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Separated and no contact


Remorsefulandinpain

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Remorsefulandinpain

H and I have been married for 5 years and earlier this year I had an affair for a month. I went through counseling by myself and was diagnosed with depression. My H was unemployed and though we got along, we had problems swept under the rug.

 

I asked him for marriage counseling multiple times but insisted we didn't need it even though our arguments started to get extremely intense with a bit of physical fighting. This is where the affair came in. The other man was a person I worked with and was going through a separation and he sympathized with me. We started to connect and one thing led to another. I felt horrible, and a month later, I told my H and of course everything fell apart.

 

He would call me names, insult me, and I soaked it all in. However, he gave me a chance and I kept insisting that I didn't deserve my husband and wanted him to go home for a while. As a month passed, I was still in an affair fog and my husband would catch me talking to or find items that the other man gave me that I forgot about. I was extremely remorseful and feelings were complicated, but I would have a bipolar thing going on.

 

I really wanted to work things out with my husband, but he told his family and was forcing me to visit them, but I was extremely hesitant. until one day, he found out that the other man was trying to contact me and we got into an argument and he left, but I tried to stop him, telling him I haven't talked to him. He moved to another state (a state where we were supposed to move together to) and never contacted me except for a few times where he texted me saying he wanted me to move on, don't wait for him, go with the other man, and to never contact him unless it was finances.

 

He told me I made the choices, ruined our relationship, and that he has a new life. As we've always planned and despite what he said, I still moved to the state and am trying to show him that I'm working hard at what we planned for. I haven't talked to him for 2 months, I'm giving him his space, but I truly am remorseful, penitent, and want to work on our marriage.

 

I take all of the blame for what I've done. And I'm feeling deeep in pain, especially since I've heard that he's been talking to another woman and is sleeping with her. Idk what to do... we're separated, not legally, and he won't talk to me. I don't know where we stand anymore, but I can't and won't give up. Is it too late for us?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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It takes two to work on a marriage.

 

For some infidelity is a deal breaker,

 

You should move on like your H has.

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If he's not willing to work on it, you have to let him go, and he's not. Once a person loses trust in you, it's just impossible to get that old feeling back if they feel it was a real betrayal.

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understand50

It is over. You need to accept this, and move towards a divorce.

 

Nothing here to save.

 

I wish you luck.

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Get some therapy and/or medication for your condition. Let this relationship go and be very careful before you commit to another one. Make sure you've moved past all your issues, and be honest with your next boyfriend about the reasons for your divorce.

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You say your husband kept catching you talking to the MM after the affair was supposed to be over. That is what killed your marriage. He may have been able to get over the infidelity but the continued lying and contact with the MM is what pushed your husband away for good.

 

If I understand your post, you say you and your husband had begun to have physical fights before the affair occurred? Maybe your marriage wasn't very good to start with and it's for the best that it's over.

 

Perhaps one day in the far away future your husband will have a change of heart and be willing to consider reconciliation but for now you should proceed with your life as though the marriage is over. You are just wasting valuable time trying to hold onto something that has ended.

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He gave you a chance and you blew it. Reconciliation is a gift and you took that gift, opened it up and took a great big dump on it. By the time the OM was contacting you and you actually were innocent, he had no reason to believe you. Had you stayed true after D-day, you would have gotten past that.

 

Leave your H alone. Let him find a wife that will love him and only him.

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My best advice would be to get counseling to try and understand what went wrong, especially with your reconciliation. Your narrative is extremely confusing in parts and greatly in need of paragraph breaks. It's a moot point at this stage, but I don't think you know what rug-sweeping, affair fog or remorse really mean. You should try to get some clarity on what 'remorse' means.

 

It's clear that you resented some of your husband's reactions. Were the name-calling and insults intended to victimize you or express the outrage of a victim of betrayal and deceit? You were 'hesitant' and felt 'forced' to confess to his family. But I agree with you here: It was a mistake for him to put you to this test because, in fact, you failed. He should have just told them himself.

 

And now, you don't give us any reason to think that your husband is considering getting back together with you or why you think you have any role in his life any more. The only thing really clear is that you can't accept that it's over and you've lost him. Maybe you could get some counseling to understand better how and why things spun out of control during your reconciliation, but I don't see how or why you have the right to continue harassing him.

 

Sorry that this comes across as harsh but not really. You are not the victim here. Just move on and get help trying to find HONESTY in your life - honesty with yourself and others. The truth WILL set you free if you let it.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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yes i think its all over,

 

'affair fog' or whatever the psychological term only just means going into a deeper hole with no feeling of consequences but there are always consequences, your actions just gave him justification in his mindset to seek other women, it is the justification he all needed to sleep with other women, he maybe cheating on you as well and may even come back later but for now do you really want to be in relation where there are two cheaters who couldnt be honest to each other, i mean one is bad enough to be a deal breaker, two is pretty much dug deep to be buried. maybe it was all over for him and a deal breaker and would waste one more time on the sort of marriage he was in, which was a mess.

 

in my opinion, anybody who is legally not divorced should not resort to another relation, i still consider it cheating, if your husband is so bent upon finishing the marriage, he should have sought divorce first before beginning another relation. i think what he is doing is not honorable. But not much honor is left in the era today, people are more selfish than honorable nowadays.

 

you should seek divorce and move forward and learn about your mistakes before involving in another relation or rebound.

Edited by hammyy2k
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Remorsefulandinpain,

You made a pretty compelling case why this marriage is failing and ending. Why do you want to try to save your marriage and relationship with your husband? From everything you mentioned, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship for both of you. Where is the up side for either one of you? What would be your long term vision for this marriage?

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What's killed it is the behaviour post dday. For him the trust is gone.

 

These are what killed it.

 

I kept insisting that I didn't deserve my husband and wanted him to go home for a while

 

He could have interpreted this as you didn't want the marriage.

 

my husband would catch me talking to or find items that the other man gave me that I forgot about

 

talking to the OM once the affair was out, was wrong and damaging.

 

If you really made it clear the OM shouldn't contact you with a NC letter, your husband might have gotten through this.

 

Now it looks like, he's gone and you finally realise what you've lost.

 

I won't say that he wouldn't consider reconciliation, many file to show you that they are serious and are disappointed when the cheating spouse doesn't try.

 

If you think he's done, then proceed with divorce.

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PegNosePete
I don't know where we stand anymore

Your husband has told you quite plainly, exactly where you stand.

 

You should believe him.

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