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25 years on... ?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th September 2017, 4:51 AM   #16
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I would assume the date rape was real. Why she didn't tell you is probably complex. She probably thought you would be angry and blame her and think she was dating him which she might have been. It might also be just like she said since the incidence of that kind of thing is so high.
She might also have blamed her self. She might also have buried it. Most rapes are never reported. You need to do your due diligence and research that.

Coincidently, we just finished watching THIRTEEN REASONS WHY. It's about a high school junior that commits suicide. I think it's on Netflix, amazon or Hulu. One of the things the girl in it deals with is rape.

In any event, the two of you have failed in communication and should seek counseling before things get worse. Find a good counselor and do not be afraid to dump one if either of you are not comfortable with him. Using a third party at this point to help you would be wise.
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Old 19th September 2017, 5:11 AM   #17
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Btw, I meant you should watch the show with your wife. Every parent of school aged kids should watch it. I think it might let you bring up your wife's issues though and show some understanding on your part.

As it stands, it probably looks to your wife now that what she feared would happen if she told you is now happening.

Take the attitude that she is innocent until proven guilty and be supportive even if it's with reservations that you keep well camouflaged.
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Old 19th September 2017, 5:35 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BozoDeClowne View Post
It's a fair point, but I had at that time and really never have given Rose a reason to think I didn't believe her, in pretty much any matter. I can believe the attack occurred as she stated. It is the circumstances of the guy ending up in the apartment and the almost fond references to him over the years that I don't quite "get". Alcohol could explain the former, but the latter?

When we did talk about it, I asked "How could you not tell me?" and the response was essentially one of indignation, like how dare I even ask that question. Not that she was ashamed or didn't want to hurt me. It was a deflection, more like "I won't be made to feel bad about my decision". I did not press the question, but obviously it bothers me. It may have happened in the distant past, but I was just hearing about it for the first time.

Regardless, my purpose for posting here wasn't really to try to determine the truth of that particular night. I just feel like if she chose to hide something that significant from me for a quarter century, how can I trust that she hasn't done the same with other things? I posted in this forum because with this new revelation, I find myself going back and analyzing things that have happened over the years that had me going "Hmm.." Probably just a result of the shock, but it doesn't seem as easy to discount those things now.
And this is why she never told you.

Do you know how humiliating that likely as for her to go through and when she tells you, the one person who she should be able to, it has been turned around into her cheating in you.

I'm sorry, but if this is your response, I'm not surprised she didn't say anything.
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Old 19th September 2017, 5:38 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BozoDeClowne View Post
I guess maybe I don't understand the whole repression thing. I mean I get consciously trying to move past a horrific event and getting on with your life but isn't it always right there, affecting everything. This just arrived with a boom and was seemingly gone again. To me, it does feel like a deception or omission - like "I don't trust/love/whatever you enough to see if you can help me through this". We built our relationship on being a team, sharing everything and having no secrets. I thought.

Chaparral - I have no idea what caused the outburst in the midst of the other situation. Our son has lifelong medical issues that will result in a shortened lifespan. Not imminent, but he is in his 20s and will live to be 45 with luck. That's just the way it is, barring the inevitable medical advances between now and then. He is aware, and had trouble dealing with that for the past couple of years. Doing better now, but the situation is still very stressful for all of us.

As to my specific question/issue. It occurred to me that those who have experienced infidelity have had the same sort of moment where you find out that the person closest to you has not told you the whole truth, and you start questioning everything you thought you knew. Not completely the same situation I know, but similar from the trust/faith aspect.

How do you deal with that loss of trust and the feeling that your partner found you somehow inadequate?

How do you move on and avoid going down the rabbit hole? For my part, I feel like I should have picked up a signal at some point that something had happened. In my mind, failing to do so means I was not the partner she needed at the time, and where else has that been the case? And down the rabbit hole we go!
You still aren't getting it.

Your first repose when she told you this doesn't sounds like it was you going to her, telling you how sorry you are and holding her. That is what she needed. Not to have to start thinking she's been cheating on you.


She tells you she was raped, and you turned it around to be all about you and how you feel. This isn't about you and how you feel, it's about her.

If you go to her now, tell her you are sorry that happened but you are so glad she told you, hold her in your arms and tell her you love her and that will never change, that you want to listen if she wants to talk about it, you will likley be a hero in her eyes. She will feel loved, accepted, trusted, and most of all, safe. She will know you always have her back,and will protect her, even if that just means holding her while she works through this.That will be an incredible gift to give to her, and you as well.

Like another poster said, counseling can really help. Find one you are both comfortable with, and start from there.

Even a rotten moment like you and she have been through can make a marriage stronger.

Last edited by wmacbride; 19th September 2017 at 5:46 AM..
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Old 19th September 2017, 7:05 AM   #20
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It sounds as if she was date raped. Not so much
forcibly raped but her OM/BF/date for the evening/
whatever, forced the issue and she just gave in.

Facts we do know is that she spent the evening
drinking with this OM, she brought this OM to her
house, she had sex with the OM.

We can not prove whether it as an all out rape
or the OM forced the issue leaving her to just
let it happen and get over it quickly. Either way
could of still been a rape.

Any way there is no way she will admit the truth.

To admit the truth she would have to admit that
she cheated. She was out with another man, drinking,
and brought him to her house. There is no way that
a wife can put a spin on things that will get
sympathy for being raped while not being labeled
a cheater.

The outburst about being (date) raped was her
need to tell someone was her emotions overriding
her need to talk about that event then to keep her
cheating from being found out.

She vented and realized what a huge mistake it was
to tell you about that past and she will never allow
this subject to be raised again.

To do so will force her to admit and own up her
cheating.

Seeing life has shown me that you will never get
your wife to talk about this past ever again.
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Old 19th September 2017, 7:21 AM   #21
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Unless she is literally going mad, or in the habit of telling fantasy stories, then no woman will blurt out a false 25 yo rape claim.
Of course she was raped.
Then fact you do not believe her is ridiculous, and as Macbride says you are making it all about YOU and how YOU feel.
You are not thinking of her at all.
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Old 19th September 2017, 7:59 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
It sounds as if she was date raped. Not so much
forcibly raped but her OM/BF/date for the evening/
whatever, forced the issue and she just gave in.

Facts we do know is that she spent the evening
drinking with this OM, she brought this OM to her
house, she had sex with the OM.

We can not prove whether it as an all out rape
or the OM forced the issue leaving her to just
let it happen and get over it quickly. Either way
could of still been a rape.

Any way there is no way she will admit the truth.

To admit the truth she would have to admit that
she cheated. She was out with another man, drinking,
and brought him to her house. There is no way that
a wife can put a spin on things that will get
sympathy for being raped while not being labeled
a cheater.

The outburst about being (date) raped was her
need to tell someone was her emotions overriding
her need to talk about that event then to keep her
cheating from being found out.

She vented and realized what a huge mistake it was
to tell you about that past and she will never allow
this subject to be raised again.

To do so will force her to admit and own up her
cheating.

Seeing life has shown me that you will never get
your wife to talk about this past ever again.
They were not married at the time.
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Old 19th September 2017, 8:17 AM   #23
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Your priorities are all wrong here. You are worried about the fact that she didn't tell you instead of worrying about her.
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Old 19th September 2017, 8:43 AM   #24
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Bozo...get off of this forum...or be very careful here. You will be encouraged to blow up your marriage by some posters for their personal amusement.

As to your issue. 25 yrs happily married with 3 kids, and she confesses recently to being raped by an acquaintance prior to your marriage. So what?

Don't ask about it..listen if she want to talk about it, otherwise forget it.
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Old 19th September 2017, 8:53 AM   #25
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No-one in their right mind will "confess" in their fifties, to a 25yo drunken ONS whilst at college, it really is not that important or memorable to most people.
NOT something most people would even remember 25 years later, BUT a rape is a vastly different situation.

A rape, especially an unreported and "secret" rape will follow a person around forever I guess.This was a violent rape with no justice and no restitution.
I guess the highly stressful altercation with your son triggered something in her and the floodgates opened..
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:15 AM   #26
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I completely agree with stand tall. This is NOT an affair. I repeat - this is NOT an affair.

Polygraphs, DNA tests, these are things men who are still gnawing on their own betrayals suggest to punish vicariously.

I was raped earlier in life. I kept it quiet, forced myself to be calm and forget, and even saw the rapist in public a couple of times with no reaction. Because I was traumatized and didn't know what to do.

Instead of questioning her story, tell her you are sorry it happened and move on.
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Old 19th September 2017, 12:21 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BozoDeClowne View Post
How do you deal with that loss of trust and the feeling that your partner found you somehow inadequate?
You educate yourself on the psychology of a rape victim. You must try to understand how human beings repress severe emotional trauma. This wasn't in the back of her mind stewing; it didn't happen. Remember the movie Men In Black? Remember the mind-erasing devices? That is what she did. You must understand your wife's reaction to this very serious crime is very normal.

You must find some capacity for empathy and not make this about you. Aside from her mother at the time who basically told her "forget about it," did she tell anyone else? So she did what the most influential person in any unmarried person's life at that age told her to do. At the time you were just her boyfriend, not her husband of 25 years, why would she automatically confide in you?

You must evaluate this in the context before this trauma was repressed. She was 22-24 years old. You were her then boyfriend. He was her friend, not some random guy she met that night. She did what any friend would do (not let a friend drive drunk), and he utterly betrayed her trust in human beings. This is earth-shattering because you cannot tell the difference between the good guys and the bad guys.

Do not automatically insinuate that something nefarious (between them) was afoot that night. When my college girlfriend was in Australia for 6 weeks, I went out with her roommates and slept on their couch for that very same reason. I can promise you that nothing EVER happened; we were friends. I know it seems odd to some people, but guys and girls do not always end up having sex. We can be friends and respect each other too.

The reason she did not tell you is not because you weren't macho enough to handle it or did not trust you; she could not handle it. Thus, she kept it buried so she did not have to relive the trauma. This is why you did not pick up on it. Please cut her some slack. She is the victim. I can promise you that as bad as you may feel about this--she is feeling worse.
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Old 19th September 2017, 12:44 PM   #28
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As an aside, I think considering rape as a form of cheating is patently ignorant and rather insulting. There's no "sharing of physical intimacy" in a forcibly violent crime. I'm not a invalidating OP's feelings because they're normal, and he is too processing the trauma. But please do not give your wife the impression that being raped is a form of cheating. Please, for the sake of your relationship--don't do it.
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Old 19th September 2017, 1:09 PM   #29
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op,

I know this has been difficult for you too.

I don't think it's your fault that she couldn't share this with you, and it doesn't mean she doesn't trust you or love you.

This goes way beyond anything like that. In fact, she may have even hidden it from herself.

Right now, your job is to be there for her, hold her, reassure her and tell her that you still love just as much as ever. It's sad, but there are women ( and
men too) who have been through what you wife has who think their spouse will no longer love them after something like this.

I expect this has been really hard for you, and your instinct may well be to go and wring that guy's neck. Don't do that. if you need to vent, do it here or with a trusted friend, counselor or someone else.
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Old 19th September 2017, 4:15 PM   #30
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My wife and I have gone through something similar to this. Many years ago we were asked to be in the wedding of one of her friends who had just gotten out of the army. My wife was to be matron-of-honor for a girl she had never met as he brought his fiance "home" for the wedding from another part of the country. He lured my wife to his apartment under the guise of reviewing some wedding plans. Once there he professed his long time crush on my wife & grabbed her and forcibly tried to kiss her. My wife fought him off and left. She never told me at the time because she knew I would have beaten him like a dog. Years later when she told me the story I was angry about the incident but never blamed her for his advances. I believed it happened the way she told me. The thing that bothered me was that she didn't at least tell his his bride-to-be that she was marrying a piece of $hit. To this day I'd like to punch the guy in the face but I haven't seen him since the wedding and don't expect I ever will.

From everything I've learned about "date-rape" I would tend to believe your wife that it happened in the way she describes. I believe on occasion women do say "no" when they mean "yes" but far more often than not, no means no. A man must respect her wishes and stop no matter how far along the consensual part of the act happens to be. She has the right to end the activity even though the man is in a position to overwhelm her and take what he wants. If he doesn't stop - it's rape from that point on.

Your wife may have been ok with all of this to a point and then said "no" but that is something you will never know because she will likely never tell you. However, I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt, accept her version of events, and provide her with understanding and comfort. The whole truth may not be all that important if you will accept that she intended to stop him before penetration of any orifice.

I have to add: since my wife did cheat on me a couple years later there is a part of me that wonders if she told me the whole truth about this incident. Since she is the one who just told me about it 25 years after the fact I have no reason to doubt her. No reason other than that she's a lying cheat but, again, she didn't have to tell me the story.

Last edited by drifter777; 19th September 2017 at 4:31 PM..
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