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Exhausted by wife's PA


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 18th September 2017, 6:25 AM   #16
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Exposure is the best way to end and affair. Don't regret not following through. Tell his mother you need help to save your marriage. Her parents as well.

From your posts your wife has no remorse just regret from being caught.

You are correct affairs are addictive if they have contact you will get relapse.

VAR with Velcro under the car seat. You cannot trust at this time.

Going to MC this early? MC's are notorious for rugsweeping or blaming you for the affair. Total BS. Beware!!!!! She needs IC

You're still to indecisive on your actions.

Separation at this time is usually to be able to spend more time with the other man. Happens over and over.

You don't know or have any idea what hours on at her work.
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Old 18th September 2017, 6:28 AM   #17
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Cheaters lie hide and deny. She didn't confess until you discovered it.

You want badly to believe her because you want it to be true. Very often it's not.

Sorry man but you are still in denial of what you're dealing with.
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Old 18th September 2017, 7:00 AM   #18
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The affair is all on her how you handle this is on you.

Keeping quiet and helping them hide their affair will probably enable it further. You're just like most upfront you are afraid to make her mad and maybe push her farther away. In fact affairs only thrive in secrecy and dark. Exposing it has the best chance of ending it. Don't worry about pushing her away she's already left.

She didn't worry to much about you or your feelings by having her affair did she?

Don't be surprised in the separation if she uses that to say were separated so I'm not cheating. She will use this time to rewrite your marital history and make you the bad guy. Exposure to family, friends his and hers without warning.

They are ahead of you and still in control you'd better wake up!!!!

She wants to go to MC to justify her actions and use them as her ally. MC's if they aren't hood can cause more damage.

Good luck, you are going to need it.
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Old 18th September 2017, 7:10 AM   #19
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I considered the VAR, but backed out as I wasn't sure where to hide it in the car. Any good recs on VARs and hiding spots? I'm still not 100% on this path.

As I said, I do believe the affair is "over" (in that they are currently and have not been involved since I found out), but my wife still admits feelings for OM, and is honest with me about how easy a relapse could be for her. Her honesty in this, ironically, did restore a little trust in me, as she was forthright with the addictive quality of the affair.

OM's mother does work at the same place. Apparently she had pulled OM and WW aside to discuss how inappropriate their relationship was (she believe their relationship was just a flirty, nebulous EA, not a full blown PA) and that they needed to stop. I have been thinking about contacting her to inform her. Would this be a grave mistake? I don't mean in any vindictive fashion, but to simply let her know that I am aware.

This is why exposure must be done. For those
that will disapprove of the affair well tell the AP's
to stop such bad behavior.

You definitely must tell the OM mom and WW parents.

VAR: digital recorder, long battery life, heavy duty
Velcro place VAR under front seat.
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Old 18th September 2017, 7:19 AM   #20
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I considered the VAR, but backed out as I wasn't sure where to hide it in the car. Any good recs on VARs and hiding spots? I'm still not 100% on this path.

As I said, I do believe the affair is "over" (in that they are currently and have not been involved since I found out), but my wife still admits feelings for OM, and is honest with me about how easy a relapse could be for her. Her honesty in this, ironically, did restore a little trust in me, as she was forthright with the addictive quality of the affair.

OM's mother does work at the same place. Apparently she had pulled OM and WW aside to discuss how inappropriate their relationship was (she believe their relationship was just a flirty, nebulous EA, not a full blown PA) and that they needed to stop. I have been thinking about contacting her to inform her. Would this be a grave mistake? I don't mean in any vindictive fashion, but to simply let her know that I am aware.
I was LMAO about places to hide in car ..i was exactly in this situation when I wanted to be sure my re - investment in my marriage will pay off ...

I was embarassed first to do it and then i had no idea where would i place it .but i read so many stories here i had to do it .it took me sometime from deciding to do it to actually doing it ....so At the risk of sounding amateur I hid it in his shoes right under his seat .he had no clue .

Affairs thrive in secrecy ...so do expose .to her family to his family

you asked her to inform her parents don't be surprised if you are the monster in her story they rewrite the whole history .and they are her parents they will believe and support her .

Giving her the power to tell the story ...is like recreating it to suit her agenda no body wants to be the bad guy in their story..

Mc should happen when affair is over ...if you are going to mc to make her see her mistake it won't happen ..wayward spouse do not get an epiphany bevause councellor is telling them its wrong to do it ...it needs to come from her when coerced to do something they close rank ...its them against the world .

May be she stopped ...i highly doubt .

But you don't want to be played a fool for 2nd time do get smart and cover your gaps save all communication between them ...know your rights and move ahead .

If she wants to save the marriage she will fall in line .reconciliation is not an easy feat I am 6 years in it and there are still bad days you do not get the trust back a 100 percent but you build a new marriage ..but it's not possible a reconciliation with you dragging your wife through it .She had the affair she NEEDS to do the heavy lifting.
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Old 18th September 2017, 7:34 AM   #21
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Sounds like OM's mother is potentially on your side in this whole thing. Yes, expose to her so she can keep an even closer eye on her son and your wife. Expose to your own wife's parents, if you have not already.

If you have children, conduct a paternity DNA test with your wife's knowledge (you can buy a kit). The purpose is to illustrate to her the depth and consequences of her depravity.

In terms of hiding a VAR in the car, there are many places to hide it. Under the seat is an option (use Velcro to attach it). The guy I read about who got the clearest signal hid it inside the headrest.

Time for your wife to look for a new job ASAP. One condition of reconciliation should be her quitting her job, as soon as you're financially able.
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Old 18th September 2017, 9:24 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pheonixrisen View Post
I was LMAO about places to hide in car ..i was exactly in this situation when I wanted to be sure my re - investment in my marriage will pay off ...

I was embarassed first to do it and then i had no idea where would i place it .but i read so many stories here i had to do it .it took me sometime from deciding to do it to actually doing it ....so At the risk of sounding amateur I hid it in his shoes right under his seat .he had no clue .

Affairs thrive in secrecy ...so do expose .to her family to his family

you asked her to inform her parents don't be surprised if you are the monster in her story they rewrite the whole history .and they are her parents they will believe and support her .

Giving her the power to tell the story ...is like recreating it to suit her agenda no body wants to be the bad guy in their story..

Mc should happen when affair is over ...if you are going to mc to make her see her mistake it won't happen ..wayward spouse do not get an epiphany bevause councellor is telling them its wrong to do it ...it needs to come from her when coerced to do something they close rank ...its them against the world .

May be she stopped ...i highly doubt .

But you don't want to be played a fool for 2nd time do get smart and cover your gaps save all communication between them ...know your rights and move ahead .

If she wants to save the marriage she will fall in line .reconciliation is not an easy feat I am 6 years in it and there are still bad days you do not get the trust back a 100 percent but you build a new marriage ..but it's not possible a reconciliation with you dragging your wife through it .She had the affair she NEEDS to do the heavy lifting.
This tells you everything. Important warnings especially how they change the story not to look so bad. YOU tell the story! Also, yes, capture those emails, messages, GPS...
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Old 18th September 2017, 10:07 AM   #23
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Thanks folks. The pitiful behavior from me is over. This is the only woman I have ever loved, so it was very hard for me. The pain opened up other recent traumas I have experienced, so it all just came to a head.

When she came home yesterday, I was calm and collected. I told her to stay at her brother's as long as needed and not to come back until she had some way to prove a commitment to this marriage. I also told her she needed to inform her parents. She still wanted to attend MC this week, where I will steer the topic back onto the affair.

Either way, I feel better in control of myself, and feel okay about myself at this point.

I do believe the affair has ended; I have very firm reasons to believe this at this time. What I do worry about is how easy it would be for a relapse with OM still in close proximity. I guess right now in the waiting game.

She has been showing true remorse and regret for weeks now, and has followed through with all the things I needed to reconcile, but it's the job that is the stumbling point at the moment.
Youre making progress but the BEST way for her to show you she is committed to the marriage is to quit that job or offer to. And stop complimenting her for telling you she has feelings for OM. That gives you two choices. Losing sleep over them being together all day and allowing her the luxury of holding on to her feelings. The quickest way to cut that crap out is to file for divorce. You can stop it any time you want to but that makes it REAL for her and will do more to knock her off the fence than anything you can do. Right now, you are in a "holding" pattern while she decides if she wants to reignite the affair if it ever has stopped.

get the VAR. The techies here can tell you what to get and where to install it.
And tell her she is taking a polygraph test when YOU decide with no warning. That will make it clear to her the party is over and her reaction will tell you a lot.She should be slobbering all over herself to do it.

If your MC does not tell her NC with the OM is a priority you need a different therapist.

You have taken one step but you have a lot more work to do.
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Old 18th September 2017, 11:10 AM   #24
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worth a reread

I took the liberty of placing pheonixrisen's points to separate and highlight. This is gold, OP. It's all here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pheonixrisen View Post
you asked her to inform her parents
... don't be surprised if you are the monster in her story
... they rewrite the whole history
... and they are her parents they will believe and support her .
... Giving her the power to tell the story ...is like recreating it to suit her agenda
... no body wants to be the bad guy in their story..

If you are going to mc to make her see her mistake it won't happen
...wayward spouse do not get an epiphany bevause councellor is telling them its wrong to do it
...it needs to come from her
... when coerced to do something they close rank
...its them against the world
... Mc should happen when affair is over

you don't want to be played a fool for 2nd time
... do get smart and cover your gaps
... save all communication between them
... know your rights and move ahead .

reconciliation is not an easy feat
...I am 6 years in it and there are still bad days
...you do not get the trust back a 100 percent
...you build a new marriage ..
but it's not possible a reconciliation with you dragging your wife through it

She had the affair she NEEDS to do the heavy lifting.
...expose to her family
...[expose to] his family
If she wants to save the marriage she will fall in line
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Old 18th September 2017, 12:12 PM   #25
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Drive over to her work and tell her to quit her job or file for D.

And while you are there go stand on OM's desk and piss on him.

Do not hit him, but you can pour beer over his head and tell him to run.

Tell her to not come home and go live with the OM.

and tell him she tested positive for stds.
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Old 18th September 2017, 12:25 PM   #26
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Thanks folks. The pitiful behavior from me is over. This is the only woman I have ever loved, so it was very hard for me. The pain opened up other recent traumas I have experienced, so it all just came to a head.

When she came home yesterday, I was calm and collected. I told her to stay at her brother's as long as needed and not to come back until she had some way to prove a commitment to this marriage. I also told her she needed to inform her parents. She still wanted to attend MC this week, where I will steer the topic back onto the affair.

Either way, I feel better in control of myself, and feel okay about myself at this point.

I do believe the affair has ended; I have very firm reasons to believe this at this time. What I do worry about is how easy it would be for a relapse with OM still in close proximity. I guess right now in the waiting game.

She has been showing true remorse and regret for weeks now, and has followed through with all the things I needed to reconcile, but it's the job that is the stumbling point at the moment.
The physical part of the A might be over but the emotional part isn't. Every time they look at one another or talk it feeds feelings. That's why her quitting is so important and going total NC.

Don't beat yourself up about your tears and the pain you're feeling. Cry when you need to - Just don't do it around her. Last thing you want is to show any emotion to her. Act cool as cucumber and distant/detached. This gives YOU power over her too!
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Old 18th September 2017, 12:27 PM   #27
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I considered the VAR, but backed out as I wasn't sure where to hide it in the car. Any good recs on VARs and hiding spots? I'm still not 100% on this path.

As I said, I do believe the affair is "over" (in that they are currently and have not been involved since I found out), but my wife still admits feelings for OM, and is honest with me about how easy a relapse could be for her. Her honesty in this, ironically, did restore a little trust in me, as she was forthright with the addictive quality of the affair.

OM's mother does work at the same place. Apparently she had pulled OM and WW aside to discuss how inappropriate their relationship was (she believe their relationship was just a flirty, nebulous EA, not a full blown PA) and that they needed to stop. I have been thinking about contacting her to inform her. Would this be a grave mistake? I don't mean in any vindictive fashion, but to simply let her know that I am aware.
Not at all! Do it! Expose the affair.


Bolded: Again all the more reason why your wife has to quit this job. Or ask for a transfer if possible so she won't be the same location as the exOM.

Is the OM single or is he married too?
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Old 18th September 2017, 12:49 PM   #28
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I considered the VAR, but backed out as I wasn't sure where to hide it in the car. Any good recs on VARs and hiding spots? I'm still not 100% on this path.
"Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also

Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback."

weightlifter
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Old 18th September 2017, 6:14 PM   #29
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Will confronting the OM mother not make her think she is controlling my actions? What will it achieve? Will in not ruin reconciliation?
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Old 18th September 2017, 6:19 PM   #30
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Will confronting the OM mother not make her think she is controlling my actions? What will it achieve? Will in not ruin reconciliation?
Exposure is your best chance to stop this. You are not in reconciliation.

She moved out rather than try and work this out. You're still in denial of what you're dealing with.

Trying to wait it out or nice her back won't work.

You are letting your fear control you like most at this point.

What do you really have to lose? Something you though you had but dudnt.

You are playing her game by her rules. Try going your own way.
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