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My alternative to a sexless marriage


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 29th August 2017, 6:39 PM   #31
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I do not want to divorce her over this one issue. We are great friends and I love her more than anyone I have ever been with. I still want her in my life. We have built a life together. I am not ready to throw that all away (along with my financial future) because she has medical issues and maybe some resulting depression. A divorce would not be good for either of us.

It is a big issue, but there is a lot more to marriage than sex. I could live with an amazing long massage like I have been getting a few times a year, just something to break up the monotony of masturbation. For now though, I am seeing her about once a week, until I can make up for some lost time and get some of the deprivation out of my system. The massages get better every time, because she likes to talk about how she can make it better. For now, I am enjoying it. After all this time, I feel I deserve it. It will wane in frequency after awhile.

I feel like a different person, like my sanity has been restored.
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Old 29th August 2017, 7:04 PM   #32
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I empathise because it sounds like dejavu.
You sound just like the guy I was supporting. I could hear the difference in his voice and the elated feeling once he started the massages.

Deep-down, I reckon your wife knows you are seeking something outside, especially as she doesn't provide any intimacy at all. She just rather not know about it.

Similar to you he said every other part of the marriage was great and he didn't think he'd find a better woman. ...but he couldn't at his age continue with the rejection and didn't have the energy for a full blown affair.

It was actually quite sad listening to how he felt prior to this. He missed the touch of a woman.

It worked for him, but he wanted more than that after a while and took a different route, because the happy endings weren't enough.

The sex is one aspect of the relationship, but it's a very important aspect. This guy was late 40s and didn't want this (sexless marriage) to be his life, but it mostly boiled down to the money for him, as she was a SAHM and he wasn't happy to pay lifetime spousal support.

I am not casting judgment at all.
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Old 29th August 2017, 7:40 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
I appreciate all the replies. I posted this just to give a perspective of what it is like to live in a situation like mine and thought others may be interested in my story.

I am not delusional. I know this is not an ideal situation. Honestly, this is the only area where there is a problem. We get along great, as long as we are not talking about this issue, we spend a lot of time together, eat dinner together almost every night, take vacations together, spend most of our free time together, and talk every day when we are both working.

I know some people will think horribly of my situation, but I don't know if I even consider it prostitution. I am not having oral or vaginal intercourse. The provider is not a nigh volume provider. It is kind of a fluke that we even fell into this situation, but it is what it is. She massages my penis for an hour.

If I hadn't found this person, chances are I would have had an affair in the next year. I am not trying to justify anything, just stating a fact.

Paying a little a few times a month for a massage seems better than losing probably over 100k, losing my house, leaving someone I deeply care about, and uprooting my life.

I think she would be sad if she found out, but only because she can't provide for this basic need. It is for that reason, and a little but of embarrassment I will admit, that I have not told her.

I am not begging her for it anymore and making her do something she has no desire to do. I am not going to ask her for the umteenth time to get counseling with me. How can a counselor restore a desire she no longer has? I think she would understand that this is the safest and most discreet way to take care of my needs, without getting divorced, without much of a risk of STDs, crime associated with internet escorts, pregnancy risk of an affair, developing feelings for someone else, etc.

Maybe the novelty will wear off in a few months. All I know is this is helping to restore my sanity, after being deprived for a long time.

I look at her as a surrogate, someone who can help me with my horniness and my sexual needs, without risk and without drama. A masturbation partner. We do not "make love," nor do I have any romantic feelings towards her, even though she is attractive. It is just a business relationship, although a very fun business relationship.

One last thing. I do not care at all about the "legalities," as I have never put 100% in what others label as right and wrong. I do not believe it should be illegal to pay someone for a sexual service of any kind. I can meet someone in a bar, take them home and have sex? But if I give cash instead of buying drinks, it somehow becomes illegal, when it is between two consensual adults? I find that laughable.
Something I was wondering. What was your wife's attitude to sex before this? Did she enjoy it?
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Old 29th August 2017, 7:41 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
I empathise because it sounds like dejavu.
You sound just like the guy I was supporting. I could hear the difference in his voice and the elated feeling once he started the massages.

Deep-down, I reckon your wife knows you are seeking something outside, especially as she doesn't provide any intimacy at all. She just rather not know about it.

Similar to you he said every other part of the marriage was great and he didn't think he'd find a better woman. ...but he couldn't at his age continue with the rejection and didn't have the energy for a full blown affair.
Thank you for your reply. Let me address a few things you said.

1)After having my sexual desires regulated to just masturbation for so long, having these hour long, specialized, massages has me feeling elated. It is truly mind blowing how strong, long lasting, and intense the orgasms are and how much I crave the interaction and intimacy.

2)She may, since she knows I had a very active sex life before we met and some long term "friends with benefits" type of situations.

3)The rejection and lack of sex is something I decided I couldn't continue going without. I have thought about it for a long time and just happened, after so many years, to stumble into this ideal situation. I do not want to find a "better woman." I am fine with the one I have, warts and all, I just need some fun naked time once in a while.
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Old 29th August 2017, 7:44 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post

Something I was wondering. What was your wife's attitude to sex before this? Did she enjoy it?
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She enjoyed it and we had sex pretty regularly, maybe 4-8 times a month, once we started living together and had been together a few years. She was not a sex freak and was pretty tame when it comes to sex, compared to my previous wild ways, but she still enjoyed it and was very good at it.

For a year after her surgeries, when PIV sex was no longer possible, she tried to keep me happy, but she slowly lost the desire. She can fake it, but she is not a good actress. I don't want to force her, that would make me feel worse than paying the willing participant that I now have.
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Old 29th August 2017, 8:48 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
She massages my penis for an hour.

Dude you're having an affair.


After a while this could possibly escalate. Its human nature to want more of what feels good.

She should be ashamed of herself.

You don't know this woman so please don't assume you know how many men she is doing this with. She can tell you anything to keep you coming back for more.

Women are crafty.
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Last edited by travelbug1996; 29th August 2017 at 9:02 PM..
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:05 PM   #37
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Originally Posted by Trail Blazer View Post
What should the OP do in this case?

He should be honest with his wife about what he is doing behind her back. This could possibly hurt her deeply and he is just thinking about himself.

If a hand job is not so bad, tell your WIFE! Give her an opportunity to choose how she wants to be in this picture.
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:18 PM   #38
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You don't know this woman so please don't assume you know how many men she is doing this with. She can tell you anything to keep you coming back for more.

Women are crafty.
She is not a stranger. Read my earlier posts. I know enough about her to know she is not a high volume massage provider. She wouldn't have time if she wanted to, with a full time job.
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:18 PM   #39
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OP, you are on a slippery slope. What you are doing, isn't just a sexual encounter. You are having conversations about your life.

IMO, your wife isn't upholding her part of the marriage covenant, if she is withholding intimacy from you. Ten years is a long time.
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:19 PM   #40
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I'm trying to put myself in your wife's shoes. If my wife came to me and told me she had an important need that she wanted met, I would look for a way to meet that need. Especially if it was something that required little effort on my part. I just can't understand her position, and frankly, it angers me that she cannot even be bothered to meet you halfway. When your spouse comes to you and expresses a normal, basic need, you find a way to meet it or at least compromise. That's what love is, and I question her love for you. How selfish can one be? Or is there some other issue she is not disclosing.

That being said, she is your wife and you love her, so you have an obligation to be honest with her, at least out of respect. I would explain to her exactly what you've told us here: that you love her dearly and cannot imagine a life without her. But be honest that you've been going elsewhere to have your physical needs met. You owe her that.

Last edited by WilyWill; 29th August 2017 at 9:22 PM..
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:29 PM   #41
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I'm not a medical person so don't know anything ... but it seems a bit odd to me that a surgery, long ago now, has had the long term side effect of pain during intercourse. I'd love to hear how this can be the case from a medico. Is there serious scarring or something causing the pain? Is there the possibility of another side condition causing this ongoing pain?

I'm really thinking that there is a strong possibility that the pain excuse is just that ... an excuse. If the wife had a normal functioning libido then surely she'd be going nuts with unfilled desire. Assuming the pain was real, she'd be actively looking for ways other than PIV to fulfill this latent desire.

I reckon councilling might be right on the money - try to find the real and actual root cause of this lack of intimacy - something is not right here and if we reading didn't know about the surgery then we'd all (I think) pretty much assume it was simply another, of the many, stories about a wife (or husband) losing sexual desire after many years of marriage.
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Old 29th August 2017, 11:21 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by travelbug1996 View Post
He should be honest with his wife about what he is doing behind her back. This could possibly hurt her deeply and he is just thinking about himself.

If a hand job is not so bad, tell your WIFE! Give her an opportunity to choose how she wants to be in this picture.
I don't disagree that he should tell his wife. He can't maintain this "my marriage is great, but... " spiel for any length of time. If he tells his wife then it should be on the basis that the marriage is about to be over. As far as I'm concerned, it is. If you go to the lengths that the OP has done, then it's finished.

What bothers is any notion that this is all about the husband cheating, and husband trying to justify cheating, rather than the husband acting out of sheer desperation due to his wife's selfishness and privilege. If his wife ever thought that sticking her head in the sand and thinking that everything would just work itself out then she's on another planet.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:14 AM   #43
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Op, there are tons of people like you who come to post here. The "I'm in a sexless marriage, and I hate it, but I'm super scared to get a divorce" camp.

We never know what to tell them. We have no answers for you.

Your wife is not going to change no matter what you say or do, and you're not going to change your way of thinking either.

Your only choice is to suck it up like all the other people I mentioned eventually do and keep your complaints to yourself. Because people get tired of hearing them.

This is your life, try to make the best of it.
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Old 30th August 2017, 5:43 AM   #44
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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
The masseuse is not an professional escort. I know her through mutual friends and know a few people she works with. She sees a few people for massages on her own time. Are they sexual? I don't know or care. We both shower before meeting and her hair is always wet when i arrive. The chances of me catching anything from her are extremely rare at best.

A few times over the years I have mentioned to my wife that one day I may go looking elsewhere for what I desperately need and she replied halfheartedly "Just don't let me know about it." I have told her I can't go forever without any romantic touching and intimacy. For some reason, I just can't get across how big of a deal this is. It does not appear to be a big deal to her, even after I have repeatedly stressed that IT IS.

While doing this on the sly is of course not the best road to travel, I do not think I want to bring it up for various reasons. She will feel worse about her own condition and I will end up being the bad guy.

I will just slip away for an hour, maybe twice a month, and have some discreet fun. I have to admit I love the attention. I would never have guessed I could find someone that I feel comfortable doing something like this with, or someone that is so good at it. I don't think this would happen if we hadn't kind of known each other for the last 5 years, through some mutual work friends. She lets me direct her, I think she gives me extra attention because she knows my home situation, and her massages are off the charts.
Ask your wife if you were to do this would she be okay?

If she tells you as long as I don't know about it

You have your ans

If she says no

You have your ans

Nobody should go Through life without intimacy .

Also no body should be taken away their right to know.
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Old 30th August 2017, 6:29 AM   #45
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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
Thank you for your reply. Let me address a few things you said.

1)After having my sexual desires regulated to just masturbation for so long, having these hour long, specialized, massages has me feeling elated. It is truly mind blowing how strong, long lasting, and intense the orgasms are and how much I crave the interaction and intimacy.
Exactly what I was told as well. I didn't say it, because it seemed like TMI.

Like you he was fed up with masturbation and wanted a woman's touch.

Only time will tell if this is sufficient for you forever.
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