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how did you find out about the affair?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 11th September 2017, 10:47 PM   #16
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He was pushing her to leave me for him, so one time when she was at his house (supposed to be hanging with a female friend that night), he had her start changing her email address on all of her accounts (credit cards, phone, etc) to his email address. She never wanted her own email address, so she used mine. All of a sudden I get so these notifications that the email address on file for these accounts has changed to his email address, which was simply his name@Yahoo.com. I knew him. He worked with her. I know where he lived (from a work party that was there), so I drove over, staked out his house until I saw them drive up from a trip to the grocery store. They walked in holding hands. I went home and packed every bit of her belongings into a bunch of 30-gallon lawn trash bags. At around 2am, I made 4 back and forth trips over there and put them all on his porch in front of his front door. When they came out the next morning, he fell into them.

She called me. I told her that that was her house. She never came back, and didn't even try to get the girls.

Are they still together??
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Old 11th September 2017, 10:59 PM   #17
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Are they still together??
Yeah....pretty much just bc she had nowhere else to go. I kicked her out in summer 2004. She wanted to come home many times. Wasn't gonna happen. They used to have a very volatile relationship....he even pulled a gun out a couple times threatening to kill himself if she left. They've calmed down since. She is still a horrible mom. He wants to be my buddy.
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Old 11th September 2017, 11:01 PM   #18
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Yeah....pretty much just bc she had nowhere else to go. I kicked her out in summer 2004. She wanted to come home many times. Wasn't gonna happen. They used to have a very volatile relationship....he even pulled a gun out a couple times threatening to kill himself if she left. They've calmed down since. She is still a horrible mom. He wants to be my buddy.

I'm sure you had to have gotten satisfaction from her wanting to come home. I know I would have. I wonder if they are faithful to each other. Do you think he follows you around and wants to be your friend because of guilt?
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Old 11th September 2017, 11:06 PM   #19
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I'm sure you had to have gotten satisfaction from her wanting to come home. I know I would have. I wonder if they are faithful to each other. Do you think he follows you around and wants to be your friend because of guilt?
I've had ppl suggest that now he knows the crazy for what it really is, and he thinks that gives us a connection.

But who knows....I'm never all that nice to him it was crazy, he went from wanting to fight me (which resulted in him getting a broken arm and arrested) to wanting to be friends. There was like 3 years in between where we never saw each other.

He's a tool.
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Old 11th September 2017, 11:21 PM   #20
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I've had ppl suggest that now he knows the crazy for what it really is, and he thinks that gives us a connection.

But who knows....I'm never all that nice to him it was crazy, he went from wanting to fight me (which resulted in him getting a broken arm and arrested) to wanting to be friends. There was like 3 years in between where we never saw each other.

He's a tool.
Lol - looks like the grass isn't greener after all
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Old 11th September 2017, 11:46 PM   #21
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How I found out was long and too complicated to write out in one post, plus it's already here so n bits and pieces. Super short version. Comments by my toddler son on time he was at the babysitter while I traveled. Odd phone calls from her, weird comments. All lead to me confronting her without any evidence. During an argument I said, "so, what are you going to do, find someone else?" She responded with "maybe I already tried that" but quickly recanted the statement as "trying to make me angry"

After that comment I had a surreal moment like on a movie were all the odd comments and actions played in my mind in fast forward.
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Old 12th September 2017, 12:52 AM   #22
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He left on a hunting trip for the day.

Came home..... said he was leaving me..... for someone else.

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Old 12th September 2017, 4:14 AM   #23
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He kept dropping hints but because I was delightfully naive (or trusting) I didn't take them.

He was always talking about the teaching assistants in his class - all young women and mostly single - I even jokingly called them 'his harem'. I didn't object when he went out with them all. Such a fool! Cool wife eh?

I didn't really take notice until he started being a bit of **** to all of us - including the children - no patience with them, no time for them. And when he started to tell me about the 'absurd rumours' going around school about him and OW. I was outraged on his behalf and feeling a bit humiliated myself....until I started to think and put two and two together. That weekend I checked his texts and it call came tumbling down. Took about 48 hours of minimising and blame-shifting before he told me the lot. Hardest 48 hours of my life. Thank god for my good friend who held my hand through it all and convinced H I needed to hear the lot - good and bad.

If he had been more savvy and cleared his texts as OW had told him to, and if he hadn't subconsciously wanted to clear his conscience by giving me these hints, I am not sure if I'd have found out.
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Old 12th September 2017, 4:18 AM   #24
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"And then a visual procession of the behavioural clues I had subliminally noticed but dismissed came flashing through my mind - including fleeting scenarios/ facial expressions etc I hadn't consciously noticed at the time but must have filed under 'odd'."

Yep Cymbeline. None of it was 'odd' once I knew the facts
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Old 12th September 2017, 8:47 AM   #25
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She confessed.
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Old 12th September 2017, 11:36 AM   #26
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I set her up.

It was the hardest 4 months of my life. I knew she was lying to me and I knew who the guy was. For 4 months behind the scenes I was talking with the OM wife. We agreed to give them both enough rope to hang themselves with and we would bide our time until d-day. Funny thing about cheaters, their ego's will inflate to enormous proportions when they think they are getting away with it.

4 months, folks. We waited 4 months to drop the bomb. We swallowed lies for 4 months to allow them to peak at their emotional highs.

I then met face to face with the OM's wife after work. We sat and talked over drinks about how our lives are about to chance. We toasted each other for living the brutal previous 4 months, smiled at each other, and pulled the trigger.

She texted her husband "you have 30 minutes to get out of the house. Jeff is on his way".

My phone lit up within 3 minutes with texts from my ex. I played dumb and told her I would be working late.

The OM's wife's phone lit up with "I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I'll stay in a Hotel tonight".

The OM did go to a hotel that night. When he walked into the lobby my ex was with him...

... and the OM's wife and I were standing there waiting.

Game. Set. Match.

:-)
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Old 13th September 2017, 6:20 AM   #27
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My wife confessed 8 years after her affair ended. She confessed because she couldn't continue living a false life. At that time (D-day) we were going through serious life changes that brought it to a head.

During her affair our relationship deterioted rapidly and she treated me horribly. After a few months of this I told her that I've had enough. Whatever was going on with her better stop or I was going to leave her. She soon ended her affair after that discussion.

The decision to reconcile had more to do with my kids than her confession. Plus she had been a wonderful wife for the 8 years since her affair. If our marriage had been less than what it was, I may have divorced her. It's hard to play the what if game.
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Old 13th September 2017, 7:48 AM   #28
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After what turned out to be 4 years of her cheating, I confronted her with no evidence...just a strong gut feeling and determination to finally hear the truth. After deflecting my question 3 times, she finally admitted it because she thought I found something on her phone or computer. Deep down, I knew she was up to no good, but hearing it from my spouse of 17 years was crushing.

We might have had a chance at reconciliation if it were not for her continued lies after D-day.

D-day was just a few months ago (5/18) and she was served and signed the divorce papers on Monday (9/11). She is closing on her new house tomorrow. I don't believe her "no contact" ever lasted more than a few weeks.
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Old 13th September 2017, 8:26 AM   #29
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After what turned out to be 4 years of her cheating, I confronted her with no evidence...just a strong gut feeling and determination to finally hear the truth. After deflecting my question 3 times, she finally admitted it because she thought I found something on her phone or computer. Deep down, I knew she was up to no good, but hearing it from my spouse of 17 years was crushing.

We might have had a chance at reconciliation if it were not for her continued lies after D-day.

D-day was just a few months ago (5/18) and she was served and signed the divorce papers on Monday (9/11). She is closing on her new house tomorrow. I don't believe her "no contact" ever lasted more than a few weeks.
So your Ex stayed with the AP? Is the AP married and if so, did you contact his wife? What kind of continued lies did she get caught on?
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Old 13th September 2017, 9:18 AM   #30
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So your Ex stayed with the AP? Is the AP married and if so, did you contact his wife? What kind of continued lies did she get caught on?
I don't want to hijack this thread, but the lies varied and included reaching out to her AP and his wife 2 or 3 weeks after D-day. I notified his wife 3 days after D-day. Her AP is still with his wife. My STBXW has gone back to the weekly running/riding groups where her AP also goes. She says they just ignore each other... It hurts to see, but at this point, I try to remind myself that it's no longer my concern.
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