Jump to content

Answering the "need to know" or letting it simmer...


merrmeade

Recommended Posts

I have a new job and so am just going to drop this question and respond later.

 

I've realized that I didn't get the whole truth in the five years since Dday but pretty much feel I've figured it out. The thing is, knowing - rather, getting confirmation from him - won't change a thing in our case. We're old, settled, got kids and grandkids around us. Everybody happy. Nobody's going on long trips, and I know everything that's going on without needing to dig. He knows I don't miss a gddamn thing and I can't be hoodwinked or gaslighted into thinking I did. In fact, he knows that I see what's happening before he does. So, no, his cheating again is not a risk.

 

This isn't about why he won't cheat again. It's about the past. So reading another thread about someone in the first year of betrayal, realizing she didn't get the whole truth and so can never trust him again, I got to thinking again about whether I want to go through the agony of making him confirm what I already know. What would we gain?

 

What would I gain? Peace of mind? Maybe. Maybe not. I know I'm not going to make him understand why I need to know, and I accept that (that he'll never understand that need).

 

I really liked one philosophical answer in that other thread - "I trust that she is a flawed human being as we all are. Rather then mistrust her. Its subtle difference that removes emotional component from her cheating and my trust." Without analyzing that too deeply, it's pretty much how I feel. I take him as he is. I know he's not going to hurt me like that again.

 

The question is how much do I need to know and why? Can I live with not having that out between us?

 

Here's why it's a real dilemma: It's a cataclysmic event for him. Every conversation we've had on it, I've gotten just a little more information, each piece of which was shocking, damning and completely unraveled him. He would be over it in a day and really sweet after, but the initial admission is like surgery without anaesthesia for him and an extremely unpleasant, upsetting experience for me.

 

I'm not interested in fixing him or making him go through it because he needs it. I'm not a psychologist and don't know why he's so fcked up in this way. I don't care. It's who he is and I'm not interested in changing him out at this point. I like our life and our growing, changing sex life. I'm happy.

 

Except I keep thinking about it. I just want to say sometimes, "I know for a fact that you x, y, z. I just want you to know that I figured it out. I know and I'm over it, but it WASN'T because you convinced me you were telling the truth or anything else you said or did. And, by the way, thank you very much. Not."

 

I guess it's my sense of dignity maybe? Letting someone think they fooled you is degrading. It's pretty basic and still comes up, but it's certainly less than it was 2, 3 or 5 years ago.

 

Do I answer this "need to know" or let it simmer? Will it eventually dry up and go away? I don't really think there is an answer or anyone knows.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Starswillshine

I had the proof, not from him. Even with proof, he first tried to deny. Tried to deny physical proof.

 

Within a day, he finally came to me and admitted it. I don't know why I needed him to admit it to me. I guess, in my mind, as long as he denied it, I saw him as a monster.

 

It was a relief to have him confirm it. Hurt like hell to have him say, "yes, we were together." But I needed it.

 

I can't say for sure if it will do good for you or not. Hugs.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand completely and really needed to know. He told me in bits and I found out some and we had awfu quarrels where my sharp tongue did a lot of damage.

 

It feels like regaining dignity, but actually it is ego. It goes against our western culture, which requires restitution and often, revenge, but I found by making attempts to subsume my ego (often failing) and doing lots of reading about this, I became gentler, everything became less painful, he was no longer prodded into oppositionality; was willing to open up and we moved along a lot faster and real emotional intimacy was possible.

 

So in stopping my fight for dignity and restitution, I ended up getting what I'd originally wanted. Paradoxically, for me, the greatest strength really did lie in gentleness, and my experience taught that for me, love really was the answer when I stepped out of my ego and responded with softness.

 

(But I did have to work hard to get myself in that zone instead of making demands and I got it wrong a lot)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

My post got lost. Too late too tired to try

to rewrite it.

 

So I will say only BS controls how much they

need to know. So OP how much do you need

to know.

 

I have been in limbo for 36 years. My wife wants

me to let it go I won't. Stalemate.

 

Thing is even when the WS finally tells all. Or claims

the trauma caused them to block it out and they

can't recall it now. Or simply the WS can not

remember it.

 

How is the BS to believe that the WS finally gave

me the full truth, WS trauma caused them to

blocked out, that the WS truly does not remember?

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

When my ex fiancé cheated on me while I was in combat, just a few months before our wedding date, I did not ask who or why. I just asked for my ring back. We were together for 5 years and I trusted her 100%. Lesson learned about the need for a healthy dose of mistrust. Thinking that someone, no matter who, will never lie to you or break your trust is thinking life and love is what you see in the movies.

 

When my ex girlfriend cheated on me, I did not ask who or why. I just kicked her out of the apartment. I never saw the need to know. The only reason to want to know is if I was insecure. I always thought it was their loss and after they both contacted me 40 years later, they told me as much since they were plagued with drug addiction, prostitution, unplanned kids from strangers, and mental illness. They volunteered that information to me. I never asked.

 

If I let not knowing bother me, I would only be letting them control my emotions without them even trying to. They are going about their lives not thinking of me while I would be obsessed with the need to know. That would be a self made problem.

 

 

You are divorced so why does it matter? What inside you makes you want to know? I believe in the saying that the best revenge is living well. My exes had terrible lives. My salary puts me in the top 5% of the nation and money was never an issue. My wife of 45 years was and still is treated like a Queen. My ex fiancé thought about me a lot. Throughout her life she kept every picture and item I gave her. She sent them to me in a box after asking me if I wanted them. I have yet to open the box 9 years later. I took the box because I thought it might help her forget me. I told her that I forgave her and thanked her for cheating on me. I told her if not for that, I would have never had the wonderful wife and life that I had. The other girl hit me up for money so she could travel to see her daughter and get her off of crack.

 

Look at your life. If it is good, you won. Let them regret what they did. Who knows why people cheat. Monogamy is not our natural state but rather a way fore society to bring order. Maybe she was very submissive to him and he liked that. Maybe she was into some sexual fetish he had that you did not like. Could be that the new girl reminded him of his mother or in my case, was a lesbian. :)

 

Knowing will not improve you life in any way. It can only make you feel bad about yourself because you are hearing it from someone who obviously does not care for you enough. It can even go the other way and he will give you reasons that were all his fault so as not to let you feel bad. In either case, it will not make your life better.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I hate admitting this but here goes...

 

...It's mainly his bullshyte claiming that only just so much happened but not PIV. I also realized another of bullshyte because he described the scene to me in so much detail--details that he left in every other confession. Excess detail is one of the flags of a lie in progress. Plus, at the end of this particular story, in which OW has just undressed and thrown herself at him, he declines the offer and leaves the premises. Bullshyte, of course.

 

In the other all-but-PIV version of the PA, they gave each other hand or blow jobs and stopped there - in bed. Give me a break. Pure bullshyte.

 

Okay, so there it is. Now. I do believe that saying it like that would be confrontational, and I don't need any more than the absence of rebuttal. Silence following a charge of wrong-doing is a backwards version of confirmation. I think that's all I want.

 

After that, we deal with that knowledge finally being acknowledged and shared between us. But that's all that I ever wanted.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I just remembered the ending of a song I wrote some time in the first year after Dday. I've written maybe 5-10 songs but am no professional (duh).

 

But this one wrote itself, inspired by outrage. He hated it and certainly didn't want to hear it more than once. He couldn't get past the first part. Please indulge because it informs the last part, which still speaks for me.

 

This is one verse from the beginning, just some of what made him squirm:

 

"When you were a young man

And lookin' for love,

You hitched up before you stopped looking."

And

"You thought I was blind,

And you were so kind

To hide it and walk on unfettered.

 

So now we're old

And you want your soul ... "

 

But he didn't listen closely to the hope in the bbyending:

"No, no one to fool now

Just you and yourself,

But that's all that I ever wanted."

 

For love doesn't lie

Or close either eye;

Just show me you know you knew better."

 

Still feel that way.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
By merrmeade

The question is how much do I need to know and why?

You know that your husband is a failure at fidelity and you know a lot more about his multiple affairs and character. YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW MORE unless you are like the masochist moth that goes after the flame. You know more than enough already.

 

By merrmeade

Can I live with not having that out between us

?

According to your post below the answer is YES!

By merrmeade

I like our life and our growing, changing sex life. I'm happy

 

 

 

 

By merrmeade

I guess it's my sense of dignity maybe? Letting someone think they fooled you is degrading. It's pretty basic and still comes up, but it's certainly less than it was 2, 3 or 5 years ago.

 

Your dignity? Your dignity has the facts that you did not have an affair, you sacrificed for the family, and gave your husband the gift of not being divorced…Your husband has the dignity problem! You have not been fooled; you have listed several of his affairs with some detail that you know about so where is this feeling of being fooled coming from?

 

 

 

Merrmeade

From what I have read in your posts your husband has dismal miserable character in the areas of loyalty and commitment. He has shyt on you big time so force yourself to put his despicable actions out of your mind. You may fail from time to time but keep it up and you will get a lot better. You do what you have to do to help yourself get a lot better and you should always put your improvement in your healing ahead of any concern for him. You maybe spending too much time with issues that cannot be changed!

 

 

The bottom line

You become as self-sufficient as possible, focus on you healing, and forgive as much as you can because that will help YOU!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I believe that the need to know has alot to do with your intentions moving forward. When I first became confident that infidelity had happened, I wanted to know it all. I believe my first instinct was stay. Once I knew D was the only answer knowing meant nothing.

 

Years later when we got back together the need to know returned. The Impact was different, the outcome no longer dependent on the answers. I had accepted it happened, I no longer had her on the pedistal.

 

Moving forward with WS, it's more important that they are willing to share than actually knowing.

 

If you're not moving forward with WS, needing to know can be hazardous to healing and moving on.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Feels good to say it here. In real life, I'm the only person who listens to the song, and NO ONE wants to talk about about any of this.

 

For that reason, a little goes a long, long way. I don't need details, digging for feelings or conversation. In fact, I haven't asked for an affair-based heart-to-heart in over a year. If I could get that tacit acknowledgement that I'm right without the volatile aftermath, I really feel it would be enough.

 

Thing is it calls for a level of trust on his part, and I can't say for sure what his fears are. How he'd react is not a factor so much. I have to act on what I need and not sure I need it today or tomorrow. For one thing, he's on a trip and just before he left, he got a cool new item from the Dr. that is supposed to enhance our sex life. I think we're both looking forward to trying it out.

 

So maybe it does come to that. Uncomplicated romp in the sack or open heart surgery ...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yeah, Blunt really knows me. That's really something.

 

I think you are right about one thing: Life's getting better slowly and slowly has to be okay. And you nailed what bothers him, talking about it, is the contrast between us, that he did all that and I didn't, couldnt.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think your history shows that he isn't going to hand you info you need nor is he willingly going to make it any better for you.

 

With that said it's probably useless to open things up to address more of what happened.

 

Heck, but for you - for YOUR peace of mind - I think it may be useful to simply and concisely address him by stating that you are fully aware that he had sex with her (or maybe say that you know full well he did everything with her). Then leave it at that.

 

He's not going to offer you more info. He doesn't have it in him to help you through this - so state things as the facts and leave it alone.

 

He will know you know. Then that's all.

 

It sucks and I'm sorry he has no intention of making this better for you.

 

Hopefully after that you can rest a little easier knowing you acknowledged some real truths whether he intends to admit it or not.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I believe that the need to know has alot to do with your intentions moving forward. When I first became confident that infidelity had happened, I wanted to know it all. I believe my first instinct was stay. Once I knew D was the only answer knowing meant nothing.

 

Years later when we got back together the need to know returned. The Impact was different, the outcome no longer dependent on the answers. I had accepted it happened, I no longer had her on the pedistal.

 

Moving forward with WS, it's more important that they are willing to share than actually knowing.

 

If you're not moving forward with WS, needing to know can be hazardous to healing and moving on.

 

Yes the wiling to share it all shows the BS

that the WS is putting the BS ahead of the AP.

 

That the WS strips the AP off all of their shared

secrets of the affair with the WS.

 

The BS is brought back into the inside into the

exclusive relationship and the AP is removed.

Excluded forever.

 

Not knowing can leave the BS with unrest from

the need to know and never getting the answers

that they need.

 

Some BS just need to know that the WS cheated

and that is all it takes to cut them out of their life.

 

Some BS need to know what happened because

they need to hear the truth to confirm their

conclusion that their WS is someone that they

can never recover with.

 

Some BS need to know because they need their

WS to show them that they have stopped protecting

their AP and has put the BS back into his rightful

spot ahead of the AP.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

merrmeade,

 

It all comes down to the same question I posed to you over a issue you had about a year ago, Does what you want help or hurt your reconciliation? Does knowing just what happened, or him admitting what is obvious, is the thing you need to move on and heal. Trying to remove some emotion in all this, I think is the key. What I mean is not that you should not feel the way you do, but in deciding how to go forward, you should be as coldblooded as you can be as you plot your next move. Will having him admit to all the details help or hurt? How will this impact the future. You can not go back to the way it was in the past. Just come through this has changed both of you. The only thing left, past divorce and you have decided not to, is to build a new future. How does you knowing, help or hurt, building this future?

 

Your decision, may come down to having to know for your own sake, and that is legitimate. If you can live with knowing what happened because you just know, does that suffice for you? Can he ever really be honest with you? Is he just the type that will not, can not be really open? Are you chasing something that he cannot give you? Search for what you really need, and decide if it helps you.

 

As always, I wish you luck...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
merrmeade,

 

It all comes down to the same question I posed to you over a issue you had about a year ago, Does what you want help or hurt your reconciliation? Does knowing just what happened, or him admitting what is obvious, is the thing you need to move on and heal. Trying to remove some emotion in all this, I think is the key. What I mean is not that you should not feel the way you do, but in deciding how to go forward, you should be as coldblooded as you can be as you plot your next move. Will having him admit to all the details help or hurt? How will this impact the future. You can not go back to the way it was in the past. Just come through this has changed both of you. The only thing left, past divorce and you have decided not to, is to build a new future. How does you knowing, help or hurt, building this future?

 

Your decision, may come down to having to know for your own sake, and that is legitimate. If you can live with knowing what happened because you just know, does that suffice for you? Can he ever really be honest with you? Is he just the type that will not, can not be really open? Are you chasing something that he cannot give you? Search for what you really need, and decide if it helps you.

 

As always, I wish you luck...

Your questions are good.

 

If you can live with knowing what happened because you just know, does that suffice for you? That's the future and that IS my question here: Can I manage the "want to know" itch? Can it die a natural death?

 

And, you're right, those questions above are important because of the answers to these:

Can he ever really be honest with you? Easiest one of all: NO. He can't even be honest with himself. It's weird how this behavior is not an issue for him, yet he sees himself and wants to be seen as honorable, decent and loving.

 

Is he just the type that will not, can not be really open? Now, this is the question that is the real reason I replied. What is such a "type"? I was never aware it's that common enough a phenomenon that you could call it a type. ??

Are you chasing something that he cannot give you? I think this one I've finally come to terms with and, no, I don't think I'm chasing it any more. I chased it for so many years. I don't ask it and don't expect it.

 

Search for what you really need, and decide if it helps you. And this one, I'll take the liberty of leaving alone since it's sort of a contradiction in terms.

 

With all due respect, I think it ought to say --

Search for what YOU THINK you need and see if it helps.

And implied:

If it does not, you can either give up, start over or live with the unsettled feeling.

Right now I'm doing the latter and maybe, as Mr. Blunt suggests, it's not really that bad an itch and, if I don't scratch, it'll just go away on its own.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The question is how much do I need to know and why? Can I live with not having that out between us?

 

Here's why it's a real dilemma: It's a cataclysmic event for him. Every conversation we've had on it, I've gotten just a little more information, each piece of which was shocking, damning and completely unraveled him. He would be over it in a day and really sweet after, but the initial admission is like surgery without anaesthesia for him and an extremely unpleasant, upsetting experience for me.

 

He knows as soon as you ask anything, he doesn't want you to ask, he can throw a "cataclysmic event" and you back off as it upsets you.

The "cataclysmic event" is so severe that he gets over it completely in one day...

i suggest that emotion he shows is not real.

He places that in your way so he gets off with not having to tell you anything. He throws you a teeny tiny bit of info, as little as he can get away with, and then retreats.

You, not wanting to cause further trouble have to make do with that.

He is happy and breathes a sigh of relief as he "escaped" again, meanwhile you are left stewing for months/years...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I more or less pieced the puzzle that was my wife's wild years. Well enough to feel I know the basics - even though she never told me it all. For sure bits and pieces came out here and there (when she was not trying to filter them) during conversations and these conflicted with the information she gave me when she was trying to present the details formally. Those random odd moments when things trickled out where the most revealing - never the formal "interrogation" times. :)

 

but God did I want to "Know the TRUTH!"

 

Honestly even if I administered a truth serum to my WW (especially now years later) I am not sure I would know the truth.

 

I dont want to get to get too deep here...but a person (say your cheating spouse - or even the president of the USA :o) may 100% believe something as true - say it happened - believe it happened...and it did not happen.

 

 

Also when police interview witnesses to a crime - many times their stories conflict but that all give "honest" remembrances of the crime they saw ! Heck even if I gave a truth serum to OM/MM he would probably tell me things he believes about my wife - that are also not true.

 

 

When I went through all of my WW's emails - I ran across a number about me (not bad ones) that actually NEVER happened or happened much differently in my mind. Strange stuff.

 

I guess at some point you just have to settle on your version of what happened.

Edited by dichotomy
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I understand completely and really needed to know. He told me in bits and I found out some and we had awfu quarrels where my sharp tongue did a lot of damage.

 

It feels like regaining dignity, but actually it is ego. It goes against our western culture, which requires restitution and often, revenge, but I found by making attempts to subsume my ego (often failing) and doing lots of reading about this, I became gentler, everything became less painful, he was no longer prodded into oppositionality; was willing to open up and we moved along a lot faster and real emotional intimacy was possible.

 

So in stopping my fight for dignity and restitution, I ended up getting what I'd originally wanted. Paradoxically, for me, the greatest strength really did lie in gentleness, and my experience taught that for me, love really was the answer when I stepped out of my ego and responded with softness.

 

(But I did have to work hard to get myself in that zone instead of making demands and I got it wrong a lot)

 

This ...if I could like it a 100 times

 

I did a lot of damage too with my tongue and spared him no dignity ..but healing began when I quitened my mind and approached from love instead of ego and anger .he began opening more .

But I got it wrong so many times and still do at times ...and I believe i don't know every detail some he said himself/ most I found out on my own and rest is just assumption

 

But I feel how much would you really know .even if you knew it all .maybe they did feel love in the moment .maybe they did believe themselves all they were saying .everything they did and said and felt we would really not know all of it .and honestly even though I know most and other I can put together ...i am tired of it all and don't want to know anymore because if you dont know it hurts and even you know it hurts .that they are capable it hurts all the same.

 

Instead I focus on calming my mind .I decided to work on marriage when I found out almost 6 years ago .his affair and everything that entails .though I would like him to give me every single detail of every single second .it would not change my decision today but would only hurt me more . So I calm my self instead redirect and focus on what we have today

 

The more you want to know the more doubt and questions arise from what you know it becomes a never ending cycle ...i believe at some point we need to let it go accept what we know our version .and let it rest .

Edited by pheonixrisen
Link to post
Share on other sites
I understand completely and really needed to know. He told me in bits and I found out some and we had awfu quarrels where my sharp tongue did a lot of damage.

 

It feels like regaining dignity, but actually it is ego. It goes against our western culture, which requires restitution and often, revenge, but I found by making attempts to subsume my ego (often failing) and doing lots of reading about this, I became gentler, everything became less painful, he was no longer prodded into oppositionality; was willing to open up and we moved along a lot faster and real emotional intimacy was possible.

 

So in stopping my fight for dignity and restitution, I ended up getting what I'd originally wanted. Paradoxically, for me, the greatest strength really did lie in gentleness, and my experience taught that for me, love really was the answer when I stepped out of my ego and responded with softness.

 

(But I did have to work hard to get myself in that zone instead of making demands and I got it wrong a lot)

 

Ok but were you not just broken like a horse is broken.

The unbroken horse fights and fights and fights until it gives up in the face of a stronger opponent.

It then realises fighting is useless and will then capitulate. It learns to stop fighting.

In its "gentle" state, it no longer has to suffer the acute pain of the cuts and bruises received by fighting, but it has to suffer the chronic pain of the loss of its freedom and having to wear a saddle and bridle daily.

 

Are you really strong or have you just been cowed into "gentleness" and "softness" when faced with a stronger and unbeatable foe?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ok but were you not just broken like a horse is broken.

The unbroken horse fights and fights and fights until it gives up in the face of a stronger opponent.

It then realises fighting is useless and will then capitulate. It learns to stop fighting.

In its "gentle" state, it no longer has to suffer the acute pain of the cuts and bruises received by fighting, but it has to suffer the chronic pain of the loss of its freedom and having to wear a saddle and bridle daily.

 

Are you really strong or have you just been cowed into "gentleness" and "softness" when faced with a stronger and unbeatable foe?

 

That's a very reasonable assumption. You could certainly see it like that, and maybe I was broken - after all, it wasn't my first attempt at getting what I needed. however that approach is what I refer to when I speak about our cultural expectations regarding dignity (what eastern philosophy calls the false self)

 

I think our own western psychology / psychotherapy also supports this quieter, non shaming kind of approach. It just is less natural to our culture.

 

If, in fact you believe your ego is not your true self, you believe that no one can take away your inherent dignity. It is a position of great strength. Although I'm not claiming to be that good at it. My ego rises up and causes me suffering regularly.

 

The story about the sun and wind competing to remove a mans coat echoes this. So does the saying "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"

 

Gentleness has huge power.

 

And as an aside, I have experience with horses and they aren't broken with strength but with gentleness.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

When I went through all of my WW's emails - I ran across a number about me (not bad ones) that actually NEVER happened or happened much differently in my mind. Strange stuff.

 

I guess at some point you just have to settle on your version of what happened.

 

 

I believe that those emails were things that never

happened. They her were false justifications to be

a WW.

 

Settle?

 

The BS's version. How can it be anything less then

the worse that could of happened be the truth.

There is nothing to put the brakes on the BS's

imagination.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

And as an aside, I have experience with horses and they aren't broken with strength but with gentleness.

 

Yes, but I was talking about the more "traditional" way of breaking an animal's spirit for my analogy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This ...if I could like it a 100 times

 

I did a lot of damage too with my tongue and spared him no dignity ..but healing began when I quitened my mind and approached from love instead of ego and anger .he began opening more .

But I got it wrong so many times and still do at times ...and I believe i don't know every detail some he said himself/ most I found out on my own and rest is just assumption

 

But I feel how much would you really know .even if you knew it all .maybe they did feel love in the moment .maybe they did believe themselves all they were saying .everything they did and said and felt we would really not know all of it .and honestly even though I know most and other I can put together ...i am tired of it all and don't want to know anymore because if you dont know it hurts and even you know it hurts .that they are capable it hurts all the same.

 

Instead I focus on calming my mind .I decided to work on marriage when I found out almost 6 years ago .his affair and everything that entails .though I would like him to give me every single detail of every single second .it would not change my decision today but would only hurt me more . So I calm my self instead redirect and focus on what we have today

 

The more you want to know the more doubt and questions arise from what you know it becomes a never ending cycle ...i believe at some point we need to let it go accept what we know our version .and let it rest .

 

There is a difference on how the BS stops asking

questions.

 

It is one thing when the WS is answering every

question that the BS asks and then the BS reaches

the point I do not want to know any more and

decides to no longer hear anymore of the truth.

 

Then when the BS has a WS that is trickle trothing,

claims trauma caused them to block it out, the

"I do not remember". The WS's stonewalling

eventually wears out the BS and they stop asking.

They then resign themselves to not learning anymore.

 

Do posters here see the difference?

 

One BS got to control how much truth to hear.

 

One BS got to resign themselves to that they

are not going to hear anymore, seek anymore

truth.

 

The end result for the BS may be the same. Though

the decision making process was not.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

From what I learned in the situation I was involved in, after d day he told his wife what he knew would help him save his marriage. He told her about meeting at my two homes, in my car, meeting in my city.... etc., however he left out that he took me over to his house more often than not, it happened in his SUVs, a couple business trips, in his office, on their anniversary, on her birthday, when he said he was with the guys playing Poker, and definitely never told her about the other APs he had and all the online personal ads he put on CL, etc. He pretty much left out anything that he knew she wouldn't be able to blame me for. He knew as long as he got her to blame me and made it look like I pursued him (I had never experienced being pursued as strongly and been manipulated like he did in my life!), he knew he'd keep his family intact. He said he always wins... I guess that means doing all sorts of harmful things to other people to get what you want.

Your husband may not be anything like the exMM I knew but the more information I gather from reputable sources, there is a common pattern that most cheaters follow and my experience was no different.

Maybe I was lucky to have my exMM confide in me about some of his secrets, so I can share what really goes on inside their minds and how much deception a wife goes through because they rarely get the full truth from their husband.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think his continued denial of PIV is going to continue to build resentment in you and that resentment is an obstacle. I'm inclined to think that you should call him on it to get it over with.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...