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how did you find out about the affair?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 20th September 2017, 3:00 PM   #31
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I had no idea (even though when I read back on my old posts from 5 years ago, there was probably evidence there).

Couple of years ago, I noticed the phone bill was going over its data usage. I decided to dig deep online and pulled up the bill and found out why - my teen kids were streaming Spotify.

As God is my witness, I was moving the mouse over to the top X to close out the window of the phone bill when I noticed this one particular number being texted constantly. Naturally, since I was on the kids part of the phone bill I assumed is was her texting a friend. Then I noticed it was on a column of my wife's number, not my kid. I still didn't think anything of it until I went over the bill and saw it thousands of times. I googled it and it was a male personal trainer at her work. My heart sank, I pulled months worth of bills and saw them exchanging thousands upon thousands of texts and pictures.

I printed everything out and when she came home, I sat her down and told her and showed her the phone bill. She went pale white. Said she was sorry. I told her to leave. (A back story here, she was always the strong one and never backed down from anything). She said, "lets talk". I got in her face and said, "you need to leave now".

This scared her. She left to live with a friend for 2 weeks while we figured out what to do.

2 years later, after horrid marriage counseling and terrible IC on my end, we're still together. Things are much better. That old marriage died and a new one was born. We try not to talk about it now because what little I *did* find out traumatized me. I can't have details. I have severe PTSD from this whole thing, but my new IC (who rules) assured me that a couple of more years down the road and I should be better.

I love my wife and like where the marriage is now, but hate how it took her affair to finally realize what we needed to do to work on our marriage and make it better.
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Old 20th September 2017, 3:53 PM   #32
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Wink

11 years ago, H called and said he'd been having drinks with a woman who was going through a tough divorce. When he walked her to her room, she surprised him with a kiss and asked him into her room. He was shocked and told her he was happily married.

I said did you like it? Was she pretty at least. He said no and she was kind of fat. I said, better luck next time, honey and laughed. That was the old me.

There is no way to make this story short but about 18 months ago, he slipped and said he kissed her. I flipped out. Four about 4 months I got TT until I tricked him into thinking I had spoken to the slut. He agreed to a poly and I got 3 different parking lot confessions. He finally admitted to heavt petting.

Just last night he told me she tried to go down on him in public! I hit the roof and now he's threatening to leave me because I'm so mean and unforgiving. Whatever.
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Old 20th September 2017, 7:09 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg_1963 View Post
I had no idea (even though when I read back on my old posts from 5 years ago, there was probably evidence there).

Couple of years ago, I noticed the phone bill was going over its data usage. I decided to dig deep online and pulled up the bill and found out why - my teen kids were streaming Spotify.

As God is my witness, I was moving the mouse over to the top X to close out the window of the phone bill when I noticed this one particular number being texted constantly. Naturally, since I was on the kids part of the phone bill I assumed is was her texting a friend. Then I noticed it was on a column of my wife's number, not my kid. I still didn't think anything of it until I went over the bill and saw it thousands of times. I googled it and it was a male personal trainer at her work. My heart sank, I pulled months worth of bills and saw them exchanging thousands upon thousands of texts and pictures.

I printed everything out and when she came home, I sat her down and told her and showed her the phone bill. She went pale white. Said she was sorry. I told her to leave. (A back story here, she was always the strong one and never backed down from anything). She said, "lets talk". I got in her face and said, "you need to leave now".

This scared her. She left to live with a friend for 2 weeks while we figured out what to do.

2 years later, after horrid marriage counseling and terrible IC on my end, we're still together. Things are much better. That old marriage died and a new one was born. We try not to talk about it now because what little I *did* find out traumatized me. I can't have details. I have severe PTSD from this whole thing, but my new IC (who rules) assured me that a couple of more years down the road and I should be better.

I love my wife and like where the marriage is now, but hate how it took her affair to finally realize what we needed to do to work on our marriage and make it better.
This is why the BS needs to control how much they learn
about the affair.
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Old 21st September 2017, 8:59 AM   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
This is why the BS needs to control how much they learn
about the affair.
What makes you say this?
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Old 21st September 2017, 1:38 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
This is why the BS needs to control how much they learn
about the affair.
Everyone is different.

I absolutely hate it when I don't know what's going on. That stems from wanting to understand how things happen. If I can, maybe I can fix it.

Other people have a different approach, and so long as they are able to freely choose the type of information they want and don't want, and at what pace they want to hear it, it's all good.

Please note; this is NOT the same as hiding an affair
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Old 21st September 2017, 3:25 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by Greg_1963 View Post
What makes you say this?
Because I would have to know every big and little detail in order to even think about moving on.

You do not want the details. It might make you leave.

What works for you is what is important.

If later you want all of the details, then get them, but if you can life without them, you are a better man than me.

Do what works for you.
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Old 21st September 2017, 6:25 PM   #37
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I was oblivious until she told me. I get the kids ready for school in the morning, then go to work. I get home around 6 pm. She typically sleeps until after we are gone, then works 3 pm - 11 pm and the kids and I are all asleep when she gets home. This made it incredibly easy for her to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. When I snooped on her phone, I discovered that she made over 80 trips to the AP's apartment in 5 months. She would either go there in the morning after the kids and I were gone, or if she was working she'd go there after work until 3, 4, sometimes even 5 am in the morning. I was and still am shocked at how many times she did this without me knowing for so long. I feel like an oblivious idiot.
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Old 21st September 2017, 8:56 PM   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg_1963 View Post
What makes you say this?
We try not to talk about it now because what little I *did* find out traumatized me. I can't have details. I have severe PTSD from this whole thing

Because only the BS can know how much detail they
can handle. Once a something is heard it can never
be forgotten.

This why the WS only answers the specific question.

Example:

BH Did you and the OM have sex?

WW Yes.

The WW was not asked who's equipment was bigger,
how man times, how long the OM could last, what they
did in bed. So she does not volunteer this info.

The WW is not trickle truthing she is just answering the
question as it was asked. She is letting the BH control
how much information is revealed.

As the BH decides to know more about the affair he
will ask more questions until he has learned everything
or he feels that time to stop because he does not
want to here more. Thus the BH controls how much
he learned.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 3:27 AM   #39
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I found out via full color vista vision with cinema graphic surround sound complete with director's comments and visual effects. Even with visual proof there was still denial at first...amazing.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 12:20 PM   #40
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Hi Folks, GoldenR , FTL and Uncle Boogie rock. These guys are some of the best role models for BS that I have seen on this forum. There have been others but they are now in the misty past and difficult to recall. The few I can recall are Zinger and Jeff1440 or some such number. While I am not against reconciliation, I am of the firm opinion that the WS must face the consequences of their deception and betrayal of trust and they must do the heavy lifting required for a successful reconciliation. If these requirements are not met and everything is swept under the carpet, then it means they have got off lightly and not learnt their lesson. Thus they are ripe for a repeat of their indiscretions and the BS is going to be hurt all over again. Finished venting. Warm wishes all around.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 5:30 PM   #41
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I found out in a number of ways early on that I did not pursue but noticed in hindsight.

In the beginning of the affair, there was a drop-off in intimacy, she was talking on the phone with this strange person more than I was comfortable with, working and attending conferences on the weekends, the smallest things sent her off on me and a certain person's name was constantly coming up in general conversation. He was so funny, he had these great ideas and was so nice, etc..

I confronted her about my concerns I was gaslighted for a few months. She was at a continuing education conference for the weekend when her father had health problems and was hospitalized. I called her employer on how to reach her at this conference (few people had cell phones then). They had no idea what I was talking about. I was suddenly overcome with anger, my hairs on my neck and arms stood straight up and I knew then. I called a few of her friends "where she may have been staying" and tracked her down regarding her father. I just told her about her father and angrily informed her about these conferences that did not exist. She originally gaslighted me for tracking her down but changed her tune once I discussed her father. I just gave her the info and hung up.

She was home in a few hours crying... I tried working it out for a few more months but she eventually went back and forth so I waved goodbye and left.
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Old 1st October 2017, 7:17 AM   #42
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We were together for 6 years, in a LDR for the last couple, which was coming to an end soon.

We hadn't seen each other in a month (one of the longest stretches). I arrived and she kind of gave me a luke warm, half assed welcome hug and kiss. I was immediately in a bad mood that weekend; all I wanted was some love from my partner.

Anyway, deep down I suspected something I think. So I snooped on her internet history and found some suspicious searches for "What time is it in X?" etc., with 'X' being a place where this guy she had met a month previously was from. I knew they had met (she was hosting him for a friend of mine), and had been in touch on Facebook since, because she had mentioned him to me once or twice.

They had been speaking to each other for a month on Facebook. Nothing physical happened when they were together (that was pretty clear from the messages) but it definitely could have, and would have turned physical no doubt given another chance. The messages were not sexting, but flirting and she was just emotionally investing in him the same as me. She didn't mention me once in a month of messages, but sent him the same things as me on a daily basis.

I kind of ****ed up then, and asked her to come back home without taking screenshots. I should have taken as much evidence when I found out and sat on the information briefly, while seeking help from people more experienced (e.g. online forums) to guide me through rather than act on my emotions. She came home, having deleted the messages on the way back, and I confronted her.

I got the usual stuff: you have changed, I don't feel the spark anymore between us, basically "I love you but I'm not in love with you" in different words.

To be honest, the romantic relationship had waned but that was completely on her, as far as I am concerned.

I left her a few weeks afterward after playing the 'pick me dance' for a while.
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Old 1st October 2017, 6:17 PM   #43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
How did you find out your spouse was having an affair?

I found out because I saw a few things that I thought were a bit wonky, and asked him about it. I never expected the answer I got...that he had been cheating. I thought it would be something far less serious.

It was really strange, almost as if he had been bursting to say something and was really glad to have gotten the words out.

How did you find out, and do you feel that it affected your decision to reconcile/ not reconcile? For me it did, as if I had found out on my own, I couldn't have ever trusted him again.
All that you said, I could say was how it played out for me except for the added element of my separate relationship with the OW. I'd already had a conversation with her in which my fears and suspicions were confirmed when I exclaimed, "You're in love with him, aren't you??" and she didn't deny it.

But the confrontation with him was kind of satisfying even though the fact of the infidelity obviously overwhelmed everything else. I researched how to detect lying and how to get someone to confess and found somewhere that you should warm them up with good food (I kid you not), flattery and whatever will make them feel safe. Not sure if the cookies actually worked, but I do know that he was more than ready to get it off his chest.
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Old 1st October 2017, 8:42 PM   #44
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My wife left open her facebook showing messages from a female friend she went out with a few days prior. She said to her friend "you must think I'm crazy" and her friend responded with "I just want you to be happy". My wife told me her friend wanted to go out but the message trail definitely showed that my wife set up the meeting.

With the lie about why she was going out and the strange conversation. I got suspicious, thought about, went through all the possibilities and eventually looked at the phone bill. That was almost 2 years ago. It was only an EA, but lots of other metal health problems came out, because of it, or at least rose to the surface. I've got to admit that even with lots of recent positives, the 2 year anniversary of D day is already beginning to bring me down.

So let me end with a positive. My wife always had these crazy threats about basically anything we were doing. From going out to dinner, to vacations. If we had the smallest disagreement, she would protest that she wasn't going. A day or to later things changed and she would always go but often not be happy.

Well last week, we went to a concert, my favorite performer, who she had seen before, but not really a fan of. Leading up to the show she never once said anything. Her day was awful, she's limping from knee surgery a few months ago, got home from work 10 min before we had to leave with only time to change, had to walk a lot and still I heard not even a bit of a complaint. We both had a great time. This is a huge step forward for her. If this happened 2 years ago she would have chewed my ear off and been a miserable B* all night.
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