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My alternative to a sexless marriage


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 30th August 2017, 10:26 AM   #61
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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
I never said I knew she would be fine with anything. I mentioned early in this thread that she made a half-hearted comment about not wanting to know. I don't constitute that with being fine with anything.
I still think that is a chance you should take. It is the only up-standing thing to do in this situation. You feel good right now and will justify your actions because you feel good. There will come a time when you won't like looking at yourself in the mirror.

I say that...but then again, you did unapologetically post this, as if we might appreciate your "solution" to a sexless marriage. So maybe you are fine with it.

I don't begrudge someone their desire for intimacy, but I do think people taking what they want, no matter the cost and no matter the boundaries they smash, are the reasons marriages end. Justify it all you want. OP, your wife is also wrong. You are ruining your marriage together.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:44 AM   #62
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I still think that is a chance you should take. It is the only up-standing thing to do in this situation. ...

I don't begrudge someone their desire for intimacy, but I do think people taking what they want, no matter the cost and no matter the boundaries they smash, are the reasons marriages end. Justify it all you want. OP, your wife is also wrong. You are ruining your marriage together.
That's the key: they are ruining the marriage together. They've both assumed this risk, so they're both okay with it. And it wouldn't be a bad thing if it blows up and they divorce, but I suspect that she doesn't want that any more than he does. I am in favor of honesty and integrity, but I am also okay with doing to others as they do to you, when no more good can be achieved by applying integrity or constraint. This is one of those situations, IMO.


She's already abandoned the marriage, and I would not fault him if he took his solution to a much greater level of intimacy with someone else. At this point, the marriage is only one of convenience for them both. Contrary to the politically correct view, I think there are some limited circumstances where cheating is a reasonable choice. It would be better if they negotiated a semi-open marriage agreement, though - and I would still advocate for that option, despite the risks.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:50 AM   #63
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That's the key: they are ruining the marriage together. They've both assumed this risk, so they're both okay with it. And it wouldn't be a bad thing if it blows up and they divorce, but I suspect that she doesn't want that any more than he does. I am in favor of honesty and integrity, but I am also okay with doing to others as they do to you, when no more good can be achieved by applying integrity or constraint. This is one of those situations, IMO.


She's already abandoned the marriage, and I would not fault him if he took his solution to a much greater level of intimacy with someone else. At this point, the marriage is only one of convenience for them both. Contrary to the politically correct view, I think there are some limited circumstances where cheating is a reasonable choice. It would be better if they negotiated a semi-open marriage agreement, though - and I would still advocate for that option, despite the risks.
This. I think rebuke would be easier to take if people actually CARED what he has gone through for 10 years. But then again, there are people who think sex is...trivial. I don't understand why people like that bother marrying, but hey, to each his own.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:51 AM   #64
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Originally Posted by Southern Sun View Post
I say that...but then again, you did unapologetically post this, as if we might appreciate your "solution" to a sexless marriage. So maybe you are fine with it.

I don't begrudge someone their desire for intimacy, but I do think people taking what they want, no matter the cost and no matter the boundaries they smash, are the reasons marriages end. Justify it all you want. OP, your wife is also wrong. You are ruining your marriage together.
In a way I am fine with it, as I am pretty sure I can keep this going, maybe once a month, and at least have an outlet for my desire for some sexual fun with something other than my hand.

I also know that this is a slippery slope and, like everything in life, there are chances of negative consequences.

After 10 years of going back and forth, I don't know if I want to add drama or continue to beg for scraps of affection. hugging me and spooning when we sleep doesn't get it. Half the time when we are spooning, I get partially erect and I know she can feel it. She never tries to "help."

If our marriage wasn't great in every other way, I would have no problem with leaving. I divorced 10 years before we met. At this stage, with a house, savings, families intertwined, my self employment really taking off in the last 5 years, I am not sure if this one issue is worth blowing up my whole life and everything I have worked for. I am not sure if it worth losing probably 100-150k and moving to some ****ty apartment. My family and my daughter would be devastated.

I know it is not the best option, but if I can sustain myself on a monthly hour long handjob and she doesn't have to deal with the depression that comes with trying to fake sexual desire that she doesn't have, is it really such a horrible thing? I could be banging one of her friends or something like that. This is very discreet and the chance of catching something is about as little as it can get, for sexual activity.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:59 AM   #65
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I'm not trying to talk you into divorce, but does your wife work? I won't go into specifics, but my ex's refusal to even try to meet my needs for intimacy (along with a lot of other things) is part of the reason for our divorce. We both knew we hadn't been perfect, and no one pushed for half of anyone else's stuff. Not every woman is going to demand half of what you've worked for, especially if she has the character to admit she is partially or primarily responsible for the breakdown.
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Old 30th August 2017, 11:01 AM   #66
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^^^That is not true.

Reading further content from the OP, I found it confusing. In their first post they stated:

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I have tried many times to talk to her about my need for touching, kissing, and intimacy, but she has no interest. I am not talking about mentioning it 3 times. I have tried repeatedly over a decade.
That was what I prefaced my initial reply on, regarding intimacy, especially focusing on the denial of over a decade.

Further posts either clarified or backed off that assertion.

It appears they've developed a routine that works for them. Not my cuppa but each couple owns their marriage and no one else has to live it. Fortunately they received some good feedback in the thread. What they do with it is up to them.

Someone mentioned 'abandoned'. However, the OP, IMO, isn't posting as being 'abandoned', rather sexually deprived but with an otherwise 'great marriage'. OK, cool, they can delineate that specificity. I don't know that I could, and didn't in my M. Different strokes.
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Old 30th August 2017, 11:08 AM   #67
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Someone mentioned 'abandoned'. However, the OP, IMO, isn't posting as being 'abandoned', rather sexually deprived but with an otherwise 'great marriage'. OK, cool, they can delineate that specificity. I don't know that I could, and didn't in my M. Different strokes.
This is a good point. I might have been able to say my marriage was "good otherwise" for a while, but as the sexlessness and lack of intimacy continued, the loneliness, pain, rejection, and resentment from that colored everything. Kind of like saying "I have gangrene in my leg, but the rest of me is fine!" If you don't treat the leg, you won;t be fine forever.

So is it better or worse to kill a marriage with slow moving gangrene or one giant stab? Or in the end, does it even matter?
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Old 30th August 2017, 11:43 AM   #68
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OP Google "responsive sexual desire".
Many many women need to see passion and desire in their man, and need to be "warmed up" in order to get aroused.
Prior to her surgeries maybe you were "warming her up" regularly and afterwards maybe were you holding back due to the pain and her general low mood. With no real arousal on her side, she probably just got bored, "sex" became a chore and then she shut down completely.

YOU are so close to having a great marriage, and yet so far, the only thing it is missing is apparently a hand job once a month, so if your wife was to give you that hand job would that be enough for you? or is the presence of this younger, probably sexier woman you are paying for (that can be a turn on in itself) now necessary?
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Old 30th August 2017, 11:46 AM   #69
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
OP Google "responsive sexual desire".
Many many women need to see passion and desire in their man, and need to be "warmed up" in order to get aroused.
Prior to her surgeries maybe you were "warming her up" regularly and afterwards maybe were you holding back due to the pain and her general low mood. With no real arousal on her side, she probably just got bored, "sex" became a chore and then she shut down completely.

YOU are so close to having a great marriage, and yet so far, the only thing it is missing is apparently a hand job once a month, so if your wife was to give you that hand job would that be enough for you? or is the presence of this younger, probably sexier woman you are paying for (that can be a turn on in itself) now necessary?
This post is full of what are probably incorrect assumptions. I have been where the OP is. Sometimes it really IS the fault of the depriving spouse.
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Old 30th August 2017, 11:57 AM   #70
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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
I really appreciate all the conversation and advice. I really do. Thank you everyone.

I just don't know if I am willing at this time to take a chance of blowing up my entire life, just because I decided in the safest way possible to have a few great orgasms and treat myself to some fun, after 10 years of virtually nothing but my hand and porn videos.

Is that moment of honesty and "seeing if she is ok with it" worth more than my home, my life savings, and everything I have worked so hard for AND the possibility of the complete dismantling of my life?
Only you know the answer to that.

Do you feel you can keep this secret, or do you feel that it might start to eat away at you?

I'm not just concerned for your wife, but you as well. If you are, at heart, an honest person, can keeping a long term secret like this eventually get to you?

Whatever you decide, I do wish both you and your wife happiness in your lives.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:08 PM   #71
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This post is full of what are probably incorrect assumptions. I have been where the OP is. Sometimes it really IS the fault of the depriving spouse.
Agreed.

Seems like a misandrist's point of view. Since the OP is male, must find a way to put the blame and responsibility on him.

Without considering that ... sometimes ... people simply ARE deprived in their marriages. Men and women can be deprived. Men and women can be depriving.

It happens.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:13 PM   #72
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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
I just wanted to talk to some people I don't know and get objective opinions. That is all. I never said I won't take any advice offered on this thread. I am taking it all in, thinking hard about the options and trying to weigh the consequences of each option.

I am not 100% sure how I will play this out. I am not even sure if my erotic massages are "the solution." They have sure helped with a lot of the depression and anxiety of being horny all the time, with no outlet to act on it.
Whatever you decide, I would expect that, just as this problem was a long time building, it could be a long time repairing the damage from it.

A poster mentioned that insisting on counseling should be a "make it or break it" issue. What would happen if you just made an appointment and insisted she go. Don't ask her, just insist. There are even web based therapists who you can get counseling with in your own home.


I can feel in your words how much you love your wife, and I also believe she loves you right back. I can also feel how much you are hurting. I know you want to keep your marriage intact, and that might mean you have to be really firm with her. There is every possibility that, once she actually tried counseling and sees that it can help, she may be more willing to participate.

My spouse and I saw a coupe of counselors after he had an affair. the first was was crap ( we saw her out walking with the guy she was cheating on he husband with) but the second one was wonderful. One of the first things she told us was that she wasn't there to tell us who's right or wrong, as it wasn't about that. it was about us sorting through our issues because we loved each other enough to try. As she put it, she was simply a neutral thrid party who was there to help us find our way.

I'm not sure if you are religious or not, but if she won;t go to see a counselor, do you think she'd feel better about the tow of you seeking help from your pastor or someone else from where you worship? Are there any sort of "marriage retreats" in your area you two could participate in? I'm just asking as if there are, could that be a way to sort of gently introduce her to the idea that getting some outside help can be beneficial?

Sorry to ramble, but it makes me sad to see a guy who loves his wife, and who's wife loves him, reach a place like this.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:18 PM   #73
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Um....because I actually read everything he wrote, I'll point out that he has said repeatedly that his wife will not give him ANY affection, no touch, no hand jobs, nada.

You can knock his choice all you want, but it's interesting how SILENT people are about the flat out wrongness of denying someone intimacy for TEN YEARS.

Hypocrisy abounds.
That isn't hat he said.

he said she does touch him, cuddle with him at night, hug him, etc.

It's the sexual aspect she doesn't do.

To me, this makes this situation even sadder for both of them.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:24 PM   #74
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With no real arousal on her side, she probably just got bored, "sex" became a chore and then she shut down completely.

YOU are so close to having a great marriage, and yet so far, the only thing it is missing is apparently a hand job once a month, so if your wife was to give you that hand job would that be enough for you? or is the presence of this younger, probably sexier woman you are paying for (that can be a turn on in itself) now necessary?
I have tried extra hard to "warm her up." Romantic settings, taking care of things like shopping, cleaning, and laundry, so she had nothing to do when she came home from work and may be more relaxed, bed & breakfast 2 day getaways, dinner and a night out on the town, a trip to Hilton Head, etc.

I think thoughts of sex, or arousal, causes her to become depressed, because she knows she has medical issues that limit her performing. I think she tries to avoid being depressed. She is usually pretty upbeat and is not a loathing, unhappy, depressed person. She does become that way when this one thing surfaces. Again, I have tried so much and nothing has worked, which makes me want to just say **** it and do what I am doing, although I know that is not the best way to handle the situation.

If my wife would give me something other than a lackluster handjob, where she looks and acts like she is cleaning a counter, I would be happy. If she would act flirty, sexy, kiss me passionately, and give me a long, sexy massage and handjob, even a few times a month, that would work for me. Hell, if she bought something like a fleshlight and started using it on me, that would make me happy. Anything to release my sexual urges, where it is actually fun and not boring. She has never been into oral, much to my chagrin, even though I used to love doing oral on her, so that is probably not an option.

The masseuse is thin and attractive, but I am more attracted to my wife, who is also thin and attractive. The masseuse is not a bombshell, but she is not unsightly either. She is great at what she does, she is fun, flirty, engaging, very sympathetic to my situation, and knows really well how to give the best massage ever. She introduced me to edging, kind of by accident, which is something I never heard about. It is unlike anything I have experienced.

I am there because it has been forever since I have had fun and explosive orgasms and fun, sexy, attention. She provides this and has wildly exceeded my expectations, with her willingness to do a few extra things that make it super exciting for me.

If my wife did these things, or showed an interest in learning what she could do to make it sexy for me, I would be elated and would drop the masseuse in a heartbeat.

I would not choose this situation, over having my needs met at home, but it does appear to be the safest and best alternative to blowing up everything and leaving someone I deeply care about. After trying for so long, I honestly don't think I will ever succeed in getting her to be happy about participating. How do you get someone to be horny if their brain isn't cooperating? How can anyone conjure up sexual desire if she mentally doesn't have it? The masseuse is an unexpectedly fun alternative that at least has given me some fun naked time, which I haven't had in forever. I was very tired of feeling like I was bursting at the seems and tired of hiding away to watch porn and masturbate.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:40 PM   #75
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op,


I'll tell you something I don't really like to talk about, because maybe it might help you understand her thoughts a bit better.

For us, me giving oral sex to my spouse isn't gong to happen. It's not I don't want to, it's that, due to a serious issue with my jaw, I can't open my mouth more than an couple of cm without being in excruciating pain. Hell, I have to be put under completely to even get any any dental work done, and my face is swollen up ad I end up living off liquids for a week afterwards.

To be honest, at first, that made me fee so bad. My husband really loves oral sex, And I felt terrible I couldn't do that for him. I felt like an absolute failure. I couldn't do the one thing a guy woudl ( and should) expect his wife to be able to. That can put a wife's self esteem in the toilet.

My husband, like you, was really good about it. he didn't pick, he didn't make snide remarks or put any pressure on me at all. He was doing his best, but he didn't know what to say. I didn't know what I needed to hear. It was a huge mess. I kept wondering why any guy would want to be with a woman who can't do that. I know it makes no sense, but things like this often don't.

I almost never drink, but one night we had both had a few drinks when when were out at a function. After the cab ride home, we both had a few more drinks, and I don't even know how we got on the topic , but we were actually able to talk about it. I explained to him why I had been feeling so bad, and he told me that he would be okay if we never did that again, so long as we were intimate in other ways.

Twenty years and three kids later, we are still together. I have much better pain meds. now, and while oral sex still can't happen, we do have a very active sex life in other ways. I'm not going to fool myself into thinking he doesn't miss oral sex, but as he put it, there's lots of other things we can do.

I don't think you are some sleazy guy who is just out sneaking around behind his wife's back. You are a husband who obviously loves his wife very much. If you didn't, you wouldn't be on here seeking help or sharing your story.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a dumb question, but does your wife know that, to you, her being sexually intimate with you lets you know how much she loves you, and even if its not intercourse, you will be happy, not just for the sexual release but because it's a tangible way for her to show you how much she loves you and cares? i know it may sound silly, but is it possible she's lost sight of that somehow?
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