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The Truth About His Affair


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I think many wives want to see the good in their husbands when they have learned about his affair. You want to believe his lies that she (the OW) pursued him, that she is crazy, that she made it convenient for him and that she was at fault, he was the victim, etc. You want to believe when he says he never loved her. You want to believe that they only had sex in her car, at her house, etc.

 

Here is the truth:

He pursued her.

She is not crazy, however the affair may have caused high emotions that really did cause her to react abnormally.

There was more than just her. He pursued other women as well.

He is a pathological liar.

He will cheat again but will play it safer next time. You probably won't know about his next affair.

Those social apps on his phone... he uses for cheating, not to just keep in touch with his kids baseball team, etc.

Hotel lounges are for cheating. Yes, he cheats on both you and his mistress when on business trips.

He has been to strip clubs while away on business. Yes he has had lap dances from them.

He meets up with his mistress over lunch. Amazing how much sex can happen in a parked vehicle by a couple trees in a 40 minute time frame.

Yes he invited her to your home. Yes they had sex in your house. This only happened on rare occasions that you were gone for a night or even while you were at work and he said he was at work but had actually taken the day off to spend with his mistress at his house.

My exMM trusted more so much that he told me most of the things he did and I also was a pretty good detective of catching him doing things behind my back. I'd even set him up to see if he would pursue even more illicit encounters and he would go for it every single time. I only did that to prove to myself who he really was but I still couldn't break free from the love I felt for him.

Yes he is manipulating you with his charm and good sex to keep you from leaving him now that some of the truth is out to try and win you back and to make you believe he is working on earning your trust back. He will cheat again many years down the road and you will have lost precious time that could have been spent finding a better man who really would be faithful.

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Starswillshine

Ok, I am not sure exactly the point of coming to a board where there are a bunch of BS and make a thread about it. But I guess, we (us BS) do go to the OW/OM board and set out stories straight as well, so fair enough.

 

I think a lot of OW tend to believe that if a BS hasn't filed for divorced, the WS is forgiven immediately and that we lap up all his lies. Since you want to set the story straight, I will set the story straight as well. He is a liar... if there is anyone who knows this best, it is the BS. We have seen the promises of love and admiration. We have watched him play perfect husband role. It is why we are so crushed and confused when DDay happened. We don't care who pursued who.... he ALWAYS had the option to put a stop, he continued. I don't know many BSs who believe their WS was some victim. He went in with his eyes wide open. Of course there are still many lies, of course he will minimise. We aren't as delusional you you would like to believe. We all know there is what HE says and what SHE says... And then their is a truth.

 

I have said it a few times but when the OW gets on these boards and talk about the BS being so delusional, stupid, weak, etc because she hasn't divorced her husband right away, I just have to roll my eyes. Nearly every one of these OW would be signing up for a full relationship with the exact same man they are looking down their noses at BS for staying with.

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RecentChange

Your story is not a universal truth. Not all affairs are like yours.

 

I have been the Other Woman and nothing about your story resonates with my own. I have also been a BS, and again, my husband is nothing like your other man.

 

You can share your story, but do not proclaim it to be gospel.

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I think many wives want to see the good in their husbands when they have learned about his affair. You want to believe his lies that she (the OW) pursued him, that she is crazy, that she made it convenient for him and that she was at fault, he was the victim, etc. You want to believe when he says he never loved her. You want to believe that they only had sex in her car, at her house, etc.

 

Here is the truth:

He pursued her.

She is not crazy, however the affair may have caused high emotions that really did cause her to react abnormally.

There was more than just her. He pursued other women as well.

He is a pathological liar.

He will cheat again but will play it safer next time. You probably won't know about his next affair.

Those social apps on his phone... he uses for cheating, not to just keep in touch with his kids baseball team, etc.

Hotel lounges are for cheating. Yes, he cheats on both you and his mistress when on business trips.

He has been to strip clubs while away on business. Yes he has had lap dances from them.

He meets up with his mistress over lunch. Amazing how much sex can happen in a parked vehicle by a couple trees in a 40 minute time frame.

Yes he invited her to your home. Yes they had sex in your house. This only happened on rare occasions that you were gone for a night or even while you were at work and he said he was at work but had actually taken the day off to spend with his mistress at his house.

My exMM trusted more so much that he told me most of the things he did and I also was a pretty good detective of catching him doing things behind my back. I'd even set him up to see if he would pursue even more illicit encounters and he would go for it every single time. I only did that to prove to myself who he really was but I still couldn't break free from the love I felt for him.

Yes he is manipulating you with his charm and good sex to keep you from leaving him now that some of the truth is out to try and win you back and to make you believe he is working on earning your trust back. He will cheat again many years down the road and you will have lost precious time that could have been spent finding a better man who really would be faithful.

 

Good. Good.

 

Release your anger!

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... We all know there is what HE says and what SHE says... And then their is a truth...

 

Yes, normally this is the bottom line. Both APs are often jointly responsible and will have a very different "angle" when looking at and explaining "the truth".

 

I think in the early days after D-day and subsequent hysterical bonding, the BS may, in desperation, put all the blame on the AP and not their spouse as they don't want to believe their spouse could be the driving force behind something so horrible. My wife at first asked me questions almost inviting me to blame the OW (which I'm glad to say I resisted). But I think in time, when the initial devastation, desperation and survival instinct passes, most BS will see past this. My wife's questions eventually concentrated much more on me and my role than the other person, who became less relevant.

 

In the majority of cases, responsibility is joint - both knew the score going in. There is of course the particularly despicable WS who doesn't even tell the AP that he is married....... It's 100% on the wayward then of course, and very difficult to see how either the BW or OW could forgive.

Edited by jenkins95
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Your story is not a universal truth. Not all affairs are like yours.

 

I have been the Other Woman and nothing about your story resonates with my own. I have also been a BS, and again, my husband is nothing like your other man.

 

You can share your story, but do not proclaim it to be gospel.

^^^^^^^^^

This.

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I think many wives want to see the good in their husbands when they have learned about his affair. You want to believe his lies that she (the OW) pursued him, that she is crazy, that she made it convenient for him and that she was at fault, he was the victim, etc. You want to believe when he says he never loved her. You want to believe that they only had sex in her car, at her house, etc.

 

Here is the truth:

He pursued her.

She is not crazy, however the affair may have caused high emotions that really did cause her to react abnormally.

There was more than just her. He pursued other women as well.

He is a pathological liar.

He will cheat again but will play it safer next time. You probably won't know about his next affair.

Those social apps on his phone... he uses for cheating, not to just keep in touch with his kids baseball team, etc.

Hotel lounges are for cheating. Yes, he cheats on both you and his mistress when on business trips.

He has been to strip clubs while away on business. Yes he has had lap dances from them.

He meets up with his mistress over lunch. Amazing how much sex can happen in a parked vehicle by a couple trees in a 40 minute time frame.

Yes he invited her to your home. Yes they had sex in your house. This only happened on rare occasions that you were gone for a night or even while you were at work and he said he was at work but had actually taken the day off to spend with his mistress at his house.

My exMM trusted more so much that he told me most of the things he did and I also was a pretty good detective of catching him doing things behind my back. I'd even set him up to see if he would pursue even more illicit encounters and he would go for it every single time. I only did that to prove to myself who he really was but I still couldn't break free from the love I felt for him.

Yes he is manipulating you with his charm and good sex to keep you from leaving him now that some of the truth is out to try and win you back and to make you believe he is working on earning your trust back. He will cheat again many years down the road and you will have lost precious time that could have been spent finding a better man who really would be faithful.

 

Exactly what do you hope to gain from this angry tirade?

 

Your story is exactly that, your story. You can't even begin to understand what occurs in another relationship - nor should you, because you don't belong there.

 

The sad reality is, had your married man left his wife and started a life with you after he gave you that diamond ring, you would have been just fine with that. So, don't be so quick to judge the wife for staying with a man that you have happily accepted into your bed and your life.

 

At some point, you have to make the decision to stop being the victim and move on with your life.

Edited by BaileyB
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I do understand ahurtgirl's anger - I mean all those years wasted, empty promises and to top it off, a big f*ing diamond ring! It's beyond belief really. He's put you through hell and has shown himself to be a particularly despicably specimen of an MM - and as an xMM myself, I rarely feel justified or entitled to criticise others.

 

At the end of the day, you dodged a bullet.... But his poor wife is stuck with him. I fear for her future to be honest.

 

No affair is nice and all of us who have been involved have been extremely stupid, selfish and cruel, but not all As were exactly like yours ahurtgirl.

 

I so wish you peace. You can get past him. From our objective point of view, we can see him for the pos he is. Understandably it will take longer for your own heart to realise and accept that....... But you can. You really can.

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That's YOUR truth. Not THE truth

 

Honey, you are struggling more than the help you can get here.

 

You ARE worthy. Just because he didn't see it, doesn't mean you're worthless.

 

Please, are you seeing a therapist yet?

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It's good you acknowledge your evidence and why he's not worthy of even your thoughts!

 

Not all men are scum like him.

 

Work on yourself and why you stayed even though you had evidence that he wasn't worthy.

 

Keep growing and learning how to attract a kind and loving and faithful man!

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I think many wives want to see the good in their husbands when they have learned about his affair. You want to believe his lies that she (the OW) pursued him, that she is crazy, that she made it convenient for him and that she was at fault, he was the victim, etc. You want to believe when he says he never loved her. You want to believe that they only had sex in her car, at her house, etc.

 

Here is the truth:

He pursued her.

She is not crazy, however the affair may have caused high emotions that really did cause her to react abnormally.

There was more than just her. He pursued other women as well.

He is a pathological liar.

He will cheat again but will play it safer next time. You probably won't know about his next affair.

Those social apps on his phone... he uses for cheating, not to just keep in touch with his kids baseball team, etc.

Hotel lounges are for cheating. Yes, he cheats on both you and his mistress when on business trips.

He has been to strip clubs while away on business. Yes he has had lap dances from them.

He meets up with his mistress over lunch. Amazing how much sex can happen in a parked vehicle by a couple trees in a 40 minute time frame.

Yes he invited her to your home. Yes they had sex in your house. This only happened on rare occasions that you were gone for a night or even while you were at work and he said he was at work but had actually taken the day off to spend with his mistress at his house.

My exMM trusted more so much that he told me most of the things he did and I also was a pretty good detective of catching him doing things behind my back. I'd even set him up to see if he would pursue even more illicit encounters and he would go for it every single time. I only did that to prove to myself who he really was but I still couldn't break free from the love I felt for him.

Yes he is manipulating you with his charm and good sex to keep you from leaving him now that some of the truth is out to try and win you back and to make you believe he is working on earning your trust back. He will cheat again many years down the road and you will have lost precious time that could have been spent finding a better man who really would be faithful.

 

You cheated too, right? So shouldn't this same warning label be placed on your forehead?

 

Where is your personal accountability? What was your role in being in position to have these things done to you? That is where your focus should be, and not on Thier Marriage

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Doorstopper

OP can blame shift all she wants but if she refuses to acknowledge and work on her own faults and shortcomings, that led to her actions and behaviors, she will never change either. And she would happy start another affair if she felt it would lead to a marriage..... SMH!

 

 

From the separation and divorce group:

Any ideas on how to tell if a guy is gay or if they are married and are actually not going to leave their marriage?

 

You need to forget about his faults and work on your own.

Edited by Doorstopper
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purplesorrow

This is nothing like my situation. If he really did love you, why was he still going after other women? He was with you because he didn't love his wife, right? You sound bitter that you lost your opportunity to be manipulated by him. You discovered who he really was and still wanted to stay. How are you any different from his wife?

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Quote - "Any idea on how to tell if a guy is guy or if they are married and not actually going to leave their wife?"

 

Indeed. It would seem that the lesson has not been learned from this experience.

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I think many wives want to see the good in their husbands when they have learned about his affair. You want to believe his lies that she (the OW) pursued him, that she is crazy, that she made it convenient for him and that she was at fault, he was the victim, etc. You want to believe when he says he never loved her. You want to believe that they only had sex in her car, at her house, etc.

 

Here is the truth:

He pursued her.

She is not crazy, however the affair may have caused high emotions that really did cause her to react abnormally.

There was more than just her. He pursued other women as well.

He is a pathological liar.

He will cheat again but will play it safer next time. You probably won't know about his next affair.

Those social apps on his phone... he uses for cheating, not to just keep in touch with his kids baseball team, etc.

Hotel lounges are for cheating. Yes, he cheats on both you and his mistress when on business trips.

He has been to strip clubs while away on business. Yes he has had lap dances from them.

He meets up with his mistress over lunch. Amazing how much sex can happen in a parked vehicle by a couple trees in a 40 minute time frame.

Yes he invited her to your home. Yes they had sex in your house. This only happened on rare occasions that you were gone for a night or even while you were at work and he said he was at work but had actually taken the day off to spend with his mistress at his house.

My exMM trusted more so much that he told me most of the things he did and I also was a pretty good detective of catching him doing things behind my back. I'd even set him up to see if he would pursue even more illicit encounters and he would go for it every single time. I only did that to prove to myself who he really was but I still couldn't break free from the love I felt for him.

Yes he is manipulating you with his charm and good sex to keep you from leaving him now that some of the truth is out to try and win you back and to make you believe he is working on earning your trust back. He will cheat again many years down the road and you will have lost precious time that could have been spent finding a better man who really would be faithful.

 

I know you have been hurt by your mm, but assuming that every other person is like him is folly, and I say this really gently to you, you are not correct in this assumption.

 

I saw the emails between my former ws and his ex-ow ( which she as quite proud to send to me, even though I didn't as for them.

 

His ex-ow did pursue him. She does have some sort of a mental health issue and there were no " i love yous" ever exchanged between them.

 

This is a woman who, all this time later, still kept trying to contact me, and it went much further than that. She even emailed my spouse (who was deployed to Afghanistan at the time) an email "anonymously" that told him I was cheating on him - which I most certainly wasn't.

 

I don't think he's going to cheat again, as he has put in a huge amount of work on himself and faced many things.

 

I do hope that you can find healing for yourself. you sound so broken hearted, and that is such a horrible place to be.

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Starswillshine
I know you have been hurt by your mm, but assuming that every other person is like him is folly, and I say this really gently to you, you are not correct in this assumption.

 

I saw the emails between my former ws and his ex-ow ( which she as quite proud to send to me, even though I didn't as for them.

 

His ex-ow did pursue him. She does have some sort of a mental health issue and there were no " i love yous" ever exchanged between them.

 

This is a woman who, all this time later, still kept trying to contact me, and it went much further than that. She even emailed my spouse (who was deployed to Afghanistan at the time) an email "anonymously" that told him I was cheating on him - which I most certainly wasn't.

 

I don't think he's going to cheat again, as he has put in a huge amount of work on himself and faced many things.

 

I do hope that you can find healing for yourself. you sound so broken hearted, and that is such a horrible place to be.

 

Same. Saw the communication (granted not all of it), but she was quick to give them to me. No declarations of love or anything about feelings.

 

They certainly never had sex in our house. I know that with absolute certainty. He never future faked... she was quick to throw him under the bus and give me every detail and she always said they never talked about a future.

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An OW all pissed off bc her MM won't leave his family for her, and then posts about it at a place with a bunch of BSes....oh, the irony.

 

So instead of roasting you too much, I'll try to add something constructive...

 

There are actually guys that you can date that you wouldn't have to worry about this with....they're called unmarried men. That's a good starting place for you.

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Interesting that some of your read this as me feeling angry. I was posting it to help some of those of you who seem to think that your husbands won't cheat again because you are ignoring the truth. Wake up and realize that by allowing them another chance you are going to be hurt again and again. If you feel it's a competition and that us OW would have been more than happy to marry him, you are sadly mistaken. Once we are safely away from exMM manipulation we realize we were the lucky ones. This post was only to help paint a picture of the truth and to prevent future heart ache for those who think everything is now better in their marriage years after an affair. These guys almost always cheat again. TRUTH!!!

 

Also us OM/OW have 100% taken responsibility for our part on this. That is one the reasons I am posting here. I am hoping others wake up and realize what they are doing and also for those BS, that they should never let their guard down. It would be foolish to do so.

Edited by Ahurtgirl
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RecentChange

Hurtgirl.

 

You have one experience. Yours.

 

IT IS NOT THE UNIVERSAL TRUTH WITH A CAPITAL T.

 

Also, I feel like this is a bit misandry. Women lie and cheat as well. Married men do not have a monopoly on this.

 

Did you know average affair lasts for 6 months or less?

 

Do you think all affairs are these sorted "love" affairs that yours was?

 

Sorry you were involved is such a damn mess.... But your affair was hardly typical.

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pheonixrisen
I think many wives want to see the good in their husbands when they have learned about his affair. You want to believe his lies that she (the OW) pursued him, that she is crazy, that she made it convenient for him and that she was at fault, he was the victim, etc. You want to believe when he says he never loved her. You want to believe that they only had sex in her car, at her house, etc.

 

Here is the truth:

He pursued her.

She is not crazy, however the affair may have caused high emotions that really did cause her to react abnormally.

There was more than just her. He pursued other women as well.

He is a pathological liar.

He will cheat again but will play it safer next time. You probably won't know about his next affair.

Those social apps on his phone... he uses for cheating, not to just keep in touch with his kids baseball team, etc.

Hotel lounges are for cheating. Yes, he cheats on both you and his mistress when on business trips.

He has been to strip clubs while away on business. Yes he has had lap dances from them.

He meets up with his mistress over lunch. Amazing how much sex can happen in a parked vehicle by a couple trees in a 40 minute time frame.

Yes he invited her to your home. Yes they had sex in your house. This only happened on rare occasions that you were gone for a night or even while you were at work and he said he was at work but had actually taken the day off to spend with his mistress at his house.

My exMM trusted more so much that he told me most of the things he did and I also was a pretty good detective of catching him doing things behind my back. I'd even set him up to see if he would pursue even more illicit encounters and he would go for it every single time. I only did that to prove to myself who he really was but I still couldn't break free from the love I felt for him.

Yes he is manipulating you with his charm and good sex to keep you from leaving him now that some of the truth is out to try and win you back and to make you believe he is working on earning your trust back. He will cheat again many years down the road and you will have lost precious time that could have been spent finding a better man who really would be faithful.

 

Actually no ...you have that wrong ...most betrayed spouse do not believe anything that comes out of the ws after Dday..we just want to know the truth and what and how far a ws is capable of.

 

To address some of your truth

No...the ow has never been to my home and no they have never had sex on our bed ....that I can say with 100 percent guarantee I was always home :)

 

In 12 years that I married my h has not once bern away either on business trip or on any trip without me .so that rules out lapdances /stripclubs we have never spent a single night apart ...so there you go you generalised every ws and that's not possible as every individual does things based on his or her conditioning

 

If he does decide to cheat again that's on him ...i already know he is capable so ...i can't control his actions I can only control my reactions to what he does ...but to think we are naive and gullible and believe everything is wrong opinion

 

Yes I do want to see the good in my husband ...and zeroed in on one reason and one reason alone I did wrong I want to make it right ..no blame on ow ...and I will give him the benefit of a doubt to make things right

 

Now on the other hand you the ow just based on your post

You represent everything that's wrong with a woman

 

No dignity /No boundaries and so proud of 40 minute sex marathon in car parks with married men ...hooking up at his place at hotel lobbies ..honestly you sound more like a call girl then the ow

 

Healthy relationship are not about detective work or how good you are catching him out and to test him about setting him up with people to see if he is cheating ...women he is married he is/was already cheating what more proof you wanted ...you are hurt about a man who cheats on his wife cheats on you too .

 

Get help ...get some boundaries ..some dignity perhaps and when you have a healthy leg to stand on come here and boast about everything that's wrong in being the ow ...let the ws handle their own ****

 

 

 

Ps - currently the ow is openly pursuing him and we just hired lawyers .

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purplesorrow
Interesting that some of your read this as me feeling angry. I was posting it to help some of those of you who seem to think that your husbands won't cheat again because you are ignoring the truth. Wake up and realize that by allowing them another chance you are going to be hurt again and again. If you feel it's a competition and that us OW would have been more than happy to marry him, you are sadly mistaken. Once we are safely away from exMM manipulation we realize we were the lucky ones. This post was only to help paint a picture of the truth and to prevent future heart ache for those who think everything is now better in their marriage years after an affair. These guys almost always cheat again. TRUTH!!!

 

Also us OM/OW have 100% taken responsibility for our part on this. That is one the reasons I am posting here. I am hoping others wake up and realize what they are doing and also for those BS, that they should never let their guard down. It would be foolish to do so.

If you can change and never do this again, why can't they? If you are so certain they all cheat again, are you destined to always be the ow? I hope not. People can change if they really want to. Some truly regret their affair.

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Mrs. John Adams

There is no one size fits all in any situation...folks tried to tell my husband i would cheat again...I haven't....folks tried to tell us we should divorce....no we should not have....

 

once a cheater always a cheater....once an other woman always an other woman....

 

I cannot make predictions about you....you cannot make predictions about me....and just because you had a particular experience does not mean I will have the same experience.

 

We each learn from our own experiences...make judgements and decisions based on our own personal experiences...and hope and pray that we make the right choices.

 

infidelity in any way is a destructive selfish thing....and it hurts all of those involved....

 

Betrayed spouses of course never made the choice or decision to be cheated on...so in my heart i hurt for them the most.

 

An other woman or an other man enter in most relationships with married people...knowing that they are messing with fire....they more often than not are well aware of the situation they are entering into....not always...but most of the time. They are making decisions for themselves. And the married cheaters certainly know what they are doing and are making decisions for themselves.

 

But the betrayed spouse usually has no idea of the decisions that are being made behind their backs...that will affect them the rest of their lives....

 

It is a bit unsettling to me to watch as others who get to make their own decisions...criticize and scrutenize...those who simply were not given the choice.

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pheonixrisen
Interesting that some of your read this as me feeling angry. I was posting it to help some of those of you who seem to think that your husbands won't cheat again because you are ignoring the truth. Wake up and realize that by allowing them another chance you are going to be hurt again and again. If you feel it's a competition and that us OW would have been more than happy to marry him, you are sadly mistaken. Once we are safely away from exMM manipulation we realize we were the lucky ones. This post was only to help paint a picture of the truth and to prevent future heart ache for those who think everything is now better in their marriage years after an affair. These guys almost always cheat again. TRUTH!!!

 

Also us OM/OW have 100% taken responsibility for our part on this. That is one the reasons I am posting here. I am hoping others wake up and realize what they are doing and also for those BS, that they should never let their guard down. It would be foolish to do so.

 

Again you have that wrong 5 years later the ow ...is still madly crazy in love with my h and tell him at every chance she gets....she would marry him in a second if he wanted that I have no doubt.

 

This is not a competition woman and that's the difference

You the ow has shown no remorse /No boundary /And most important no consequences to the ws action

 

We the bs the majority if not all lay down the law and the consequences for every action ...we don't tell them it's okay to do this to us ...its okay to have the ow while being marriedlike majority ow are okay with the status quo ...no not us ..in my case I told my h if she is good enough to have an affair with she should be good enough to marry ...and he is a big boy knows where the door of our home is ....he has stayed put .

 

So stop generalizing ...stop being the bs good will ambassador warning us about ws ..and start your healing so you don't end up with another mm again

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OP, do your conclusions regarding MM also apply to you? If my memory serves me correctly, weren't you married when you began the relationship with the MM. Should decent men men eliminate you as a prospective mate because of your past?

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