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how did you find out about the affair?


wmacbride

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How did you find out your spouse was having an affair?

 

I found out because I saw a few things that I thought were a bit wonky, and asked him about it. I never expected the answer I got...that he had been cheating. I thought it would be something far less serious.

 

It was really strange, almost as if he had been bursting to say something and was really glad to have gotten the words out.

 

How did you find out, and do you feel that it affected your decision to reconcile/ not reconcile? For me it did, as if I had found out on my own, I couldn't have ever trusted him again.

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40somethingGuy
How did you find out your spouse was having an affair?

 

I found out because I saw a few things that I thought were a bit wonky, and asked him about it. I never expected the answer I got...that he had been cheating. I thought it would be something far less serious.

 

It was really strange, almost as if he had been bursting to say something and was really glad to have gotten the words out.

 

How did you find out, and do you feel that it affected your decision to reconcile/ not reconcile? For me it did, as if I had found out on my own, I couldn't have ever trusted him again.

 

She was just really different and all of a sudden uber sexual. She bought a viberator which was odd. The real giveaway was the death grip on her phone. I saw her open up her phone and remembered the password. One night she left it out and I pounced. I suspected an affair and even told her that 3 weeks prior and I was called 'insecure' and 'paranoid.' She began to talk with 2 guys- a good looking realtor and a really hairy ugly guy. Turns out she was just friends with the realtor (nothing at all there) but was in a full blown EA with the ugly hairy beast. I never would have ever suspected the hairy guy since he just typically isn't what she would find attractive. I was there when they met at our kids cub scout meeting. Turns out they were not just 'friends from back in the day' rather former FWBs from 1999-2001. I will never forget how she was real puffy chested saying 'if you have something to say to me then say it.' I said (after I called her a fraud), 'do you really want me to tell you that I know you are cheating on me with HAIRY (I said his name)?' She fell to the ground bawling and that was that. Still not fully recovered and that was April 2016. I met with him and put the fear of God into him. He fed me details to the point where she saw that he was turning on her big time. They've been NC since.

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Both of us always used each other's phones.

 

He returned from a business trip and I noticed some extra correspondence from someone new....

 

I asked him who she was, and he said "a business contact" - seemed obviously fishy to me, but I didn't dig more....

 

Until his phone lit up one morning shortly thereafter with a titty picture from the "business contact". Getting no the truth was like pulling teeth, but eventually came out.

 

How was I discovered? He had reason to have suspicion, went through my stuff and found evidence (condoms and a business card) - when confronted I spilled the beans.

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I found a picture of a scantily dressed woman on his phone. I confronted him, he denied. It was the tip of the iceberg.

 

I secretly put an app on his phone afterwards that downloaded all texts and emails to my Gmail account.

 

One of his more recent AP's sent him a text to come over. I saved the message and confronted him when I got home.

 

He denied again. I asked to look at his phone and surprise surprise he had deleted the text.

 

I said "well its a good thing I kept her number. How about you call her and put it on speaker phone".

 

Well he did and she busted him. It was ugly. While on the speaker phone he pretended not to know her.

 

Him: "Who is this??"

Her: "what, you don't remember me giving you head"

 

I can't imagine the panic he must've felt during that phone call.

 

He admitted to some but my gut told me there was more.

 

So after a year of trying to forgive half truths I booked an appointment for a lie detector test. Told him to take it if he ever expects me to forgive.

 

That's when it all came out. I finally feel like I have all the truth. Or at least all I want. Whatever is left I don't want to know about. He's a completely changed man at this point and I refuse to live in the past.

 

It seems like a lifetime ago sometimes, and just yesterday too.

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I had zero clue until Dday.

 

I wanted to look up some old school friends I was thinking about looking them up but never got around to it.

 

We always knew each other passwords but we are not too much into social media ..it was 7 months gap before I logged in to his fb account .he had changed his password I thought may be he forgot to tell me .

 

I logged into his email changed the password thinking I would let him know later .

Nothing on his fb account .but weirdly enough mutual friends were unfriended .family members unfriended .but I did not give it much attention .

 

I was about to log off when a name on the friend list caught my attention .I heard her name when I was discussing some business details .I asked who it was he then said she is fiance of a friend who was helping him in a business deal.

 

So curiously I clicked on her name .

And then my world came crashing down on her time line was a picture of my h and her sitting side by side with caption in a relationship since nov 2010 ...it was April 2012 when I was looking at it .(18 month 17 days to the day )

 

 

I was shaking I picked up the phone called him

He answered .I said I want a divorce .he said he was coming home it's not what it looks like ..i hung up .

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We had just returned from a long holiday. He was being irritable an snappy with me on his return to work and then, two days later, on our wedding anniversary, which isn't like him. and I got cross and asked what was wrong - not very kindly I must admit - I asked him if he wanted to call it a day as he'd been so weird.

 

. First he said he had been thinking of divorce And wasn't happy. I knew the marriage was a comfortable place to be and that he wouldn't leave it without someone in the wings and told him that. He denied but after 30 years, I think we pretty much know our partners, so I persisted.

 

So he told me. It had stopped before the holiday ( it was a very inappropriate relationship) and on his return to work, where he saw her again withdrawal and absolute obsession kicked in.

 

And then a visual procession of the behavioural clues I had subliminally noticed but dismissed came flashing through my mind - including fleeting scenarios/ facial expressions etc I hadn't consciously noticed at the time but must have filed under 'odd'.

 

The whole experience was surreal for both of us.

 

It might have felt better had he confessed freely, but I don't think it made any difference to my attitude to reconciliation. I had decided he had lost his mind anyway and the affair was so inappropriate it couldn't have survived in real life, His behaviour was altogether so crazy, I thought he had a brain tumour.

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He was pushing her to leave me for him, so one time when she was at his house (supposed to be hanging with a female friend that night), he had her start changing her email address on all of her accounts (credit cards, phone, etc) to his email address. She never wanted her own email address, so she used mine. All of a sudden I get so these notifications that the email address on file for these accounts has changed to his email address, which was simply his [email protected]. I knew him. He worked with her. I know where he lived (from a work party that was there), so I drove over, staked out his house until I saw them drive up from a trip to the grocery store. They walked in holding hands. I went home and packed every bit of her belongings into a bunch of 30-gallon lawn trash bags. At around 2am, I made 4 back and forth trips over there and put them all on his porch in front of his front door. When they came out the next morning, he fell into them.

 

She called me. I told her that that was her house. She never came back, and didn't even try to get the girls.

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We had just returned from a long holiday. He was being irritable an snappy with me on his return to work and then, two days later, on our wedding anniversary, which isn't like him. and I got cross and asked what was wrong - not very kindly I must admit - I asked him if he wanted to call it a day as he'd been so weird.

 

. First he said he had been thinking of divorce And wasn't happy. I knew the marriage was a comfortable place to be and that he wouldn't leave it without someone in the wings and told him that. He denied but after 30 years, I think we pretty much know our partners, so I persisted.

 

So he told me. It had stopped before the holiday ( it was a very inappropriate relationship) and on his return to work, where he saw her again withdrawal and absolute obsession kicked in.

 

And then a visual procession of the behavioural clues I had subliminally noticed but dismissed came flashing through my mind - including fleeting scenarios/ facial expressions etc I hadn't consciously noticed at the time but must have filed under 'odd'.

 

The whole experience was surreal for both of us.

 

It might have felt better had he confessed freely, but I don't think it made any difference to my attitude to reconciliation. I had decided he had lost his mind anyway and the affair was so inappropriate it couldn't have survived in real life, His behaviour was altogether so crazy, I thought he had a brain tumour.

 

this type of thing gets said a lot on here. it seems really common.

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He was pushing her to leave me for him, so one time when she was at his house (supposed to be hanging with a female friend that night), he had her start changing her email address on all of her accounts (credit cards, phone, etc) to his email address. She never wanted her own email address, so she used mine. All of a sudden I get so these notifications that the email address on file for these accounts has changed to his email address, which was simply his [email protected]. I knew him. He worked with her. I know where he lived (from a work party that was there), so I drove over, staked out his house until I saw them drive up from a trip to the grocery store. They walked in holding hands. I went home and packed every bit of her belongings into a bunch of 30-gallon lawn trash bags. At around 2am, I made 4 back and forth trips over there and put them all on his porch in front of his front door. When they came out the next morning, he fell into them.

 

She called me. I told her that that was her house. She never came back, and didn't even try to get the girls.

 

that is awful. it's bad enough she did that to you, but to her own children?

 

that is her loss. it sounds like you are there for them, and with a dad like you in the picture, I expect they'll turn out great and "launch" into the world just fine.

 

the dichotomy you talk about goes along with the comment I made above about how there are many examples of the weird kind of way some ws act.

 

My personal favorites:

- I love you,but I am not in love with you ( that's so popular it should be a meme...it probably is)

- you are suddenly too controlling/boring/into your work/ never around/always around/ don't understand me or what have you. these lines are really common. One day, you are such great person, the next you are awful, then after that? you are great again. What the hell is that anyway?

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He was pushing her to leave me for him, so one time when she was at his house (supposed to be hanging with a female friend that night), he had her start changing her email address on all of her accounts (credit cards, phone, etc) to his email address. She never wanted her own email address, so she used mine. All of a sudden I get so these notifications that the email address on file for these accounts has changed to his email address, which was simply his [email protected]. I knew him. He worked with her. I know where he lived (from a work party that was there), so I drove over, staked out his house until I saw them drive up from a trip to the grocery store. They walked in holding hands. I went home and packed every bit of her belongings into a bunch of 30-gallon lawn trash bags. At around 2am, I made 4 back and forth trips over there and put them all on his porch in front of his front door. When they came out the next morning, he fell into them.

 

She called me. I told her that that was her house. She never came back, and didn't even try to get the girls.

 

The like button does not give this post the

credit it deserves.

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that is awful. it's bad enough she did that to you, but to her own children?

 

that is her loss. it sounds like you are there for them, and with a dad like you in the picture, I expect they'll turn out great and "launch" into the world just fine.

 

the dichotomy you talk about goes along with the comment I made above about how there are many examples of the weird kind of way some ws act.

 

My personal favorites:

- I love you,but I am not in love with you ( that's so popular it should be a meme...it probably is)

- you are suddenly too controlling/boring/into your work/ never around/always around/ don't understand me or what have you. these lines are really common. One day, you are such great person, the next you are awful, then after that? you are great again. What the hell is that anyway?

 

Yes the good old I love you but I'm not in love with you.

No way can a BH's mind find any use for that statement.

Pulling him in two different directions simultaneously.

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that is awful. it's bad enough she did that to you, but to her own children?

 

that is her loss. it sounds like you are there for them, and with a dad like you in the picture, I expect they'll turn out great and "launch" into the world just fine.

 

the dichotomy you talk about goes along with the comment I made above about how there are many examples of the weird kind of way some ws act.

 

My personal favorites:

- I love you,but I am not in love with you ( that's so popular it should be a meme...it probably is)

- you are suddenly too controlling/boring/into your work/ never around/always around/ don't understand me or what have you. these lines are really common. One day, you are such great person, the next you are awful, then after that? you are great again. What the hell is that anyway?

 

This was quite a while back. They were 8 & 11 when she

left (she had left a couple times before, but this was the final time). They were so ready to be rid of her. They became kids again, immediately after she left. They were so happy. They're both grown now and have both given me grandkids.

 

As far as how she acted during the A, she was never nice to any of us. She was the devil the entire time.

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This was quite a while back. They were 8 & 11 when she

left (she had left a couple times before, but this was the final time). They were so ready to be rid of her. They became kids again, immediately after she left. They were so happy. They're both grown now and have both given me grandkids.

 

As far as how she acted during the A, she was never nice to any of us. She was the devil the entire time.

 

Your girls are great. As I remember they were the ones pushing you to bag her stuff up.

 

Gotta love em!!!!!

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somuchfortheone
He was pushing her to leave me for him, so one time when she was at his house (supposed to be hanging with a female friend that night), he had her start changing her email address on all of her accounts (credit cards, phone, etc) to his email address. She never wanted her own email address, so she used mine. All of a sudden I get so these notifications that the email address on file for these accounts has changed to his email address, which was simply his [email protected]. I knew him. He worked with her. I know where he lived (from a work party that was there), so I drove over, staked out his house until I saw them drive up from a trip to the grocery store. They walked in holding hands. I went home and packed every bit of her belongings into a bunch of 30-gallon lawn trash bags. At around 2am, I made 4 back and forth trips over there and put them all on his porch in front of his front door. When they came out the next morning, he fell into them.

 

She called me. I told her that that was her house. She never came back, and didn't even try to get the girls.

 

 

Are they still together??

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Are they still together??

 

Yeah....pretty much just bc she had nowhere else to go. I kicked her out in summer 2004. She wanted to come home many times. Wasn't gonna happen. They used to have a very volatile relationship....he even pulled a gun out a couple times threatening to kill himself if she left. They've calmed down since. She is still a horrible mom. He wants to be my buddy.

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somuchfortheone
Yeah....pretty much just bc she had nowhere else to go. I kicked her out in summer 2004. She wanted to come home many times. Wasn't gonna happen. They used to have a very volatile relationship....he even pulled a gun out a couple times threatening to kill himself if she left. They've calmed down since. She is still a horrible mom. He wants to be my buddy.

 

 

I'm sure you had to have gotten satisfaction from her wanting to come home. I know I would have. I wonder if they are faithful to each other. Do you think he follows you around and wants to be your friend because of guilt?

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I'm sure you had to have gotten satisfaction from her wanting to come home. I know I would have. I wonder if they are faithful to each other. Do you think he follows you around and wants to be your friend because of guilt?

 

I've had ppl suggest that now he knows the crazy for what it really is, and he thinks that gives us a connection.

 

But who knows....I'm never all that nice to him it was crazy, he went from wanting to fight me (which resulted in him getting a broken arm and arrested) to wanting to be friends. There was like 3 years in between where we never saw each other.

 

He's a tool.

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somuchfortheone
I've had ppl suggest that now he knows the crazy for what it really is, and he thinks that gives us a connection.

 

But who knows....I'm never all that nice to him it was crazy, he went from wanting to fight me (which resulted in him getting a broken arm and arrested) to wanting to be friends. There was like 3 years in between where we never saw each other.

 

He's a tool.

 

Lol - looks like the grass isn't greener after all

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How I found out was long and too complicated to write out in one post, plus it's already here so n bits and pieces. Super short version. Comments by my toddler son on time he was at the babysitter while I traveled. Odd phone calls from her, weird comments. All lead to me confronting her without any evidence. During an argument I said, "so, what are you going to do, find someone else?" She responded with "maybe I already tried that" but quickly recanted the statement as "trying to make me angry"

 

After that comment I had a surreal moment like on a movie were all the odd comments and actions played in my mind in fast forward.

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He kept dropping hints but because I was delightfully naive (or trusting) I didn't take them.

 

He was always talking about the teaching assistants in his class - all young women and mostly single - I even jokingly called them 'his harem'. I didn't object when he went out with them all. Such a fool! Cool wife eh? :rolleyes:

 

I didn't really take notice until he started being a bit of **** to all of us - including the children - no patience with them, no time for them. And when he started to tell me about the 'absurd rumours' going around school about him and OW. I was outraged on his behalf and feeling a bit humiliated myself....until I started to think and put two and two together. That weekend I checked his texts and it call came tumbling down. Took about 48 hours of minimising and blame-shifting before he told me the lot. Hardest 48 hours of my life. Thank god for my good friend :love: who held my hand through it all and convinced H I needed to hear the lot - good and bad.

 

If he had been more savvy and cleared his texts as OW had told him to, and if he hadn't subconsciously wanted to clear his conscience by giving me these hints, I am not sure if I'd have found out.

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"And then a visual procession of the behavioural clues I had subliminally noticed but dismissed came flashing through my mind - including fleeting scenarios/ facial expressions etc I hadn't consciously noticed at the time but must have filed under 'odd'."

 

Yep Cymbeline. None of it was 'odd' once I knew the facts

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