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My alternative to a sexless marriage


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 29th August 2017, 1:27 PM   #16
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Rivendell, after reading your replies, if you're so sure that you're doing the right thing, why are you even posting here? You seem to just be looking for someone who will justify your actions.

Sit your wife down and tell her about this. It'll be hard, but she may actually start trying to be intimate with you seeing how badly you need it, so that you won't have to seek intimacy elsewhere. If not, then she either let's you keep going to the therapist, or it's going to be divorce. Either way, if I was your wife, I'd rather take one of these options than be living with wool pulled over my eyes.
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Old 29th August 2017, 1:35 PM   #17
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Rivendell, I began to write a response to your situation and your last post but as I did, it became quite involved and lengthy so that I felt I couldn't do it justice with all that I have on my plate here to accomplish today.

Suffice it to say, I am on your side, I am FOR you! You're in a very difficult situation. But, your issues, I believe, are far more complex than you realize. To me, there is much more obvious in your posts than your wife being incapable of sex and your trying to deal with it the best way possible.

Because of the complexity of the issues it seems to me you have probably subconsciously tried to condense them into one category, that being sex, and are coping as best you can which makes sense.

For your own best good I believe you would benefit from seeing a counselor individually for starters and possibly getting into MC with your wife.

If you don't do this, I believe you're going to have some problems you don't foresee down the road. Because of the compassion I feel for your situation, it would be easiest to put a stamp of approval on your solution and move on to the next thread. But, I'm trying to support you in the best way possible for your present and future well being by being truthful with you!

Wishing you the best!

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 29th August 2017 at 1:48 PM..
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Old 29th August 2017, 3:07 PM   #18
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I'm not going to pretend to understand living in a sexless marriage but I have heard enough about it to know that it exists and people are not going to just up and divorce over the lack of sex. I know a guy IRL who also has a wife who has been unable to have sex since their son was born (the son is 11). He visits a happy ending massage place - by the way, they use condoms to give hand jobs.

I disagree with the others though. I would not go confessing until I was sure of the laws in my state as to what impact confessing infidelity could have on a potential divorce. My state is no fault, so it would not matter but in some states, it would have an impact in the settlement.

The guy I know keeps it to himself (other than all the people he tells of course) and says if his wife found out, she would divorce him, and he is okay with that. But otherwise he does not really feel like getting divorced. So different strokes for different folks (no pun intended). Don't judge until you are in the situation is my philosophy.
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Old 29th August 2017, 3:07 PM   #19
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I appreciate all the replies. I posted this just to give a perspective of what it is like to live in a situation like mine and thought others may be interested in my story.

I am not delusional. I know this is not an ideal situation. Honestly, this is the only area where there is a problem. We get along great, as long as we are not talking about this issue, we spend a lot of time together, eat dinner together almost every night, take vacations together, spend most of our free time together, and talk every day when we are both working.

I know some people will think horribly of my situation, but I don't know if I even consider it prostitution. I am not having oral or vaginal intercourse. The provider is not a nigh volume provider. It is kind of a fluke that we even fell into this situation, but it is what it is. She massages my penis for an hour.

If I hadn't found this person, chances are I would have had an affair in the next year. I am not trying to justify anything, just stating a fact.

Paying a little a few times a month for a massage seems better than losing probably over 100k, losing my house, leaving someone I deeply care about, and uprooting my life.

I think she would be sad if she found out, but only because she can't provide for this basic need. It is for that reason, and a little but of embarrassment I will admit, that I have not told her.

I am not begging her for it anymore and making her do something she has no desire to do. I am not going to ask her for the umteenth time to get counseling with me. How can a counselor restore a desire she no longer has? I think she would understand that this is the safest and most discreet way to take care of my needs, without getting divorced, without much of a risk of STDs, crime associated with internet escorts, pregnancy risk of an affair, developing feelings for someone else, etc.

Maybe the novelty will wear off in a few months. All I know is this is helping to restore my sanity, after being deprived for a long time.

I look at her as a surrogate, someone who can help me with my horniness and my sexual needs, without risk and without drama. A masturbation partner. We do not "make love," nor do I have any romantic feelings towards her, even though she is attractive. It is just a business relationship, although a very fun business relationship.

One last thing. I do not care at all about the "legalities," as I have never put 100% in what others label as right and wrong. I do not believe it should be illegal to pay someone for a sexual service of any kind. I can meet someone in a bar, take them home and have sex? But if I give cash instead of buying drinks, it somehow becomes illegal, when it is between two consensual adults? I find that laughable.

Last edited by Rivendell; 29th August 2017 at 3:10 PM..
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Old 29th August 2017, 3:25 PM   #20
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Is the definition of whether or not it's prostitution or some imaginary jail time really the point? Seems like an off topic red herring to me.

OP, I still think you should talk to your wife. I cannot imagine a loving wife refusing to go to counseling to help her husband cope with the permanent absence of the one thing he can only morally receive from a spouse. I mean, I get that she probably feels bad, but it's a bit selfish.

No one should just be expected to shrug their shoulders and say "meh" when they are going to be deprived of what IS a legitimate need and important part of marriage.
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Old 29th August 2017, 4:14 PM   #21
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My thoughts are that you need to have that conversation with your wife about possibly going out and finding an alternative to a sexual relationship with her. The only reason I say possibly, is because of the halfhearted "I don't want to know" you say she has given you. IF she says yes, but don't tell me, continue, If she says no, tell her and begin to talk about divorce.

Last edited by Doorstopper; 29th August 2017 at 4:18 PM..
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Old 29th August 2017, 4:30 PM   #22
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My thoughts are that you need to have that conversation with your wife about possibly going out and finding an alternative to a sexual relationship with her. The only reason I say possibly, is because of the halfhearted "I don't want to know" you say she has given you. IF she says yes, but don't tell me, continue, If she says no, tell her and begin to talk about divorce.
I am not getting divorced over this, if I can help it. I may sound selfish, but I am supposed to give up my house, savings, 401k, pay lawyers, split everything up, move, reduce my standard of living, have my whole life uprooted, and other things, just because her medical issues have resulted in me getting some long handjobs on the side?

I would get divorced if I didn't love her, if I fell in love with someone else, or if I craved a relationship that included sex. None of those things are true.

I have a great relationship, outside of her medical issues. I just want, after 10 years of almost nothing, to have some crazy good orgasms and have someone give me some erotic attention. I do not want oral or vaginal sex. I just want to feel good and have some fun for a change. I feel it is wrong to think I should change every aspect of my life just because of the natural desire to get off with someone other than myself.
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Old 29th August 2017, 4:44 PM   #23
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Knabe you are dead on with all...

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Originally Posted by knabe View Post
I assume your wife does not know about this.

Here is my honest opinion, assuming everything you say is true, you have made your needs for contact/touch very clear, and this has been going on for as long as you say:

I would be honest with your wife. Tell her what has happened. Then I would tell her that, as she is aware, while you can be content without sex with her, you NEED affection and intimacy. Invite her to be the one to meet this need. Make it clear life without this is NOT an option for you.

Then let her decide. She can step up and kiss, hold, touch you. Or she can allow you to get what is a perfectly reasonable need elsewhere. Or she can leave.

Ideally, you would have discussed this with her BEFORE you did it. No one has a time machine, so that is not possible.

She will likely consider it heating and be hurt. However, I am of the opinion that intentionally withholding touch and intimacy from your spouse (because even if intercourse is painful there are other ways to give your spouse what only you can give them) is just as serious a betrayal and breaking of promises as cheating.
Knabe you are dead on with all... your posts on this thread. And you people that are condemning OP, give me a break.

Now OP, while I do not understand how you could stay in this marriage and wait 10 years for a happy ending, that is your decision.

I would have spoken to her about an open marriage early on or gotten a divorce.

But I have to agree that a spouse that with holds even affection for what ever reason is just wrong. For me it is grounds for divorce.

I mean no affection or cuddling or even a hand job, who puts up with that. I know I will never understand this type of thing ever.

And OP, man you do your thing and I would not feel guilty for a second...
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Old 29th August 2017, 5:24 PM   #24
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This is not the very first time I have thought about or tired this.

In the last five years or so, I visited a couple massage parlors 3 or 4 times. All times, the ending was rushed and mechanical and not something I thought was great, although it was a little better than masturbating. One time was better than the others, but still not the fun and personal interaction that I was looking for. Plus, I felt strange being in a massage parlor and risking the cops busting in and raiding the place.

With my current provider, all we talked about was a legit massage. I do have some back issues and when we had our first real conversation for about 45 minutes at a public function, she was talking about her work as a physical therapist and I mentioned how a PT worked wonders for a minor back issue years ago, following a car accident. We talked about getting together for a massage and I followed up the following week. We did not talk about any hand release and honestly I wasn't expecting it. We were talking during the regular part of the massage (which was great by the way) and we do have a decent amount of mutual friends. Towards the end, she moved her hand to a special area and asked if I wanted that massaged. It was unexpected and not asked for. I said sure and she continued with about 20 minutes of the best massage ever. It really drove me wild and she knew it and enjoyed it.

Once it happened, it was so good and relaxed, I asked if we could talk about a continuing arrangement. We met later that week and spoke for about an hour about my situation, expectations, discretion, donation amounts, a few special requests I had, and so forth. Everything was discussed in depth and she really didn't appear to have much experience talking about such arrangements. I am certain she only does this with 2 or maybe 3 other people and not as regularly as I plan on becoming.

We have seen each other several times since we arranged our deal and I have to admit it is amazing. Besides a few five minute endings at massage parlors, I have never had a massage where someone spends an hour being flirty, fun, and concentrated on one area the whole time. It is better than I ever imagined a handjob could be. I don't need anything more to satisfy my urges. I do not need or want an affair, oral sex, or vaginal sex.
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Old 29th August 2017, 5:34 PM   #25
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I am not getting divorced over this, if I can help it. I may sound selfish, but I am supposed to give up my house, savings, 401k, pay lawyers, split everything up, move, reduce my standard of living, have my whole life uprooted, and other things, just because her medical issues have resulted in me getting some long handjobs on the side?

I would get divorced if I didn't love her, if I fell in love with someone else, or if I craved a relationship that included sex. None of those things are true.

I have a great relationship, outside of her medical issues. I just want, after 10 years of almost nothing, to have some crazy good orgasms and have someone give me some erotic attention. I do not want oral or vaginal sex. I just want to feel good and have some fun for a change. I feel it is wrong to think I should change every aspect of my life just because of the natural desire to get off with someone other than myself.
I think you have to realize that a divorce is a possibility, and you may not have a choice in the decision.

I sympathize with your situation and hope that your wife would as well.
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Old 29th August 2017, 5:42 PM   #26
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His wife has made her choice, repeatedly. She doesn't deserve to make another regarding his sexuality. Her choices have been unilateral and selfish - now it's his turn to do the same. Perhaps it's not kind or respectful, but heck, tit for tat!
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Old 29th August 2017, 7:06 PM   #27
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To the OP, if your wife refuses to kiss or touch you, then that is not normal. I can understand if sex causes her pain and she doesn't want intercourse, but TOUCH is a human need. She's completely denying you affection. I can totally understand why you feel the need to cheat. Yet you two have some sort of friendship or codependency, so you stick with it.

At the very least, you need some sort of couples counseling. And before you do that, you need to drop the masseuse/prostitute. Never reveal what you have done if you want to save your marriage...take that secret to your grave.
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Old 29th August 2017, 7:20 PM   #28
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At the very least, you need some sort of couples counseling. And before you do that, you need to drop the masseuse/prostitute. Never reveal what you have done if you want to save your marriage...take that secret to your grave.
I have asked several times to go to counseling solely to try to fix this issue, because we do not have any other major issues. She won't go. We are too busy with work, can't afford it, haven't met our insurance deductible, blah blah blah.

She doesn't even like to discuss this issue with me, there is no way she would ever be comfortable discussing it with a stranger.

She is loving. I know she adores me. She hugs me, we cuddle when we sleep (which can be very difficult if I didn't masturbate before bed), and I know she feels incredibly bad about her medical issues. We are a good couple, who just seem to be at an impasse with this issue.

I found a safe and discreet way to stop me from having an affair and don't plan on stopping, at least for the time being. And I have to be honest, for the first time in a long time, I am enjoying the intimacy and attention immensely.
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Old 29th August 2017, 7:21 PM   #29
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Through my relationship support /counseling I know a guy who found this (happy ending massages) to be a solution to his almost sexless marriage. Like you he initially went to the other parlors (Thai), then found another alleged professional massuese with the appropriate qualifications.

Like you going to her home made it better and less sleazy thanthe parlors.

He had happy endings after a full body massage and loved it. He had suffered rejection not through his wife's medical condition. ....but wasn't prepared to lose money or his pension in a divorce.

TBH I felt sorry for him as he had a sexless marriage and he felt great after having the massages, so I understand how you must feel.

In your case, she must know you haven't gone a decade without any kind of sex. In her position I'd be instigating a divorce as I think it's unfair to enforce celibacy even if I was medically incapable.


He wasn't going to tell his wife, otherwise she'd divorce him.
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Old 29th August 2017, 7:37 PM   #30
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***Note from Moderation***

Let's move on from the prostitution postings, this is NOT the topic..

There have already been some FR's sent out at this point so let this be the last,

thanks
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