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Red Flags - did wife have affair


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I'm in my 40's, have been married for 12 years, together 18 and moved across the country for my wife's job a few years ago. Recently I found a bunch of lesbian porn on my wife's phone along with a dating site in and video chat page in her history. The five porn pages were open and changing on a regular basis. When I questioned her about it she denied it, denied any knowledge of it for weeks and told me I'm completely disconnected at home. I questioned her about an affair because of the dating site; she got angry and accused me of the "same thing". Then she said, "so you think I'm having an affair"? I said yes. She screamed, "I am, with women". Caught off guard by her admission I said, "when"? She responded, "never, I lied". She wouldn't say another word after that.

 

I caught her going to a lunchtime message with a women she worked with a few years back; she paid for both of them. She denied that until I showed her the bank statements.

 

Red Flags:

Watching lesbian porn, 15 pages that were new the three times I looked- admitted but said she was embarrassed.

 

Hookup site - in history said it must have been accidental

 

Porn video chat - in history said it must have been an accidental click

 

Told me I was disconnected (and I was, we both were.)

 

Told me she had affair with women.

 

Told therapist talking about sexuality is off limits

 

Hid the lunch massages - said she didn't want me to get mad about her spending our money.

 

Told her signs all point to affair - she said, "I could accuse you of the "same thing".

 

If I had to average it out: sex every 4-6weeks said she never masterbates then told me about once a month.

 

She was extremely defensive when I brought everything up said "things will never be the same with us. This was my safe place and now that's gone; I need to get out of here".

 

She claims she lied about having an affair but because she lied about the porn for 3 weeks; I'm having a hard time believing her admission was a lie.

 

Do you think she cheated?

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The porn itself doesn't mean much... And goodness knows, I go for lunch with female friends, current and former coworkers all the time. I will even pay for both lunches occasionally... To be fair, these things may not mean anything.

 

But her defensiveness, blame shifting, and lack of transparency certainly indicates that something is not good. It would certainly seem that this is a woman who has something to hide...

Edited by BaileyB
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She definitely cheated. I'm sorry. It sounds like she is ashamed that she may be a lesbian and can't even admit it to herself yet.

 

As hard as this may be, (and I don't blame you if you can't do this) it sounds like your wife needs a safe place to admit this to, at the very least being bi-sexual and you might be the person that can give her that....How does her cheating with a woman affect you vs if she had cheated with a man?

 

You should be angry that she cheated...Man or Woman. I myself would maybe be angry first at the lies, the gas lighting, and the angry defensive attitude she has. Have you given her any reason to think you may have been unfaithful?

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The porn itself doesn't mean much...

 

Yeah, if it was just the porn I wouldn't worry so much. Porn is a fantasy. I watch lesbian porn sometimes but am in no way attracted to other women. It's just different and different is a turn on to some people.

 

So again, porn isn't the problem...It's her defensiveness, unwillingness to talk about sexuality, lying and cheating that is the main problem.

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I'm LMAO, not because your situation is funny but because this is almost indentical to my situation.

 

I had been picking up red flags for a long time but justified some blew some off and flat out ignored others.

 

One night my wife and I were heated about me changing careers to spend more time at home. At one point I said well maybe you should find someone else, her response was maybe I already tried that....it was a very surreal moment, because in that second all those red flags ran across my mind and I knew without a doubt she had been unfaithful.

 

Of course like your wife, she claimed it wasn't true that she was trying to hurt me because I was hurting her. But I knew it was BS.

 

Now the problem...if she is cheating ( most likely she is) it will be super tough to catch her now.

 

I'm not suggesting this, but if I had a do over, I would have packed up and left, told her that dishonesty was a deal breaker for me and left. I didn't, I stayed and fought to get answers it was the most painful and regrettable 14 months of my life.

 

Of course I have the advantage of hindsight, just saying.

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(((Joe)))

 

Most times a spouse is suspicious, it turns out they were right. I think that's a pretty much universally accepted truth.

 

Sadly there are lots of red flags here.

 

I think it highly likely that she is a closet bisexual (maybe even lesbian). Highly likely there has been physical intimacy.

 

I could be totally wrong and I'd love it if I was, but based on being a member here for nearly two years, I highly doubt it...... I'm very sorry to say.

 

If she did turn out to have this hidden side and comes clean and tells you this, but still tells you she loves you and wants you sexually, if you believe her, could you see a way forward? Or would this be a total deal breaker. Not pleasant, but something I think you need to think about just in case it's true.

 

Good luck and please keep posting.

 

Wishing you the very best luck.

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The porn doesn't bother me at all. The lying does. It makes me feel like I'm not worthy of her trust; that kills me and makes me question everything.

 

She also had screenshots of quotes that were never sent to me like:

 

"You are being presented with a choice, evolve or remain. If you choose to remain you will be presented with the same...if you choose to evolve; out will connect to the strength within you, explore what lies outside your comfort zone, awaken to love, you will become, you will be you. Choose to evolve, choose love."

 

"If there is even a slight chance at getting something that will make you happy. Risk it. Life's to short and happiness is too rare."

 

"Always remember someone effort is a reflection of their interest in you".

 

"Spend you life with people who make even going to the grocery store an adventure." (She tells me I don't like to have fun in the grocery store - many times.)

 

"People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used."

 

"To be happy you must let go of what's gone. Be grateful for what remains and look forward to what comes next."

 

There was also one about facing a difficult decision and returning to a partner.

 

I feel like she's given me enough red flags to believe it's true. Ive read that when people lie they rehearse the same like over and over. When I questioned her about the porn and she denied it; she used the same language and phrases to deny the affair. Being Bi isn't a deal breaker for me; lying to me is.

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Hi again Joe

 

Those quotes are pretty cheesy, idealistic and frankly immature... not to say dangerous..... They very much lean towards the "grass is greener", "you only live once" type thinking. Fine for teenagers, but dangerous for older people in long-standing, committed relationship.

 

It seems like she's having a mid life crisis, trying to "find herself", worrying that she's getting older and missing out on what life has to offer. This is dangerous, but not hopeless. I think you really need to talk, tell her you feel disconnected and want to try to get it back again. Try and nip this in the bud (or did you say she's been behaving strange for a long time?) I do know from personal experience that disconnected couple can reconnect - but both have to put in the effort.

 

As for investigating possible infidelity, plenty of experts here! Many people put a VAR and/or GPS tracking device in their spouses car, a key tracker on the keyboard, get printed phone records. Have a search around - plenty of advice here. But don't let on that you are investigating - it will only make her even more careful.

 

Here's hoping you don't find anything...... Because there's nothing to find.

 

Keep posting!

Edited by jenkins95
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Let' see....exclusively watches lesbian porn. Took her worker girlfriend to a massage parlor during work hours. Told you that the lesbian stuff was her 'refuge' and that by you (a man) invading her sanctum, it was ruined, then telling you that she needed to get out of the relationship with you. Admitted to having an affair with a woman. Listen, perhaps you need to really ask yourself if staying with this woman is really what you ought to do? Is it really worth it? The more she opens up about her female attractions the less available she will be for you. Do you really want to be the husband who is in the living room late on a Saturday night, watching TV or playing with the dog while your wife is engaged in wet, noisy sex with her lesbian lover in your own bed? I know what my answer would be... sometimes if you love something, you need to set it free. And, then find a loyal woman who wouldn't dream in a million years of cheating on you with anyone.

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You could do all of the... standard detective work.

 

You will find out what is going on.

 

You could hire a PI and have her followed.

 

You will find out probably faster what is going on.

 

Here is what is going on... Whether she actually gay and you are the male equivalent of a beard, or whether she is bi and embarrassed to tell you, she is having an affair and lying about it.

 

I mean if she had come to you and said, hey I am bi and I want to get it on with a girl, what would you have said. Me??? I would have said can I watch...LOL.

 

But everything and I mean everything she is saying and doing are clear evidence that she is in an affair.

 

So you have to find out. And, what you really need to find out is if she wants to be gay and get out of the marriage. So after you discover the evidence, you have to have that talk...

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It sounds like she is working on and exploring how and why to end her marriage with you. Over the years, I have met a number if men who's wives ended up leaving them for a woman that they had developed a lesbian relationship with. It sounds like someone is trying to get her to, go all in.... Actually, you seem to be a bit more perceptive and getting more heads up warning than some of the other simular accounts I have heard about. A lot of the times, the husband finds out the day his wife leaves to go live with her new female partner....

Edited by QuietDan
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You could do all of the... standard detective work.

 

You will find out what is going on.

 

You could hire a PI and have her followed.

 

You will find out probably faster what is going on.

 

Here is what is going on... Whether she actually gay and you are the male equivalent of a beard, or whether she is bi and embarrassed to tell you, she is having an affair and lying about it.

 

I mean if she had come to you and said, hey I am bi and I want to get it on with a girl, what would you have said. Me??? I would have said can I watch...LOL.

 

But everything and I mean everything she is saying and doing are clear evidence that she is in an affair.

 

So you have to find out. And, what you really need to find out is if she wants to be gay and get out of the marriage. So after you discover the evidence, you have to have that talk...

 

 

BP, you and I are usually on the same page, we are here too however, the attitude and evidence, does he really need to KNOW / SEE it for himself. Me, with this attitude, I would simply tell her to go have her fun but as a single and move forward. Life is too short to stay and roll in the mud....so to speak.

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Superchicken

The dating sites was the clincher for me.

Her friend, indeed could be a long time date from that site..

 

 

So I agree with most here. She is having an extra marital something..

 

 

Oh, and Blues, NO NO NO, don't lie.

You would NOT watch. Your a dude, and like me, you would "JOIN".

Watch. yeahhh.. suuuure..

 

 

Ted.

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In these cases they are into each other...

 

No reason to get in the way, watching the show is another matter.

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Hi Joe, sorry to see you in this situation. I wanted to ask you whether you were having regular sex with your wife or has she cut you off for sometime now? Also, you have'nt mentioned children so I am assuming you do not have any.

 

You have been given good advice all around. The thing is what ate your boundaries or red lines and have they been breached? If so then what do you plan to do about it? Initiate separation and divorce or move the goal posts and keep accommodating her? If you don't have children and you are sure your wife has fallen out of love with you then why would you like to remain married to her. These are just some questions you need to answer for yourself. I have to say that we folks do not know the detailed state of your situation and it may not warrant an action as drastic as divorce. That is a question that you have to explore on your own and take decisions accordingly. Warm wishes.

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grassisorisntgreener

She is definitely cheating. The fact that she said things would never be the same and you ruined her "safe place" is a way for you to assume some responsibility, or to feel bad and back off of her.

 

I don't think she's a lesbian, possibly bi.. but I don't think she's leaving you for a woman. I exclusively watch lesbian porn and I'm straight..

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What's the best approach to take given I did things backwards by approaching her without enough evidence?

 

If she has discovered that she is truly bi or homosexual - would you be ok allowing her to explore that part of her? Maybe agreeing to some rules that allow her to sleep with women while you are married? I'm curious as to how you feel about these possibilities.

 

You ask "why lie about it" but, really, I think most people who discover they are bi or gay later in life lie to their spouse about it - at least at the beginning. Remember, if this is truly what she's going through she's been lying to herself for many years. Coming out to her husband has to be very difficult so maybe cut her some slack here.

 

I urge compassion. Sit down and have a frank discussion about it with her. Tell her you want to work with her to find happiness no matter how that ends up affecting your marriage. It may take a few times for her to open up but I think this kind of conversation is necessary. If either of you are in counseling I think that would be a great place for the discussion.

 

Now, if she's hooking up with a man then my advice would be quite different. In that case, assuming you are not going to tolerate her seeing other men, I would urge you to educate yourself on what we refer to as "the 180" and prepare to end the marriage. Now, a same-sex affair might end up the same way but I do give some credibility to the fact that she might have been suffering while hiding her true self.

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I don't know what more proof you need TBH.

 

Her warning the therapist not to discuss speciality.

 

The friend/the massage /the denials about paying

 

 

 

The dating sites and denials

 

Of course she's going to deny it.

 

If you're truly okay with it, then tell her that.

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What's the best approach to take given I did things backwards by approaching her without enough evidence?

 

 

Tell her you went to talk to a counselor or friend or someone - tell her the therapist told you you were crazy to mistrust her, and you realize its your own insecurities and issues. Then be care free, moderately happy, treat her nice - and be very unconcerned when she acts suspicious or anything. Dont over do it, act a little disappointed/mad in yourself but not be overly affectionate. Create multiple freedoms or times she can hang her self (go on a pretend two day business trip or something or start going out of house to go bowling or something).

 

While you are doing this.... bug the hell out of the phones, car, computer, hire a PD, do it all.

 

Sit back and collect data. When the first bits of data come in - even if they appear pretty much a smoking gun - wait - do not confront - keep collecting as much as possible - weeks worth - a month or two worth.

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Hey OP, I'm going to come at this from another angle. I am a BS who is in a recovery, feeling out process. My WW cheated on me with an ex-boyfriend she stayed in contact with throughout our marriage. Because we have 4 children, I am sticking though this for now, but I know your pain. She lied to me constantly.

 

 

My sister is bi-sexual. She confides in me and we talk allot. Her first marriage ended because of a same sex affair. However, my sister didn't want it that way. She wanted to bring her girlfriend into the marriage, but knew her husband wouldn't accept it. BEFORE you blow this up, you need to ask yourself this. ARE YOU okay with a poly-amorous relationship. She may love you very much, and may want to stay. CAN YOU forgive her if she does come clean and tells you everything. If so, you need to sit her down, and talk. My sister didn't want to leave her husband, he was the father of her kids, she loved him. That being said, she had a personal need to also be with a woman. In the end, he filed for divorce, the girlfriend bolted, and she lost both.

 

 

If you are okay with it, you need to let her know the rules and set some boundaries. Safe sex in same sex relationships is hard, and some just give up. So you need to make sure she knows what you will accept.

 

 

Sitting down, and really talking about this, is the first critical step. She is afraid of telling you because she doesn't know what you will do. So you will need to start off the conversation.

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Superchicken

You all don't see the forest thought the trees !.

She's cheating.

 

 

She lied !.

She hid her affair !.

She manipulated him !.

She had SEX with ANOTHER PERSON(S) !.

She put his health at risk !.

She was selfish !.

 

 

And now, she's being a bitch about it.

Why the hell, would you want to be OK with it.

 

 

Man, its amazing what your asking to settle for in order to live like a dog !.

 

 

I didn't read anything about sharing my wife in the marriage certificate.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

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