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My alternative to a sexless marriage


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Old 29th August 2017, 8:41 AM   #1
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My alternative to a sexless marriage

I am a 46 year old guy who has been married for 14 years. Due to a series of surgeries and non life threatening medical issues, my wife can not have sex without extreme pain. As a result of this, she has lost all of her sex drive and we have not been intimate in about 10 years.

I have tried many times to talk to her about my need for touching, kissing, and intimacy, but she has no interest. I am not talking about mentioning it 3 times. I have tried repeatedly over a decade.

Outside of this issue, we have a great marriage. I know her condition is not her fault. We are the best of friends. We own our own home, I own my own business, she has a good job, we have great relationships with each other's families and a lot of really great mutual friends. We are not rich, but have never missed a mortgage payment and do ok. She is very close to my adult daughter and that means the world to me.

For years I have hoped she may take an evening even once a month so we can have some fun together and I won't feel so neglected. It has not worked. A night of kissing, maybe some oral sex, or a good massage would keep me happy. For some reason, this is out of the question, as she has no desire whatsoever anymore for any kind of sexual activity.

I do not want to "have an affair," fall in love with someone else, or get divorced. I don't even want to have intercourse with anyone else. I have not taken advantage of a few flirting situations that I know probably could have led to sex, because I am not interested in an affair. However, I have always had a strong sex drive and masturbating after so many years has run it's course.

A few months ago I met a physical therapist in her late 20s. Over the course of our conversation about self employment, my work related back pains, etc, she mentioned that she has a few clients that she sees occasionally for massages on her own time. One thing led to another and I met her at her place for a massage. We had never talked about anything sexual and at the time she didn't not know my situation. The massage was incredible (she is licensed) and I was surprised at the end when she took it a step further and included a long happy ending. I was not expecting it, but didn't complain.

I have since seen her a few more times and things have progressed into a specialized massage, concentrated on one area. An hour of blissful, playful, and intense fun. She is very open minded, she does now know my situation, is non-judgemental, and is very discreet and under the radar. She is not an internet massage advertiser and only sees a small number of people, to supplement her income from a full time job in the medical field. Outside of hand massage and a little light kissing during the massage, nothing else of a sexual nature happens.

After going without for so long and trying very hard to change things at home, this seemed the safest and most discreet option, without a complete and total dismantling of my life.

Should I get divorced from someone I love very much, give up half of everything I have worked for, go live in an apartment somewhere, because my wife refuses to do anything to satisfy my sexual needs? Every time we talk about it, she says we will have some time together and it never happens, or it I bring it up again later, she isn't in the mood. I have tried vacation getaways, romantic settings, heart to heart talks, suggested counseling, nothing has worked. She knows how sad I am about the situation, but she refuses to do anything to try to make it better.

Now at least I can have some excitement without masturbating and without having intercourse and risking pregnancy, feelings, std's, etc. The one hour erotic massages are incredible and I have to admit the orgasms are better than anything I have had for the last dozen years. They are mind blowing. It is the best escape I could imagine.

That is my alternative to a sexless marriage and dismantling my life because of it. It is not a perfect alternative, but it works for me.
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Old 29th August 2017, 8:49 AM   #2
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I assume your wife does not know about this.

Here is my honest opinion, assuming everything you say is true, you have made your needs for contact/touch very clear, and this has been going on for as long as you say:

I would be honest with your wife. Tell her what has happened. Then I would tell her that, as she is aware, while you can be content without sex with her, you NEED affection and intimacy. Invite her to be the one to meet this need. Make it clear life without this is NOT an option for you.

Then let her decide. She can step up and kiss, hold, touch you. Or she can allow you to get what is a perfectly reasonable need elsewhere. Or she can leave.

Ideally, you would have discussed this with her BEFORE you did it. No one has a time machine, so that is not possible.

She will likely consider it heating and be hurt. However, I am of the opinion that intentionally withholding touch and intimacy from your spouse (because even if intercourse is painful there are other ways to give your spouse what only you can give them) is just as serious a betrayal and breaking of promises as cheating.
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Old 29th August 2017, 8:59 AM   #3
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op,
I understand hat you have these needs, but you are cheating on your wife, and that is not okay. You know that too, otherwise, you wouldn't feel the need to rationalize it.

Sit her down and talk to her. tell her what you are doing. It doesn't sound like you have any sort of romantic attachment to this "masseuse", and if your wife understands that you see her on a "professional" basis, she may be okay with it.

One thing to keep in mind is that this woman is likely not what she claims to be. Any professional massage therapists I know have worked very hard for their professional to be taken seriously, and would have nothing to do with a situation like this. Really, she is a paid escort ( prostitute) and while I don't really see that as a problem, so long as she's not being forced into it, there is a large level of dishonesty here.

[If your affair partner] is doing this with you, she's doing it with others. Even if there is no intercourse, there is still the possibility that she can transmit an STD ( especially syphilis), so please, protect yourself.

As for your wife not wanting sex? If it's painful for her, I'm not surprised. I would gently suggest to you that you and she get some counseling sessions to get to the root of the problem. I sit possible that she feels "less than" because she can't have intercourse with you?

Whatever happens, I hope you are able to work through this together. Your marriage as a lot going for it, but you've hit a roadblock. You sound like the type of guy who is willing to work with his wife to find a solution. The first step is getting her to see ow serious this has become for you, and you really need her to stand up and help you solve this problem.

Bets of luck to you and your family. You are in a hard place right now,but it really sounds like if there was every a couple that could work through this sort of problem, it's you and your wife.
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:09 AM   #4
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The masseuse is not an professional escort. I know her through mutual friends and know a few people she works with. She sees a few people for massages on her own time. Are they sexual? I don't know or care. We both shower before meeting and her hair is always wet when i arrive. The chances of me catching anything from her are extremely rare at best.

A few times over the years I have mentioned to my wife that one day I may go looking elsewhere for what I desperately need and she replied halfheartedly "Just don't let me know about it." I have told her I can't go forever without any romantic touching and intimacy. For some reason, I just can't get across how big of a deal this is. It does not appear to be a big deal to her, even after I have repeatedly stressed that IT IS.

While doing this on the sly is of course not the best road to travel, I do not think I want to bring it up for various reasons. She will feel worse about her own condition and I will end up being the bad guy.

I will just slip away for an hour, maybe twice a month, and have some discreet fun. I have to admit I love the attention. I would never have guessed I could find someone that I feel comfortable doing something like this with, or someone that is so good at it. I don't think this would happen if we hadn't kind of known each other for the last 5 years, through some mutual work friends. She lets me direct her, I think she gives me extra attention because she knows my home situation, and her massages are off the charts.
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:26 AM   #5
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She is a physical therapist?

What she is doing is absolutely against her code of ethics and if her regulatory body was ever to learn about her little "side business," she would lose her job and her license to practice.
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:37 AM   #6
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Get a divorce. Not sure what else to say in your situation. No idea why you've put up with that for as long as you have. Unless you just want to be sexless for the rest of your life than stay with your wife. She knows what you need and clearly doesn't give a ****.

I agree with the others though you are cheating. You either need to tell your wife you're divorcing her and move on or tell her you want an open relationship to have your needs met.
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:37 AM   #7
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Since she refuses to touch you, ask your wife if she'd be okay with you doing this.
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:39 AM   #8
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Should I get divorced from someone I love very much, give up half of everything I have worked for, go live in an apartment somewhere, because my wife refuses to do anything to satisfy my sexual needs?
Reading your post, it appears the refusal extends far beyond PIV sex. Up to you. You've been married 14 and apparently sexless 10 and without any significant physical or emotional intimacy for awhile. To me, that's no marriage. When I was younger and noted these arrangements with MW's, I came to call them 'marriages of convenience', whether for social status, child rearing, financial concerns, whatever. Intimate and loving partnerships they certainly did not present themselves as.

Try a couple months of plain old conversation, good massage and no happy endings with your massage therapist and see how it goes. What can happen in these deals is there's enough side action to stave off the inevitable, and healthy, ending of an unhealthy marriage. Spouses become roommates. I guess that works for some. Me, having been through that grinder, I like being alone. Far healthier and happier. Those times are like a distant memory I've almost forgotten.

Good luck with your choice!
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:57 AM   #9
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I am going to share online what I don't share IRL, my husband is impotent and for various reasons has a very low sex drive. We have talked about it, he has had some surgery to correct a physical issue due to a War injury, but up to date, we have had a celibate marriage for about 5 years, we have been together over 30 years, I do not want a celibate marriage, but if it means the choice between my husband or sex, I choose him every time. We are deeply in love, still, we laugh, love, enjoy our life and yes, I miss intimacy, but I would miss him more. I could no more imagine being with someone else sexually than fly to the moon.

I support him 100%, I listen to him when he becomes sad about our situation, but it is what it is. It wouldn't work for a lot of people, but our marriage isn't based upon sex, but our love and like for each other. I would say if you have to go elsewhere, then discuss it with your wife, anything else is an affair.
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Old 29th August 2017, 9:59 AM   #10
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Your wife could do the same thing for you, but apparently she doesn't want any kind of intimacy with you, and has so little regard for your needs that she won't consider it. So much for an otherwise great marriage, IMO, but hang on to your delusions if you wish. While there is no ideal solution here (I'd divorce, but that's me), I'd say you're justified in having your needs met this way. And your wife has said that she doesn't want to know - that's permission, even if half-hearted. If she finds out, changes her mind, and wants a divorce, that's a win-win, IMO, although you may feel differently. There is no chance of developing a relationship with the massage therapist, and it's about as safe as you can get.
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Old 29th August 2017, 10:14 AM   #11
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A few times over the years I have mentioned to my wife that one day I may go looking elsewhere for what I desperately need and she replied halfheartedly "Just don't let me know about it." I have told her I can't go forever without any romantic touching and intimacy. For some reason, I just can't get across how big of a deal this is. It does not appear to be a big deal to her, even after I have repeatedly stressed that IT IS.
This is very common, sadly, especially among women. I have an extremely high sex drive, and even I know that it is a whole different kettle of important for the typical man. Wives of a certain ilk seem to think that if it doesn't seem like it's a legitimate need to THEM, it is just objectively NOT LEGITIMATE.

This is called selfishness.

No, marriage is not based completely upon sex, but I do not know of a single person who got married expecting NOT to be regularly intimate with their spouse for the length of their marriage.

I do think you need to tell your wife, OP, because the dishonesty and secrecy just taints everything.

This is why I do an eye roll whenever a man says a spouse's behavior has nothing to do with cheating. I would bet every man on this forum would agree that the wife's behavior in this case ABSOLUTELY is related to his choice to visit this masseuse.
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Old 29th August 2017, 10:42 AM   #12
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Hi Rivendell, I think your massuese is somewhat like a surrogate though not quite. A surrogate is someone who is paid by men ( for a female surrogate. There are male surrogates too for females who need their services.) who are inexperienced in sex to help them gain confidence in matters sexual. They teach them how to relax and act naturally with women, use the right words to help arouse a woman and of course how to touch cuddle, kiss and use other tactile measures to get the woman who they desire, in the right mood. They also have sex with their clients during which they guide them in ways to please the woman they are with. Your massuese does not have to do all this but she probably fulfills a similar kind of need.

At any rate, whatever the folks on here have said rings true and deep inside I guess you know it. That may be the reason why you have come to this forum to post about your situation. What you do is going to be what you yourself decide based on your own set of ethics. You are the person who wears the shoe and knows where it pinches. Do what your conscience directs you to do. If you were to ask my opinion I would say that you would be well within your rights to divorce your wife quite simply because she has proven herself to be utterly selfish and self concerned whereas a relationship like a marriage requires compromise and meeting each other half way. She seems completely oblivious to your needs and feelings. You don't really owe her anything. Warm wishes.
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Old 29th August 2017, 11:07 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by knabe View Post
This is very common, sadly, especially among women. I have an extremely high sex drive, and even I know that it is a whole different kettle of important for the typical man. Wives of a certain ilk seem to think that if it doesn't seem like it's a legitimate need to THEM, it is just objectively NOT LEGITIMATE.

This is called selfishness.

No, marriage is not based completely upon sex, but I do not know of a single person who got married expecting NOT to be regularly intimate with their spouse for the length of their marriage.

I do think you need to tell your wife, OP, because the dishonesty and secrecy just taints everything.

This is why I do an eye roll whenever a man says a spouse's behavior has nothing to do with cheating. I would bet every man on this forum would agree that the wife's behavior in this case ABSOLUTELY is related to his choice to visit this masseuse.
True.

There are consequences for withholding sex or affection from your spouse. It may not be "right", but no one should be surprised when a spouse denied seeks satisfaction elsewhere.
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Old 29th August 2017, 12:08 PM   #14
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OP, one thing I would warn against: the cookie cutter idea that if you jump through all her hoops she will magically want intimacy with you.

That isn't true.

No. It's not.

It may work for a few people, but it most certainly is NOT across the board, and you will end up on an endless hamster wheel of wanting intimacy and being told you aren't trying hard enough or haven't tried long enough.
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Old 29th August 2017, 12:13 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Rivendell View Post
I know the whole thing is very depressing for her, as she used to have a great sex drive, and I think she avoids it because not being able to perform I am sure causes depression and other issues. Like a man having trouble dealing with erectile problems, it has to be a very hard thing to deal with.
Yes, it will be very depressing for her. She is living a life where touch and affection from a lover, are virtually non-existent, due to her illness and I guess some resentment built up too.
I guess it is just too hard for her to face what she has lost, so is burying her head in the sand. She does not want to be reminded of the way she used to be, so has shut down.

I guess she would never in her wildest dreams think you are seeing a prostitute, so stop trying to justify it with thinking she somehow gave you permission, she didn't.
Off the cuff remarks are not permission, they are just off the cuff remarks.

YOU are now lost in a heady dream world but that is not reality, but it may become reality when your wife finds out...
I guess she would be very hurt and disappointed, if not actually disgusted to learn you are paying a prostitute to get relief.
And do not say this woman is not a prostitute of course she is, and when you waken up from your dreamy orgasmic haze, you will think so too.

YOU are 46, long time ahead of you and too young to be doing this IMO, and it could all just blow up in your face big time, but it is your life...
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