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Dealing with the Ex and her AP turned Hubby


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 3rd September 2017, 8:28 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi Folks, I agree with deadsoul in that forgiveness is for one's self and not for the person being forgiven. I think, as humans, we hold resentments, hurts and negative feelings within us even if, outwardly, we present a brave and cheerful face. The act of forgiving is a symbolic way of chucking this burden off our back and shoulders. By this simple act one frees oneself up to be able to move forward in life unhindered by any negativism. I have read of cases where family folk have forgiven someone who has murdered a loved one. That has been the only way they have been able to let go of heart wrenching pain and return to a life of happiness once again.

While forgiving someone is cathartic it can also be very difficult to actually bring one's self to do so. It requires a higher degree of resolve than most of us have. We carry on with the pain and hurt for a long time, clinging on to it as if it is some family heirloom precious beyond measure. In fact some people are never able to bring themselves to do so and remain bitter and hurt till the end of their days. It is not something easily done. OP, having done so is probably a stronger person than some of us and we can only appreciate his fortitude for having forgiven his straying ex wife. He will be the better for it. Whether she and her accomplice in adultery and now her new husband will is a moot point. Warm wishes.

Letting go is not the same as forgiving.

Letting go is accepting what happened because it
can not be undone. And allowing the memories to
fade so the triggers fade as well.

Letting go is no longer spending time and effort to
hate the offending party/ies because they do not deserve
occupying any of the victims head space.

They are simply not worth any effort, mentally and
physically.

Forgive ex-WW's
Forgive what ex-WW's
We don't need to forgive no stinkin' ex-WW's

Just let them go and not give them any thoughts or
any responses.
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Old 4th September 2017, 10:47 PM   #62
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He doesn't have to tell her he forgives her... he can do that in his mind and in my book, that's part of letting go. Become indifferent to the whole thing. Much better than hating or being angry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
Letting go is not the same as forgiving.

Letting go is accepting what happened because it
can not be undone. And allowing the memories to
fade so the triggers fade as well.

Letting go is no longer spending time and effort to
hate the offending party/ies because they do not deserve
occupying any of the victims head space.

They are simply not worth any effort, mentally and
physically.

Forgive ex-WW's
Forgive what ex-WW's
We don't need to forgive no stinkin' ex-WW's

Just let them go and not give them any thoughts or
any responses.
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Old 5th September 2017, 2:41 AM   #63
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Originally Posted by deadsoul View Post
He doesn't have to tell her he forgives her... he can do that in his mind and in my book, that's part of letting go. Become indifferent to the whole thing. Much better than hating or being angry.
Yes best to become indifferent.

Though he owes his WW nothing and should
of not thrown some crumbs in her direction.
There is no need to crumb throw first to move
onto indifference.

He did not just do it in his mind he told her so.
That is the sticking point. BH's that come here
and read need to learn that a BH does not
throw ego kibbles to the ex-WW.

They have signs at our national parks with wild
animals that say:

Do not feed the animals - Dangerous Unsafe.
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Old 5th September 2017, 8:25 AM   #64
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The BEST thing for the OP to do is whatever HE feels is best to do. End of story.
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“Here's what is truly at the heart of wholeheartedness: Worthy now, not if, not when, we're worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.”
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Old 5th September 2017, 10:35 AM   #65
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Reading all these posts from BS is really disheartening...I think it's a great thing for your own mental wellbeing to do as you want. It's shows you truly have "let it go"...my husband & I both had A & we reconciled & I can honestly say we've really let it all go...that's what forgiveness is, or it's not forgiveness & we forgive for our own self not for anyone else.

What your doing shows you're a strong, mentally healthy & all around internally good man. You seemed to have gone through the hurt, overcome it to make you a better person & are putting your kid's first as being a great example of strength. As a Christian you're practicing what you preach, which is wonderful.

IMO, you're an example of not using a A as a way to be miserable forever...& I personally think it's a good thing for other BS to see, that it can be done. Good luck!
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Old 5th September 2017, 11:36 AM   #66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whoknew30 View Post
Reading all these posts from BS is really disheartening...I think it's a great thing for your own mental wellbeing to do as you want. It's shows you truly have "let it go"...my husband & I both had A & we reconciled & I can honestly say we've really let it all go...that's what forgiveness is, or it's not forgiveness & we forgive for our own self not for anyone else.

What your doing shows you're a strong, mentally healthy & all around internally good man. You seemed to have gone through the hurt, overcome it to make you a better person & are putting your kid's first as being a great example of strength. As a Christian you're practicing what you preach, which is wonderful.

IMO, you're an example of not using a A as a way to be miserable forever...& I personally think it's a good thing for other BS to see, that it can be done. Good luck!
I agree. Too many people drink from one brand of kool aid, and there is no one size fits all for this.

No...there's not.
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Old 5th September 2017, 5:53 PM   #67
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Kinda funny how we can all debate this all day... yet OP did what is best for his situation...and is content with the results. That's all that matters, in my book.

But yes, to each his own.
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Old 5th September 2017, 6:45 PM   #68
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First.. I'm thankful for all your support and opinions.. that's why I post here. I don't take offense to anything you share. I did what I did to bring peace in my head and heart on my own terms.. some may agree, others not so much.. both understood and respected.. I returned to my usual cold and distant ways at our weekly drop off about 20 mins ago. She asked "are you mad at me or something?" To which I didn't engage or even acknowledge. Strapped my sons in their car seats,kissed them, told her to drive safe and entered my gym for my daily workout. She spewed more hate while I walked away as I stuffed my earbuds in my ears. Not my circus not my monkeys.. I have nothing else to say to her.. period. I said my peace.. and now the gates close on her. Forever.
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Old 5th September 2017, 7:18 PM   #69
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First.. I'm thankful for all your support and opinions.. that's why I post here. I don't take offense to anything you share. I did what I did to bring peace in my head and heart on my own terms.. some may agree, others not so much.. both understood and respected.. I returned to my usual cold and distant ways at our weekly drop off about 20 mins ago. She asked "are you mad at me or something?" To which I didn't engage or even acknowledge. Strapped my sons in their car seats,kissed them, told her to drive safe and entered my gym for my daily workout. She spewed more hate while I walked away as I stuffed my earbuds in my ears. Not my circus not my monkeys.. I have nothing else to say to her.. period. I said my peace.. and now the gates close on her. Forever.
I am glad that you did not answer her.

Her "are you mad at me" is her still pushing
her agenda to have you pretend that everyone
is still one big happy family and friends after
what she did to you and your children.

Your "I forgive you" led her to believe that you
finally came around to her way of thinking.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

Then stop going there and feeding the monkeys.
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Old 8th September 2017, 4:37 PM   #70
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I am glad that you did not answer her.

Her "are you mad at me" is her still pushing
her agenda to have you pretend that everyone
is still one big happy family and friends after
what she did to you and your children.

Your "I forgive you" led her to believe that you
finally came around to her way of thinking.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

Then stop going there and feeding the monkeys.
No, sometimes people just think the issue is over...she knows she hurt him but it's over.

I find it weird that if a WS leaves a spouse that the BS doesn't appreciate it later on. What spouse wants to be married to someone that no longer loves you? I'd rather have my husband leave me vs staying with me just for the family's sake. Then again no one holds the value of my self esteem but me...I think more adults need to learn being betrayed is hurtful but no one elseis in charge of your self esteem & self confidence but you. OP, is in control of his & many people can look at him as an example, he's doing it right & he was hurt like anybody else is but he didn't hand his self respect over & has really put it to bed.
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Old 9th September 2017, 7:36 AM   #71
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No, sometimes people just think the issue is over...she knows she hurt him but it's over.

I find it weird that if a WS leaves a spouse that the BS doesn't appreciate it later on. What spouse wants to be married to someone that no longer loves you? I'd rather have my husband leave me vs staying with me just for the family's sake. Then again no one holds the value of my self esteem but me...I think more adults need to learn being betrayed is hurtful but no one elseis in charge of your self esteem & self confidence but you. OP, is in control of his & many people can look at him as an example, he's doing it right & he was hurt like anybody else is but he didn't hand his self respect over & has really put it to bed.
Yes and no.. while I am thankful to be removed from someone like her who cheated on me multiple times.. she didn't do me any favors removing my kids from my life half the time.. that I will never forgive her for unfortunately. I return to the adage that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. She did a bang up job of destroying a lot of my outward happiness temporarily, I refuse to let her destroy my inner happiness permanently. Which is why I had to apologize for some of the classless things I was responsible for saying to her when I was hurt. It's not discounting what she did.. but that's her burden to carry into her new relationship and marriage. Not mine
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Old 9th September 2017, 1:02 PM   #72
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Originally Posted by SingleDad82 View Post
She asked "are you mad at me or something?" To which I didn't engage or even acknowledge. Strapped my sons in their car seats,kissed them, told her to drive safe and entered my gym for my daily workout. She spewed more hate while I walked away as I stuffed my earbuds in my ears. Not my circus not my monkeys.
The next time that she asks you something like "are you mad at me", tell her that you are not her husband anymore, and that she needs to stop trying to still control you as if you were. Then tell her "Not my circus not my monkey" as you walk away.
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Old 19th September 2017, 12:04 AM   #73
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Yes and no.. while I am thankful to be removed from someone like her who cheated on me multiple times.. she didn't do me any favors removing my kids from my life half the time.. that I will never forgive her for unfortunately. I return to the adage that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. She did a bang up job of destroying a lot of my outward happiness temporarily, I refuse to let her destroy my inner happiness permanently. Which is why I had to apologize for some of the classless things I was responsible for saying to her when I was hurt. It's not discounting what she did.. but that's her burden to carry into her new relationship and marriage. Not mine
SingleDad82, it sounds overall like you're doing a pretty good job taking care of yourself. Having been there, still being there, it's a complex lot of emotions that shift from day to day.

My ex left me for another man. It was someone she knew before we ever met, someone she fancied all along no doubt, someone who was in fact single when we got married. But she chose to marry me anyway, have three kids with me, then dump me for him and content her self with money from her parents, him, and me while I work and she doesn't.

We play the cards that we are dealt. Except for one or two minor, correctable issues I did the best I could in my marriage. She really didn't after a while, on reflection she slacked off more and more. So I have little to no guilt about that sort of thing.

But I can't turn a blind eye to the losses. Divorce is very expensive in my case. I'm making all of the financial sacrifices. My ex has gotten away clean. My ex puts up a front of utter shamelessness. She's a pro. She's made a fool of me, gotten everything she wanted and paid no penalty. I don't want to be her, but still...

I miss the days without my kids. I miss the loss of innocence, though I suppose that goes with aging. I'd like to be in a better place financially after all of these years in the workforce and a fairly careful lifestyle.

I am seeing a woman. The sex is flattering, but the companionship and sense of connection, what there is of it, is probably more important. I take what I can get. It's a more honest relationship in some ways. But I'll never be able to trust in the same way again. I can't really tell the good ones from the bad ones. I know I can be a good person, but can my partner? It takes two. If I find another bad partner, I'll just get taken to the cleaners financially and emotionally again, and I'm running out of years, running out of ability to recover emotionally.

Plus, I'm guessing that the 75% divorce rate applies to ALL second marriages. Even those who were jilted in their first marriages. Two people who can't trust their partners isn't good either.

Anyway, we all have a lot to chew on, good luck. You're a good man.
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Old 19th September 2017, 7:47 PM   #74
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SingleDad82, it sounds overall like you're doing a pretty good job taking care of yourself. Having been there, still being there, it's a complex lot of emotions that shift from day to day.

My ex left me for another man. It was someone she knew before we ever met, someone she fancied all along no doubt, someone who was in fact single when we got married. But she chose to marry me anyway, have three kids with me, then dump me for him and content her self with money from her parents, him, and me while I work and she doesn't.

We play the cards that we are dealt. Except for one or two minor, correctable issues I did the best I could in my marriage. She really didn't after a while, on reflection she slacked off more and more. So I have little to no guilt about that sort of thing.

But I can't turn a blind eye to the losses. Divorce is very expensive in my case. I'm making all of the financial sacrifices. My ex has gotten away clean. My ex puts up a front of utter shamelessness. She's a pro. She's made a fool of me, gotten everything she wanted and paid no penalty. I don't want to be her, but still...

I miss the days without my kids. I miss the loss of innocence, though I suppose that goes with aging. I'd like to be in a better place financially after all of these years in the workforce and a fairly careful lifestyle.

I am seeing a woman. The sex is flattering, but the companionship and sense of connection, what there is of it, is probably more important. I take what I can get. It's a more honest relationship in some ways. But I'll never be able to trust in the same way again. I can't really tell the good ones from the bad ones. I know I can be a good person, but can my partner? It takes two. If I find another bad partner, I'll just get taken to the cleaners financially and emotionally again, and I'm running out of years, running out of ability to recover emotionally.

Plus, I'm guessing that the 75% divorce rate applies to ALL second marriages. Even those who were jilted in their first marriages. Two people who can't trust their partners isn't good either.

Anyway, we all have a lot to chew on, good luck. You're a good man.

I appreciate the kind words. The shamelessness part I get.. and that’s the hardest part to swallow really. Things might be different had she showed any type of remorse for the things she did to me, to our family dynamic. It’s all fun and games it seems from her end. New marriage, new baby on the way, trips. While everyone else suffers. I knew she was cold enough to do what she did.. I never knew she’d be so heartless as to not even be remorseful of it. I waited a really long time for a heartfelt and honest apology for the damage she caused, but the truth is she wasn’t and still isn’t sorry. Some people just speed through life wrecking anything in their path on the way to their own “happiness” without any regard for anyone.. they “love” you while you’re pleasing them.. and then discard you when you stop being their puppet. Not a good way to live life.. not a good way to treat people either.

Your pride takes a serious beating when you get dumped for someone else.. especially when the AP isn’t fit to shine your shoes. It’s bittersweet to hear people say “she’s nuts for leaving YOU for THAT”.. while it has its perks, it’s also mind numbing. Different strokes for different folks I guess. I became really jaded by the whole thing.. which has damaged my ability for serious relationships right now.. I just get the general feeling that Karma is BS.. and people can and sometime do gontheir whole life without ever having to answer for the pain they cause. It’s sad I know, but I don’t want to be one of those people who gets ahead on the backs of others. My integrity as a man and father is worth more than that. If I spend the rest of my life alone.. so be it. It just sucks. Why should I carry the burden for her infidelity? I guess I’ll never understand it. But it is what it is
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Old 20th September 2017, 11:26 PM   #75
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I appreciate the kind words. The shamelessness part I get.. and that’s the hardest part to swallow really. Things might be different had she showed any type of remorse for the things she did to me, to our family dynamic. It’s all fun and games it seems from her end. New marriage, new baby on the way, trips. While everyone else suffers. I knew she was cold enough to do what she did.. I never knew she’d be so heartless as to not even be remorseful of it. I waited a really long time for a heartfelt and honest apology for the damage she caused, but the truth is she wasn’t and still isn’t sorry. Some people just speed through life wrecking anything in their path on the way to their own “happiness” without any regard for anyone.. they “love” you while you’re pleasing them.. and then discard you when you stop being their puppet. Not a good way to live life.. not a good way to treat people either.

Your pride takes a serious beating when you get dumped for someone else.. especially when the AP isn’t fit to shine your shoes. It’s bittersweet to hear people say “she’s nuts for leaving YOU for THAT”.. while it has its perks, it’s also mind numbing. Different strokes for different folks I guess. I became really jaded by the whole thing.. which has damaged my ability for serious relationships right now.. I just get the general feeling that Karma is BS.. and people can and sometime do gontheir whole life without ever having to answer for the pain they cause. It’s sad I know, but I don’t want to be one of those people who gets ahead on the backs of others. My integrity as a man and father is worth more than that. If I spend the rest of my life alone.. so be it. It just sucks. Why should I carry the burden for her infidelity? I guess I’ll never understand it. But it is what it is
I am not holding out hope for karma either.

Let's face it. Put yourself in her shoes. I am not saying I could never cheat, never do that. But in fact I did not cheat and leave, you did not cheat and leave. Our spouses did that.

Now part of the reason I wasn't very tempted to do that is I can empathize. I know how bad it would feel, it's awful. I can't justify inflicting that sort of pain on someone else.

But the cheaters don't feel the same way. They don't feel the empathy. They feel justified, that they deserve to do what they're doing. Maybe my ex is sitting right now, smirking and laughing. She cackles now, I've seen it. Literally cackles like the Wicked Witch.

Well, since you and I refrain from hurting other people, if we're with a spouse that doesn't care, of course there is going to be fallout, tremendous pain. Nothing in the world can change that. It's tremendously damaging. THAT'S WHY IT'S WRONG!!! But yeah, if you commit a wrong and don't care, there's going to be pain for other people.

All you and I can do is heal ourselves, live right, do what's best for us and our kids. But the pain is real... but that's part of life I guess. Many have seen worse.
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