Not ready to quit

[3strikes1]

I guess I will start by giving you all the basics... I am 48 and my wife is 36... we have been married for 11 years and have had three beautiful boys. Our second son passed when he was 9 months old due to complications from open heart surgery 7 years ago. We have an 11 year old and a 6 year old. We have had a lot of ups and downs....she had been a stay at home mom for 10 years and went back to work a year ago.. back in January I was injured on the job and was home after surgery..

 

I would have never suspected it, but I caught her cheating on me with a coworker of hers. I found out he had a girlfriend and was casually dating two other women. When I confronted her I had already set up a therapy appointment and told her that if she wanted to stay married she would be at the appointment. I then called the guy and told him to leave her alone... long story short...someone in her office filed a complaint and he was let go...to my surprise I found out that my wife continued to try and contact this guy, but he would not reply to her..... after a while things settled back down and seemed to get better between us... until last week... she lied about runnning errands after work...

 

i had an idea it was the same guy... the next morning I found her secret second phone and confirmed it was him... I had found a pic on fb of him and his girlfriend so I showed it to my wife and sent his gf a nice message...

I explained to my wife that she might as well be honest and stop wasting her energy sneaking around... that night we sat downnan had a very honest talk... I found that she had sent him an email asking him to meet so she could get closure and figure out the truth... he responded and they met... he denied having any girlfriends and proclaimed his love for her...she told me that she love both of us and that she is confused and needs space...she said when she looks at me she sees the good times but is also reminded of when our son passed and other bad times and that she couldn't put them behind her...

 

I work the mid night shift so I am stuck thinking about this all night... after getting off work the first night I got home to find her at the front door with a huge hug and passionate kiss... we have had several arguments because I need answers... but she is still being affectionate towards me...I have told her that if she wants to leave I'm not going to stop her, but I love my wife and my boys more than anything and don't want to lose them! If we didn't have them I'm sure I would be gone already... I have told her that I am unwilling to sit around while she dates him or to just stay for the boys...

 

She still has the phone, but has given her old phone to my 11 year old. She says that he is not talking to her again because I contacted his friend and he is afraid of me getting him fired from his new job. I believe they are still talking but not sure. She says that she has been unhappy for a long time... we both actually have been, but the spark is still there I almost feel as if I ignored her she would come back to me fully but I don't know.... have been going to therapy but it isn't seeming to help me.. suggestions????

Edited July 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Marc878]

<snip>When I confronted her I had already set up a therapy appointment and told her that if she wanted to stay married she would be at the appointment. I then called the guy and told him to leave her alone... long story short...someone in her office filed a complaint and he was let go...to my surprise I found out that my wife continued to try and contact this guy, but he would not reply to her..... after a while things settled back down and seemed to get better between us... until last week... she lied about runnning errands after work... i had an idea it was the same guy... the next morning I found her secret second phone and confirmed it was him... I had found a pic on fb of him and his girlfriend so I showed it to my wife and sent his gf a nice message...

 

The affair probably never stopped. All cheaters lie, hide and deny.

 

I explained to my wife that she might as well be honest and stop wasting her energy sneaking around... that night we sat downnan had a very honest talk... I found that she had sent him an email asking him to meet so she could get closure and figure out the truth... he responded and they met... he denied

 

total BS check the burner phone I'll repeat cheaters, lie, hide and deny. You only know the "tip of the iceberg". Like most betrayed you want to believe the lies which is all you're getting.

 

having any girlfriends and proclaimed his love for her...she told me that she love both of us and that she is confused and needs space..

 

She wants space for the other guy. You have a cake eater on your hands

 

<snip>

I work the mid night shift so I am stuck thinking about this all night... after getting off work the first night I got home to find her at the front door with a huge hug and passionate kiss... we have had several arguments because I need answers... but she is still being affectionate towards me...I have told her that if she wants to leave I'm not going to stop her, but I love my wife and my boys more than anything and don't want to lose them! If we didn't have them I'm sure I would be gone already... I have told her that I am unwilling to sit around while she dates him or to just stay for the boys... I almost feel as if I ignored her she would come back to me fully but I don't know.... have been going to theeapy but it isn't seeming to help... suggestions????

 

She's being affectionate to keep you as her plan B.

 

If you're smart you'll take yourself out of the equation unless you like having another man in you marriage.

 

Weakness at this time on your part will get you walked all over. You'd better wake up!!!!

Edited July 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quotes

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, would she be so forgiving and accepting as you have been? She continues to disrespect your marriage.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

Good luck.

[3strikes1]

Harsh but what expected... honestly the only reason I'm dealing with this **** is because of my boys... I know they are going to be devastated and that kills me

[3strikes1]

I am sure they only slept together once and that it had ended until last week... have eyes everywhere now and have kept tabs on it... doesn't change the fact tgat she went back... have found a lawyer and meet Monday to find out my options and procedures... guess I will be distancing myself and see what happens... not eating cake at my expense

[Marc878]

Like most you found out the hard way just because you found out doesn't mean it stops.

 

About the only thing you can do and probably should have done up front is exposure. Her/his family and friends. Without any warning!!!!!!

 

All you did was help hide their affair which enabled it.

 

I see this all the time. I called the other man up and warned him. It doesn't do anything at all as you've found.

 

She had no consequences so she never stopped.

 

You want to be a martyr for your kids go ahead but it's not a good idea to destroy your life in the process.

 

Don't lie to your kids. Tell them in a sanitized way.

[Marc878]

I am sure they only slept together once and that it had ended until last week... have eyes everywhere now and have kept tabs on it... doesn't change the fact tgat she went back... have found a lawyer and meet Monday to find out my options and procedures... guess I will be distancing myself and see what happens... not eating cake at my expense

 

You only know what she told you. Again you want so bad to believe it but....

 

She had a burner phone. That's smart high tech cheater action.

 

In these situations talk gets you nothing. It just exacerbates your weakness of taking no action.

[3strikes1]

You are right... I found out and automatically thought it would stop... that really hurt when it didn't...

Oh no... believe me there was exposure... I didn't hide it at all....

[whichwayisup]

I am sure they only slept together once and that it had ended until last week... have eyes everywhere now and have kept tabs on it... doesn't change the fact tgat she went back... have found a lawyer and meet Monday to find out my options and procedures... guess I will be distancing myself and see what happens... not eating cake at my expense

 

Bull. There's A LOT more she's not telling you.

 

File for divorce. Even if in the future you don't (follow through on it) your wife doesn't need to know that. Let her future actions prove to you that she is remorseful, open, honest and is willing to do anything and everything to reconnect with you and prove she's worthy of a second change and to regain your trust in her again. Right now she's still in contact with him and lying to you, sneaking off and being selfish. She's in a total (affair) fog and until she suffers major consequences, nothing will change/happen. Life will be as it is now. Tell her to pack her bags and GO to him. Or go to her parents or a friends house. She can come pick up the kids and spend time with them but not with you around.

 

Marriage counseling is a must!!!

[Marc878]

I hate to see you go through this but you can't make anyone do anything. You can control yourself and your actions.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Marriage counciling if you could find a decent one that doesn't rugs weep or blame you is totally worthless in an active affair which is what you've got here.

 

She has no intention according to your post of stopping at this time.

 

If you're smart you'll take yourself out of the equation.

 

She should be bending over backwards to save her marriage. If she isn't you can't do it yourself.

 

Being weak at this time will get you walked all over.

Edited July 16, 2017 by Marc878

[WilyWill]

The affection from her is pure manipulation--a smokescreen to control you and keep you on the hook while she figures out how to continue the affair.

 

You should definitely file for divorce and expose to all the same people you exposed to last time. Treat her with polite indifference at home and reject any of her advances.

 

If you want to save the marriage, you may ultimately consider marriage counseling. However, your wife first needs individual counseling with a qualified therapist to address the issues that caused her to have an affair. She should be reminded that you also have to deal with the grief of your son's death, but it doesn't cause you to want sex with other women.

[3strikes1]

Marc as much as I don't want too... I have to agree with you...

 

Just can't believe this is really happening... I waited forever to find the right person to have kids with... i have an 11 year old and this $&@ happened to me when I was 11... came home to find my dads dresser gone... no warning no nothing... makes it that much harder, but like you said it isn't gonna do any good to be a marshmallow... she is just gonna continue to walk all over me and not give a crud....

[Marc878]

Marc as much as I don't want too... I have to agree with you...

 

Just can't believe this is really happening... I waited forever to find the right person to have kids with... i have an 11 year old and this $&@ happened to me when I was 11... came home to find my dads dresser gone... no warning no nothing... makes it that much harder, but like you said it isn't gonna do any good to be a marshmallow... she is just gonna continue to walk all over me and not give a crud....

 

You are the kids father. Think back and handle this the right way. Don't lie or hide things from them. Kids sometimes blame themselves. Do not let that happen.

 

You can tell them the truth in a sanitized way. You wife will want to hide it, etc.

 

When your married you can't have a BF or GF. Your mom has a BF his name is .....

 

You'd better get strong and stay there. Weakness will destroy you in this situation.

 

Sorry man but you didn't do this. You will have to deal with it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've had an affair so I can tell you that the WS will say anything to deflect the blame - that being said, I can also tell you that losing a child can do really bad things to a person. I have not experienced it personally but I've witnessed it in other people. Did she seek therapy after it happened?

 

Lastly, your wife is now in the heights of what as known as limerance, a heightened state of addiction. Think of it as a drug addict. You are not dealing with someone in their right mind so the usual actions will not have the desired response. She won't care, she will just double down.

 

Of course you do not need to stick around for this fun experience, and I'm not being light about it, she is going to crash and burn since it sounds like the guy is done with her. Some of spouses did it, some did not. You will hear a lot of opinions. Take them all from where they come.

 

You should read up on the 180. At the same time though, limerance is strong. It can make a person do anything, jump out a window, leave their family, destroy their career, lose it all. It's a drug.

 

I guess you need to decide what you want and what you are willing for fight for and put up with.

 

Marriage counseling is worthless till she's been in NC for 6 months with him.

 

Did you call the guy? That usually makes them go away fast.

[Cephalopod]

You are doing the Pick Me dance and it isn't going to work. The only thing that might possibly turn this around is by showing her harsh consequences...divorce being the most obvious. She doesn't love you and respects you even less.

[Jersey born raised]

Did you read the link that Marc gave you? I am going to post the first post.

Doing this will save your sanity.

 

 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

 

You need to detach as the BS to see clearly what is in front of you. This link discusses what your WW needs to acknowledge and overcome.

[Jersey born raised]

This link will help your WW realize what she has done and what see needs fo do. Read carefully and see if these are her ACTIONS. Words are not truth, action is truth. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

 

I have thought about posting this for some time now. It is not original to me, and chances are that many here have already seen this. It is from another forum (that can be found by searching on the title of this thread). If you go to that forum/thread, the person posting this says that they do not know its origin - but deep within the tread the original author/poster who put this together comes forth and says that they have no problem with it being distributed. I presume that to be true.

 

This is for the wayward spouse (particularly in the early stages of trying to understand) - and perhaps would be something useful for any betrayed spouse to share with their wayward spouse...

 

The only reason i am posting this here is in hopes that it might help others the way it did my wife and I.

 

*****

 

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

 

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand. YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

 

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

 

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

 

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

 

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

 

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

 

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

 

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

 

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

 

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

 

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

 

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

 

Your first mission is to learn.

 

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.

 

Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

 

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

 

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

 

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

 

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

 

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

 

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

 

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

 

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

 

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

 

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

 

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

 

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

 

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”

Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

 

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

 

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

 

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

 

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

 

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

 

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

 

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

 

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

 

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

 

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

 

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

 

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

 

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

 

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

 

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

 

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

 

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

 

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

 

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

 

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

 

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

 

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

 

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

 

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

 

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

 

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

 

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect

moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most

comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

 

A statement of gratitude.

 

An expression of your love.

 

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

 

An admission that you caused their pain.

 

An expression of your sense of shame.

 

A promise that it will never happen again

 

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

 

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

 

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care

for others.

 

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

 

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They

begin exploring new involvements.

 

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

 

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

 

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

 

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Op... what is it you are really looking for?

 

Do you want to reconcile? Do you want to kick her to the curb?

 

Because I will tell you honestly... you will receive tons of negative comments.. divorce her.., she's lying.., all cheaters forever lie on and on...

 

So tell us... what do you need and what do you want?

[whichwayisup]

I guess I will start by giving you all the basics... I am 48 and my wife is 36... we have been married for 11 years and have had three beautiful boys. Our second son passed when he was 9 months old due to complications from open heart surgery 7 years ago. We have an 11 year old and a 6 year old. We have had a lot of ups and downs....she had been a stay at home mom for 10 years and went back to work a year ago.. back in January I was injured on the job and was home after surgery..

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's just heartbreaking.

 

Did you and your wife do grief counseling? I'm wondering if losing a child affected her (not an excuse or justification of her cheating) and messed her up. Obviously the choices she's made haven't been healthy, she's risked the marriage and the family life/together under one roof, all for what?

[Mr Blunt]

..she told me that she love both of us and that she is confused and needs space...

 

Your wife has been sneaking around and contacting the OM

OUCH!!!!...what a blow!

 

No man that I know is ever going to accept a wife that says that she loves two men and is confused…

 

If you want to consider R then she must cut all contact with the OM immediately….you should give your wife an ultimatum that has verifications on this issue; either she goes NO CONTACT with the OM right now or you should start your life without her….You must be strong and she must face consequences because she is not going to snap out of her fantasy fog by you being timid. She cannot have two men she must only choose one or you can choose to do whatever is best only for you.

 

Also, she will have to start the ball rolling by showing actions of true remorse…There are tons of resources for this subject and Mrs. John Adams, that is on this forum, can lead you to some very good ones. Get all the help that you can in your area and elsewhere. Include people that have had a successful R for many years.

 

If you do not want to R and want to D then do the same thing; get all the help that you can and include people that have successfully D and have many years after the D so that they can give you an idea about that life.

 

DO NOT ALLOW your betraying wife to put you down; either she will be an asset to you or she should be out of your life.

[3strikes1]

Midnight blue- what you say makes the most sense... yes I have read the 180 and it right on because I have done just about the opposite of every single one and each time I wish I had just shut my mouth because it didn't help

Me a bit...will stat using immediately..

 

Whichwayisup- thank you.... it is the hardest thing any human being can go through... watching your child slowly die for two months....she blames herself...yes she was diagnosed with ptsd....there is a lot more to it though... her mother had issues also....depression and anxiety... I have spoken in depth with her father and found her mother did the same to him...we have been going to counseling ever since we lost our son and have found our oldest has ADHD... so this counselor knows us well... after the second visit she looked at me and asked what I thought my wife needed... I told her meds... she went on them and it helped a little....

I fully understand everyone's point of view on here and agree with most of it... some will think I am a fool, but I LOVE MY WIFE... that being said I also am not willing to be treated the way that I have... I am going to start using 180 immediately! I'm following through with the lawyer and setting up an exit strategy... from past experience I'm pretty sure 180 will turn her around, but like 180 says I need to concentrate on me... figure out what I want ...it is gonna be a long road if I try to stick it out...like mnb said this is like an addiction...tough love is what it is going to take and I need to remember I can only control me and how I act and react... that is the hard part.... I just wanna shake her and tell her to wake up.... this ass hole is 36...and lives at home with mommy and daddy... has all the women on the side... what could he possibly offer her... everything she is doing is self destructive and all I can do is sit back and watch as I protect myself and the boys

[Superchicken]

...she said when she looks at me she sees the good times but is also reminded of when our son passed and other bad times and that she couldn't put them behind her...

...

 

How FU#$%N dare she brings this up, and what ?, it was your fault your kid died.

 

 

What FU#%$N BULL !.

 

 

To use this as an excuse to cheat, is just unfathomable to me.

 

 

Gutter trash talk that blows my mind.

What a piece of work she is.

 

 

She freakin cheated because she wanted too.

 

 

I need a break, as I just read your post, and still pissed on how she threw the death in your face.

 

 

This is the angriest I have bee towards any cheater yet !. WOW !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[jenkins95]

...she told me that she love both of us and that she is confused and needs space...she said when she looks at me she sees the good times but is also reminded of when our son passed and other bad times and that she couldn't put them behind her...

 

Hi 3strikes. Welcome to LS, sorry you find yourself in such an awful situation.

 

I found the quoted bit uncomfortable. I have no doubt that both of you were devastated by the tragedy that happened in your family, but I can't help feeling here that she is using that in a manipulative way here i.e. "I had an affair because every time I look at you it reminds me of the tragedy." Perhaps I'm calling it wrong, but this comes across as very low and a way of side stepping responsibility for her selfish decisions. You see, I was a cheater myself and I know how low and twisted we can get when we are in the fog and survival mode.

 

You are an amazingly understanding and patient guy, but I feel she may be using this to her advantage and to manipulate you. Sadly, I agree with other posters that an awful lot more happened during the A than you know. Maybe you need to be a bit tougher, show her you mean business and that she is in genuine danger of losing you because at the moment she is taking you for granted and calling the shots.

 

As is so often the case, I agree with midnightblue's advice.

 

Good luck and keep posting!!

[Friskyone4u]

Since you cannot change this terrible incident of losing a child, and since she has been using that as her justification for continuing to cheat on you, you are now playing the pick me game. You cannot make what she is using as an excuse disappear and she has not yet had any consequences that truly threaten her family life, so why should she give it up.

 

And given she has already gone the burner phone route, you know she will find some app or other way to communicate with OM since she appears to be the one pursuing at this point.

 

You should file for divorce ( you can stop it anytime you want to) . It does not happen instantaneously but it does make it clear to her that the open marriage she has you in is not happening any more.

 

And lastly, you need to surprise her with a polygraph test before the divorce becomes final. otherwise you are going to be in rinse and repeat again.

 

And you also need to stop using your kids as an excuse to do nothing. You will be a better dad not spending half your time wondering if your wife is cheating on you.

[somanymistakes]

How FU#$%N dare she brings this up, and what ?, it was your fault your kid died..

 

not to defend her because what she's done is very wrong BUT saying that he's a constant reminder of pain and sad times is not the same as saying it was his fault the child died.