In shock, mixed signals

[goldie800]

About a month ago, my husband started acting very distant, and blamed it on the extreme stress he felt due to our impending home purchase. On July 28, we closed on our home and spent the whole weekend moving and unpacking. I told him I hoped that he would feel better now, since we were now in the home.

 

After a few days, I noticed the distance continuing, but additionally noticed him paying attention to his diet and acting very protective of his phone. I confronted him about the phone thing a few times and he said he "wasn't cheating on me". I thought maybe I was paranoid, since he was being so distant, and tried to let it go. A few days later, I could not get the nagging feeling that something was wrong out of my head and confronted him again. This time, he blew up at me, asked me why it mattered (since I did so many shady things in our relationship, I was neglectful, I always argued with him, treated him like my employee instead of a partner) and said he would leave right now if I didn't stop with the accusations. I asked him if he was bipolar -- he was just acting like a monster -- and he attacked me again. I stepped back, apologized for accusing him and let it go.

 

When I went into the other room, my 12 yr old daughter told me she needed to talk to me. She said she noticed her dad acting weird on the phone and sending someone kissy-face emojis and pictures. She thought it was me at first, but once she noticed it was NOT me - she got very upset, but was too scared to say something. I ran into our bedroom, tried to rip the phone out of his hands and told him I knew he was cheating on me. He denied it all and then blamed me for getting our daughter involved (even though he was sloppy and did this in front of our children). I asked him if he wanted to work on the marriage at that point, and he said no. I told him if he was to continue speaking to this woman, and didn't want to work on the marriage, he needed to leave our home (mind you - we had owned it no more than 2 weeks at this point).

 

The following day, he left, and has been sleeping in his car and motels for the last 3 weeks. He comes to the house after he gets out of work (when I'm at work) to shower and sometimes see the kids. I eventually did find out who this woman is, and she's someone he knows from high school - but doesn't live in the same state (or at least I don't think she does). She has blocked me from Facebook, even though he nor her have any idea that I know who she is.

 

Over the last 3 weeks that he's been gone, we've gone from ignoring each other and him acting very stubborn and proud, to us sleeping together, to finding out he called her IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN and now me doing 180 actions - such as taking the initiative to paint our new home, doing things with and for the kids without him, getting my hair and nails done, losing weight and going out with my friends.

 

This week, a few walls have seemed to break down -- he's been hugging and kissing me, telling me how impressed he is by me, telling me I'm amazing, etc. A few days ago, he came to the house, hugged me and started breaking down crying. I asked him what was wrong and told him he could talk to me. He couldn't stop crying and finally said that he is feeling so many emotions when he sees/thinks about the kids, or even when he smells my perfume. I told him I understood why he felt like that and said this was a difficult situation. Told him the kids and I missed him and the house was not the same without him. We continued to hug and kiss and he whispered maybe he was bipolar. I told him I had his back, I was his wife and he was my family. I told him I loved him and he said it back. His kisses and hugs were more passionate than what I've felt in the last few weeks, but I still felt he was holding back.

 

He left the house shortly thereafter, but before he left, he kissed me and we said I love you. After he left, he called her (I've been checking phone records).

 

Yesterday, we slept together. Today, I found a picture of H and OW (posted by her) on Facebook with the caption "Never been happier". I feel disgusted and cannot believe this is happening to my life.

 

I want to send him the picture and tell him I'm done. And I want to tell her that I know about her too. I don't know if this falls into the 180/DB rules, but WTF. This is out of control. I don't know if that will help me reach my end goals of reconciliation, but I want him to wake the hell up and come home.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He left the house shortly thereafter, but before he left, he kissed me and we said I love you. After he left, he called her (I've been checking phone records).

 

Yesterday, we slept together. Today, I found a picture of H and OW (posted by her) on Facebook with the caption "Never been happier". I feel disgusted and cannot believe this is happening to my life.

 

 

Whhhaaaaattt?? Wow, that is low.

 

I thought you guys didn't live in the same state....how often does he see her?

[somanymistakes]

You don't sound 'done' if you're still hoping he'll come home. After treating you like that?

 

He may be getting the idea he can do whatever he likes and you'll still welcome him whenever he feels like getting into your bed.

[stillafool]

 

I want to send him the picture and tell him I'm done. And I want to tell her that I know about her too. I don't know if this falls into the 180/DB rules, but WTF. This is out of control. I don't know if that will help me reach my end goals of reconciliation, but I want him to wake the hell up and come home.

 

So why haven't you? It sounds like he is in love with 2 women and feeling guilty and confused. Confront them already!

[goldie800]

Whhhaaaaattt?? Wow, that is low.

 

I thought you guys didn't live in the same state....how often does he see her?

 

I guess she came for Labor Day weekend, and I assume this is the first time they've seen each other since the affair started.

[goldie800]

So why haven't you? It sounds like he is in love with 2 women and feeling guilty and confused. Confront them already!

 

I want to.. and I probably will -- I'm just terrified, honestly. I'm so upset and cannot believe this is happening to my life.

[SunnyWeather]

I guess she came for Labor Day weekend, and I assume this is the first time they've seen each other since the affair started.

 

That's messed up. I'm so sorry. It's time to save your dignity and kick him to the curb, your marriage is not worth salvaging anymore, and you deserve better. It's time to show him and your children what you're made of.

 

Lawyer up and get your ducks in a row. Best not to confront him with what you know until you are in a better position.

 

sorry again. this sucks

[WilyWill]

You've been far to accommodating. He thinks of you as a doormat that he can always step on, and it's because you continue to let him fall back on you.

 

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. It's possible to reconcile with him, but only if you take some very severe steps, and if he's willing to make the necessary changes to himself.

 

Expose the woman to her parents, telling them that her daughter is having an affair with a married man. Send them a picture of the Facebook post for proof.

 

Ask the lawyer if there's any way to keep him out of the house, or control his visitation schedule. Your husband should not be under the impression that it's okay to come home anytime he wants.

 

If you choose to reconcile with him, you must lay out very specific restrictions: he is to go completely no contact with her, keep all his devices available to you, and get some of therapy to determine what is wrong with him. You might also consider having him sign a post-nuptial agreement that gives you a very favorable settlement in the event of repeated infidelity.

[lostgirl87]

You've been far to accommodating. He thinks of you as a doormat that he can always step on, and it's because you continue to let him fall back on you.

 

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. It's possible to reconcile with him, but only if you take some very severe steps, and if he's willing to make the necessary changes to himself.

 

Expose the woman to her parents, telling them that her daughter is having an affair with a married man. Send them a picture of the Facebook post for proof.

 

Ask the lawyer if there's any way to keep him out of the house, or control his visitation schedule. Your husband should not be under the impression that it's okay to come home anytime he wants.

 

If you choose to reconcile with him, you must lay out very specific restrictions: he is to go completely no contact with her, keep all his devices available to you, and get some of therapy to determine what is wrong with him. You might also consider having him sign a post-nuptial agreement that gives you a very favorable settlement in the event of repeated infidelity.

How childish to advise OP to expose the OW to her parents. Is she a 12 year old?? And there's nothing to expose if the husband has moved out and is out in public with this woman and allowing pictures of them to be posted.

 

Sorry OP, there's not much marriage left to save. Your husband moved out, goes back to sleep with you but leaves shortly after ( probably bc his girlfriend isn't in the same town). You can't allow your own husband to use you! Find your dignity and file for divorce. Maybe he'll "wake up" and decide he wants to stay with you but maybe not. Don't count on that. File to free yourself and to allow yourself to move on and find happiness! At this point you are your husband's second choice. That's unacceptable! And what's worse is you know and see all the interaction he has with this other woman and you are allowing it. Don't get sucked in. Don't let yourself suffer anymore. I can't imagine how difficult it is but it's worse to hold on to something and fight for something alone. Keep your head up and fund that strength. I know you have it.

 

Good Luck!

[anika99]

I'm not sure that you understand the 180 concept. Yes it includes making your own plans and doing things for yourself but it also means cutting out all unnecessary contact with your husband until he has fully chosen to put his marriage first and cut the OW 100% out of his life. You think taking care of the house and kids all by yourself while allowing him to come and go as he pleases and still having sex with him is doing the 180? No, that's called enabling and helping him have his cake and eat it too.

 

You can't allow this to go on. You can't let him have 2 women at his beck and call. As long as he is in contact with the OW you do not discuss anything with him that is not directly related to the kids. You do not allow him to cry on you and whine about his feelings while he is still happily involved with the OW. You do not have sex with him or comfort him. What you are doing right now is not called the 180, it's called the "please pick me" dance. You are helping him get over his guilt about leaving while he is steadily moving closer to being with the OW. You are making it easier for him to cheat and ultimately divorce you for another woman.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this and your reluctance to cut him off is totally understandable, but if he's going to ditch you for another woman there is nothing you can do to stop him. Don't let him destroy your pride and self respect as well as the marriage.

[pheonixrisen]

If you are kissing/hugging /I love you...you are really not doing the 180 ...now he thinks he can do the back and forth .you are available .she is available .

 

You cannot make him stop the affair .

He needs to come to the realization himself.

 

He may or he may not.

 

Do tell ..show him the pic and close the door on him ...this is not easy but what choice you have

 

 

Save the pictures with caption etc.../phone records etc. Meet an attorney know your rights

And file you may not need the divorce protect your self and your children .Buckle you belt you are in for a huge emotional rollercoaster ride .its not easy but we all got past it.

[Whoknew30]

Why are you having sex with him, when he blatantly left you? You're not going win anything by doing that, he just gets to have sex with two women & both know...what a consequence for him!!!

 

You have to play it tough, either he leaves or comes back, either way you're not just sitting their behaving desperately for your own husband. If you want him back you're gonna to have to have self respect & make him really work for it...if not this isn't going to stop for a long time & your self confidence is going to be destroyed. You have the power over your own situation now that you know...don't give it up to him. Good luck!!!

[WilyWill]

How childish to advise OP to expose the OW to her parents. Is she a 12 year old?? And there's nothing to expose if the husband has moved out and is out in public with this woman and allowing pictures of them to be posted.

 

Not childish at all, and her age is irrelevant. The idea is to put pressure on the affair from all sides. No-one should be in a relationship they are ashamed of, so shine the light of day on it. If she is accountable to her parents and her parents have traditional or religious values, they will put this pressure on her to end it. It's unlikely that aging parents use Facebook, so they might be completely in the dark about their daughter's activities.

 

Odd that you would prefer to allow their little secret to continue in the name of empowered feminism or some such nonsense.

 

I should have added that OP should also expose the affair to her husband's parents if they are not already aware of it. Let truth prevail.

[lostgirl87]

Not childish at all, and her age is irrelevant. The idea is to put pressure on the affair from all sides. No-one should be in a relationship they are ashamed of, so shine the light of day on it. If she is accountable to her parents and her parents have traditional or religious values, they will put this pressure on her to end it. It's unlikely that aging parents use Facebook, so they might be completely in the dark about their daughter's activities.

 

Odd that you would prefer to allow their little secret to continue in the name of empowered feminism or some such nonsense.

 

I should have added that OP should also expose the affair to her husband's parents if they are not already aware of it. Let truth prevail.

That's the thing- they're not ashamed! They're posting photos on social media! He has moved out of the home and hasn't tried to come back except for sex and some family time. Once he gets his fix, he leaves again.

 

You're trying to scare or pressure these two adults into giving each other up b/c other people don't approve. Trust me, that won't work when two people really want to be together. And again, this isn't a man doing everything he can to please his wife and apologize and begging to stay in the house. He is someone who willingly left. These little "tell people so they can be so ashamed that they break up and he stays with the spouse" tactics won't work. And even if it did, is that really how people want to keep a spouse??

 

They're no longer living a secret: she is posting photos of them as a couple and saying how happy she is. This man is willingly taking photos with her and I'm sure he knows she posted it. People of all ages are on Facebook or social media these days so I say it's more likely than not that her family has already seen these photos. Maybe they don't know the extent of his marital situation but maybe they do. And again, him leaving the marital home says a lot.

[Bufo]

There is no way to predict how this will play out. So, as repetitive as I get with this suggestion, see a lawyer to learn about divorce, child support, asset division, custody and visitation, debt division and what post divorce life will probably look like. Knowledge is power. Don't base your life on what some girlfriend' s sister did or got in her divorce.

 

Don't know where you live, but if your move was to another state you may have to be a resident there for a certain period of time before you can file for divorce.

 

I'm not suggesting that you should rush into divorce. But having this consultation can reduce the fear factor. Remember the saying here: you can't reconcile with an unremorseful spouse. From what you have posted he doesn't sound remorseful. Especially since he's still in his affair.

[aileD]

That's the thing- they're not ashamed! They're posting photos on social media! He has moved out of the home and hasn't tried to come back except for sex and some family time. Once he gets his fix, he leaves again.

 

You're trying to scare or pressure these two adults into giving each other up b/c other people don't approve. Trust me, that won't work when two people really want to be together. And again, this isn't a man doing everything he can to please his wife and apologize and begging to stay in the house. He is someone who willingly left. These little "tell people so they can be so ashamed that they break up and he stays with the spouse" tactics won't work. And even if it did, is that really how people want to keep a spouse??

 

They're no longer living a secret: she is posting photos of them as a couple and saying how happy she is. This man is willingly taking photos with her and I'm sure he knows she posted it. People of all ages are on Facebook or social media these days so I say it's more likely than not that her family has already seen these photos. Maybe they don't know the extent of his marital situation but maybe they do. And again, him leaving the marital home says a lot.

 

Why don't you send her a message on Facebookand let her know that you're still sleeping with your husband and he's playing both sides of the fence and you just thought she should know. If you need a fake Facebook account I have one you can borrow lol

[l8estnews]

I am also in shock. That you are still sleeping with him. The old me would say "why the F are you still with your hubby?!" But now I've learned that it's much more complex than that.

 

Think about your options (but staying with your husband should never be a part of it), and choose the BEST option for you AND your kids. Yes, lawyer up and ditch this guy as soon as you are well-informed of your options.

[MrVegas]

Agree with all the above saying to get a lawyer. You need to know your rights and the next steps to take. He has seen to it that your relationship is dead, better to start planning the funeral than resurrecting the corpse. Alimony, child support, visitation and access, so much needs sorting out that you want to be the one taking the lead on it. Plus be aware of what the laws are pertaining to your husbands ability to take your child out of state. Should he run to her, you don't want a cross-state custody battle.

 

One further thing, since she came into state and they saw each other, you should assume they did more than see each other. Get yourself tested.

 

MV

[MidnightBlue1980]

Why don't you send her a message on Facebookand let her know that you're still sleeping with your husband and he's playing both sides of the fence and you just thought she should know. If you need a fake Facebook account I have one you can borrow lol

 

I don't normally post here but I agree with this, except don't be passive with a fake FB account. Full disclosure, both my husband and I had an affair except my H filled the OW's head with a bunch of nonsense. I texted her and told her the truth about a bunch of things (being vague to not t/j). It changed the course of his relationship with her, which was a bunch of rainbows and unicorns, and it steadily went downhill, ending 2 months later.

 

I 1000% think you should tell this woman you know of her existence and that you are still sleeping with him. You have no idea what bunch of baloney he has told her. Whether or not you want to keep him after he comes crawling back (and they all do), that's up to you but the truth will set you free. I'm not so sure about telling her parents, that is kinda ick, but I sure as heck reached right out to her directly, and it did the trick.

[aileD]

I suggested the fake account only because she mentioned that the woman blocked her on Facebook

[Ahurtgirl]

Walk away from him as fast as possible. Save yourself from future heartache. Disclosing private information about their situation to others is something she could place a lawsuit against you for. Do you really want to keep a man who you know is capable of cheating? Good guys don't cheat especially in front of their children!

Edited September 6, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[wmacbride]

Forget about all the external crap and get right to the heart of it.

 

It's not about his ow, it's not even about him. It's about you and what sort of treatment you deserves.

 

Right now, he is not capable of treating you with even basic human decency. I don't know why. He could be going through something mentally, he could be confused, he may feel like he's burnt all his bridges and can't go back and by staying with the ow as a sort of "consolation prize" and at least he will have someone...or he could just be a jerk who is laughing behind both your backs because he's able to have two women chasing after him.

 

That's good for his ego, but it's terrible for you.

 

I know it's hard, but you have to be strong. You are a mom, and you are modeling what relationships are like for your kids. Do you really want them to see this? Do you want them to think that someone can treat you badly and you'll still keep hanging on?

 

Before you see him or speak to him again, try doing this. Have a friend who you really trust get together with you for an evening. Hash out your marriage and the way your wh has been acting. Get her feedback, and then work out a list for the reasons to try and keep your marriage together. If you feel you need to move on, then do so, but not before speaking with a lawyer. Once you have, act on any advice you have been given.

 

If you feel like reconciliation id what you want, still see a lawyer first and explain the situation. Get legal advice so that you know your rights and obligations. Next, make a list of what you need from your husband. Once you feel string enough, ask him to meet you somewhere public like a restaurant or cafe, and hash it all out with him. If you are somewhere public, it can keep the conversation from going off track and prevent outbursts. Keep yourself firmly in the driver's seat. After all, the talk isn't all about him. It's about you and what you need.

 

Tell him that, if he isn't 100 ready to commit to you, attend marriage counseling and family counseling ( your daughter has been through a tough time too, especially where she saw evidence of the affair) then he needs to walk away now and leave you alone. He has had plenty of time to think about all of this, so any hesitation on his part is unwarranted. If he doesn't know by now what he wants, he never will.

 

Be strong,be kind to yourself and seek comfort from your friends and fmaily. You will get through all of this.

 

About the picture? Meh. Sounds to me its more like a "look at me, look at us, aren't we happy" attempt to convince herself that all is well.My guess is that he's hurt her too.

[sandylee1]

Don't let him take you for a fool. You are not doing the 180 by a long shot.

Edited September 6, 2017 by sandylee1
Typo

[merrmeade]

This is just too embarrassing. Of course, that's because I see my own contradictions and ridiculous gullibility when I was at about the same point in time post d-day. I wasn't putting up with the back and forth between the OW and myself but it's no different—ifyou believe that he's staying with you because he realizes what an awful mistake he made. His staying is about nothing more than self-preservation and saving face.

 

180 means you stay in your own world and don't let up the first time he declares what a great woman you are and what a fool he was, yadayada. Those are words. He's good at knowing what to say to get the reaction he wants. He's good at manipulating you and you're helping him.

 

It's worked and you've given in several times already, which is confusing to everyone, including yourself. Even if he were going to wake up disgusted with himself, it wouldn't happen this soon. And by letting him continue his duplicity between the two women, you're making the possibility of genuine remorse, redemption and renewal ever more remote.

 

He's got to lose everything to realize what he had. Right now he's still got both worlds.

[Doublegold]

I want to.. and I probably will -- I'm just terrified, honestly. I'm so upset and cannot believe this is happening to my life.

 

It took your 12 year old daughter seeing what you already knew for you to even address it?

 

This isn't "happening" to your life HE is happening to your life. And yah maybe he is bipolar--he's also cheating on you.