TheC0ugar Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 I have been in an emotional affair for 6 months. We have never kissed but have held each other for extended periods of time, feeling a kiss would open flood gates for an all out sexual affair. She has an amazing life, great husband, kids...My marriage is basically a partnership... Last night I got a text from her and her H, stating this would be the last text/email/anything...they are working on their marriage and wished the best for mine... I am going a little crazy, but know that she is doing whats right, and the guilt of possibly destroying their life has subsided... Just having panic attack after panic attack here at work and saw some old posts here... help...where do I go from here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Fix your marriage or leave it. And respectfully give your spouse the information they need to also make the same informed decision. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Is she The Cougar or are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheC0ugar Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 I understand the underlying issue is my marriage, simply having a hard time breathing today...can't tell anyone else, so I came here Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheC0ugar Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 And I am thec0ugar, just a username no hidden meaning Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 There are threads for No Contact support that might help you get through the shock and pain. You are breaking an addiction, and it hurts like crazy right now, but it WILL get better. Breathe slow. You have to focus on you for a little bit, holding yourself together as you let her go. Yes, you'll need to decide what to do with your marriage but that's not today, you don't want to do anything dangerous today right now while you're reeling. It may not have been a normal relationship but it was a breakup, treat yourself as you would want any friend who's just had a breakup to be treated. Breathe. Listen to music. Don't drink, it will make things worse. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheC0ugar Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 Thank you 'somanymistakes' I read the NC guide, funny thing is, I workout all the time and its the last thing I want to do right now. All my 'friends' are there and I don't know how to not look like I've been breaking down all day and not sleeping all night... My W doesn't notice btw, had smaller bumps in the EA road, nothing, ha! But the guide is very insightful, answered ALOT of my questions...thx Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 I understand the underlying issue is my marriage, simply having a hard time breathing today...can't tell anyone else, so I came here The underlying issue is you - not the marriage. Fix what is broken in you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheC0ugar Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 I'm not here to be consoled, I know everything I did was wrong, even in meeting her emotional wants, making her smile, I crossed lines and had no right doing so... I just feel lost and can't 'get it together' I am going home soon and am not ready to put on a face for the wife or deal with questions...the text last night was a complete shock and I am resolved that I won't ever know "why" and everything here says that the why doesn't matter...it does to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 (edited) I am resolved that I won't ever know "why" and everything here says that the why doesn't matter...it does to me... OK, I'll tell you why. Her husband discovered what was going on and issued an ultimatum to her to chose between him and her family and you. He demanded she go no contact, and she agreed. It's best to leave married women alone. Sorry to be so blunt, but you could have destroyed this woman's life. Just be thankful that you didn't. Edited August 10, 2017 by Zona 12 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Some married men will shoot you if you mess with the wife. hope you start thinking about their kids. Would you like to support them as well? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 I'm not here to be consoled, I know everything I did was wrong, even in meeting her emotional wants, making her smile, I crossed lines and had no right doing so... I just feel lost and can't 'get it together' I am going home soon and am not ready to put on a face for the wife or deal with questions...the text last night was a complete shock and I am resolved that I won't ever know "why" and everything here says that the why doesn't matter...it does to me... Wait until your wife asks her own 'why' did this happen, if she finds out. Maybe that might give you insight into your own 'why.' 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 So you're married too? Why didn't you give that info in your first post? Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 So you're married too? Why didn't you give that info in your first post? It was in the first post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheC0ugar Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 There's more to this story, I know the family, they know me. I t's day 1... I see how offensive this post is... Thank you for the blunt answer, that's fair... I'm sorry for those who have suffered with this situation on the other side of the fence.. I wasnt trying to anger you all... I'm new here if there's away to close this post please do it...thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 There's more to this story, I know the family, they know me. I t's day 1... I see how offensive this post is... Thank you for the blunt answer, that's fair... I'm sorry for those who have suffered with this situation on the other side of the fence.. I wasnt trying to anger you all... I'm new here if there's away to close this post please do it...thanks TheC0ugar you shouldn't go, you will learn a lot from the people here if you really want the help, but if you want the A you should probably post in the OW/OM Forum. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 I'll try and be nice, but no guarantees. You are likley going to have to accept that she is gone, and that you may never know why. My guess, is that you may well have placed a lot more emotional value on the relationship than she did. While it certainly crossed the line, she may have tried to convince herself that it didn't, but wasn't able to keep that self deception going. Alternatively, she may have looked into the abyss of a full on physical affair and not liked what she saw. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt ad say she realized where things were going with you and left. You say she has a great husband, kids, etc. , so I really don't believe there was much chance to a long term relationship with you. if you get one take away form all this, you say she is a great lady, has a great husband etc. Notice that both spouses are involved. Can you say the same about yourself in your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheC0ugar Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 I know she's gone, the first day, of course I still want the attachment and attention... I read some posts last night and earlier this morning, I am just trying to get a grip. Been playing mind games all day. I believe we were equally vested, but she has a lot more to lose. We discussed that in length, many times...I am well aware of the destruction that could have been, thank God it didn't...I gladly accept the pain and responsibility if it saves their marraige. I'm not ready to focus on my marraige today... thank you for stern words even if I seem put off I'm not, but my intent was not to make people relive their own hurts. Just didn't know where to turn... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 C0ugar, so sorry you're going through this. Yet had you continued with her no matter how things turned out there would have been a world of hurt and probably shame involved. As hard as it is, maybe try to think of it as a beginning rather than an ending. Now you have the opportunity to fix your marriage finding love there or to leave it and find true love with integrity. Do you have children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Just came across your post, probably to late for what you want or need now. I suppose what will help when those moments of panic and anxiety hit is to to think about what good and positive things might result from this. Your marraige doesn't have to be like this you know???... Sad that you are investing your time and emotional energy into an affair and not into improving your troubled marriage... You could be finding ways to overcome the issues that trouble you with your relationship with your wife... Doesn't your wife deserve to have a full time husband investing his full time effort into being a husband as long as he is responsible for being a full time husband? This is a sad situation for everyone involved. Nothing but counterfeit relationships for everyone in this situation. This is fraud.... Sad... Very Sad.. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I'm not here to be consoled, I know everything I did was wrong, even in meeting her emotional wants, making her smile, I crossed lines and had no right doing so... I just feel lost and can't 'get it together' I am going home soon and am not ready to put on a face for the wife or deal with questions...the text last night was a complete shock and I am resolved that I won't ever know "why" and everything here says that the why doesn't matter...it does to me... The why is that she doesn't love you. Just like you were using her she was using you. She knows what she did was wrong and is going to fix things with her husband. Won't comment on your marriage because you have not given any info on it. With what you have said. Divorce and find a woman that is NOT married. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I'm glad you are both exercising self-discipline. Once this has blown over and you've moved on, you'll feel good about yourself for this decision and sticking to some principles. Unlike if you just gave it and let the whole house of cards fall down and make everyone's lives a mess. You'd have had regrets and eventually realized no one is worth sacrificing your principles for. This will increase your self-esteem where giving in would have tore it down. You'll be fine. Mourn or whatever and don't make any decisions until your head is clear and you're calmed down. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) She and/or her BH is either a student of some forum like this one or is a student of books like How to Help Your Spouse Recover from Your Affair. The concise and unemotional NC communication follows the script provided by those resources. Why does this matter? BH knows of the A and despite that knowledge is attempting reconciliation. And assuming I'm correct about him followingforum or book advice, they know that it takes 2 to even attempt R. Which means, at least for the meantime, you are out of he picture and have forfeited any role including family friend. Therefore any thought about how much you miss her, how bad you feel without her, etc is just wasting your time. Let them R if they can. Better to spend your time with or without IC figuring out why you entered into this EA. Edited August 11, 2017 by Bufo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) and the guilt of possibly destroying their life has subsided... I am well aware of the destruction that could have been, thank God it didn't... Possibly?! Could have been?! No, you did destroyed their marriage/life. Of course the AP destroyed her own marriage, but with your willful participation Edited August 11, 2017 by Betrayed&Stayed Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheC0ugar Posted August 11, 2017 Author Share Posted August 11, 2017 I know how badly I've wounded the BH and that it has terribly hurt their marriage, but they are students of recovery, both of them... I am hopeful that they absolutely will R and have an even stronger marriage. The destruction I spoke of was family/friends etc...I know the pain and destruction I've caused in their relationship... I am not trying not belittle the situation by using the wrong words here. I see my W roughly 6-10 hours a week except sleeping...I know, I enjoyed the attention and affection of OW...so there's a vacuum. I am thankful that she has him to comfort her, guide/lead her through this. Thanks for all the comments, again sorry for stirring anger here. I'll move on Link to post Share on other sites
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