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I will make this brief.

Last year my wife and I were having a “low” in our marriage. I said some hurtful things about her not trying hard enough in her career. I did apologize later but not initially. I tried to get our marriage out of the “low” by spending more time, trips to Europe, flowers and jewelry. It was too late as her heart was hardened. She has a co-worker that was feeding her positive words and an emotional affair ensued. Some of the evidence I found leads me to believe it was headed to a physical affair. My belief is that it didn’t go farther because I found out. We have been married for almost 30 years and have 4 kids (youngest 18). No other marriages for either of us, high school sweethearts. I take care of myself physically, can fix anything, have always been a very involved Dad, volunteered for many causes and generally believe to be a good provider. You can imagine my extreme pain in finding out what she was doing.

Reconciliation was an option for me but she has been the typical wayward spouse. “It’s not as bad as you think it was” “Yes, I lied, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings” “Yes, I fantasized about sex with him, but I would have never done it” “I don’t feelings for him” etc. Additionally, she keeps doing things that I perceive as deal breakers. A couple of examples:

There are two other women she works with that are single and have carried on affairs with married men. I told my wife I was not comfortable with her going out after work with these ladies. She did it anyway.

She omitted telling me when the OM was working the same shift as her (sometimes they overlap) “Oh, I forgot”

She committed to re-arranging her work schedule and did not tell me. She knew I would be unhappy and would have said no. So, she did it anyway and waited until she got home to tell me.

I think that was the last straw.

Here is my request for advice:

She is a hysterical mess and wants to save the marriage.

I want a divorce but she threatens suicide if I do. She gets out of control and hits herself and me. I am concerned that she may do it intentionally or inadvertently.

Any help or advice?????

Edited by Air2jjs
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The next time she threatens suicide, call 911 (if you're in the US). This is a quick way to determine if she's serious or not....

 

That being said, anyone who threatens S, is working to simply manipulate you and get her way. If you are truly done, be done and move on. You can't fix her and she has proven to be on her own agenda.

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You need counselling, both marriage counselllng and individual counselling.

 

It's hard to say, but I would not be swayed by the threats of suicide. It's a manipulation tactic of the worst kind... It would actually make me more determined to leave the marriage. I wouldn't want to married to anyone who used something like that to manipulate me into doing what they wanted. It's low.

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First, I am sorry your are going through this and wish you the best. Loveshack is a good place. Most here have been or are going through the same thing as you. You will get a lot of advice here; some good, some bad. Use what works for you.

 

 

Second, there is always more going on than what the WS tells you. Trickle Truth. You get bits and pieces handed to you after you discover more. Whether it got physical or not, we cannot say, but she is not telling you all of the truth........they never do.

 

 

The suicide threats are really common from a WS that has been "found out". I think it's just a tactic to try to take some heat off - but that's just my opinion. However, you should probably watch for signs just in case!

 

 

Divorce????? Only YOU know if that is right for you. No one else can/should make that decision for you.

 

 

Since they work together, you should insist on an immediate job change.....either a transfer or a different company. You will never be comfortable with her working with that guy - never.

 

 

NO CONTACT with him at all is the first step. If she cannot do that, you are in for tougher times. However, if she really wants to stay with you, as she states in her "suicide threats", then she will do that.

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She needs to leave her job immediately. Sit at home with no luxuries ( can't afford because of loss of her income ) and find another one. Thats the consequence of what she is doing IF she wants to save her marriage.

 

Suicide threat is usually a manipulation tactic. Call 911 next time she says so.

 

The " oh, I forgot " ! Heard it always from those who are choosing to forget.

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Like you said your open for reconciliation like may others mentioned NC with the AP, ask her to leave the job asap and no going out with those friends and make her attend both IC and MC if she's against any of this then you get your answer

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I don't support ever staying with someone that can cheat. I know that is harsh but I have been through it to many times. People that do this show not only can they do it again but that they will if you give them the opportunity. What happens the next time your marriage is at a low point. Its not your job to teach her. Its your job to be her husband. She fired you from that job the moment she put another man in your spot. Cheating doesn't have to be physical. Emotional cheating can be worse at times. If she is feeling suicidal then call her family and the cops if you need to. She knew what she was doing when she did what she did. She is now using this as manipulation to let her have her way.

 

There are far better women out there. Not all women cheat.

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Mrs. John Adams

I agree next time she threatens to kill herself call 911.

 

Therapy for both of you... no contact .. no girls night out... for her.

 

If she really wants to reconcile she will be asking you what you need from her.

 

You cannot reconcile alone..

 

I recommend the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald

 

It's a good book that can help guide you

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If she threatens suicide, call 911. Insist on a 72 hour hold.

 

If she hits you, call 911. File a complaint.

 

If she hits herself, call 911, and tell them that she has been suicidal and is self-harming. Insist on a 72 hour hold.

 

As for the wayward stubbornness, it might be amazing what 3 days being monitored 24/7 and not allowed to have shoestrings or real silverwear might do for her pride.

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She gets out of control and hits herself and me.

 

Buy a voice activated recorder (VAR) and keep it on yourself.

 

She may claim that you hit her.

 

Some are really small and you can get them at Best Buy or Amazon. Get one that lasts a long time before recharging. Get two so you can swap them out when one is recharging.

 

Call 911 for sure. Then you will have an official record to back you up.

Edited by Buckeye2
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No other marriages for either of us, high school sweethearts. We have been married for almost 30 years and have 4 kids (youngest 18).

 

This is very typical. She has been busy being a wife and mother her entire adult life. Now she has an empty nest. Life is short and she wants some excitement.

 

I tried to get our marriage out of the “low” by spending more time, trips to Europe, flowers and jewelry. have always been a very involved Dad, volunteered for many causes and generally believe to be a good provider.

 

You’re a good stable guy. So stable that she can take you for granted. She wants you for stability and her reputation (especially with your kids). She also wants some excitement.

 

There are two other women she works with that are single and have carried on affairs with married men. I told my wife I was not comfortable with her going out after work with these ladies.

 

This is very bad. What do single women do for entertainment at a bar? Does your wife just watch them flirt and get picked up? Plus, with their history they would have no objection to a married woman doing the same.

 

“I don’t have feelings for him”

 

For some people the sex act isn’t a big deal. That’s why they don’t feel very guilty. What counts is the relationship. That’s why you will heal over and over “They meant nothing” and “I was never going to leave you.” It’s what they would want to hear if things were reversed.

 

She is a hysterical mess and wants to save the marriage.

 

Of course she does. She wants to grow old with you. Other men don’t want a relationship with her, they want sex. She wants the security you provide and to protect her reputation.

 

I want a divorce but she threatens suicide if I do.

 

She may be serious or not. I think it’s symbolic. If you divorce then her life as she knew it is over

Edited by Buckeye2
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I do like the advice you have been given about her changing her job, but not if you file for D.

 

If you want to file for D, have her stay in her job.

 

She is lying to you still. She has had sex with him.

 

so first make up your decision about D or R.

 

If she wants R and you do to, then still go ahead and file for D.

 

you can stop any time. I do like the advice about the VAR.

 

Protect yourself. and give evidence to your attorney about her hitting you.

 

If you do decide to try R, she must leave her job.

 

She also has to write a timeline for her affairs. Then have her take a polly on the timeline.

 

Also have her sign a post nup if you do R.

 

And have her get tested for stds.

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If she's hysterically desperate to save the marriage, then I would pose that quitting her job is the test. If she's willing to do it, then you may have a truly remorseful wayward spouse on your hands. If she isn't, then all of the drama is simply manipulation.

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She committed to re-arranging her work schedule and did not tell me. She knew I would be unhappy and would have said no. So, she did it anyway and waited until she got home to tell me.

 

Did this cause her to see more or less of the OM? What reason did she give for doing it?

Edited by Buckeye2
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I think you need to read the thread posted at the top of this forum, Things that Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know. While you're obviously not the wayward, it paints a good picture of what the WS should be doing to demonstrate true remorse. Doesn't sound like she was doing that before. What about now? I think you need to ask yourself what you really need from her in order to potentially forgive.

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Thanks for all of the advice. Calling 911 seemed drastic but it's the sensible thing to do.

 

She arranged her schedule to do a favor for another male co-worker. My issue was that she would not be home for a family dinner. This was agreed that she would be home in the evening with the family after all of this was revealed. I don't know if it allowed her more time with the OM.

 

During her emotional affair she was working a later shift that prevented family dinners. When she bid the shift, I strongly asked her not to but she did it anyway. So coupled with the late nights and and her affair, I have a real issue with her choosing not to be home. My two youngest (18 and 21) still are around in the evenings.

 

By, choosing to re-arrange her shift and not talk with me, after everything that happened just made me realize this isn't going to work. I'm determined to D, but I am trying to navigate with the least amount of damage. It's been traumatic in our home and I just want it to end. I still care very much for her and do not want her to harm herself. I think if she can get through the divorce alive, she will be ok.

 

As for everybody that is suggesting divorce, I'm there and know my worth. I have been a solid family man for years and I have much to offer somebody else. I hope someday I can find a faithful person but I'm not counting on it. I thought my wife would never do something like this.

 

What an Idiot I am!

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As for everybody that is suggesting divorce, I'm there and know my worth.

 

Don't say anything now. See a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row. Have a plan mapped out. Then present her with the papers.

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She's had/having sex with the guy. It has never failed here or on any other infidelity forum I have been on that if she/he are in physical proximity (like a coworker) the EA is actually PA. Always, 100%, guaranteed. All you have to do is keep snooping and keep threatening her with divorce if she will not reveal the truth.

 

You will now defend her and list of a bunch of reasons why your particular case is different. Fine, I know this is what all BH's do. Facing the truth - and in your gut you know she's been screwing the guy - is too painful and you are not ready to face it yet. You will soon find that getting to the truth is the most important factor in your decision whether to try to reconcile or not.

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Your not a idiot. Its good that you know your worth. Its hard to understand why people throw away the marriage and then when there are called on it they put it back on you. That is what her threatening is doing. There is no doubt she is suffering. She just got caught and she knows not only is she going to lose her comfortable stable home life but she was not ready to be with this new guy. She might not have ever had plans to run off with him.

 

As far as the suicide thing I know it seems drastic but I can tell you honestly you need to take it serious every time its said. My oldest daughter threatened weekly since she was 11. Three years ago she successfully completed it. Its not something you will ever forget or live down. If she threatens it you tell her you are going to get her the help she needs and you call 911 and her family.

 

C

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She's had/having sex with the guy. It has never failed here or on any other infidelity forum I have been on that if she/he are in physical proximity (like a coworker) the EA is actually PA. Always, 100%, guaranteed. All you have to do is keep snooping and keep threatening her with divorce if she will not reveal the truth.

 

You will now defend her and list of a bunch of reasons why your particular case is different. Fine, I know this is what all BH's do. Facing the truth - and in your gut you know she's been screwing the guy - is too painful and you are not ready to face it yet. You will soon find that getting to the truth is the most important factor in your decision whether to try to reconcile or not.

 

What may have or didn't happen is irrelevant now, he seems pretty set on divorce.

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From what you said...

 

She has lied to you about all of it. Since this is the first affair that you have dealt with, you did not know how to handle it.

 

The affair was physical and she had been seeing him since you caught her. SHE IS LYING...

 

It is too far gone if she has all the issues that you describe. Have to go against Allie on this, file for divorce. Let the chips fall where they may...

Edited by BluesPower
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I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It really is a tough time that will truly test your marriage.

 

My advice: Take her threats of suicide seriously. I had an ex-bf threaten suicide to me when I was younger and he followed through. Please listen to her. I see this hysterical behavior as a cry for help. I'm sure you're enraged with her right now but you need to be there for her. After all, she's the mother of your children.

 

Honestly, it sounds like she may have gone through with the physical affair and the effects of that are just now hitting her. IF THIS IS THE CASE, this is a dangerous time for her emotionally.

 

I think it's a true testament to your love for her that you're willing to work on your marriage. Research the nature of affairs and try to better safe-guard your marriage. You need to make it clear to her that you won't stand for disrespect of this nature. Do not rug sweep, you will be doing a disservice to you and her both. Learn to communicate better. If you can afford it, try marriage counseling. She needs individual counseling irregardless. I wish you both luck. People make the wrong choice sometimes but they can change if they choose to learn from the lesson and not run from it.

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LivingWaterPlease

I'm going to weigh in with those who tell you to take the suicide threat seriously. Although many times it is a manipulative tactic it's not worth the risk to ignore it in case she means to follow through or maybe would even fake a follow through and end up being successful.

 

From what you've written your wife is unstable which is revealing itself in many ways. She seriously needs help. You write that you care a great deal for her. Since it seems you're going to try to keep your relationship with her intact even if you divorce, I hope you'll insist she gets the help she needs.

 

Whether or not you reconcile, I'm not going to weigh in on. Seems you've already decided to D, anyway.

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OP, this is bad for she has been banging this OM for some

time.

 

WW hanging with two toxic GF's that had, having, affairs.

 

The way she changed shifts to be with OM.

 

Hiding that OM was a co-worker.

 

 

Next time she hits, call the cops.

Next time she threatens suicide, call the cops.

Tell your children that their mom is having an affair.

 

If you want to recover this marriage then tell WW she

must quit this job as of now, NC the two toxic GF's and the

OM for starters.

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