Married ex from 10 years ago spills her emotions on me, how to proceed?

[MissingMyHubby]

Quick backstory:

 

Dated a girl in 2006 for 18 months. Said girl broke up with me while I was out of the country and found a new guy right away. Got married for 2 years (no kids), got a divorce, got with another new guy, married for 3 years and they have 2 toddlers now.

 

4 months ago, I get these texts saying she was sorry for hurting me, told me her husband has been paying less attention to her and more on the kids (well, duh!) and told me she likes my gf (been dating 6 years, no plans for marriage) but also "never envisioned me with a girl like her."

 

Fast forward to 72 hours ago.

 

Receive a text at 130am, "do you miss me?"

Next text "oops, sorry."

 

I reply a few minutes later and tell her I just finished working out.

 

Next night is when it gets juicy, she sends me the following texts, (and I'll handpick the best ones) :

 

I feel like I made your life ****ty when we were together.

And like why couldn't we have been not young?!? I'm so much more fun, a better person and open to things! I just missed the forest for the trees. I don't believe for a second we only have one life. I know I'll find you again if this one isn't ours. I sound crazy. But there is something about us/you in my eyes that will never be settled until I can show you my love. And I love (my husband) . It's something I can't quite explain

I was hurt and sick of feeling disappointed so I went against what I knew was right

I told you, you're my person.

Giving up on someone or something you love creates a hurt that never quite lets you rest

I have grown to love (my husband). I would never want to hurt him. But it was More a choice than a compulsion. With you it was magnetic. I couldn't pull away. I loved you from the minute you let me. I'm such a different person today than the one you know. But I still have the same feelings. Even with the choices I made. I love you for a reason.

You're an incredible human. I know I'll have the chance to show you one day or another. I'm sorry I missed my chance to show you this go round

I believe w all my heart I messed up. I don't know when it all works out. I just know it does.

I left you. I walked away from you. I ****ed up our chance at being happy

(How often do you think about this?) : More than once per day

I would have grown older and chilled out. I would have realized that showing you love mattered as much as me needing it.

My parents told me I ****ed it up. Told me I should have let you be you. Told me that I was mean.

I loved the person you were. I think about him every single day.

I just can't get over you, In my most happy days I miss you as much as my saddest

I believe our souls will one day find a way back to one another, But I struggle with how long I have to wait. Maybe in our next life we'll get it right. Don't you think it's weird 10 years later we can't let go? I think there is more there than we understand

 

 

 

Is my ex merely just getting a decades worth of guilt off her chest, and a splash of feelings thrown in? Or is it a major "putting it out there to see how I respond or if I take the bait" type? I didn't really reciprocate much back to her on the texting, moreso just letting her steer the ship and I was a listening and intrigued ear.

She also knows She was the last girl I told I loved. (I'm pretty scarred, and my current gf is aware, but doesn't hound me just cuz I don't say the words.)

 

I know 99% of you are thinking "RUN AWAY." But I just wish to know more of a detailed opinion on this matter , just for my own analyzing

[Marc878]

You're having an emotional affair with a married woman. How does it fell to be a cheater?

 

You're just her fantasy nothing more. The reality is what I posted above.

[MissingMyHubby]

So apparently an "affair" to you is being the recipient of a large array of texts thrown at you , while knowing full well that the sender is very fragile.

 

And on 2 occasions in 10 years, once 4 months ago, once just now

 

Thanks for the advice

[bluefeather]

Is my ex merely just getting a decades worth of guilt off her chest, and a splash of feelings thrown in? Or is it a major "putting it out there to see how I respond or if I take the bait" type?

 

Even for the sake of analysis, what does it matter? Are you considering participating in an affair with her? It's nice poetry, and maybe some of it is true, but unless you're planning to see her, little else will come out of this.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My opinion is that it is strange. I will say that I personally do not have any feelings for people from my past BUT I do acknowledge it is a real thing, this romanticizing of the past, when you were young and so on. I know both men and women who have opened up doors from long ago and declare long lost love with someone they dated, or just know of, decades ago. It's my opinion (based on the people I know doing this) that they are searching for something missing in their current lives and the past is something in their mind which they missed out on, made the wrong choice, etc. It is is your classic middle aged guy with the red sports car scenario.

 

I would not take anything this woman says seriously. Tell her to ring you when she is divorced and you will take her for a drink. Don't waste your time with married people and their drama.

[QuietDan]

She is putting her current marraige and relationship with her current husband at risk. She is putting a secure stabile family life for two small children at risk. What sort of real love is she demonstrating for anyone in this situation? Notice she is telling you how she is in love with who you use to be years ago....

Instead of investing in her current active relationship, she is now pursuing you. It sounds like she has a long history of doing that. Instead of learning to have a grown up mature relationship, she keeps on trying to chase the teenager version of a relationship. So now she takes ownership if her @#it from way back when. And... In doing so, still seems to be repeating some of her same types of mistakes with her current man...

I feel sorry for her husband and children.

Why encourage this behavior from her?

Even being a semi-passive Muse for her folly is encouraging it. I suppose hearing this sort of stuff can end up being a bit of an ego boost. Although, you sound mentally healthy enough you should need it. If you were a player, I suppose you might be able to get some crazy on the side sex out of this for a while. However, what happens when this all blows up? What will happen if/when her husband catches her text you one of these messages, or somehow finds a past one?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think her motives are pretty clear, "My husband isn't paying enough attention to me" so she is looking for some validation, so the easiest way is to look back at her old exes. It wouldn't surprise me if her other ex receives similar "do you miss me" texts as well.

 

She was the one who dumped you and then replaced you straight away, so all this "love that will last forever" speech rings hollow an insincere. She just sounds like someone who loves the idea of love and will probably never be satisfied with her lot in life, so she will always be looking for the next best thing, which is evidenced by the fact she has had two husbands in such a short period of time.

 

Anyway, that is my analysis of her behavior, but I also want to point the fact that your own behavior is a bit dodgy. Instead of putting her in her place when she sent that fishing text, you left it open for her to keep going, which of course she did.

 

This may have made you feel good in the moment, but continuing to allow that type of communication is very disrespectful to your current partner. It is far from innocent and crosses a line into emotional affair territory, I hope that you can see that.

 

She needs to hear that what she said was inappropriate and that she should be putting her energy into working on her marriage. Shutting it down is actually the kindest thing you can do for her. There is so much at stake here, so I hope you think carefully about how you handle things from now on.

[basil67]

I agree with Scarlett that it would be wise to shut this down. Your other alternative is to ignore all those texts. Either would be appropriate on your side.

 

Just don't react with sympathy or she'll try to get her hooks into you.

[S2B]

IF she was SO in love with you she wouldn't have the need to marry TWO other men - and have two kids with one of them!

 

Notice she didn't call you even after the first failed marriage? Uh huh, because she immediately got involved with the second husband.

 

You aren't her love - you are her escape from her reality - her fantasy. Her fantasy that she wants to pay attention to her - the fantasy that she will use to take her away from her real life.

 

Do NOT participate in ANY level - she is totally toxic!

[hammyy2k]

are you lesbian?

[lolablue17]

I believe her. She loves you badly, and she's admitting making bad choices. She knows she's trapped, but she can't resist sharing these thoughts with you. I truely believe she's honest.

 

But she's not stable, and she's not responsible.

 

Not stable means, she can change her mind any second. Her current feelings very much influenced by the fact that she is married to anothe man while missing you. You can't predict how will she feel if this status changes.

 

Not responsible means, she's a drama queen and she put her drama needs before everything else. You have a gf. Did she mention how can this letter effect on your current relationship? Did she even put one thought what happens if your current gf will read it and get insecure\leave you? Does she care? No. Like a child, she has a need (to share her feeling with you), and of course this need comes first and to hell with everybody else. She takes zero responsibility for her actions, and by that she continues to make bad choices.

 

I can see how a man can fall inlove with this girl but she's trouble, a real trouble. She's bad for you.

[Darren Steez]

So apparently an "affair" to you is being the recipient of a large array of texts thrown at you , while knowing full well that the sender is very fragile.

 

And on 2 occasions in 10 years, once 4 months ago, once just now

 

Thanks for the advice

 

No it's exactly right.

 

You say "fragile" how would you know that? Isn't this the same person that dumped you, has been moving from relationship to relationship?

 

By your standard 1 occasion in ten years is more than enough but it's not just once it's the volume and the content of those messages, so it's doubly surprising you start out with 99% percent of you would say run, then when someone points out why you should run you attack them?

[dichotomy]

My two cents.

 

She is on her second marriage - 3 years in and two kids. Marriage is hard work, with little kids its not romantic, its exhausting and hard to find attention for or from your spouse.

 

She is wistfully remembering her single younger days and maybe that you were fun and exciting. Ya know what - she gets involved with you - gets a divorce, maybe then is a single mom, or maybe marries you and your s step dad with two step kids, she wants more kids, the ex is filing legal papers to avoid child support, the kids are yelling at you that your "not their dad - and they dont have to listen to you" and ...... sounds hot right ! ?

 

 

Tell your old GF to grow up and stick to her loved husband.

[somanymistakes]

No it's exactly right.

 

You say "fragile" how would you know that? Isn't this the same person that dumped you, has been moving from relationship to relationship?

 

By your standard 1 occasion in ten years is more than enough but it's not just once it's the volume and the content of those messages, so it's doubly surprising you start out with 99% percent of you would say run, then when someone points out why you should run you attack them?

 

Because it's ridiculous to yell at someone for "having an affair" when they haven't "had" anything yet - someone sent them a pile of emotional texts and they haven't yet decided how to respond!

 

Getting all accusatory at the OP and calling him a cheater sounds a bit unhinged.

 

Now, pointing out that if he goes along with this it WILL be cheating is quite fair.

 

 

As for the actual situation, well, I'm a crazy ex trying to get back together with someone from my past so I sympathise but yeah I have to agree that she doesn't sound very stable or sure of what she wants. Big flashing danger signs.

[GoldenR]

I'm so confused.....

 

Your name indicates that you're a female. Are you a lesbian and your ex is now with a man?

[MJJean]

Forward the texts to her husband and ask what he thinks.

[usa1ah]

Quick backstory:

 

Dated a girl in 2006 for 18 months. Said girl broke up with me while I was out of the country and found a new guy right away. Got married for 2 years (no kids), got a divorce, got with another new guy, married for 3 years and they have 2 toddlers now.

 

4 months ago, I get these texts saying she was sorry for hurting me, told me her husband has been paying less attention to her and more on the kids (well, duh!) and told me she likes my gf (been dating 6 years, no plans for marriage) but also "never envisioned me with a girl like her."

 

Fast forward to 72 hours ago.

 

Receive a text at 130am, "do you miss me?"

Next text "oops, sorry."

 

I reply a few minutes later and tell her I just finished working out.

 

Next night is when it gets juicy, she sends me the following texts, (and I'll handpick the best ones) :

 

I feel like I made your life ****ty when we were together.

And like why couldn't we have been not young?!? I'm so much more fun, a better person and open to things! I just missed the forest for the trees. I don't believe for a second we only have one life. I know I'll find you again if this one isn't ours. I sound crazy. But there is something about us/you in my eyes that will never be settled until I can show you my love. And I love (my husband) . It's something I can't quite explain

I was hurt and sick of feeling disappointed so I went against what I knew was right

I told you, you're my person.

Giving up on someone or something you love creates a hurt that never quite lets you rest

I have grown to love (my husband). I would never want to hurt him. But it was More a choice than a compulsion. With you it was magnetic. I couldn't pull away. I loved you from the minute you let me. I'm such a different person today than the one you know. But I still have the same feelings. Even with the choices I made. I love you for a reason.

You're an incredible human. I know I'll have the chance to show you one day or another. I'm sorry I missed my chance to show you this go round

I believe w all my heart I messed up. I don't know when it all works out. I just know it does.

I left you. I walked away from you. I ****ed up our chance at being happy

(How often do you think about this?) : More than once per day

I would have grown older and chilled out. I would have realized that showing you love mattered as much as me needing it.

My parents told me I ****ed it up. Told me I should have let you be you. Told me that I was mean.

I loved the person you were. I think about him every single day.

I just can't get over you, In my most happy days I miss you as much as my saddest

I believe our souls will one day find a way back to one another, But I struggle with how long I have to wait. Maybe in our next life we'll get it right. Don't you think it's weird 10 years later we can't let go? I think there is more there than we understand

 

 

 

Is my ex merely just getting a decades worth of guilt off her chest, and a splash of feelings thrown in? Or is it a major "putting it out there to see how I respond or if I take the bait" type? I didn't really reciprocate much back to her on the texting, moreso just letting her steer the ship and I was a listening and intrigued ear.

She also knows She was the last girl I told I loved. (I'm pretty scarred, and my current gf is aware, but doesn't hound me just cuz I don't say the words.)

 

I know 99% of you are thinking "RUN AWAY." But I just wish to know more of a detailed opinion on this matter , just for my own analyzing

 

 

Would you be ok with your GF pouring something out like this to an ex?

 

Are you ok with messing with another mans wife?

 

I would suggest breaking contact with this woman, for her own good and yours.

 

With what you have posted you don't sound like someone that is ok with cheating. She made her bed and has to lay in it now.

 

Do you love your GF? If so show her everything that the OW has sent to you. Be as honest and up front with her as you can. Know of a guy that received pics from a girl that should never have been sent, he has been in a relationship for more then a year. The girl got his number from a distance friend. He went straight to his girl fried and gave her his phone and explained that he never asked, hinted or wanted these pics. His gf deleted the pics and told the thing next time she sent pics like that, she would post them with her name and info somewhere. No more pics and they are a great couple.

 

If you keep this away from your gf it might come back on you one day. At the very least, she will lose trust in you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would show the texts to my partner so that everything is exposed to her...no secrets...and i would block the ex on every account....

 

Answering her in any way...encourages her to send more. Don't answer her...block her. You have moved forward and her behavior is inappropriate.

[understand50]

As many others have said, she is married, she needs to talk to her husband, and work this out. Block her, and do not respond. This is best for both of you.

 

I wish you luck...

[sandylee1]

Tell her you've moved on and shut down this. She's after someone to make her feel good about herself, instead of focusing on her family.

 

Don't fall for it.

[mikeylo]

What answer are you looking for ? Its pretty simple : don't respond.

[Darren Steez]

Because it's ridiculous to yell at someone for "having an affair" when they haven't "had" anything yet - someone sent them a pile of emotional texts and they haven't yet decided how to respond!

 

Getting all accusatory at the OP and calling him a cheater sounds a bit unhinged.

 

Now, pointing out that if he goes along with this it WILL be cheating is quite fair.

 

 

As for the actual situation, well, I'm a crazy ex trying to get back together with someone from my past so I sympathise but yeah I have to agree that she doesn't sound very stable or sure of what she wants. Big flashing danger signs.

 

I didn't see any yelling..only writing..but I may have been wrong maybe the words were screamy...

[Vincentstreet]

I find truth without the sugarcoating works best... I really don't mean to be blunt but i cannot help it.

 

If you had an ounce of honor and 2 ounces of compassion for her husband and children, you would tell her to get lost and not entertain her .. not 1 bit. The second you responded you gave her false hope... unless you are in fact toying with this idea, then in this case refer back to point 1.

[Rose.1977]

You're having an emotional affair with a married woman. How does it fell to be a cheater?

 

You're just her fantasy nothing more. The reality is what I posted above.

 

Exactly!!!

 

She leaves you and hurts you but after 10 years just cuz her husband pays less attention to her then she wants to tell you that? what a Bit... Go away

[hammyy2k]

from OP i only deduce tht the attempted cheater wife is a highly unstable person and may well be bipolar or some mental illness

 

she is wrecking homes and lives with her actions an d would wreck your life as well

 

i would be mindful of her if i were you

 

i would rather contact the husband and tell her to be wary of her wife