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Possible infidelity with my best friend.


thisismyusername1

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thisismyusername1

Just throwing this out into the universe to get some differing opinions.

 

Married for 15 years. I'm a Brit and moved abroad to be with my wife. During the courtship she would visit me and as I was working I asked my friend to show her around and just hang which he did and they get on well. It became a running joke that he had a thing for her and then some time passed.

 

Years later I found out from FB that my best friend had got married. He'd been my best man so obviously I was shocked to find this out and although we didn't talk for a few years after when I later confronted him he told me it was because they didn't want my wife to be there. When asked why it was supposedly about an email argument that they'd had and let me tell you I saw the emails and it was NOTHING and certainly nothing reacting this way. It made me think that something bigger had gone on that I don't know about for not to invite me or my parents (with whom he was great friends) over such a trivial thing didn't sit right.

 

Move forward to present day. We're having a fight and she says that during the times she and my BF were hanging out he spent the entire time warning her about me and how I would be just using her and then she dropped a bombshell of sorts. Now she has a cruel tongue and has a habit of saying things just to get a reaction but this just hit me and has been on my mind ever since. Basically she said that HE would have been the better choice to marry. We have a child so I didn't get into any further as he was still in the house and I intend to continue the conversation but what do you, Internet stranger, make of all this?

 

Apologies for the wall of text and relaxed grammar.

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doyathinkso

Well at first glance it would appear as if your wife and this ex-friend have some history, history which you have never been privy to.

 

Then, your former best man not even letting you know of his marriage, let alone inviting you to the ceremony, well this does not smell good.

 

Then the lame-ash explanation of an email argument, .... give me a break.

 

You my friend have good reason to be upset. You appear to have wasted 15 years on a deceptive woman. Time to reconsider where and how you want the rest of your life to be. Don't get hung up on the "sunk cost fallacy".

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GorillaTheater
Basically she said that HE would have been the better choice to marry.

 

 

It's pretty clear that at a minimum they went into some pretty inappropriate territory together; the above, if not a flat-out deal-breaker, comes very damn close.

 

 

He is not your friend. I don't think I'd bother speaking to him again. And I'm not sure your wife is, either. I'd give marriage counseling a whirl to see if you can draw these issues out in the open, but mentally I might start considering divorce to be an option on the table.

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Sadly he had sex with your WW.

 

His future wife knew about it and said no way are

you inviting her to our wedding.

 

Him having sex with your WW is proof that you were never

his good friend. So it was no loss for him to go NC with

you and not invite you to their wedding.

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GorillaTheater

I just read your other thread, OP, regarding your concerns about your wife's co-worker. Did anything come of your investigation earlier this year?

 

 

You're either unduly paranoid about what your wife is up to, or you don't have much of a marriage. Right now my money's on the latter.

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somanymistakes
Sadly he had sex with your WW.

 

His future wife knew about it and said no way are

you inviting her to our wedding.

 

Him having sex with your WW is proof that you were never

his good friend. So it was no loss for him to go NC with

you and not invite you to their wedding.

 

That's a small jump - There's no proof that they had sex and it looks like whatever happened between them may have been before the OP and his wife got married.

 

Something clearly happened. At minimum, he made a serious pass at her, tried to convince her to leave you for him, and remained hung up on her for some time... enough so that his new wife has heard him fixate on this woman and didn't want her anywhere near the wedding.

 

Beyond that we'd just be guessing.

 

It sounds to me like she had the option to choose him at some point and chose the OP instead. But there's so many possible scenarios that all make sense with what little information we have so far. I think rather than letting the internet magic 8-ball invent stories of how your wife is totally banging the milkman, you need to sit down with your wife and have some serious talk.

 

Working yourself up to thinking that she's DEFINITELY a cheating deceptive whatever before you've even talked to her pretty much guarantees any talk will go horribly wrong, because you'll be putting her into panic mode and she'll either lie or be scared enough that you'll think she's lying. STAY CALM.

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I would talk to a lawyer and see your rights. I would also have the lawyer draw up divorce papers. I would then take them home and set them in front of her. I would give her once chance to explain and give complete access or those papers will be filed with the court. If she gets up in anger and walks away I would follow through with it. I would not touch her after that. It would be a complete 180. I would start moving money from the accounts and removing her name off the other accounts. If there is a shared phone account I would have that separated and she would know it.

 

I would show her just how serious I was. If she really loves you and wants to save it you will then see her sincerely trying to save the marriage. If she plays the game and you stay then the next time she cheats its on you.

 

Cheating is a choice. Cheaters know that. Staying is also a choice. If you don't stand up for yourself and your child then who do you expect to do it?

 

 

Good luck.

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thisismyusername1
I just read your other thread, OP, regarding your concerns about your wife's co-worker. Did anything come of your investigation earlier this year?

 

 

You're either unduly paranoid about what your wife is up to, or you don't have much of a marriage. Right now my money's on the latter.

 

My money is in the same place and nope nothing came of that.

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See a lawyer? Yes. You need information about divorce and post divorce (ie what your obligations would be and how custody issues are resolved in your locale).

 

What you really need is disclosure/truth from your wife. Without that you are doomed to live in the Limbo of the Unsure.

 

Or maybe BFF might be a source of information. I do agree with the suspicion that his bride didn't want your wife at her wedding. The issue is why she didn't.

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I lost my ex fiance and a girlfriend to one of my best friends. I have been on the other end of that myself. When it comes to sex, do not trust ANYONE. I will not go into detail other than our marriage was nonmonogamous for most of it, and we played with a lot of similar couples who all divorced due to one or the other falling in love with a friend, boss, wife/husband of a friend, etc..

 

Psychologist suggest that if a couple were going to have a threesome, not to make it with a friend. The reason is that there are existing emotional feelings with a friend and sometimes all it takes is a blast of Oxytocin released during sex to turn that into love.

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Well at first glance it would appear as if your wife and this ex-friend have some history, history which you have never been privy to.

 

Then, your former best man not even letting you know of his marriage, let alone inviting you to the ceremony, well this does not smell good.

 

Then the lame-ash explanation of an email argument, .... give me a break.

 

You my friend have good reason to be upset. You appear to have wasted 15 years on a deceptive woman. Time to reconsider where and how you want the rest of your life to be. Don't get hung up on the "sunk cost fallacy".

 

Wow, where can I buy a crystal ball like yours??

 

OP, something seems off, but if I were you I'd think long and hard about tossing aside your wife of 15 years just because an old friend got married without you knowing and you and your wife had a fight.

 

I know that the go-to response online is ALWAYS that the woman is a lousy cheater, but you don't know that. No....you really don't.

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I would talk to a lawyer and see your rights. I would also have the lawyer draw up divorce papers. I would then take them home and set them in front of her. I would give her once chance to explain and give complete access or those papers will be filed with the court. If she gets up in anger and walks away I would follow through with it. I would not touch her after that. It would be a complete 180. I would start moving money from the accounts and removing her name off the other accounts. If there is a shared phone account I would have that separated and she would know it.

 

I would show her just how serious I was. If she really loves you and wants to save it you will then see her sincerely trying to save the marriage. If she plays the game and you stay then the next time she cheats its on you.

 

Cheating is a choice. Cheaters know that. Staying is also a choice. If you don't stand up for yourself and your child then who do you expect to do it?

 

 

Good luck.

 

And if was your wife and had not cheated, I would sign those papers, take my bag and my kids, and be out of there.

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RecentChange

Time for a polygraph.

 

FYI, polygraph is junk science, not admissible in court, or for employment etc as they aren't reliable at all. Faulse positives and negatives all over.

 

I surprised at all the calls for a divorce.

 

Let me get this straight, over 15 years ago, when you were dating, you think something may have happened between her and one of your friends. A friend you have not spoken to in years.

 

And many here are saying to call a lawyer and pack your bags.

 

How have the 15 years been over all? Has she been in contact with your friend that she was hanging around with a decade and a half ago?

Edited by RecentChange
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FYI, polygraph is junk science, not admissible in court, or for employment etc as they aren't reliable at all. Faulse positives and negatives all over.

 

Not for employment? I've taken them twice.

 

And the best thing about polys for suspected infidelity? Parking lot confessions

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And if was your wife and had not cheated, I would sign those papers, take my bag and my kids, and be out of there.

 

See you need to put this back in the OP's situation. Not yours. He has had several situations that put her into question. The statement alone that the best friend would have been a better pick should send alarm bells.

 

In the OP's case he needs to know the facts and in my mind the only way he is going to get that is to put it all out on the line. If you have been on these sites for a while you will see most cheaters will Trickle truth you to death. That alone has killed many marriages where they would have probably survived had that part played a roll. If he draws a line in the sand so to speak he can get answers quickly. There is no doubt your right she could pick up after that and leave and take the kids. As soon as he gets a lawyer involved she has to be accountable to where she is at. Once you involve kids it completes this.

 

The sooner OP can get this nailed down the better off he will be in the future. The more stable he is the better his child will have a chance with at least one healthy parent.

 

C

 

I am sorry if you felt offended by my advice.

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GorillaTheater
The statement alone that the best friend would have been a better pick should send alarm bells.

 

 

If nothing else, I'd offer to help her pack.

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The statement alone that the best friend would have been a better pick should send alarm bells.

 

This statement was inexcusable. I'm not sure it is evidence of an affair as much as it is evidence of an anger problem and a mean streak.

 

OP, if you want to know what happened 15 years ago, do some digging. I'd talk to the best friend first. Honestly, if something happened, you're more likely to get it out of him.

 

But think. Use your brain. Divorce with kids is tough. To do it right this second because of a conversation and a fight seems...well, it seems kind of knee jerk and indicative of some baggage.

 

I haven't read any of your other threads. If this is just one in a whole list of suspicious behavior, that's different.

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I think road was first...

 

And he was right. She screwed your friend. And she has in general been cheating. It is the attitude.

 

If OP works at it, he will find the truth...

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somanymistakes

Some days I think if someone came in here and posted that his wife looked at a cheese sandwich funny people would insist that she'd had an affair with it.

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thisismyusername1

Funny you should say that... ;)

 

We'll be having a talk soon and hopefully that'll get to the bottom of it.Talking to guy would be a waste of time as he's a stubborn s.o.b. and has more than likely lied to my face once anyway.

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Some days I think if someone came in here and posted that his wife looked at a cheese sandwich funny people would insist that she'd had an affair with it.

 

You'd probably be right.

 

All of this drama is why I don't want to be married anymore. Constant worrying what goes this mean, what does that mean, did she do something 28 years ago, on and on and on ... and on.

 

It's exhausting. I need peace in my life. If one of my FWBs decides she wants another man, I'm going to wish her well and be done with it. Be genuinely happy for her. None of this turmoil.

 

It's too much.

 

I wonder if it's possible to feel that way in a marriage ....

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Move forward to present day. We're having a fight and she says that during the times she and my BF were hanging out he spent the entire time warning her about me and how I would be just using her and then she dropped a bombshell of sorts. Now she has a cruel tongue ...

 

Did the argument have anything to do with the BF or something from 15 years ago? Or did she bring up his warning because the argument triggered something about him or the past? Did you do or say something that he "warned" her about?

Saying she should have married him is a random thing to say, has he come up before in the past 15 years?

Something seems fishy but IMO divorce is a bit premature. Keep talking / investigating...

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