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My alternative to a sexless marriage


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 30th August 2017, 8:33 AM   #46
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What is your wife's view of how your marriage lost sexual intimacy?

From what you say, it what due to pain after surgery, etc. If you ask her, point blank, why she is no longer interested in sex, what does she say? I get that she may not want to have full out intercourse, but surely, if she can cuddle up to you in bed at night, she could be intimate with you in other ways too.

I know this may sound like I am making an excuse for her, but is it possible she feels like she's failing you somehow because she can't give you full out sex? I'm not trying to say you ever said anything purposely to make her feel that way at all, but is it possible that's how she feels?

From what you say, in pretty near every other area, your marriage is fine, and you love each other. This why I'm not understanding why she has gotten this way. It sounds like she knows you understand that full out sex isn't possible for her, and you are okay with that. You just want sexual intimacy of any kind.

This is why I really think you should insist on counseling for the two of you. There might be something else going on here, and from what you say, you are she are open with each other and communicate well about other areas. Why is this one such a problem for her? My guess? Her self esteem and sense of worth a a woman may well be shot to hell. That's not your fault, and I know it doesn't make any sense, but if the roles were reversed,a man who was impotent might well feel the same way. That doesn't excuse her behavior but maybe it could be a starting point for a conversation?

I know it may not seem like it, but you could be on a slippery slope with the masseuse. She isn't just a "professional" you see, she is a friend and if the two of your are talking about your lives together, you are building a connection with her. While her "services" may be a stopgap measure, do you believe it's sustainable? Is it really solving the problem for you?

This is why I really recommend you talk to your wife about what you are doing. Not only because, if she finds out in any other way than from you, you may as well kiss your marriage goodbye anyway-she'll likely never trust you again. If you tell her, yes, it's going to hurt her, but at least the issue will be out in the open and she'll know just how important this is for you. She may well be very hurt and very angry, but tbh, many women who have a ws ( let's be honest here, you're cheating on her) are able to work past the cheating and move forward with their wh/ww in a healthier marriage.

Whatever you decide, you sound like a really nice guy who loves his wife. I sounds to me like , if she was willing, you'd much rather be with her than the masseuse. I hope you are able to make that happen.
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Old 30th August 2017, 8:47 AM   #47
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Whatever you decide, you sound like a really nice guy who loves his wife. I sounds to me like , if she was willing, you'd much rather be with her than the masseuse. I hope you are able to make that happen.
Thank you. I would much rather be with her. I have talked a lot about doing other things besides full on intercourse. She will try once in a great while, but I know her heart isn't in it. She dies it just because I am bringing it up and she knows I am super horny. She just doesn't have the mental desire for whatever reason. I know from the few times we have tried to have sex, that it is very painful for her. I don't ask anymore, because it depresses me to watch her try to pretend to be into something, when she has no desire.

I wish I knew her exact reasons. I think she is just depressed about her inability to have sex and feels like a failure when she tries to do other things, even though I have been as supportive as I possibly can.
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Old 30th August 2017, 9:06 AM   #48
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If this was a man he could go to the doctor and get Viagra, sometimes that works, in my husband's case past surgery makes it painful for him to get an erection, we live with it, it isn't what I would choose, we had a very active sex life before his surgery. He has psychological issues also, for women, there is no viagra type drug, mainly because of the notion that women don't need to desire sex, all very odd.

My H has often said he would understand if I went someplace for sex, he might say that, but his heart would be broken if I took that step. Personally, I choose not to, I would view it as being unfaithful, but, that's me, my choice. I would discuss it with your wife as she too should have the choice of staying in a marriage where her husband goes elsewhere for sexual gratification. Many are saying she chooses to withhold sex, I note you still have intimacy and still love. I would afford her the choice of staying with you knowing of tour massage visits, the same choice you have to stay or leave a marriage without sex. but that is my view, someone in the same situation. You do what sits right with you, but don't lie to yourself that what you are doing is better for her if she doesn't know. Informed choice is often all we have, it is the right of everyone to make a decision about their life based upon that. I hope it works out well for you both.
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Old 30th August 2017, 9:11 AM   #49
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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
Thank you. I would much rather be with her. I have talked a lot about doing other things besides full on intercourse. She will try once in a great while, but I know her heart isn't in it. She dies it just because I am bringing it up and she knows I am super horny. She just doesn't have the mental desire for whatever reason. I know from the few times we have tried to have sex, that it is very painful for her. I don't ask anymore, because it depresses me to watch her try to pretend to be into something, when she has no desire.

I wish I knew her exact reasons. I think she is just depressed about her inability to have sex and feels like a failure when she tries to do other things, even though I have been as supportive as I possibly can.
I have to tell you that I respect how willing you are to try and sort this out with her. That speaks volumes about how much you care for her.

This is just a shot in the dark, but is she able to enjoy non PIV sexual intimacy for herself? Is that painful for her as well, or can she enjoy it?

From my understanding of what you say she has tried, a few times, to be intimate with you, but it didn't feel right to you. If you ask her about it, what does she say?

From what you say, in pretty near every other way, she is a good and loving wife who shows you she cares in lots of ways. This is why I really believe there could be some really deep seated reasons why this is going on that is a lot more than her just withholding sex. Like I said before, I hope you two can work this out.

I know this might sound far fetched, but if she loves you, she may actually be okay with you seeing a professional for "release". I don't know.

Last edited by wmacbride; 30th August 2017 at 9:16 AM..
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Old 30th August 2017, 9:35 AM   #50
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I really appreciate all the conversation and advice. I really do. Thank you everyone.

I just don't know if I am willing at this time to take a chance of blowing up my entire life, just because I decided in the safest way possible to have a few great orgasms and treat myself to some fun, after 10 years of virtually nothing but my hand and porn videos.

Is that moment of honesty and "seeing if she is ok with it" worth more than my home, my life savings, and everything I have worked so hard for AND the possibility of the complete dismantling of my life?
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Old 30th August 2017, 9:54 AM   #51
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I'm wondering what the point of this thread is.

I mean, it's pretty clear you aren't looking for advice one way or the other and claim to have it all figured out, at least for now.

I'm just curious what is it you're looking for from us by posting your story; validation? Approval? Support?

Are you looking to give hope to those of us who are/were in sexless relationships? Is massages with happy endings the solution we've all been looking for???

If I'm brutally honest with you, I'm not sure if you deserve a gold star or a hard spanking.

And this is coming from a woman who herself went 8 years without sex in her 16 year marriage at HIS doing.
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Old 30th August 2017, 9:59 AM   #52
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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
I really appreciate all the conversation and advice. I really do. Thank you everyone.

I just don't know if I am willing at this time to take a chance of blowing up my entire life, just because I decided in the safest way possible to have a few great orgasms and treat myself to some fun, after 10 years of virtually nothing but my hand and porn videos.

Is that moment of honesty and "seeing if she is ok with it" worth more than my home, my life savings, and everything I have worked so hard for AND the possibility of the complete dismantling of my life?
It's entirely your decision. Have you ever clearly told your wife that the lack of intimacy is unacceptable and that her seeking help is non-negotiable. Perhaps shee has no desire for divorce either.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:00 AM   #53
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I just wanted to talk to some people I don't know and get objective opinions. That is all. I never said I won't take any advice offered on this thread. I am taking it all in, thinking hard about the options and trying to weigh the consequences of each option.

I am not 100% sure how I will play this out. I am not even sure if my erotic massages are "the solution." They have sure helped with a lot of the depression and anxiety of being horny all the time, with no outlet to act on it.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:00 AM   #54
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Dude you're having an affair.


After a while this could possibly escalate. Its human nature to want more of what feels good.

She should be ashamed of herself.

You don't know this woman so please don't assume you know how many men she is doing this with. She can tell you anything to keep you coming back for more.

Women are crafty.
I totally agree that you are justifying and rationalizing with words.

You are not getting "hour-long specialized massages." You are getting "hand-jobs."

You are seeing a physical-therapist who has developed a side-business, where she gets paid to deliver hand-jobs.

It might feel "business-y" because you are paying her, but it could well develop into something more over time. You have no idea what you could be getting yourself into...especially with the lack of intimacy that you've experienced for so long.

You've already said that you've known her through friends for years. THAT is a dangerous set-up. Not only are you seeing a friend of a friend for hand-jobs, but you may develop feelings for her...which could lead to the end of your marriage. You claim that you don't want that and that you love your wife.

You will not see any of this right now. You will refute everything I say, because you are getting a desire fulfilled that is making you feel really, really good. But I do think you may get burned. You are likely to get burned.

I read this and honestly...it made me feel disgusted. I tried to imagine my husband going off and finding a friend of ours to get "specialized massages" from. Oh, wow. It just made me feel ill.

If what you say is true...that you have told your wife how you feel over and over and over, and that she refuses to meet your needs; and that you've even said you may need to go elsewhere and she just says she doesn't want to know, here is what you need to do to maintain your integrity: make a specific request for an open marriage. Let her know that you still will not tell her who you see or when. You will shield her of that. You don't even have to confess this "masseuse" situation. But if she is going to deny you basic intimacy, you would like to open this up, so you can meet your desires above-board while still maintaining the marriage that you both seem to want.

See what she says. According to you, she will be fine with it. Then, you will be doing nothing wrong.

Last edited by Southern Sun; 30th August 2017 at 10:02 AM..
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:04 AM   #55
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It's entirely your decision. Have you ever clearly told your wife that the lack of intimacy is unacceptable and that her seeking help is non-negotiable. Perhaps shee has no desire for divorce either.
I know she has no desire for divorce. What man is going to want a woman who can't perform sexually?

I told her that this is unacceptable a few years ago when I was really trying to get us into counseling and to find a new doctor for her, that has experience with these kinds of issues. She wanted nothing to do with it. She tried with a few half hearted handjobs in the next few weeks and then it went back to status quo. I have tried to get her to spice things up just a little bit, maybe wear something sexy, engage me a little during, etc. She just has no sexual desire and like I said before, I feel guilty making her fake it, because I know she is not enjoying it.

Trying to talk to me about it is very difficult for her. I can't imagine her willingly wanting to discuss it with someone she doesn't know, like a doctor or counselor.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:07 AM   #56
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See what she says. According to you, she will be fine with it. Then, you will be doing nothing wrong.
I never said I knew she would be fine with anything. I mentioned early in this thread that she made a half-hearted comment about not wanting to know. I don't constitute that with being fine with anything.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:10 AM   #57
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He should be honest with his wife about what he is doing behind her back. This could possibly hurt her deeply and he is just thinking about himself.

If a hand job is not so bad, tell your WIFE! Give her an opportunity to choose how she wants to be in this picture.
Um....because I actually read everything he wrote, I'll point out that he has said repeatedly that his wife will not give him ANY affection, no touch, no hand jobs, nada.

You can knock his choice all you want, but it's interesting how SILENT people are about the flat out wrongness of denying someone intimacy for TEN YEARS.

Hypocrisy abounds.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:14 AM   #58
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I note you still have intimacy
No they don't. Please people read the full posts. She doesn't cuddle, touch, show any kind of affection.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:15 AM   #59
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I just wanted to talk to some people I don't know and get objective opinions. That is all. I never said I won't take any advice offered on this thread. I am taking it all in, thinking hard about the options and trying to weigh the consequences of each option.

I am not 100% sure how I will play this out. I am not even sure if my erotic massages are "the solution." They have sure helped with a lot of the depression and anxiety of being horny all the time, with no outlet to act on it.
As much as I understand the undeniable need to feel wanted and desired and to have human contact, I think this is a slippery slope.

Just reading your opening post and listening to the slow progression from what was an ordinary massage to a private in-home massage to a private in-home massage with a happy ending to now including some kissing...and then...what next?

You claim you don't want an affair or another woman because you're 'happy' with the one you have but you're doing exactly that and don't even realize it. I think you think you've got a handle on it but I fear this is the beginning of something much bigger and deeper and problematic than you realize.

It's only a matter of time before this turns into something more either with her or someone else but I applaud your naivety if only because it helps you sleep better at night.

Once you venture down the rabbit hole, it's NEVER easy getting back out again.

But it's your life. Your marriage. Good luck.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:22 AM   #60
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Um....because I actually read everything he wrote, I'll point out that he has said repeatedly that his wife will not give him ANY affection, no touch, no hand jobs, nada.
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She doesn't cuddle, touch, show any kind of affection.
^^^That is not true.

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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
She is loving. I know she adores me. She hugs me, we cuddle when we sleep (which can be very difficult if I didn't masturbate before bed), and I know she feels incredibly bad about her medical issues.
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