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Six months later...


HeartFullOfSoul

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HeartFullOfSoul

Hello everyone,

 

It's been 6 months since I discovered my wife's emotional infidelity of approx 3 years (off and on, with several "break ups"). I will spare you the details, as what I have to say is nothing new, but I discovered the existence of it through an email account she mistakenly left open. "Devastating" is putting it mildly; in the early days, I cried with such primal anguish I sounded like a wounded animal. Even thinking that gives me goosebumps.

 

I had made some mistakes in our 12 years together (11 years married) but nothing -- nothing -- that warranted infidelity. I made a bad decision and lost a job. I made some poor judgement calls, or let a couple of things slide b/c I felt overwhelmed by work/two toddlers/lack of sleep. But I was always there, always finding ways of pleasing her or doing things with the family, always being a loving and supportive husband and father.

 

OM (and a MM) came waltzing in as a friend; he was someone I even considered a friend, having spent some time with him and his kids, urgh. My wife and OM started commuting together, as they both work in the city. It was convenient. Then it became very convenient. I never knew. But now, of course, I do...and more recently, his wife discovered. Let the fireworks begin.

 

We have two young children and are still together, and both of us have deep feelings for the family we have created and are very protective of that. Well, let me put it another way; she is protective of the family, more so than the marriage; in my wife's mind they are two separate entities, whereas I see them as a whole. I have reminded her that there would be little semblance of the family she knows/loves/enjoys now were we to split -- it would look very, very different. I'm living proof; my own parents split, and life wasn't the same in the days and weeks and years after.

 

It's been a rocky road to recovery, but there have been moments of warmth and tenderness between us. Despite the progress, my wife is still not "all in" with regards to reconciling due to a number of reasons: feelings for the OM that she is trying to resolve on her own and through counseling, "mid-life crisis" feelings, guilt and shame issues, body issues (peri-menopause, hot flashes, etc). She feels that the passage of time & the return of "normalcy" (we remodeled our kitchen this summer, worst timing ever) will be instrumental in reconciliation. I agree to some extent, but believe that a lot of elbow grease is involved (working on becoming a "we" again, protecting the marriage, taking time out for each other and making the marriage a priority, etc).

 

As I said, we have had some nice "easy" moments where things feel almost as they did when we first got together 12 years ago. But the physical side of things is slow to return: I am often the one to reach out to her to establish connection through hugs, a kiss goodbye or goodnight, etc. To be fair, she has taken initiative at times which is always a nice surprise. We have not had sex for 6 months now; there have been a few occasions, where the conditions seemed right, only for her to say "I can't be intimate with you now, I don't want to be pressured into sex" (and believe me, I am not "pressuring", unless saying on occasion "I miss being with you" is considered pressure). I can handle a lot of things in terms of working on myself; working on improving the communication, being fully present in the relationship, working on myself, changing my perceptions, etc, but I am at a loss as to how to restore intimacy.

 

I have listened to/read a lot of self-help, and recommend people like Dr. Baucom and Dr. Debra Macleod. Baucom talks about how our feelings of "rejection" (like when my wife either does not initiate contact or outright rejects me) is really protection on their part. Protecting themselves. I'm willing to look at it as "protection" but protection from what? Being afraid that I will somehow disappoint her again as I once did? I have certainly changed, she can see it and has commented on it and appreciates it. So that begs the question...at what point does one begin to trust again?

 

Here's my question:

 

I believe that intimacy is something that has to be actively worked on. You need to, at the very least, open yourself up to the idea of intimacy. Do you believe my wife should at least try to let go of what's blocking her and "get back on the bicycle"? Or do you think it's more important for us to continue on the path we're on, to not "try" but let the intimacy return on it's own and in it's own time? I know for certain that, when we are intimate (if?), I definitely want her to want it and feel it.

 

I get frustrated at times; I was the one who was betrayed, but I feel like I'm still being punished b/c of these blocks that are in the way of our intimacy. I'm doing a fairly good job of biting my tongue, focusing on the big picture, taking care of myself, etc. But a man (and a woman) only has so much patience. Right?

 

Can you please help me make sense of this, by suggesting ways I can help foster more trust between us that will open the doors to real intimacy? I understand that it's vitally important to have the friendship there first, and I don't want to skip any steps, but how does one move past the "rejection/protection" period to the next phase of reconciliation?

 

Thanks. And to those of you out there going through the same thing -- I feel for you!

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She should be doing anything and everything to get you healed. If she's making you feel like it's you fault that will never happen.

 

And to answer your question, yes, it needs to be actively worked on.

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It's been a rocky road to recovery, but there have been moments of warmth and tenderness between us. Despite the progress, my wife is still not "all in" with regards to reconciling due to a number of reasons: feelings for the OM that she is trying to resolve on her own and through counseling, "mid-life crisis" feelings, guilt and shame issues, body issues (peri-menopause, hot flashes, etc). She feels that the passage of time & the return of "normalcy" (we remodeled our kitchen this summer, worst timing ever) will be instrumental in reconciliation. I agree to some extent, but believe that a lot of elbow grease is involved (working on becoming a "we" again, protecting the marriage, taking time out for each other and making the marriage a priority, etc).

 

 

You just reeled off a bunch of excuses the shocker of which you're helping her getting over her feelings for the OM?

 

Also which one is it? You either want to have sex or be intimate or you don't.

Forget about the number of reasons for not reconciling, what you're doing is not reconciling at all. So logically the conclusion is...she's just not into you man. You can't drag a horse to the water. You're plan B with the house and the family and she's settling but she's given herself to the OM, mind body and soul so guess what that equals... no sex for you.

 

Keep it up. You might be lucky and get one a month duty sex.

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Three years is a long time for an emotional affair without it turning sexual. These two are adults not high school kids. Your wife was sexually intimate with the other man and that is why you are having intimacy problems. In some way she is probably feeling like she is betraying him by allowing herself to be intimate with you again.

 

You have been reading some books and such so you should realize that over those three years that she was involved with the OM that she checked out of your marriage. What you had before is gone, she blew it up. So now you are left to try and make something new with someone who by your own admission is only partially committed to reconciliation. It won't work as long as she is not committed to it completely.

 

The excuse about the kitchen remodel contributing to your lack of recovery is lame. :rolleyes:

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HeartFullOfSoul
Are you certain that there is no contact? Does the OBS know about the affair? What proof do you have that it was only emotional?

 

Yes, I'm certain. I have made it very clear there is to be no contact. I have put the OM on notice. I have asked her off and on if there's been contact, in part to see if her answer varies, and it does not. She has removed his contact info from her phone.

 

Yes, OBS knows of the affair and sent a text to both my spouse and I indicating she knew.

 

As to proof it was only emotional, she has sworn that they did not have intercourse. She offered to get a blood test, etc. There was physical contact, so it wasn't purely emotional -- I only meant that in terms of intercourse.

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HeartFullOfSoul
Three years is a long time for an emotional affair without it turning sexual. These two are adults not high school kids. Your wife was sexually intimate with the other man and that is why you are having intimacy problems. In some way she is probably feeling like she is betraying him by allowing herself to be intimate with you again.

 

You have been reading some books and such so you should realize that over those three years that she was involved with the OM that she checked out of your marriage. What you had before is gone, she blew it up. So now you are left to try and make something new with someone who by your own admission is only partially committed to reconciliation. It won't work as long as she is not committed to it completely.

 

The excuse about the kitchen remodel contributing to your lack of recovery is lame. :rolleyes:

 

It was not purely emotional, but there was no intercourse involved. She told me she had felt at one point they might "get a room" and go there but she did not. She offered to get a blood test, and swore they did not have intercourse. Then again, she has offered no details on anything else they did and honestly I don't really want to know b/c I know they did "certain things".

 

Part of her getting to a place of true reconciliation is working through her guilt/shame/other issues with a therapist. She has indicated that when she does commit she wants it to be 100%, but has to make some progress in therapy. There's a lot weighing her down that she has to be free of.

 

I am trying to work with her in that I know I'm responsible for some of the conditions that led to the affair in the first place. I am also aware that I cannot, and will not, live indefinitely in a sexless marriage. She knows that we cannot live this way, either. I am trying to exercise some patience, first and foremost for the sake of the stability of our family.

 

Kitchen remodel = yeah, I know, lame. Just stressful. Had some other work done on our house which required us to basically move out, all of which was done within 8 weeks or so of finding this out. Just another stressor on top of an already massive stressor.

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HeartFullOfSoul
Keep it up. You might be lucky and get one a month duty sex.

 

Ouch. Truth hurts.

 

I wouldn't call it "reeling off excuses". She knows she is to blame and has taken full ownership. And I know she is, too; but I did help contribute to the conditions that led to it. She knows, on many levels, that she screwed up big time.

 

And maybe she's not "into me" at the moment the way you describe, but there have been some genuinely loving moments. I'm not going to shoot the horse just b/c it's not capable of running the Derby just yet.

 

What would you suggest? I toss out 11 years of marriage b/c I we hadn't fully done the work of recovery yet? We still love and care for each other. And I don't want to hurt our kids, not by waving the white flag right away.

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Yes, I'm certain. I have made it very clear there is to be no contact. I have put the OM on notice. I have asked her off and on if there's been contact, in part to see if her answer varies, and it does not. She has removed his contact info from her phone.

 

Yes, OBS knows of the affair and sent a text to both my spouse and I indicating she knew.

 

As to proof it was only emotional, she has sworn that they did not have intercourse. She offered to get a blood test, etc. There was physical contact, so it wasn't purely emotional -- I only meant that in terms of intercourse.

 

a three year affair should tell you that cheaters lie a lot.

 

You are a typical betrayed spouse. Wanting to believe because the truth is too hard to take. You are just in denial.

 

An affair with contact is always physical. Schedule a polygraph

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It's been a rocky road to recovery, but there have been moments of warmth and tenderness between us. Despite the progress, my wife is still not "all in" with regards to reconciling due to a number of reasons: feelings for the OM that she is trying to resolve on her own and through counseling, "mid-life crisis" feelings, guilt and shame issues, body issues (peri-menopause, hot flashes, etc). She feels that the passage of time & the return of "normalcy" (we remodeled our kitchen this summer, worst timing ever) will be instrumental in reconciliation. I agree to some extent, but believe that a lot of elbow grease is involved (working on becoming a "we" again, protecting the marriage, taking time out for each other and making the marriage a priority, etc).

 

After 6 months you are not in R.

 

As I said, we have had some nice "easy" moments where things feel almost as they did when we first got together 12 years ago. But the physical side of things is slow to return: I am often the one to reach out to her to establish connection through hugs, a kiss goodbye or goodnight, etc. To be fair, she has taken initiative at times which is always a nice surprise. We have not had sex for 6 months now; there have been a few occasions, where the conditions seemed right, only for her to say "I can't be intimate with you now, I don't want to be pressured into sex" (and believe me, I am not "pressuring", unless saying on occasion "I miss being with you" is considered pressure). I can handle a lot of things in terms of working on myself; working on improving the communication, being fully present in the relationship, working on myself, changing my perceptions, etc, but I am at a loss as to how to restore intimacy.

 

Doing the pick me dance and trying to nice her back just loses you respect. Wake up!!!

 

I have listened to/read a lot of self-help, and recommend people like Dr. Baucom and Dr. Debra Macleod. Baucom talks about how our feelings of "rejection" (like when my wife either does not initiate contact or outright rejects me) is really protection on their part. Protecting themselves. I'm willing to look at it as "protection" but protection from what? Being afraid that I will somehow disappoint her again as I once did? I have certainly changed, she can see it and has commented on it and appreciates it. So that begs the question...at what point does one begin to trust again?

 

She cheats and youre disappointing her. Man are you in denial or what?

 

Here's my question:

 

I believe that intimacy is something that has to be actively worked on. You need to, at the very least, open yourself up to the idea of intimacy. Do you believe my wife should at least try to let go of what's blocking her and "get back on the bicycle"? Or do you think it's more important for us to continue on the path we're on, to not "try" but let the intimacy return on it's own and in it's own time? I know for certain that, when we are intimate (if?), I definitely want her to want it and feel it.

 

Shes in love with her other man and your actions or lack of actions make you very unnattractive. Wake up!!!!!

I get frustrated at times; I was the one who was betrayed, but I feel like I'm still being punished b/c of these blocks that are in the way of our intimacy. I'm doing a fairly good job of biting my tongue, focusing on the big picture, taking care of myself, etc. But a man (and a woman) only has so much patience. Right?

 

At this time you are punishing yourself for her cheating

 

Can you please help me make sense of this, by suggesting ways I can help foster more trust between us that will open the doors to real intimacy? I understand that it's vitally important to have the friendship there first, and I don't want to skip any steps, but how does one move past the "rejection/protection" period to the next phase of reconciliation?

 

Thanks. And to those of you out there going through the same thing -- I feel for you!

 

You are acting like a doormat. This will just lower your status even more.

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Yes, I'm certain. I have made it very clear there is to be no contact. I have put the OM on notice. I have asked her off and on if there's been contact, in part to see if her answer varies, and it does not. She has removed his contact info from her phone.

 

Yes, OBS knows of the affair and sent a text to both my spouse and I indicating she knew.

 

As to proof it was only emotional, she has sworn that they did not have intercourse. She offered to get a blood test, etc. There was physical contact, so it wasn't purely emotional -- I only meant that in terms of intercourse.

 

How is a blood test going to prove that WW did not

have sex with the OM?

 

Three year affair and no sex. No way. Typical

WW response to only admit what the BH knows

or the BH can prove. Then deny everything else.

 

Your WW not putting out is a clear sign that

the affair is not over. She does not want to cheat

on her OM by doing you.

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Ouch. Truth hurts.

 

I wouldn't call it "reeling off excuses". She knows she is to blame and has taken full ownership. And I know she is, too; but I did help contribute to the conditions that led to it. She knows, on many levels, that she screwed up big time.

 

And maybe she's not "into me" at the moment the way you describe, but there have been some genuinely loving moments. I'm not going to shoot the horse just b/c it's not capable of running the Derby just yet.

 

What would you suggest? I toss out 11 years of marriage b/c I we hadn't fully done the work of recovery yet? We still love and care for each other. And I don't want to hurt our kids, not by waving the white flag right away.

 

She tossed out you and the marriage. You are just a needy, clingy hanger on.

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She should be doing anything and everything to get you healed. If she's making you feel like it's you fault that will never happen.

 

And to answer your question, yes, it needs to be actively worked on.

 

I totally agree

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Yes, I'm certain. I have made it very clear there is to be no contact. I have put the OM on notice. I have asked her off and on if there's been contact, in part to see if her answer varies, and it does not. She has removed his contact info from her phone.

 

This proves absolutely nothing.

 

As to proof it was only emotional, she has sworn that they did not have intercourse. She offered to get a blood test, etc. There was physical contact, so it wasn't purely emotional -- I only meant that in terms of intercourse.

 

Again, as road asked, what blood test do you get to prove if there was or wasn't intercourse?

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Sounds like she's saving herself for her true love by remaining celibate with you. If anything, she should be begging to prove herself to you and trying to initiate sex to seal the deal. Instead she's keeping you at arms length.

 

Make her show her hand by filing for divorce. You'll either end up with a wife who's ready to reconcile, or be able to move on and find a decent woman.

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Let me start by saying that everyone here is trying to help you. I get it that you don't want to hear some of it, but it's necessary.

 

Things you need to realize:

 

- They had sex. A lot of it. As often as they could. Tell her that in order to help you heal, you'd like her to take a polygraph. Her reaction will be priceless.

 

- If she's in R with you, but refusing sex, then she's not really in R with you. She's still in the A, probably knee-deep physically in it. But at the very least, she's still in it in her head.

 

- You are not responsible for helping her get over her OM. Not. One. Bit. She betrayed you. So she helps YOU heal. Doing what you're doing will do nothing but maintain the status quo of a loveless, sexless marriage

 

Keep posting here. Believe me when I say, your best hope for R (if that's what you want) is thru the ppl here helping you. But you have to listen to what's being said.

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As to proof it was only emotional, she has sworn that they did not have intercourse. She offered to get a blood test, etc. There was physical contact, so it wasn't purely emotional -- I only meant that in terms of intercourse.

 

Wow...if the forum got a nickel for every time someone posted that or the equivalent, we could buy the internet.

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A THREE year affair and no intercourse?

 

MMMhmm.

 

Say, I've got a real deal for you on a beautiful beachfront cottage in south Florida but you have to wire me the money TODAY.

 

 

I'd hazard a guess that she's had intercourse with him over three years in the neighbourhood of as many times as you've had in twelve.

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Hi Heart, sorry you are here. The fact that you have'nt mentioned is whether your wife has expressed true remorse for her infidelity. Listen to what the others are trying to tell you because they are right. A three year affair which was a so called emotional one when your wife and this guy were commuting together without it turning into a PA is out of the question. They wouldn't need a room. They would do it in the car on the way to work and again on the return trip back. A polygraph test would get you at least a parking lot confession.

 

To me it seems that you are like an ostrich with it's head buried in the sand. Your wife, from all accounts is not displaying any signs of remorse. Rather, she is holding the cause for the affair over your head. She is the one who had the affair and she has to accept the responsibility for it all by herself. She has to move heaven and earth to make it up to you and help you heal. From all accounts she is doing nothing of the sort. If you want to be a door mat and live the life of a PlanB husband by all means go ahead. But then the folk on here are not going to give you a stamp of approval. You have a decision to make. Warm wishes.

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You are in deep denial.

Set up a polygraph.

3 years and no sex? Lets get real.

 

**If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting and forgiving

as you have been?

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Hi Heart, sorry you are here. The fact that you haven't mentioned is whether your wife has expressed true remorse for her infidelity. Listen to what the others are trying to tell you because they are right. A three year affair which was a so called emotional one when your wife and this guy were commuting together without it turning into a PA is out of the question. They wouldn't need a room. They would do it in the car on the way to work and again on the return trip back. A polygraph test would get you at least a parking lot confession.

 

To me it seems that you are like an ostrich with it's head buried in the sand. Your wife, from all accounts is not displaying any signs of remorse. Rather, she is holding the cause for the affair over your head. She is the one who had the affair and she has to accept the responsibility for it all by herself. She has to move heaven and earth to make it up to you and help you heal. From all accounts she is doing nothing of the sort. If you want to be a door mat and live the life of a PlanB husband by all means go ahead. But then the folk on here are not going to give you a stamp of approval. You have a decision to make. Warm wishes.

 

Maybe I didn't make myself clear. Here are some additional facts:

 

* She has shown remorse. A ton of it. On several occasions; she has cried, she has told me how sorry she is, she has apologized for hurting me.

* She has been seeing an IC since about June

* We have seen an IC together; we started going to one woman and, to make a long story short, this IC was not right for us. She has said that it's time we found another one, and is all for going.

* She has been transparent with me; I know her phone code. She does not carry her phone around with her as she did before. She has deleted his contact info from her phone.

* I have checked on her "at random" a few times (when she has left the house to go for a swim or other activities); there has been no suspicious activity.

* She stopped commuting with him (obviously) right away. She takes the bus in most days. On the few times she has driven in, I have followed her a couple of times to make sure she is alone and not picking him up along the way -- she has not.

* I confronted the OM, by email/phone/in-person. Let him know in no small terms that I would turn his life to **** if he took another step near my wife. I'm a big man (6'4"), he's considerably smaller; I'm not a thug by nature but if I ever did learn he was still with me wife all I can say is "Lord have mercy on him". My wife knows all of this, I certainly shared it with her. Believe me, she got the message.

* My wife has been increasingly and considerably sweeter/more attentive to me over the last couple of months. Maybe I didn't quite get that point across. She has taken initiative -- maybe not to the degree I would like, but she has taken it.

* She is realizing more and more each day what she stands to lose. I have reminded her. She may have been foolish to get involved, but she's not dumb. She loves her family, genuinely loves me (has said recently "I truly love you"). The kids slept in our bed last night, with the dog and cat. Trust me, she is very sentimental for these things and knows full well the world of *** her life would be/could be if she doesn't get with the program soon.

* When the OMS sent us the group text message ("I learned you were involved with my husband"), my response essentially confirmed it. So no more secrets, no more lies, nowhere to run to. I hope the OM's life is in a world of **** right now and absolutely collapses. He has not been happy in his marriage for some time I understand (not that I care), and from what the OMS said he is filing for separation. He's already seeing a shrink for some issue; the dude is very messed up. And not that it means anything, because I can't believe a word he would say, but he has said that he doesn't want contact with my wife or me or anyone, that he has to deal with his own ****.

 

Many of these things (being transparent, letting me know where she is, etc) I've been insistent about. I've already read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and books of that like, so I am not being the doormat you make me out to be. Give you a couple of examples:

 

* I left her a note one day stating "I have no intention of doing all the work. Read this book on affairs". Which she has. She understands the "fog" that you can be in with an affair and recognizes she was in one.

* Got into a couple of explosive fights with her (the anger coming from me, not her). This was early in the process, within a month after, where I caught her sending a message to him. I told her, repeatedly, "There's the door, get the **** out. GO to him if that's what you want! Just GO!" To say it stunned her is an understatement. She implored and cried that was not what she wanted, that she was just processing her grief (and to be honest, her message was pretty innocuous, "I miss you" type crap).

 

That's the long and short of it. She knows that I need answers soon (in terms of whether we are "truly" working toward reconciliation/rebuilding), b/c I've told her I need answers. Which is why she's in therapy and getting her house in order. Look, I hear what you are all saying. I appreciate the feedback. I'm no fool (I was "then", for sure, but no more). I'm not going to be a "Plan B" and, short of a polygraph or serving divorce papers, I am on this like a ******* boss. My dad cheated on my mom; HER dad cheated on her mom. I know all too well the destructive nature of affairs, and so does she; easy to say when you're not involved in one, right? But I am not going to throw the baby out with the bath water...yet. She is not running around on me, far as I can tell (and I've been checking, as I've said). She is not like some of the other WW I've seen written about on this board, the ones who are staying out past midnight or running off to **** their lover after kissing the kids and seeing them off to school. Yes, I know they had sex of some sort -- but the worst part was that she fell in love with the guy; that hurt more than anything else. But she has been remorseful from Day One. Over the last few months, her language on that has changed; it's now referred to as "I HAD feelings for him". We have done alot of work and made alot of progress since March 24 -- Rome wasn't built in a day -- and I can see where she's reaching out to me. Our anniversary is coming up next month, so we will see what that is like. We have plans coming up, as a family, to go to visit friends in the Caribbean in the new year (if Hurricane Irma hasn't washed it all away); she already bought the tickets. I haven't paid for anything and she hasn't asked, so it isn't a Daddy Warbucks thing where I'm funding it. She wants to do it.

 

I am going to continue with my plan. I have made myself clear, short of bullying her, and when we are in counseling again I will continue to make very clear what my expectations are. So far, she has respected my wishes and respects me for setting said boundaries; I have told her as much, and that there are consequences to breaking those boundaries. I am not going to go all Dragnet on her and have her take a polygraph; as I said, it's a moot point whether they had jungle sex on a daily basis or it was limited to playing footsie -- it's the fact that she had feelings for the liar. She knows that I am watching her. She knows that I'm not playing games and will toss her *** out if I even sniff something is out of whack. She is remorseful, even apologized again just this week when the OMS found out ("I'm sorry you had to see that text", "I'm sorry this has hurt you"). I have to give her some time to work her **** out, and I will do that.

 

And I will do that for several reasons, one being that this morning I looked at a poster my son had made for a class assignment: his favorite foods, favorite activities. Know what he wrote for "favorite people"? "My family". I am NOT going to jettison that b/c I am impatient with the process.

 

I will keep you posted at a future date. Wish me luck or what have you.

Edited by HeartFullOfSoul
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She still refuses to have sex with you.

 

She had sex with him.

 

She expects you to do without?

 

Tell her you will get your needs met somewhere else.

 

She is still in love with him.

 

Time for you to go have a few dates.

 

She will not mind. She had many dates. She does not want you, she will not have sex with you. Tell her you will go somewhere else.

 

(Where the OM's smell is not around)

 

Good luck.

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Maybe I didn't make myself clear. Here are some additional facts:

 

* She has shown remorse. A ton of it. On several occasions; she has cried, she has told me how sorry she is, she has apologized for hurting me.

* She has been seeing an IC since about June

* We have seen an IC together; we started going to one woman and, to make a long story short, this IC was not right for us. She has said that it's time we found another one, and is all for going.

* She has been transparent with me; I know her phone code. She does not carry her phone around with her as she did before. She has deleted his contact info from her phone.

* I have checked on her "at random" a few times (when she has left the house to go for a swim or other activities); there has been no suspicious activity.

* She stopped commuting with him (obviously) right away. She takes the bus in most days. On the few times she has driven in, I have followed her a couple of times to make sure she is alone and not picking him up along the way -- she has not.

* I confronted the OM, by email/phone/in-person. Let him know in no small terms that I would turn his life to **** if he took another step near my wife. I'm a big man (6'4"), he's considerably smaller; I'm not a thug by nature but if I ever did learn he was still with me wife all I can say is "Lord have mercy on him". My wife knows all of this, I certainly shared it with her. Believe me, she got the message.

* My wife has been increasingly and considerably sweeter/more attentive to me over the last couple of months. Maybe I didn't quite get that point across. She has taken initiative -- maybe not to the degree I would like, but she has taken it.

* She is realizing more and more each day what she stands to lose. I have reminded her. She may have been foolish to get involved, but she's not dumb. She loves her family, genuinely loves me (has said recently "I truly love you"). The kids slept in our bed last night, with the dog and cat. Trust me, she is very sentimental for these things and knows full well the world of *** her life would be/could be if she doesn't get with the program soon.

* When the OMS sent us the group text message ("I learned you were involved with my husband"), my response essentially confirmed it. So no more secrets, no more lies, nowhere to run to. I hope the OM's life is in a world of **** right now and absolutely collapses. He has not been happy in his marriage for some time I understand (not that I care), and from what the OMS said he is filing for separation. He's already seeing a shrink for some issue; the dude is very messed up. And not that it means anything, because I can't believe a word he would say, but he has said that he doesn't want contact with my wife or me or anyone, that he has to deal with his own ****.

 

Many of these things (being transparent, letting me know where she is, etc) I've been insistent about. I've already read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and books of that like, so I am not being the doormat you make me out to be. Give you a couple of examples:

 

* I left her a note one day stating "I have no intention of doing all the work. Read this book on affairs". Which she has. She understands the "fog" that you can be in with an affair and recognizes she was in one.

* Got into a couple of explosive fights with her (the anger coming from me, not her). This was early in the process, within a month after, where I caught her sending a message to him. I told her, repeatedly, "There's the door, get the **** out. GO to him if that's what you want! Just GO!" To say it stunned her is an understatement. She implored and cried that was not what she wanted, that she was just processing her grief (and to be honest, her message was pretty innocuous, "I miss you" type crap).

 

That's the long and short of it. She knows that I need answers soon (in terms of whether we are "truly" working toward reconciliation/rebuilding), b/c I've told her I need answers. Which is why she's in therapy and getting her house in order. Look, I hear what you are all saying. I appreciate the feedback. I'm no fool (I was "then", for sure, but no more). I'm not going to be a "Plan B" and, short of a polygraph or serving divorce papers, I am on this like a ******* boss. My dad cheated on my mom; HER dad cheated on her mom. I know all too well the destructive nature of affairs, and so does she; easy to say when you're not involved in one, right? But I am not going to throw the baby out with the bath water...yet. She is not running around on me, far as I can tell (and I've been checking, as I've said). She is not like some of the other WW I've seen written about on this board, the ones who are staying out past midnight or running off to **** their lover after kissing the kids and seeing them off to school. Yes, I know they had sex of some sort -- but the worst part was that she fell in love with the guy; that hurt more than anything else. But she has been remorseful from Day One. Over the last few months, her language on that has changed; it's now referred to as "I HAD feelings for him". We have done alot of work and made alot of progress since March 24 -- Rome wasn't built in a day -- and I can see where she's reaching out to me. Our anniversary is coming up next month, so we will see what that is like. We have plans coming up, as a family, to go to visit friends in the Caribbean in the new year (if Hurricane Irma hasn't washed it all away); she already bought the tickets. I haven't paid for anything and she hasn't asked, so it isn't a Daddy Warbucks thing where I'm funding it. She wants to do it.

 

I am going to continue with my plan. I have made myself clear, short of bullying her, and when we are in counseling again I will continue to make very clear what my expectations are. So far, she has respected my wishes and respects me for setting said boundaries; I have told her as much, and that there are consequences to breaking those boundaries. I am not going to go all Dragnet on her and have her take a polygraph; as I said, it's a moot point whether they had jungle sex on a daily basis or it was limited to playing footsie -- it's the fact that she had feelings for the liar. She knows that I am watching her. She knows that I'm not playing games and will toss her *** out if I even sniff something is out of whack. She is remorseful, even apologized again just this week when the OMS found out ("I'm sorry you had to see that text", "I'm sorry this has hurt you"). I have to give her some time to work her **** out, and I will do that.

 

And I will do that for several reasons, one being that this morning I looked at a poster my son had made for a class assignment: his favorite foods, favorite activities. Know what he wrote for "favorite people"? "My family". I am NOT going to jettison that b/c I am impatient with the process.

 

I will keep you posted at a future date. Wish me luck or what have you.

 

Heartfullofsoul,

 

First off, I just gotta say you sound so much like me after I found out my ex was screwing around. I read your thoughts/actions and it is like looking in a mirror. Same type of OM (liar, head problems, etc) that got inside my ex's head and crushed the world we had together.

 

If I can give you one single piece of advice it is this:

 

The hard work on her end hasn't even started. You're only 6 months along. My ex was the absolute epitome of someone who was remorseful. For about 6 months. Then the changes started to creep in. The "work" she had to do to make things right started to wear on her and thoughts of "just get over it" started to appear. It was slow, but they became more pronounced. 6 months after they started to appear, she threw in the towel and cheated again...

 

Not only watch her, but look after yourself.

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