and those of your child.

You can just forgive someone for something like this. They have to WANT to earn your forgiveness. They have to want to grovel, and plead and do all sorts of HARD WORK to earn your trust. That includes handing over all passwords, all phones, being accountable to where he is at, what he is doing 24 hours a day, and NO TRIPS with the buddies or mistresses!!!

I say this as someone who has cheated, and reconciled - let me tell you it was HARD WORK. Hard for me, hard for him. But first I had to accept that I had messed up royally, and was willing and HAPPY to do whatever he needed me to do to earn his trust back - and then go above and beyond that.

Reconciliation is a GIFT the betrayed offers - and its up to the offender to do everything they can to honor that gift.

He crapped on it and went on vacation.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th September 2017, 6:18 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 349
You're young. Find someone who will respect you. Your husband is no longer the man you married. People change sometimes and now that you know he's cheated, you can either lower your standards and accept this is now who he is or be strong and walk away. Don't be upset at the mistress... if it wasn't her, it'd be someone else.
Ahurtgirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th September 2017, 6:48 PM   #4
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2
I'm still in shock that all of this is happening. I thought we were working on our marriage because we're having a baby, then I found just this wkend. I agreed to let him go because I thought that if I had stopped him, that he'd have more resentment and more reasons to leave me. He says he understands why I'm being the way I am. But for the sake of the baby, that I should let it go for now and we'll talk about it when things have calmed down. I know I feel so stupid but I do trust him when he says he's not seeing her. He'd know otherwise that I have contacted the mistress informing her that I'm pregnant, married for 12 yrs, and we chose to work on our marriage with the support of his family. He's been wanting this baby too for 12 years, his biological walked out on him when we was just a baby... so I don't know why he even did this. I feel guilty that my baby won't have a complete family because I feel like it was my fault for asking for the divorce which he said led him to this affair.

Last edited by BellaJo811; 19th September 2017 at 6:50 PM..
BellaJo811 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th September 2017, 8:23 PM   #5
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 4
Priorities

Right, now focus on you and the baby...worry about the rest later...once you have a healthy baby, or even now, set boundaries...seek counseling or talk to someone...anyway, praying for you and your child...
amstcole is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th September 2017, 8:42 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Confused48's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 857
Wow. What a classic story of a "cake eater." Your H wants you to take him back and continue like nothing happened. He will do this to you again, repeatedly, as long as you keep taking him back.

You are young and have a very short term relationship with a very damaged guy. Get out for your own sake and your child's sake.

Be alone if you have to, it's better than being with a damaged guy like this. Likely though, you will, after some time and internal repair, find a healthy partner to help you raise your child and have more if you want.
Confused48 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st September 2017, 1:57 AM   #7
Established Member
 
merrmeade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Deep in the heart of...
Posts: 2,616
I'm sorry but we've SO many of these stories here and have experienced our own, and this one does NOT sound at all hopeful. I agree with everything previous posters said - still cheating. I believe the irritability is because he is fundamentally self-centered. That's his basic orientation. For a while he acted the part, but his squirming with base urges and willful petulance mean he wants what he wants NOW like a spoiled child.

Well, I say the sooner you can get rid of him the better for you and the baby. You need to get yourself somewhere with people who love and care for you. Can you go back home with your parents until the baby is born? You need to be surrounded by love and light and cared for, for the sake of the new life you're carrying. Can you just go home and see a lawyer there?

I know people will say you must stay in the family home, to establish your financial rights, but can you just ask a lawyer if there is a way. Then just let the lawyer handle communication and separation for you.
merrmeade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st September 2017, 5:38 AM   #8
Established Member
 
pheonixrisen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 309
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaJo811 View Post
I've been in love with my husband since I was 17. We've been married for 12 yrs. We've been through some tough situations together including financial, deaths, military, our immaturities, and fertility problems. I'm accountable for many immature fights and because of grief from miscarriages, I had asked for divorce twice this year (after another miscarriage) but I've asked it before in the past years when I felt like I wanted to quit on life altogether. The second time I asked for it this year, he agreed... we later talked about it and agreed on a trial separation (May). We both had a lot of faults which lead to it.

Then a miracle happened and we found out we were 10 wks pregnant on July 10th. We were both incredibly happy. But I continued to stay at my parents July and August to give him some space.

So a few days ago, I discovered a credit card statement with a flight to Chile and a changed password to an important account which consisted of another girls name. I confronted him about it, and he looked me in the eyes and said he wasn't cheating. He had to leave the house again, so I did some more snooping and found all these emails/ Facebook messages to his mistress. He had booked a flight, airbnb, and a car to Chile... where she is from. All these weeks he had been claiming it was a military deployment which was in less than 24 hours.

I was so upset because of all I uncovered, he eventually told me everything and he called his parents to help us sort this all out. I was about to leave and he asked me to stay, he said he wants to work on our marriage and he choses me and our baby.

But he said he needed to go on this trip because its non refundable and he really needs this to get away and think about things. He claims there are 3 other guys from his past military training who are also coming. He swore on his past grandmother and our unborn child that he will no longer talk to her nor see her throughout the whole trip.

He then changed the passwords to the accounts so that "I will no longer stress" about his mistakes. He's been there for 2 days and has 7 days left. The first two nights our conversations were more or less peaceful and even included a few I love yous. But today, he was highly irritated bringing back that if it wasn't for me asking for divorce, that none of this would of happened, that we would've never had this affair. He also was upset when I changed the passwords back to the old ones... this caused him to start yelling and threatening that we're not going to try on our marriage anymore.

What I don't get is why is he sorry one day, then the next day pointing all the fingers at me. I don't know if it's just his guilt that he doesn't know how to handle or he's grieving he's trying to move on from his mistress. I'm here mostly reassuring him that when he comes back home I'll forgive his betrayal as long as he doesn't see her, which he swears he wont. And with my forgiveness, that he'll forgive my divorce crap I've given him. How do we get back to the peaceful side and stay there so we can at least be peaceful when the baby arrives in 4 months. Is this salvageable? Why is he acting like this when I've mostly been patient and loving since he's left? I'm literally begging him to calm down and be patient with us. Someone please explain why he's being this way... I don't know what to do anymore, and I'm starting to spot from all this stress... not good for the baby I'm carrying �� Thanks for your help
Because he is still in the affair .

You may have bag fights .asked for a divorce you are equally responsible for failure of the marriage but his affair is not your fault .that is on him .so don't take that blame on you.

The fluctuation of emotion calm/anger /irritation/screaming /threats by him of leaving is his way of controlling the situation .

If you step out of line ..ask question he does not want to ans or has to lie about, he is being forced to end an affair that he does not yet want too.then all above ups and down in emotions comes into play

He is still in the affair.

If you want him to get in line in any way .file for divorce.and be prepared to go through it if push comes to shove .taking a stand just might save your marriage .if you don't you are looking at years of him going back and forth and you may think a child birth would have deep emotional affect but don't count on it .

Right now you are alone because he is involved else where .you need to take a stand for your self and your child .get a lawyer know your rights

Do not run behind him .it will not change a thing.
You cannot stop him from having an affair .they just find a better way to do it .

And know this :reconciliation after an affair is very hard .you cannot find success with a h you need to drag through it .
__________________
What you stand for. & what you stand against Defines you.

Last edited by pheonixrisen; 21st September 2017 at 5:43 AM..
pheonixrisen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st September 2017, 9:25 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 666
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaJo811 View Post
I'm still in shock that all of this is happening. I thought we were working on our marriage because we're having a baby, then I found just this wkend. I agreed to let him go because I thought that if I had stopped him, that he'd have more resentment and more reasons to leave me. He says he understands why I'm being the way I am. But for the sake of the baby, that I should let it go for now and we'll talk about it when things have calmed down. I know I feel so stupid but I do trust him when he says he's not seeing her. He'd know otherwise that I have contacted the mistress informing her that I'm pregnant, married for 12 yrs, and we chose to work on our marriage with the support of his family. He's been wanting this baby too for 12 years, his biological walked out on him when we was just a baby... so I don't know why he even did this. I feel guilty that my baby won't have a complete family because I feel like it was my fault for asking for the divorce which he said led him to this affair.
No, his decision to cheat is 100% on him. Concentrate on yourself and your unborn baby. Speak to an attorney to determine your rights. The only person that you can control is you. Don't even waste any energy on the AP.
BTDT2012 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st September 2017, 12:27 PM   #10
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,881
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaJo811 View Post
I've been in love with my husband since I was 17. We've been married for 12 yrs. We've been through some tough situations together including financial, deaths, military, our immaturities, and fertility problems. I'm accountable for many immature fights and because of grief from miscarriages, I had asked for divorce twice this year (after another miscarriage) but I've asked it before in the past years when I felt like I wanted to quit on life altogether. The second time I asked for it this year, he agreed... we later talked about it and agreed on a trial separation (May). We both had a lot of faults which lead to it.

Then a miracle happened and we found out we were 10 wks pregnant on July 10th. We were both incredibly happy. But I continued to stay at my parents July and August to give him some space.

So a few days ago, I discovered a credit card statement with a flight to Chile and a changed password to an important account which consisted of another girls name. I confronted him about it, and he looked me in the eyes and said he wasn't cheating. He had to leave the house again, so I did some more snooping and found all these emails/ Facebook messages to his mistress. He had booked a flight, airbnb, and a car to Chile... where she is from. All these weeks he had been claiming it was a military deployment which was in less than 24 hours.

I was so upset because of all I uncovered, he eventually told me everything and he called his parents to help us sort this all out. I was about to leave and he asked me to stay, he said he wants to work on our marriage and he choses me and our baby.

But he said he needed to go on this trip because its non refundable and he really needs this to get away and think about things. He claims there are 3 other guys from his past military training who are also coming. He swore on his past grandmother and our unborn child that he will no longer talk to her nor see her throughout the whole trip.

He then changed the passwords to the accounts so that "I will no longer stress" about his mistakes. He's been there for 2 days and has 7 days left. The first two nights our conversations were more or less peaceful and even included a few I love yous. But today, he was highly irritated bringing back that if it wasn't for me asking for divorce, that none of this would of happened, that we would've never had this affair. He also was upset when I changed the passwords back to the old ones... this caused him to start yelling and threatening that we're not going to try on our marriage anymore.

What I don't get is why is he sorry one day, then the next day pointing all the fingers at me. I don't know if it's just his guilt that he doesn't know how to handle or he's grieving he's trying to move on from his mistress. I'm here mostly reassuring him that when he comes back home I'll forgive his betrayal as long as he doesn't see her, which he swears he wont. And with my forgiveness, that he'll forgive my divorce crap I've given him. How do we get back to the peaceful side and stay there so we can at least be peaceful when the baby arrives in 4 months. Is this salvageable? Why is he acting like this when I've mostly been patient and loving since he's left? I'm literally begging him to calm down and be patient with us. Someone please explain why he's being this way... I don't know what to do anymore, and I'm starting to spot from all this stress... not good for the baby I'm carrying �� Thanks for your help
Madam, please find some support in your community. Can you turn to your family, maybe stay with them for a few days so you can rest, get some support and relax a bit?

This man's behavior is abhorrent. My spouse also left really quickly after he told me what had been going on ( it was a real deployment though) , and I can't imagine how diffiuclt that would have been if I had been pregnant at the time.

His first priority should be you. Not his non-refundable trip or his buddies or anything else.
__________________
"Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?"- Dale Gribble
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st September 2017, 12:28 PM   #11
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,881
Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
Madam, please find some support in your community. Can you turn to your family, maybe stay with them for a few days so you can rest, get some support and relax a bit?

This man's behavior is abhorrent. My spouse also left really quickly after he told me what had been going on ( it was a real deployment though) , and I can't imagine how diffiuclt that would have been if I had been pregnant at the time.

His first priority should be you. Not his non-refundable trip or his buddies or anything else.
Also, if you are spotting, please, see you doctor NOW. Even if the spotting is nothing, it's wise to let him or her know about all the stress you have been going through, as there may be some relaxation techniques, etc. that he or she can show you to help you find some calmness.
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st September 2017, 12:32 PM   #12
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,881
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaJo811 View Post
I'm still in shock that all of this is happening. I thought we were working on our marriage because we're having a baby, then I found just this wkend. I agreed to let him go because I thought that if I had stopped him, that he'd have more resentment and more reasons to leave me. He says he understands why I'm being the way I am. But for the sake of the baby, that I should let it go for now and we'll talk about it when things have calmed down. I know I feel so stupid but I do trust him when he says he's not seeing her. He'd know otherwise that I have contacted the mistress informing her that I'm pregnant, married for 12 yrs, and we chose to work on our marriage with the support of his family. He's been wanting this baby too for 12 years, his biological walked out on him when we was just a baby... so I don't know why he even did this. I feel guilty that my baby won't have a complete family because I feel like it was my fault for asking for the divorce which he said led him to this affair.
Don't bother soliciting her empathy or sympathy. She doesn't have any for you. To her you are the enemy.
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 12:29 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,422
Hi Bella, guess you've been given a lot of good advice. What do you plan on doing now?. Do you have family nearby you can rely on? Sadly, it is clear that your husband has bailed on you and if you want to regain control of your life you have to start respecting yourself and start acting in your own interest. Life is a hard task master and for some people it is harder on them than on others.

You should pay heed to what the others have had to say and start divorce proceedings. Of course before that you will have to consult lawyers and get an idea of what your rights and entitlements are. Take the help of a good friend if you have any in close proximity to you. Yes, and see a doctor( gynaec) immediately about your spotting problem. With your history you are on dangerous ground medically speaking. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:33 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.