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Exhausted by wife's PA


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Old 17th September 2017, 2:47 PM   #1
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Exhausted by wife's PA

Well, I'm sure my story is similar to many...

Four weeks ago, I confronted my wife of 3 years (10 previous years of dating) about her previous behavior over the past several months; namely heavy drinking, avoidance, and a general decline in our already strained marriage (my father was violently killed a few years back, I've been coping with that, but I was always aloof and closed off, plus we worked opposing shifts and seldom saw each other since day one of the marriage).

She claimed she had "fallen out of love with me" and that we were very different now. The ILBNILWY phrase immediately struck me as reeking of EA. She had been very private with her phone and spent a lot of time in separate rooms. She told me she thought leaving would be the way forward. I cried, told her I haven't been myself and that I would enroll in counseling and try harder. She was shocked that I wept and offered to change, figuring I was sick and miserable just wanted out; she agreed to try and I attended my first IC session.

The next week, we embarked on a prior planned beach trip. There I discovered proof of PA with a coworker dating back to March. Needless to say, I was shocked, confronted her and was told she had only slept with him 2 or 3 times. As the week went on, it came out to be about a dozen times. I told her I could forgive her and that if she wanted to move forward, she would have to tell him it was over while I watched. She did so via text, to which he responded in a non-committal fashion. We spent the rest of the week at the beach, going through the roller coaster of emotions, having occasional sexual relations. She agreed to attend MC.

We attend MC and she has been having PA because I have showed little interest in her and she thought it might end an agonizing marriage. I tell her later that I need her phone pin to check on her, as her word is now meaningless. She obliges and we move forward, after I read all of the texts, which are filled with desperation and are generally pathetic. We are having good days and days where my insecurity and doubt get to me and I vomit desperation via text, email, phone conversations, etc. She tells me she has had more contact, namely to tell OM that I know where he lives and his phone, etc. I asked what she planned to achieve by this, and she states to avoid a work confrontation. (OM is a weak scavenger type, I'm a big alpha type, I never gave any indication that I intended to go after him).

We attend MC again and C tells me that calling her and texting her my insecurity are roadblocks on the way to recovery, and I agree, as such behavior isn't typical of me. It then comes out that she has further contact with OM in the form of a conversation so as to have cordial work contact since they do work together occasionally. Did I mention that some of the encounters took place at her work?

A few days later (yesterday), I ask her since she is in contact, and must work with OM, how can I believe anything? She states that she doesn't know (a common phrase she utters anytime I try to have a serious conversation about any of this disaster). She tells me that leaving may be the best way forward, since none of her answers can satisfy me and the she still feels for him, even if she realizes it is very superficial. I have a bit of a meltdown, she does similar, mostly just "this hurts" gibberish from both of us, and we go to bed.

This morning, she gets up to go to work and I ask if I should be home when she gets off, as she is picking up her dogs and some clothes to go stay with her brother. She says yes, and that she isn't leaving, but that she needs space from my constant obsessive behavior. I ask if I should cancel our MC this weeks and she says no, that she will be back, but that all of this overwhelming right now.

She is due back home in a half hour now.

I'm tired of this rollercoaster and need some serious advice. I want her to have space. I can't trust her, but I love her and want us to work. I believe she does too, but she is a weak person, and I believe that this hardship, her guilt, and her still having feelings for OM are getting the better of her, not to mention her now strong alcohol dependence, which she has been weening away.
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Old 17th September 2017, 3:24 PM   #2
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I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. It's likely that she's still fully engaged in the PA, meeting him at work just like she used to. Your "obsessive" behavior (i.e. the legitimate need for your wife to prove she's trustworthy again) is getting in the way of her sexcapades.

A common mistake that betrayed husbands make after discovery of an affair is to apologize and grovel to their loose wife and make all kinds of promises to be a better husband. Somehow this achieves the opposite of the intended effect: the wife instead loses all respect for her husband and any romantic feelings she might have for him disappear along with that. She sees him as needy and dependent--not the strong independent qualities that she admires in a man.

Your best best is to set her free. Let her understand what life is like without you to fall back on. Let her see you functioning independently without her, full of confidence with a new lease on life. Go out without telling her where you're going. Start working out at the gym. Take up some hobbies and don't involve her. Tell her that she's free to sleep with any man she likes, just not as your wife.

Go see an attorney and have him draw up divorce papers. Serve her those papers to get the ball rolling. Even if you don't want to divorce, this is the best way to bring reality home to her. You can stop the divorce process at any time if she shows adequate remorse.

If her affair partner is married or has a girlfriend, inform that person immediately and provide any concrete evidence you have.

Maybe you were at fault, maybe you were a bad husband. But understand this: You are NOT at fault for her affair. The way to deal with a bad husband is to openly communicate his shortcomings and look for therapy to overcome issues. If that yields nothing, then divorce is an appropriate option. It is NOT appropriate to lie to your husband, sleep around behind his back, deceptively keeping him around so that you can live off his salary while sharing your most intimate moments with other men.

You might want to purchase two VARs (voice-activated recorders). One you will put in the car that she drives to work. This will record the intimate conversations they're still having and their plans to meet up for sex. The other VAR will stay on your person so that you can record your interactions with her. This will help you defend yourself in the event of a false domestic claim she might advance against you.

Think your wife is not capable of that? You also thought she wasn't capable of cheating on you. This forum is full of stories where a husband was falsely accused of domestic violence and ended up rotting in jail while his wife moved her lover into the family home. Don't be that guy.

Good luck to you, and stay with us. The way out of this is through a position of strength, not weakness. YOU are the driver of reconciliation, not her. YOU are the one with a list of demands she must meet. Not vice versa.
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Old 17th September 2017, 3:29 PM   #3
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Your wife is a hot mess and blaming you. SHE created this jealous monster inside of you, SHE lost your trust and really hasn't done much from what I've read to prove to you she can be trustworthy again. Did she ever offer to quit her job or ask for a transfer so she wouldn't have to work with the exOM?

Do you two have children in this situation? If no, really consider filing for divorce. You don't have to actually follow through on it but she needs to know that you will not put up with her shi.tty behavior anymore. She still has feelings for him, sees him at work and speaks to him as well. Not sure how you can even start to rebuild trust in her since some physical stuff happened at their workplace.

She needs to quit her job and find another one.
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Old 17th September 2017, 3:58 PM   #4
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My friend, unfortunately you are playing what is called the "pick me" game, and if you're tired now, you are going to be exhausted shortly. The first rules of R are
NO CONTACT with OM< and if that means she leaves the job that is what occurs. You are sitting there watching her go spend 8-10 hours a day with her boyfriend and then wondering why she is continuing to lie to you and breaking NC
The next non negotiable is TOTAL TRANSPARENCY . In your case her giving you this is meaningless because she can commmunicate with him sat work but her willingness to do it without hesitation is key
And now after you tell us that either she cannot or won't leave the job, you can forget MC and your next move needs to be a polygraph, and the first question is
HAS SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM SINCE D DAY,

You are being played like a fiddle, and unless you are willing to lose your marriage you are not going to save it. You need to see an attorney and let her know there are some consequences that she may not like headed her way.

Your alternative is to stay in the open marriage she has enrolled you in.
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Old 17th September 2017, 4:47 PM   #5
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Agree with previous posters. Status quo is going nowhere. You'll regret the groveling more than anything. There's no saving it or her unless you take unambiguous, final actions. Sometimes that startles them into realizing what they're about to lose. Depends on where she is on the limerence spectrum.

We all have made mistakes at the point you're in post D-day, and marriage counseling too soon is definitely one of them. From what I have seen and experienced it just serves to accelerate a half-hearted, highly imperfect truce. At worst, it falls apart anyway.

Just know that things WILL be better in a few years no matter what. It doesn't get worse than this moment (though the converse sounds better), but this stalemate could drag on if you let it. Certainly her vacillation won't be the deciding factor. I suggest you let her go and focus on yourself. Trade MC for IC. So sorry; I know it's painful.
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Old 17th September 2017, 4:51 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beneath View Post
Well, I'm sure my story is similar to many...

Four weeks ago, I confronted my wife of 3 years (10 previous years of dating) about her previous behavior over the past several months; namely heavy drinking, avoidance, and a general decline in our already strained marriage (my father was violently killed a few years back, I've been coping with that, but I was always aloof and closed off, plus we worked opposing shifts and seldom saw each other since day one of the marriage).

She claimed she had "fallen out of love with me" and that we were very different now. The ILBNILWY phrase immediately struck me as reeking of EA. She had been very private with her phone and spent a lot of time in separate rooms. She told me she thought leaving would be the way forward. I cried, told her I haven't been myself and that I would enroll in counseling and try harder. She was shocked that I wept and offered to change, figuring I was sick and miserable just wanted out; she agreed to try and I attended my first IC session.

Playing the "pick me dance" while she cheats away just gives her total control.

The next week, we embarked on a prior planned beach trip. There I discovered proof of PA with a coworker dating back to March. Needless to say, I was shocked, confronted her and was told she had only slept with him 2 or 3 times. As the week went on, it came out to be about a dozen times. I told her I could forgive her and that if she wanted to move forward, she would have to tell him it was over while I watched. She did so via text, to which he responded in a non-committal fashion. We spent the rest of the week at the beach, going through the roller coaster of emotions, having occasional sexual relations. She agreed to attend MC.

Cheaters as you've seen lie a lot. Jumping into MC when it still is probably an active affair is a waste of time and money. She's the one who should be going to IC

We attend MC and she has been having PA because I have showed little interest in her and she thought it might end an agonizing marriage. I tell her later that I need her phone pin to check on her, as her word is now meaningless. She obliges and we move forward, after I read all of the texts, which are filled with desperation and are generally pathetic. We are having good days and days where my insecurity and doubt get to me and I vomit desperation via text, email, phone conversations, etc. She tells me she has had more contact, namely to tell OM that I know where he lives and his phone, etc. I asked what she planned to achieve by this, and she states to avoid a work confrontation. (OM is a weak scavenger type, I'm a big alpha type, I never gave any indication that I intended to go after him).

Affairs are addictive and if they work together or have contact it'll continue. Always

We attend MC again and C tells me that calling her and texting her my insecurity are roadblocks on the way to recovery, and I agree, as such behavior isn't typical of me. It then comes out that she has further contact with OM in the form of a conversation so as to have cordial work contact since they do work together occasionally. Did I mention that some of the encounters took place at her work?

Some MC's are worse that worthless and will often try and rugs weep.

A few days later (yesterday), I ask her since she is in contact, and must work with OM, how can I believe anything? She states that she doesn't know (a common phrase she utters anytime I try to have a serious conversation about any of this disaster). She tells me that leaving may be the best way forward, since none of her answers can satisfy me and the she still feels for him, even if she realizes it is very superficial. I have a bit of a meltdown, she does similar, mostly just "this hurts" gibberish from both of us, and we go to bed.

You didn't cause her to have an affair. Common mistake most betrayed make

This morning, she gets up to go to work and I ask if I should be home when she gets off, as she is picking up her dogs and some clothes to go stay with her brother. She says yes, and that she isn't leaving, but that she needs space from my constant obsessive behavior. I ask if I should cancel our MC this weeks and she says no, that she will be back, but that all of this overwhelming right now.

Poor muffin cheats and now doesn't like being monitored probably because she's still cheating.

She is due back home in a half hour now.

I'm tired of this rollercoaster and need some serious advice. I want her to have space. I can't trust her, but I love her and want us to work. I believe she does too, but she is a weak person, and I believe that this hardship, her guilt, and her still having feelings for OM are getting the better of her, not to mention her now strong alcohol dependence, which she has been weening away.
You'll wallow in this as long as you continue to put up with her behavior. You or your actions are telling her she is worth more than you and you'll do anything and put up with her. This will get you zero respect and more of her same actions.

Until you can stand up for yourself and tell her him or me and mean it you will have the other man in your life. She got you exactly where she wants you and will continue to cake set.

The affair doesn't just stop because you found out. If you really want to end the affair full exposure to family and friends (without warning) both his and hers may stop it. Only then can the marriage be worked on.

What you've been doing hasn't worked and won't. You are acting weak and pathetic allowing this to continue.

Better wake up
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Old 17th September 2017, 6:02 PM   #7
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You are still being played .

She has an affair ..tells you it's your fault and you are grovelling to save the marriage.

She admitted to calling the om .they are discussing how to take the affair underground .

Her going to the brother house because this is too much for her too handle ...is her going to brother house because she feels she cannot continue her affair with you watching her every move .the affair continues .

Tell her to pack all her bags and stay with brother indefinitely file for divorce if you need to get her in line ...you don't need to go through it but she needs to understand if she wants to remain married she cannot have an affair .

And please remember this

YOU cannot stop the affair .
YOU cannot control her action

She needs to come to that realization.

You can only control your own reaction and what you do today influences how this situation turns out .

6 years ago on my Dday...i told my h there is the door ..tell your ow I said hi and to make space for your stuff tonight ...he stayed put and we are 6 years in reconciliation .no where did I ask him to pick me .if I did that I would be looking at a 6 year rinse and repeat cycle ...

You cannot reconcile a marriage with a unrepentant /unremorseful spouse see the situation for what it is and get smart .

Sorry that you have been through so much but don't make the next few months of your life a miserable cycle.
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Old 17th September 2017, 6:11 PM   #8
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MC's are a waste when there is still contact between
the WW and the OM.

Your WW must leave this job. Her staying there
only allows WW to have continued contact with
the OM.

This continuing contact is what keeps your WW
from getting over her feelings for her OM.
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Old 17th September 2017, 8:40 PM   #9
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Stating that your an Alpha the crying , begging listing all your faults in front of her and playing the pick me dance is not Alpha. Serving your WW with D papers after finding out she's banging a cow and shows no remorse is alpha.
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Old 17th September 2017, 8:53 PM   #10
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Quote:
She tells me that leaving may be the best way forward
I'm tired of this rollercoaster and need some serious advice
I'm a big alpha type
It is time for you to show your “big alpha type”
NO MORE meltdowns in front of her

She wants you to leave as you are no longer number one or number two in her life.
You dictate what you want; DO NOT let her make any of your decisions.

Reconciliation:
DEMAND no contact, full access to all her communications, she is to transfer or quit job, counselling, her actions and attitude should reflect true remorse and commitment, etc.
Stop compromising in your pick me actions.

Divorce:
Quick strong decisive actions such as separation, lawyer, divorce, no contact except through attorney.

Get all the help that you can so that you can get stronger…You have to realize that you have to build yourself back up to save yourself before you can successfully complete an R of a D… Your wife cannot or is too weak to build you back up so do not look to her for you to get better at this time.

Your choice at this time is for you to focus on you building yourself up or your wife and marriage; you cannot do both at this time. Choose to focus on yourself so that you do not become a complete door mat!
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Old 17th September 2017, 8:54 PM   #11
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OK Beneath, there you have it. A bunch of strangers who do not know each other from Adam have basically told you the same thing in identical words.

You mentioned your story is typical. Yup, it is. Typical of guys who continue to eat a crap sandwich because they are paralyzed with fear. The minute she knows you are going nowhere regardless of what she says or does, you are certain to lose this contest.

So now the ball is in your court. You have to choices
(1) continue to let her have fun
(2) put a stop to it, and YES it may end your marriage.

There is absolutely no incentive for her to change anything she is doing right now because there are absolutely no consequences other than you pouting, crying, and/or yelling a little.
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Old 17th September 2017, 8:57 PM   #12
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If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you?

You need to get tested for STD's.

She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever.
If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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Old 18th September 2017, 5:54 AM   #13
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Thanks folks. The pitiful behavior from me is over. This is the only woman I have ever loved, so it was very hard for me. The pain opened up other recent traumas I have experienced, so it all just came to a head.

When she came home yesterday, I was calm and collected. I told her to stay at her brother's as long as needed and not to come back until she had some way to prove a commitment to this marriage. I also told her she needed to inform her parents. She still wanted to attend MC this week, where I will steer the topic back onto the affair.

Either way, I feel better in control of myself, and feel okay about myself at this point.

I do believe the affair has ended; I have very firm reasons to believe this at this time. What I do worry about is how easy it would be for a relapse with OM still in close proximity. I guess right now in the waiting game.

She has been showing true remorse and regret for weeks now, and has followed through with all the things I needed to reconcile, but it's the job that is the stumbling point at the moment.

Last edited by beneath; 18th September 2017 at 5:57 AM..
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Old 18th September 2017, 6:56 AM   #14
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Thanks folks. The pitiful behavior from me is over. This is the only woman I have ever loved, so it was very hard for me. The pain opened up other recent traumas I have experienced, so it all just came to a head.

When she came home yesterday, I was calm and collected. I told her to stay at her brother's as long as needed and not to come back until she had some way to prove a commitment to this marriage. I also told her she needed to inform her parents. She still wanted to attend MC this week, where I will steer the topic back onto the affair.

Either way, I feel better in control of myself, and feel okay about myself at this point.

I do believe the affair has ended; I have very firm reasons to believe this at this time. What I do worry about is how easy it would be for a relapse with OM still in close proximity. I guess right now in the waiting game.

She has been showing true remorse and regret for weeks now, and has followed through with all the things I needed to reconcile, but it's the job that is the stumbling point at the moment.
That's good news you put your foot down.and took control back .

If you are still in reconciliation way

Do invest in a VAR ...you only need to read stories here to see most ws make you believe they are in reconciliation and they are doing all things correct for a reconciliation to happen only to discover the ws took the affair way underground .

Look for phone bills /2nd phone hidden in car /emails they use .the level om/ow will help and encourage the ws to hide the affair is crazy and really disgraceful to both involved


Also feeling guilty and feeling remorse are separate thing .if she was remorseful she would not have contacted the om without your knowledge and agreement .

Please do find the 180 rule to help you cope emotionally .it's on here in this section .

Last edited by pheonixrisen; 18th September 2017 at 6:59 AM..
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Old 18th September 2017, 7:12 AM   #15
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That's good news you put your foot down.and took control back .

If you are still in reconciliation way

Do invest in a VAR ...you only need to read stories here to see most ws make you believe they are in reconciliation and they are doing all things correct for a reconciliation to happen only to discover the ws took the affair way underground .

Look for phone bills /2nd phone hidden in car /emails they use .the level om/ow will help and encourage the ws to hide the affair is crazy and really disgraceful to both involved


Also feeling guilty and feeling remorse are separate thing .if she was remorseful she would not have contacted the om without your knowledge and agreement .

Please do find the 180 rule to help you cope emotionally .it's on here in this section .
I considered the VAR, but backed out as I wasn't sure where to hide it in the car. Any good recs on VARs and hiding spots? I'm still not 100% on this path.

As I said, I do believe the affair is "over" (in that they are currently and have not been involved since I found out), but my wife still admits feelings for OM, and is honest with me about how easy a relapse could be for her. Her honesty in this, ironically, did restore a little trust in me, as she was forthright with the addictive quality of the affair.

OM's mother does work at the same place. Apparently she had pulled OM and WW aside to discuss how inappropriate their relationship was (she believe their relationship was just a flirty, nebulous EA, not a full blown PA) and that they needed to stop. I have been thinking about contacting her to inform her. Would this be a grave mistake? I don't mean in any vindictive fashion, but to simply let her know that I am aware.
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