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Dealing with the Ex and her AP turned Hubby


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Old 28th August 2017, 1:29 PM   #1
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Dealing with the Ex and her AP turned Hubby

So,

I was divorced in June of last year.. Six months later she was re-married to her AP, and six months after that she got pregnant with his kid. This guy is officially going to be around for the long haul, which I don't really mind.. I've healed, and moved on and honestly, looking at the dynamic of their relationship and how very controlling and spoiled she is from the outside looking in am thankful to be away from it.. Even at the expense of my children's home life. I couldn't think of no sweeter ending for me than to know this guy that helped breakup my marriage would be stuck with her for the rest of his life.

I've always maintained and am wired as the type of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. She's approached me on several occasions stating how she didn't "like how I treat her." This has to do with the fact that I simply don't acknowledge either of their presence at events for my kids. I am respectful when it comes to teaching my sons to love and respect their mother, and always will. However, I don't have much respect or much to say to this other guy.. I don't really care for "men" like him and he knows it. But, this of course causes awkward tension..

So, my question.. While I don't really seek friendship with my ex or her new hubby, I don't like giving off the impression that I'm bitter or still not over what happened. Should I approach him and shake his hand and be the "bigger person"? It feels fake.. and I don't like fake.. Am I wrong for just wanting to be polite when spoken to but not outwardly over friendly?

I struggle.. As a Christian man I feel as though I should be kind, loving and accepting of this guy because he's good to my kids. But, I don't respect him..What cracks me up is I couldn't imagine her reaction if I were to approach him in a friendly manner.. Almost worth it just to see her face.. Decisions decisions...any help?
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Old 28th August 2017, 1:36 PM   #2
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Are you glaring at them or something? If not, unless you are making a big show and running the other way, then she is being overly sensitive. There's no reason for small talk. Maybe a brief hello if you feel like it, but she is just, IMO, still trying to control you.

Just be a great dad to your kids and don't worry about her issues.
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Old 28th August 2017, 1:44 PM   #3
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Are you glaring at them or something? If not, unless you are making a big show and running the other way, then she is being overly sensitive. There's no reason for small talk. Maybe a brief hello if you feel like it, but she is just, IMO, still trying to control you.

Just be a great dad to your kids and don't worry about her issues.
Certainly not, quite the opposite really. I think she struggles with the fact that I'm doing well afterall. I am in the best shape of my life both spiritually and physically. Maintain healthy relationships with my friends, found hobbies that I love, etc. My quality of life has improved greatly since I stopped caring.

I tried for many months, even after or separation, to try to reconcile my marriage because it's what I believe. But there came a point where I quit trying, and then it was no looking back.

I'm not mean at all. Just indifferent, almost how anyone would act sitting next to a stranger. I don't really have any emotion about their marriage, new baby, or the affair itself. We co-parent well, but I only acknowledge her when it comes to direct discussion about our children. Nothing else. Nothing else to say really. She takes this as "rudeness".. I'm not really sure what she is expecting from me.I am a happy person. This is mainly why I ask the question..

I don't want to seem petty, or act like I'm giving them the silent treatment. It's not like that. But I also don't want to stroke this guys ego either. He walks around like we were in competition or something and he "won" the prize. I don't mind being friendly, but I also have self respect and SOME pride. I'd like to maintain my dignity at least.
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Old 28th August 2017, 1:45 PM   #4
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You are under no obligation to assist her with image management.
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Old 28th August 2017, 1:53 PM   #5
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I think what you are doing is perfect: being indifferent to them.
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Old 28th August 2017, 1:59 PM   #6
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You don't owe her squat. Give a polite nod to both of them at the next event, so that she has no basis to bother you about it anymore. Don't bother speaking to them if you don't want to. Surround yourself with people that matter.
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Old 28th August 2017, 2:18 PM   #7
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You owe her nothing. Like another poster suggested just nod at them to acknowledge their prensence....and then continue ignoring them.
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Old 28th August 2017, 2:18 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by SingleDad82 View Post
So,

I was divorced in June of last year.. Six months later she was re-married to her AP, and six months after that she got pregnant with his kid. This guy is officially going to be around for the long haul, which I don't really mind.. I've healed, and moved on and honestly, looking at the dynamic of their relationship and how very controlling and spoiled she is from the outside looking in am thankful to be away from it.. Even at the expense of my children's home life. I couldn't think of no sweeter ending for me than to know this guy that helped breakup my marriage would be stuck with her for the rest of his life.

I've always maintained and am wired as the type of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. She's approached me on several occasions stating how she didn't "like how I treat her." This has to do with the fact that I simply don't acknowledge either of their presence at events for my kids. I am respectful when it comes to teaching my sons to love and respect their mother, and always will. However, I don't have much respect or much to say to this other guy.. I don't really care for "men" like him and he knows it. But, this of course causes awkward tension..

So, my question.. While I don't really seek friendship with my ex or her new hubby, I don't like giving off the impression that I'm bitter or still not over what happened. Should I approach him and shake his hand and be the "bigger person"? It feels fake.. and I don't like fake.. Am I wrong for just wanting to be polite when spoken to but not outwardly over friendly?

I struggle.. As a Christian man I feel as though I should be kind, loving and accepting of this guy because he's good to my kids. But, I don't respect him..What cracks me up is I couldn't imagine her reaction if I were to approach him in a friendly manner.. Almost worth it just to see her face.. Decisions decisions...any help?
Why would you ever shake his hand unless you clock him with the other. My God, this guy did all he could to ruin your marriage and you don't get to live full time with your kids anymore. Bad people do these kinds of things. Frankly, if I was the OM and did what he did to you and you shook my hand I would laughing at what a weak wimp you are. He doesn't deserve any respect at all from you. You don't owe any of them anything. You are not the one who should feel awkward.
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Old 28th August 2017, 2:22 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SingleDad82 View Post
So,

I was divorced in June of last year.. Six months later she was re-married to her AP, and six months after that she got pregnant with his kid. This guy is officially going to be around for the long haul, which I don't really mind.. I've healed, and moved on and honestly, looking at the dynamic of their relationship and how very controlling and spoiled she is from the outside looking in am thankful to be away from it.. Even at the expense of my children's home life. I couldn't think of no sweeter ending for me than to know this guy that helped breakup my marriage would be stuck with her for the rest of his life.

I've always maintained and am wired as the type of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. She's approached me on several occasions stating how she didn't "like how I treat her." This has to do with the fact that I simply don't acknowledge either of their presence at events for my kids. I am respectful when it comes to teaching my sons to love and respect their mother, and always will. However, I don't have much respect or much to say to this other guy.. I don't really care for "men" like him and he knows it. But, this of course causes awkward tension..

So, my question.. While I don't really seek friendship with my ex or her new hubby, I don't like giving off the impression that I'm bitter or still not over what happened. Should I approach him and shake his hand and be the "bigger person"? It feels fake.. and I don't like fake.. Am I wrong for just wanting to be polite when spoken to but not outwardly over friendly?

I struggle.. As a Christian man I feel as though I should be kind, loving and accepting of this guy because he's good to my kids. But, I don't respect him..What cracks me up is I couldn't imagine her reaction if I were to approach him in a friendly manner.. Almost worth it just to see her face.. Decisions decisions...any help?

I get it...all of it. I've made it very clear that I will not be anywhere where the OW is. Period. But, I can see how your situation is different and you will have to run into him from time to time. I don't think you have to shake his hand...but a slight smile, or hello in their general direction...for the kids would be nice. I personally wouldn't shake his hand. That's too much respect (call me bitter)... and I'm Christian and really respect you trying to take the high road in that situation. It's not an easy task.
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Old 28th August 2017, 5:15 PM   #10
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It's a fact that you feel a little uncomfortable with the current situation, otherwise you wouldn't have came here to open a post about it.

You should do what's best for you. I think that next time he's arround you, as you seggested, go, introduce yourself and shake his hand. This single simple gesture, will calm everybody down, and will also free your mind from over analyzing it. No one will ever think you are bitter. The good news is you will need to do it only once. The next occasions you'll bump into him you can just nod, or say a brief "Hi" if he is right beside you. THAT'S IT! Problem solved.
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Old 28th August 2017, 5:47 PM   #11
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Singledad,

I haven't read the other responses but your post made my day! You've been through h_ll and have come out on the other side of it with a great attitude and no apparent bitterness! Congratulations!

Imo, you're doing just fine to ignore both your ex and her H unless you're dealing with the kids. If there ever comes a day when you feel differently, by God's grace, then act accordingly. As long as you're not unkind, pray about it and handle it however you want to.

I believe in His timing God will bring you a wonderful woman and give you a lifetime of happiness with her!

PS I want to add that you are in God's hands and if He wants you to interact with them socially He will give the desire to do that to you. Pray about it and follow His lead.

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 28th August 2017 at 5:52 PM..
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Old 28th August 2017, 6:20 PM   #12
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You may want to remind her that your behavior is a direct results of her actions. She is no longer your friend, buddies or pal, but someone you thought that you know. However, she is the mother of your children and should treat her with respect for their sake, not hers. You should also assist them with presents for her, cards and other nice things that a young man should do for his mother.

If the other man is good to your boys, then this is a good thing and should not be dismissed. I think that we all need to treat one another with civility that is again a lesson you are teaching your boys more than a courtesy to him personally. Additionally, I think we all need to remember that the other person didn't do anything that our ex did not let them do. That does not mean you have to like them, but it is the ex that made the vow to love, honor and forsake all others. I therefore place the majority of the blame for the demise of the relationship on them and not the other person. That is just my humble opinion.
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Old 28th August 2017, 7:19 PM   #13
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This sounds like it would be more of a "loser accept defeat graciously" handshake. You could do it but it would mean nothing to you. To be honest I would be reluctant to shake a man's hand who betrayed me with my wife or ex.

I would just tell her you are happy to co-parent and you want to keep things civil but you are not interested in any forced creepy handshakes or fake friendships.

For a real friendship they would need to sit down and be honest with you and apologize and give you a better chance to heal. You could build a friendship on this albeit a slightly spiteful one. It doesn't appear that's on the table for you so she just wants to keep up appearances and give the impression to everyone she is in control. You could just shake is hand and continue to ignore her. She sounds controlling and you will grow to pity AP.

Last edited by smi11ie; 28th August 2017 at 9:09 PM..
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Old 28th August 2017, 9:16 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post
It's a fact that you feel a little uncomfortable with the current situation, otherwise you wouldn't have came here to open a post about it.

You should do what's best for you. I think that next time he's arround you, as you seggested, go, introduce yourself and shake his hand. This single simple gesture, will calm everybody down, and will also free your mind from over analyzing it. No one will ever think you are bitter. The good news is you will need to do it only once. The next occasions you'll bump into him you can just nod, or say a brief "Hi" if he is right beside you. THAT'S IT! Problem solved.
No way
No how
No where
Today, Sunday or any other day.
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Old 28th August 2017, 9:20 PM   #15
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Single dad, what you're doing is A ok.

The problem is that your ex-WW wants you
to put on the act to ease her guilt and have
you minimize her cheating on you and then
marrying the OM.
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