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Dealing with the Ex and her AP turned Hubby


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 2nd September 2017, 2:33 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by SingleDad82 View Post
Thank you for the kind words! I really got the feeling like I made a horrible mistake and un-did months of discipline by doing that.. It didn't seem like it was a bad idea to me until I read that response LOL! I'm not interested in torture or punishment, it's not my MO. Forgiveness wasn't to give her the impression I came to terms and accepted what she's done. Just that to understand and appreciate what it took to get me out of a very unhealthy situation and into a happy life again.

I'm just glad to know I'm not wrong for "holding a grudge" against a guy that helped her destroy my dream family life with my kids. I hold them BOTH equally accountable, but there is a level of "respect" I have to instill in my sons having her as their mother that I don't feel I have to extend to the homewrecker. I just needed someone to tell me it was OK! Hope that makes sense...
Doesn't matter what any of us think. If YOU feel you did the right thing, then you did. You owe nothing to new husband, except maybe being civil around him when your sons are around since he is in their lives now. By forgiving her, you aren't saying what she did is okay, but you are saying you are letting go. Which you did for you, not her.

Your best "revenge" is to be a good dad and have a happy life.
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Old 2nd September 2017, 8:34 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by deadsoul View Post
Doesn't matter what any of us think. If YOU feel you did the right thing, then you did. You owe nothing to new husband, except maybe being civil around him when your sons are around since he is in their lives now. By forgiving her, you aren't saying what she did is okay, but you are saying you are letting go. Which you did for you, not her.

Your best "revenge" is to be a good dad and have a happy life.
There is nothing for this BH to forgive.

Wait a minute how about forgiving that he is
a part time dad?

How about forgiving that the POS OM is now
being a step dad raising his kids?

All he can do is let go for he can not get revenge
without getting into trouble.

However to let go does not require a BH to forgive.
Letting go is just throwing in the towel and putting
thoughts out of his mind. There is nothing to
fight, nothing to win.
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Old 2nd September 2017, 9:01 PM   #48
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Thanks all.. I had an event at my kids school last night and pulled her aside because I felt God calling me to tell her I was sorry if I ever said anything to her that was mean during our divorce, and that I forgave her because I didn't feel as if my heart would be prepared for the place God was about to take me in my life without releasing the burden to Him. That it changed nothing of how I felt towards her situation but that I looked forward to closing that chapter of my life and effectively raising the kids as decent coparents, and nothin more. Congratulated her on the impending birth of her new baby, wished her well and rode out.

Now that I got off my chest what I needed to, I can move forward in the peace of my decisions knowing I did the honorable thing, and thankfully (thanks to your support) can move forward knowing that I don't ever have to accept the OM or am wrong for not seeking a relationship with him. Now it's zero-dark-thirty for them and that circus for the foreseeable future.

I got a half-hearted "thank you" but I really didn't expect anymore more. After all, I didn't do it for her.. I did it for me!
Did she ever give you an apology for what she did to you?
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Old 2nd September 2017, 9:10 PM   #49
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All cheaters want to be friends after their destruction.

It's all for them. It helps alieviate guilt, etc.

Definition of friend= honest, loyal, trustworthy. She's not your friend.

Zero contact or engagement. Text or email, kids only. It's what will work best for you. She's not your concern anymore.
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Old 2nd September 2017, 10:33 PM   #50
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Why are you carrying the torch of indignation for this dude? He did what he had to do feel better for himself. Does it really matter as long as he heals? Or is it just you are disappointed he did not further your own personal agenda? The dude is at peace and that is the only thing that matters. Unless you believe you know what is best for him? If so, tell him how he should live his life. I'm rather curious?
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Old 3rd September 2017, 12:55 AM   #51
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OP said, "Forgiveness wasn't to give her the impression I came to terms and accepted what she's done. Just that to understand and appreciate what it took to get me out of a very unhealthy situation and into a happy life again."

This is what was referring to in my reply. If you feel there's nothing for him to forgive, that's your business, but he feels there is. Unless I'm completely reading his post wrong, which is entirely possible. This guy is rising above. He has plenty to be angry/angry and pissed off about as you've stated in your post.

As I said before, he's not forgiving her or telling her it's okay what she's done. He's just letting go. Seems like a better way to live to me. Kudos OP. I hope you find your own happiness because you are worthy of a wonderful person who will take care and honor you as you should be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
There is nothing for this BH to forgive.

Wait a minute how about forgiving that he is
a part time dad?

How about forgiving that the POS OM is now
being a step dad raising his kids?

All he can do is let go for he can not get revenge
without getting into trouble.

However to let go does not require a BH to forgive.
Letting go is just throwing in the towel and putting
thoughts out of his mind. There is nothing to
fight, nothing to win.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 8:11 AM   #52
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Originally Posted by deadsoul View Post
OP said, "Forgiveness wasn't to give her the impression I came to terms and accepted what she's done. Just that to understand and appreciate what it took to get me out of a very unhealthy situation and into a happy life again."

This is what was referring to in my reply. If you feel there's nothing for him to forgive, that's your business, but he feels there is. Unless I'm completely reading his post wrong, which is entirely possible. This guy is rising above. He has plenty to be angry/angry and pissed off about as you've stated in your post.

As I said before, he's not forgiving her or telling her it's okay what she's done. He's just letting go. Seems like a better way to live to me. Kudos OP. I hope you find your own happiness because you are worthy of a wonderful person who will take care and honor you as you should be.

All that needs to be done to rise above a WW
after the divorce is to just ignore her.

No apology needed.
No closure.
Nothing.

Just ignore.

As to say it was OK: " telling her it's okay what she's done."

I am sorry that you think it is OK for a BS to say to their
WS that it was ok that you had an affair.

BH to WW: no problema, hasta vista.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 9:25 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by road View Post
All that needs to be done to rise above a WW
after the divorce is to just ignore her.

No apology needed.
No closure.
Nothing.

Just ignore.

As to say it was OK: " telling her it's okay what she's done."

I am sorry that you think it is OK for a BS to say to their
WS that it was ok that you had an affair.

BH to WW: no problema, hasta vista.
I never said that it was okay. If you reread my post, I said, by forgiving her, you AREN'T saying it's okay.

Because it's not okay. But he's letting go. Why is that a problem for you? Your posts come across to me as being angry. If that's working for you, keep on with it. I respect your opinion, even if I don't necessarily agree. OP seems to be taking a different direction and if that's working for him, I respect that too.

Ps. In my post above I said angry/angry and that makes no sense. I thought I had deleted that but apparently not. Haha. Eh. Who am I kidding? Half the time I don't make sense.

Last edited by deadsoul; 3rd September 2017 at 9:28 AM..
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Old 3rd September 2017, 10:44 AM   #54
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Hi Folks, I agree with deadsoul in that forgiveness is for one's self and not for the person being forgiven. I think, as humans, we hold resentments, hurts and negative feelings within us even if, outwardly, we present a brave and cheerful face. The act of forgiving is a symbolic way of chucking this burden off our back and shoulders. By this simple act one frees oneself up to be able to move forward in life unhindered by any negativism. I have read of cases where family folk have forgiven someone who has murdered a loved one. That has been the only way they have been able to let go of heart wrenching pain and return to a life of happiness once again.

While forgiving someone is cathartic it can also be very difficult to actually bring one's self to do so. It requires a higher degree of resolve than most of us have. We carry on with the pain and hurt for a long time, clinging on to it as if it is some family heirloom precious beyond measure. In fact some people are never able to bring themselves to do so and remain bitter and hurt till the end of their days. It is not something easily done. OP, having done so is probably a stronger person than some of us and we can only appreciate his fortitude for having forgiven his straying ex wife. He will be the better for it. Whether she and her accomplice in adultery and now her new husband will is a moot point. Warm wishes.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 10:49 AM   #55
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If that's what it takes for OP to move on its fine.

However, for his future the tact he's taking (zero contact or engagement except kids) is his best path forward.

No other woman is going to want an X in the mix. The X is nothing to him now and will become a distant bad memory if he continues to play this right.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 11:25 AM   #56
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Hi Singledad, you have not mentioned whether you have been dating again or not. I guess being religiously inclined, you may be waiting till you have been able to completely erased the memory of your ex from your mind. It would be therapeutic for you to at least cultivate some female companionship, not so much for the sake of sex as for social inter course. Apart from anything else it will boost your morale sky high. I guess it's something that should be on your radar. Warm wishes.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 12:10 PM   #57
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I never said that it was okay. If you reread my post, I said, by forgiving her, you AREN'T saying it's okay.

Because it's not okay. But he's letting go. Why is that a problem for you? Your posts come across to me as being angry. If that's working for you, keep on with it. I respect your opinion, even if I don't necessarily agree. OP seems to be taking a different direction and if that's working for him, I respect that too.
He let her go when he signed the divorce papers.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 12:35 PM   #58
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He let her go when he signed the divorce papers.
Um yeah, sure he did... how about emotionally? That takes much longer...
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Old 3rd September 2017, 3:36 PM   #59
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Idk. I've always thought forgiveness was ridiculously overrated and unnecessary. But to each his/her own.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 4:51 PM   #60
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Idk. I've always thought forgiveness was ridiculously overrated and unnecessary. But to each his/her own.
I agree. You just cut contact amap then let time fix the rest. Most just can't leave it alone.

The only person that can keep you in limbo is yourself.
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