Wife had 3 affairs. 4 months after we were married.

[radsoft007]

I got married to my parter of 7 years last summer. In February I found out that 4 months into our marriage she'd had a one night stand with someone on a drunken night out, embarked on a 3 month affair with a work colleague and was sniffing around another man on Facebook.

 

I'd also found out that she'd joined a secret Facebook group and was saying some pretty ****ty things about me and my children (I have 2 from a previous relationship and she has 1, we have different approaches to parenting, both have good points, both have bad points). The one night stand and the potential Facebook lover were members of the private group.

 

Been through all the emotions from despair through anger through depression ... you all know the sort of thing. Still loved her very much and realised that I had a big part to play in her decision to do what she did.

 

We were both heavy drinkers and my wife was and still is on anti depressants. I believe she had a mental breakdown (this all occurred within the same 3 months before I found out).

 

So, rather than throw the towel in, we had an honest conversation and decided to see a councillor together and stop drinking (neither of us have touched a drop for 4 months). She told me everything and, rightly or wrongly, I believed most of what she told me(because I've cross referenced her story with information I have that she isn't aware I have). Her saving grace that brought me back from the brink of an instant divorce was that she didn't enjoy the 3 month affair and didn't even like the person she was with. She was also blind drunk when she had her one night stand and this 3 months of madness was a result of her not getting enough emotional and physical attention from me (I completely dropped the ball emotionally for a long time and I completely blame myself for this although I never felt wanted in the relationship). But i also know she should have spoken to me like an adult instead of cowardly betraying our marriage.

 

The councilling helped a lot and we decided to lay some ground rules down and make an effort to work things out. She also saw her own therapist for a while but that wasn't much use. I truly believed she was sorry.

 

6 months on and I still think about it every day and on some days I don't manage my feelings very well, which leads to rows and week long sulks. But mainly things have been getting slowly better. I managed to forgive her. I think?

 

One other factor that I should mention is that I found out about this from some texts I read on her phone between her and one of her female friends (my "friend" at the time also). It turns out her friend was also cheating behind her husband's back (albeit far more viciously and deceitfully) and between them they were encouraging and congratulating each other behind our backs. Her friend had also tried to get my wife involved in a foursome with her and 2 of the men her friend had been seeing.

 

When I found out I gave her friend a chance to come clean with her husband. She was too much of a coward to do this so I called her husband and told him what had been going on, however I spared him the details. As far as I know they are still together (she is still lying to him about a lot of stuff).

 

The reason I mention this is because one of the conditions I laid down after councilling was that she was not to contact this woman again (I think she's dangerous, toxic and I feel nothing but revulsion for her) My wife half-heartedly agreed for a while.

 

I've even threatened the friend that if she makes contact I will tell her husband everything which would be sure to finish her marriage. I'm not proud of my behaviour but I was desperately angry and in full on relationship survival mode.

 

4 months after councilling (and 6 months after DDay), things took a turn for the worse this weekend.

 

I got very upset because our sex life has now dwindled to the point of her going through the motions. I am far from the perfect husband but She's always been very selfish in bed and, in 7 years, has never once made me feel wanted or desired in that way at least(I could live with this, just, but magnified through the lens of her infidelity it's extremely hurtful). Last week she admitted it's because she was lazy. This blasé admittance really really hurt and put things into perspective.

 

She has made little effort to address her actions(at least none that I'm aware of) and seems content to brush it under the carpet. I've given her 4 months to at least make an attempt to understand herself and how I have been affected (and say SOMETHING) but it's been 4 months of virtual silence around the subject (I did get a text a few weeks ago telling me she was sorry for what she'd done to me). As you're all probably aware when the cheater wants to brush it under the carpet it's sickening. It confirms that the guilty party doesn't empathise or understand what the victim has gone / is going through and the damage and trauma their actions have caused. And how can anyone be remorseful if they can just ignore / forget it?

 

I told her on Friday that I wanted to go back to councilling with her because I wasn't happy (to which she replied "No, it's pointless"). I asked her if she'd been in touch with her friend. She admitted she had.

 

I lost my temper at this point and threw a cup at the wall. At that point my wife burst into tears and said she thought it was best if she moved out and that I deserved better. We've not spoken since.

 

I think I've spent enough time dealing with this morass of excrement and I just want to get on with my life (even though I still love her and we had so many good things going for us despite everything). But why do I feel so bad about it all? I'm angry at myself for being pathetic and weak. I feel humiliated. I've only told a couple of people because I am so embarrassed. If any of my friends had been treated like this I'd be the first to tell them to leave their relationships well behind.

 

I'm sure i'm in denial. I wish I could just fall out of love wth her. But it just doesn't work like that.

 

Just dumping my thoughts here to help me through this and regain some sanity. I feel terribly damaged and I know I will always have trust issues with people from now on (thanks for that, partner). My self esteem is non existent and I have no idea how to start getting it back. I'm 46 and don't want to waste the next 10 years of my life screwed up and damaged.

 

Would appreciate anyone else's thoughts and advice.

[lolablue17]

I,m so sorry for you.

 

You feel like sh** because you ignored your instints, and allowed your brain to rationalis3e things, and trying to forgive. You tried to be a good and forgiving man.

 

But deep inside you know and always knew what is the right decision. Ignoring your guts takes it's price. It's never too late to fix your decision, and your wife sums it up - you deserve better. She's right. She sees what you try to deny. Admit your mistake and move on.

[road]

I am all for supporting recovery.

 

Divorce her for there is nothing to recover.

[BaileyB]

There is nothing to recover here. You really need to get yourself an attorney and file for divorce. I'm so sorry. You deserve more than this.

[stillafool]

I agree. Divorce her, let her go as she will never change. I know women like your wife and they don't change.

[GoldenR]

There's no point in making any effort whatsoever if she's still in the affair.

 

She's not wife material anymore, if she ever was.

 

Divorce her.

[knabe]

So she cheated at least 3 times during your first year of marriage, and she is trashing your children?

 

Nope. This woman is not marriage material.

[Bryanp]

See an attorney about an annulment.

 

If you don't respect yourself then who will?

[Darren Steez]

I'm angry at myself for being pathetic and weak. I feel humiliated. I've only told a couple of people because I am so embarrassed. If any of my friends had been treated like this I'd be the first to tell them to leave their relationships well behind.

 

 

Why are you pathetic or weak? Did you cheat, are you the one not putting in the work to make this marriage better?

 

Little 2x4. Stop it.

 

Throughout all this your wife has been incredibly immature, cruel and disrespectful from the cheating to the bad stuff she had to say about your kids (more on that later). Now you've tried, you gave her a shot to be an adult and address her issues but it's clear she doesn't want to. As a man, you've done your bit.

 

Now. This woman has cheated but more over bad mouthed your kids and you still let her back in, how is she going to have any respect for you when she's allowed to waltz back in after doing that?

 

You're 46, not 99 and invalid. Take care and protect your kids and my god go and live your life. If you keep using love as an excuse for letting someone bad mouth your blood and disrespect then who needs enemy.

 

Life is what you make it. Take a stand and stand up for yourself and your kin.

[merrmeade]

Just wanted to address some of your points/remarks but generally much of what your WW did, then said follows familiar patterns:

She told me everything and, rightly or wrongly, I believed most of what she told me(because I've cross referenced her story with information I have that she isn't aware I have).

BUt do you really know that she told you EVERYthing? Doubtful. It's just what people do when they fk up and get caught. The fact that they've been lying and cheating means lying after discovery is not difficult. It just takes on a new methodology. She needs to be just sensitive enough to what will unbalance you to steer (she thinks) the conversations away from those vulnerabilities and all will be nice again.

Her saving grace that brought me back from the brink of an instant divorce was that she didn't enjoy the 3 month affair and didn't even like the person she was with.

Sorry but this one is really familiar. Most do some version of downplaying the significance of the affair or the AP. It's ironic that for however selfish and dense a WS can be in the rest of the relationship, they have a radar for what their partners need to hear. The goal is to minimize, cauterize, bury. If it calms you down and you move on to something else, that's success and they build that aspect of the narrative.

Last week she admitted it's because she was lazy. This blasé admittance really really hurt and put things into perspective.

Ah, THIS was the real moment of truth: She's selfish and lazy in relationships and doesn't really feel that bad about it.

She has made little effort to address her actions(at least none that I'm aware of) and seems content to brush it under the carpet.

Of course. Look carefully and think about what explanation makes all these actions most coherent. Self-centeredness begets cheating which begets lying. Then, once found out, it's all about minimizing, obscuring, deflecting, etc. What makes you not bring it up is what works. It's never really about what is honorable or good for you.

I asked her if she'd been in touch with her friend. She admitted she had.

They're erratic. Sometimes you catch them off guard and they tell the truth. Maybe they're caught off guard, but, yeah, this inconsistency is consistent.

I wish I could just fall out of love wth her. But it just doesn't work like that.

Yes, it does and you will when all this sinks in, but it takes time. Be gentle with yourself and expect the worst from her. Get going with reclaiming your life and good luck. Edited August 28, 2017 by merrmeade

[WilyWill]

...she thought it was best if she moved out and that I deserved better.

 

Hey, this is probably the first honest statement she's uttered in months. She should have added that every other man deserves something better than her as well, and she's not capable of a real relationship. Try to make the divorce as amicable and cheap as possible. This one is not worth saving, and it wouldn't even be possible to save it if it was.

[SammySammy]

I once read that when you see problems in a relationship or organization it's usually due to someone's standards being too low.

 

We teach people how to treat us. Whether directly or indirectly, you created the environment that allowed this to happen. And allows her to remain in your life with little or no consequences beyond you pouting for a week.

 

You said you were pathetic and weak. I agree.

 

I imagine this same woman would behave quite differently with someone who had different expectations for her. Someone who would hold her accountable for her behavior. Rather than utilizing all of those excuses you made for her.

 

You have to decide what's acceptable or unacceptable in your life. If you're going to accept this sort of treatment, then don't complain or expect sympathy.

[harrybrown]

Read about the 180.

 

Follow it.

 

Get a D now. Get her out of your life.

 

Expose, expose and expose.

 

And expose all about her "friend".

 

Tell the other BS to get tested for stds.

 

Get out of this mess now. Be strong. She is not the woman you think you loved.

[Whitenblack]

It's clear she has given up after she said you deserve better. If you try to continue this R, she will cheat on you again. Be very strong and get out now! And don't waste anymore time. It'll be hard and painful now, but years down the road, you'll look back and be glad you got out of this mess.

[Steve51]

Wow. You two are toxic for each other so why in heck did you marry in the first place. I had an alcoholic friend (he died early) who married an alcoholic woman. They drank together and she cheated on him every time she drank. She even offered me oral sex on several occasions. They divorced and he did the same thing again. Married a woman who drank since no other woman would put up with his drinking. They divorced too when his new wife also had sex with anyone buying her a drink. Oh the wives were sorry and blamed the alcohol. They tell the husband what is best to tell him. Not good to tell a husband that you are hot for the other guy and he is better in bed than him. That it how it goes. I have been on both sides of that coin.

 

My wife's parents were both alcoholic and abused their children. The father put his two sons in the hospital. One son turned to drugs and died from an overdose at the age of 30. The other had problems on and off with the law and died early too for reasons we were never told since we lost touch with him. I always wonder why people marry who they do. Few adults change who they are and you get what you see when you marry. I bet your wife was the same before you married unless she started drinking heavily after you married which is doubtful.

 

You only have two choices now that you married her. Divorce her or look the other way. I know plenty of husbands who decide to look the other way from their cheating wives. Some even allow it. My girlfriend of 30 years was married for 25 of those years. I socialized with her husband. His wife went on vacations with me and stayed with me for weeks at a time in my home. His first wife left him due to his gambling addiction. He bankrupted them and she had an affair with a better man that she married. My girlfriend was looking for a man to financially support her since I had a wife to support, who she shared me with. Sure enough we were all going to retire together and buy new homes in a warm place when the hubby lost all of their money in the stock market. He had to go back to work at 70 and my girlfriend also had to return to teaching. She knew how he was but was more interested in someone who was OK with her seeing other men. She ended up getting bit by ignoring his gambling addiction.

 

My experience with alcoholics is that they often fall off the wagon and have to hit bottom again before giving sobriety another chance. I could not live with that but some due. I noticed you said heavy drinker rather than alcoholic. That is telling. Another friend, in fact the first husband of my girlfriend was an alcoholic. Why she married him is beyond me since we all knew that he was an alcoholic. Like many women she thought that marriage and having a baby would change him. What it did was finding him sitting in a bar with their infant while he was drinking beer. In his mind he was not an alcoholic because he only drank beer. The only way out for you is to leave but I know how desperate single parents are to marry someone who accepts their kids. They rarely marry purely out of love. More out of desperation.

 

You stay or you leave. Those are your two choices and staying does not seem to be a good choice even if she stops drinking. One thing I learned about cheating women, having been cheated on twice. It is that they do not stop, they just get better at it and no longer feel guilty enough to confess anymore. After all, you gave away your hand by forgiving her so she knows that you are afraid to divorce her and will use that to her advantage. Been there and done that.

[pheonixrisen]

You have nothing to be ashamed of.period

 

Let her leave .and move forward with your life with your children.and focus on your healing without her

 

Your whole post is full of excuses for her

She had an affair and a one night stand.period

 

No stories. No excuses.she is not a child stop making excuses for a grown ass woman and you def did not push her to open her legs to other men .she did that all by her self.

 

These are not your actions and you will learn fast you cannot control her actions ..you can only control your reaction .

 

This woman has no loyalty towards you towards your children and that's not good news .walk away .

 

She is spiralling down .and you don't need to jump after her .put her out of home ...one of the most imp condition of reconciliation is total transparency and leaving all friends who directly or indirectly cheered the affair from sidelines ...she broke an imp rule.

 

So put her out and move on don't look back .she is on a train to multiple affairs you don't want to make yourself and your children part of her circus

[spanz1]

i am wondering WHY, all of a sudden, after 7 years you decided to marry her. did you hope that she would be more committed and loving IF you married her? i.e. did you hope to change her?

 

3 affairs after a brief marriage....what do you want us to tell you? It is obviously NOT going to be a loving monogamous marriage. If her cheating on you is a big deal for you, you need to divorce her and give her and her kid the heave ho. If you can live with her screwing other guys, along with somewhat supporting you and helping with your two kids....well at least you are going into it with open eyes.

[QuietDan]

So, why is it that you both still want to be in a relationship with each other?

It doesn't sound like you two are bringing the best out of each other.

The two of you appear to be fairly dysfunctional on all sorts of levels when it comes to this relationship.

I don't know about the "you deserve better" line.

People are people, we all are complicated and full of all sorts of issues.

The question really isn't deserve better... it is more like

You should seek someone different. It is more of a compatibility/fit issue.

Neither one of you seem to be a good fit for each other.

Your wife's actions from the beginning of this relationship seem to be centered on undermining and destroying the foundations of having and keeping a long term healthy relationship properly functioning with you.

Why hang out in life or on social media with people who are focused on undermining and destroying the relationship? Why join in and accept the discussion and the ideology that is propagated? Usually people seem to gravitate to other people with similar view points and ideology. The voices she is listening to are those voices that eco her own thoughts and feelings.

Instead of solving problems and seeking healthy solutions to make the relationship better between you two, she seeks out and invests her time and energy in ways that are destructive and damaging to the relationship.

Not to sure what is going on here... I could probable spend some time and effort and dissect it a bit... but...

You mentioned she said she was lazy....

It sounds more like she isn't really motivated to try to make any real effort...

She was motivated enough to cheat on you with a man she claims she didn't like or didn't enjoy being with... So, why did she really cheat?

Have you considered the possibility that she may have been cheating on you in one form or another for the entire relationship?

"You deserve better".... actually sounds like she may be hinting at the possibility that there is a lot that you do not know about.... or, she has married you under falls pretenses...

Generally speaking...there is a good chance that you probable know less than 10% of what is really going on in this situation.

[JS84]

Couldn't figure out why you bothered to marry her to begin with let alone stay after she cheated just months after you tied the knot and with multiple men at that.

 

You're both toxic and have a toxic relationship/marriage as a result. Do yourself a favor and get a divorce. Not really sure what your thought process is in even entertaining the idea of trying to reconcile.

[usa1ah]

I got married to my parter of 7 years last summer. In February I found out that 4 months into our marriage she'd had a one night stand with someone on a drunken night out, embarked on a 3 month affair with a work colleague and was sniffing around another man on Facebook.

 

I'd also found out that she'd joined a secret Facebook group and was saying some pretty ****ty things about me and my children (I have 2 from a previous relationship and she has 1, we have different approaches to parenting, both have good points, both have bad points). The one night stand and the potential Facebook lover were members of the private group.

 

Been through all the emotions from despair through anger through depression ... you all know the sort of thing. Still loved her very much and realised that I had a big part to play in her decision to do what she did.

 

We were both heavy drinkers and my wife was and still is on anti depressants. I believe she had a mental breakdown (this all occurred within the same 3 months before I found out).

 

So, rather than throw the towel in, we had an honest conversation and decided to see a councillor together and stop drinking (neither of us have touched a drop for 4 months). She told me everything and, rightly or wrongly, I believed most of what she told me(because I've cross referenced her story with information I have that she isn't aware I have). Her saving grace that brought me back from the brink of an instant divorce was that she didn't enjoy the 3 month affair and didn't even like the person she was with. She was also blind drunk when she had her one night stand and this 3 months of madness was a result of her not getting enough emotional and physical attention from me (I completely dropped the ball emotionally for a long time and I completely blame myself for this although I never felt wanted in the relationship). But i also know she should have spoken to me like an adult instead of cowardly betraying our marriage.

 

The councilling helped a lot and we decided to lay some ground rules down and make an effort to work things out. She also saw her own therapist for a while but that wasn't much use. I truly believed she was sorry.

 

6 months on and I still think about it every day and on some days I don't manage my feelings very well, which leads to rows and week long sulks. But mainly things have been getting slowly better. I managed to forgive her. I think?

 

One other factor that I should mention is that I found out about this from some texts I read on her phone between her and one of her female friends (my "friend" at the time also). It turns out her friend was also cheating behind her husband's back (albeit far more viciously and deceitfully) and between them they were encouraging and congratulating each other behind our backs. Her friend had also tried to get my wife involved in a foursome with her and 2 of the men her friend had been seeing.

 

When I found out I gave her friend a chance to come clean with her husband. She was too much of a coward to do this so I called her husband and told him what had been going on, however I spared him the details. As far as I know they are still together (she is still lying to him about a lot of stuff).

 

The reason I mention this is because one of the conditions I laid down after councilling was that she was not to contact this woman again (I think she's dangerous, toxic and I feel nothing but revulsion for her) My wife half-heartedly agreed for a while.

 

I've even threatened the friend that if she makes contact I will tell her husband everything which would be sure to finish her marriage. I'm not proud of my behaviour but I was desperately angry and in full on relationship survival mode.

 

4 months after councilling (and 6 months after DDay), things took a turn for the worse this weekend.

 

I got very upset because our sex life has now dwindled to the point of her going through the motions. I am far from the perfect husband but She's always been very selfish in bed and, in 7 years, has never once made me feel wanted or desired in that way at least(I could live with this, just, but magnified through the lens of her infidelity it's extremely hurtful). Last week she admitted it's because she was lazy. This blasé admittance really really hurt and put things into perspective.

 

She has made little effort to address her actions(at least none that I'm aware of) and seems content to brush it under the carpet. I've given her 4 months to at least make an attempt to understand herself and how I have been affected (and say SOMETHING) but it's been 4 months of virtual silence around the subject (I did get a text a few weeks ago telling me she was sorry for what she'd done to me). As you're all probably aware when the cheater wants to brush it under the carpet it's sickening. It confirms that the guilty party doesn't empathise or understand what the victim has gone / is going through and the damage and trauma their actions have caused. And how can anyone be remorseful if they can just ignore / forget it?

 

I told her on Friday that I wanted to go back to councilling with her because I wasn't happy (to which she replied "No, it's pointless"). I asked her if she'd been in touch with her friend. She admitted she had.

 

I lost my temper at this point and threw a cup at the wall. At that point my wife burst into tears and said she thought it was best if she moved out and that I deserved better. We've not spoken since.

 

I think I've spent enough time dealing with this morass of excrement and I just want to get on with my life (even though I still love her and we had so many good things going for us despite everything). But why do I feel so bad about it all? I'm angry at myself for being pathetic and weak. I feel humiliated. I've only told a couple of people because I am so embarrassed. If any of my friends had been treated like this I'd be the first to tell them to leave their relationships well behind.

 

I'm sure i'm in denial. I wish I could just fall out of love wth her. But it just doesn't work like that.

 

Just dumping my thoughts here to help me through this and regain some sanity. I feel terribly damaged and I know I will always have trust issues with people from now on (thanks for that, partner). My self esteem is non existent and I have no idea how to start getting it back. I'm 46 and don't want to waste the next 10 years of my life screwed up and damaged.

 

Would appreciate anyone else's thoughts and advice.

 

So why the heck is her cheating your fault?

 

Simple solution, file for divorce and go find someone else. She has never made you fill wanted but has the never to screw others. She didn't enjoy it, really. Then why screw the OM for three months.

 

She is lying her azz off to you. Trying to minimize the fallout.

[sandylee1]

Marriage to her was a bad idea, considering that in 7 years she never made you feel wanted in bed. Why do you think that this would have changed? And if you didn't think it would change, why did you continue in the relationship?

 

Do you think she's better than you (in looks) and you're lucky to have her or something?

 

One of the things I wouldn't have forgiven is her talking about your kids. That should have been a deal breaker, because it shows her that your kids are secondary to her, which they shouldn't be.

 

I doubt her cheating started after marriage and I hope you got STD tested.

 

Why would you still love a selfish woman, who badmouths you and your children and cheats 3 times so early in marriage.

 

She really isn't wife material. Divorce and strip her of that marital status.

 

You'll only get a better woman, when you realise that you deserve it.

[ItStartsFromWithin]

Her saving grace that brought me back from the brink of an instant divorce was that she didn't enjoy the 3 month affair and didn't even like the person she was with.

 

Wait... I'm sorry am I reading this wrong? She broke her vows, got into an affair, willingly, & continuously STAYED in the affair day after day, for over 90 days, of her own volition, & her own free will (no one held a gun to her head) but she didn't enjoy it AND didn't even like the guy she was in the affair with?!? Huh?!? How is that possible? That is one of the most assinine things I have ever heard!

 

You deserve wayyyyy better than this. The fact that she is attempting to make you believe this, as truth, shows that her deception knows no limits. Just be happy it wasn't 20-30 years of marriage before you found out her true character.

 

I, wholeheartedly, wish you all the best. You deserve better, and you will eventually find it. With all the mind f*ckery going on, with this woman, it will, no doubt, take time to heal but it will eventually get better, down the road. Take care my friend.

[Rose.1977]

I am sorry for what you are going through... You deserve better just divorce and stay away from that bit..

[Bufo]

What I missed in your posting was evidence of remorse by your WW. It is often said here without contradiction that it is impossible to reconcile with a non remorseful WS. And when you think about it makes perfect sense.

 

You need to find out through counseling or some serious and deep introspection or both why you accept infidelity. That is more important than why she is a serial cheater. Why ? You will live with yourself every day of your life. You may not have a relationship with her.

 

Someone suggested seeing a lawyer. That is good advice. You need to learn whats involved in divorce and what your life will look like after divorce. Knowledge is power. It minimizes the fear factor.

 

Your goal is to get out of infidelity. Whether by R or D it's too early to decide. But staying in infidelity is a crazy maker. Her telling you "sorry" means nothing. Always remember she has proven herself to be a cheater and a liar. Repeatedly. Why believe what she says now? Watch her actions instead.

[merrmeade]

There's a universe of difference between a cheating spouse who confesses voluntarily and one who's discovered and THEN shows 'remorse.' You'll always doubt the latter's truthfulness - and you should!