Finally a good vacation

[aileD]

So we camp the second week of July every year at a lake in Another state. We have been going every year since the kids were little. We have always looked forward to it and have all our little traditions.

 

Affair was found out April 2015....our July trip that year was hard. We were "together" but he was still in the affair. OW sent me a text while we were there saying she was sorry for intruding in our life and she would leave us alone (which I now think was planned to make me believe she was out of his life when she wasn't). I showed hubby, and he spent the rest of the time that week texting her but ....at the same time we were doing the hysterical bonding sex thing...so it was a weird vacation. The kids didn't know at that point and I remember spending every moment thinking "this is the last time we will be here together as a family"

 

July 2016 he was still in the affair (it ended aug late aug 2016). But he still planned to come camping. We packed his truck and my car full of all the stuff we needed. More stuff in his truck because kids has two friends with them and driving with me this year. He ended up not coming home two days before camping and was with her. I went, he was supposed to come the next day and he didn't. I'm frantically calling because he has most of the stuff in his truck. apparently i piss him off and he turns around and ends up coming the next day. I take the kids out to eat and do activities alone because we have no grill or kayaks because it's all with him. He shows up the next day, the kids are pissed at him, I'm pissed at him. He sleeps in his truck in the parking lot every night and spends the time disappearing here and there to go talk on his phone. Claims he's working it out. We go off one day to talk and we talk about divorce and we talk about how he feels about the OW (both that he is addicted to her and also that he knows it would never work in real life and he's trying to get out of it)...he claims that he came here hoping this would be the turning point and he'd have a nice time but I ruined it by bitching at him on the way down and it seems like every time he's drawn my way, I do something to make him think different. I spend the whole time alternating between crying and ignoring him and overcompensating on activities for the kids. I think "this is the last time we will be here together as a family"

 

This year we are here now. It's different. I'm happy. He's happy He's not glued to his phone, she isn't involved at all in our lives. We sneak off for adult time when we can, our daughter is kind of talking to him without an attitude, we went for a walk this morning...well I walked and he jogged them walked back with me...said he was happy I came with him, We held hands. We joke around. We are happy as a family here together and it's nice. I am triggered by certain things but trying not let it kill my mood. I just keep thinking "for the last two years I've thought it would be our last year here together as a family. And I'm so glad it wasn't"

[jenkins95]

So we camp the second week of July every year at a lake in Another state. We have been going every year since the kids were little. We have always looked forward to it and have all our little traditions.

 

Affair was found out April 2015....our July trip that year was hard. We were "together" but he was still in the affair. OW sent me a text while we were there saying she was sorry for intruding in our life and she would leave us alone (which I now think was planned to make me believe she was out of his life when she wasn't). I showed hubby, and he spent the rest of the time that week texting her but ....at the same time we were doing the hysterical bonding sex thing...so it was a weird vacation. The kids didn't know at that point and I remember spending every moment thinking "this is the last time we will be here together as a family"

 

July 2016 he was still in the affair (it ended aug late aug 2016). But he still planned to come camping. We packed his truck and my car full of all the stuff we needed. More stuff in his truck because kids has two friends with them and driving with me this year. He ended up not coming home two days before camping and was with her. I went, he was supposed to come the next day and he didn't. I'm frantically calling because he has most of the stuff in his truck. apparently i piss him off and he turns around and ends up coming the next day. I take the kids out to eat and do activities alone because we have no grill or kayaks because it's all with him. He shows up the next day, the kids are pissed at him, I'm pissed at him. He sleeps in his truck in the parking lot every night and spends the time disappearing here and there to go talk on his phone. Claims he's working it out. We go off one day to talk and we talk about divorce and we talk about how he feels about the OW (both that he is addicted to her and also that he knows it would never work in real life and he's trying to get out of it)...he claims that he came here hoping this would be the turning point and he'd have a nice time but I ruined it by bitching at him on the way down and it seems like every time he's drawn my way, I do something to make him think different. I spend the whole time alternating between crying and ignoring him and overcompensating on activities for the kids. I think "this is the last time we will be here together as a family"

 

This year we are here now. It's different. I'm happy. He's happy He's not glued to his phone, she isn't involved at all in our lives. We sneak off for adult time when we can, our daughter is kind of talking to him without an attitude, we went for a walk this morning...well I walked and he jogged them walked back with me...said he was happy I came with him, We held hands. We joke around. We are happy as a family here together and it's nice. I am triggered by certain things but trying not let it kill my mood. I just keep thinking "for the last two years I've thought it would be our last year here together as a family. And I'm so glad it wasn't"

 

Wonderful update (((aileD))). I'm honoured to be the first to congratulate you on this thread.

 

You've been to hell and back and he is EXTREMELY lucky that you are still there by his side. You are amazing and a true inspiration and beacon of hope for those of us whose lives have been devastated by affairs and are trying to reinvest in our marriage. I actually remember your posts from your camping trip last year. And wow! What a difference. Great to read

 

This trip has now become symbolic in your marriage and there's no reason why it shouldn't keep getting better and better each year. It also sounds like so much fun with all the activities you get up to. You have a great family who are so lucky to have a mother like you who does everything you can to give then a fun filled happy life.

 

How lovely to start the day wrth a great, hope filled post like this!

 

Wish you all the very best aileD.

[BaileyB]

I'm very glad. Enjoy your holiday with your family.

[l8estnews]

I will never know how you were able to stick around knowing that your hubby had another woman. I mean, gosh, it will take a brave and strong soul to achieve that. If I were in your shoes, I would've dumped him right then and there.

 

But I am happy everything worked out for you ;)

[mercy]

I am triggered by certain things but trying not let it kill my mood. I just keep thinking "for the last two years I've thought it would be our last year here together as a family. And I'm so glad it wasn't"

 

Me too, aileD, me too!

 

About those triggers. Don't punish yourself with them. Sometimes we feel like we deserve the pain but that's a lie. The truth is right in front of you. Your family, just love and be loved. Have a great time! H and I love to camp even if we just go for the night.

 

And Jenkins, I'm telling the mods you didn't let ladies go first. You're in trouble!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Glad you have a great time

[BluesPower]

Yes wonderful update...

 

I actually have some questions.

 

So did all the shady things the were going on a few months back end up being nothing.

 

And you are sure that he is in no contact.

 

And I always wanted to say to you that your strength and patients with him is something that I never thought would work. How you did it I will never know.

 

I know that I hung around too long trying to fix my wife before I divorced her. I thought you were doing the same thing.

 

Does he even begin to understand how lucky he is to have a woman like you? I wonder.

 

Congratulations to you and the way that you handled everything with this...

[understand50]

Good luck and hope things keep going well.

[Ahurtgirl]

I really hope things keep going well for you. I have seen too many husbands reconcile with their wives and what happens is the wife ends up wasting what's left of her youth on a man that eventually cheats on her again with a new affair partner many years later. He seems to have earned your trust back for now but please never let your guard down again. Give it ten years when he is once again getting close to another new decade (39, 49, 59) and sadly, there is a good chance he will find yet another woman to cheat on you with. Statistics don't lie and too many woman allow their husband's back into their lives believing their spouse has changed once the affair is over but like the saying goes, "A leopard doesn't change it's spots," and there is proven truth to "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Stay on guard ALWAYS.

[jenkins95]

Me too, aileD, me too!

 

About those triggers. Don't punish yourself with them. Sometimes we feel like we deserve the pain but that's a lie. The truth is right in front of you. Your family, just love and be loved. Have a great time! H and I love to camp even if we just go for the night.

 

And Jenkins, I'm telling the mods you didn't let ladies go first. You're in trouble!

Fair enough mercy - and let's face it, it wouldn't be the first time I've been in trouble over a woman

 

Lovely post mercy!

 

As for the negative comments. Well, while you have very valid points, I think aileD is well aware of these issues and concerns and is still discussng them elsewhere and on other threads. But the theme of this thread is celebration, so let's not put too much of a downer on it....and try to enjoy the party!

 

Just my 0:02!

 

Good luck to you all!

Edited July 12, 2017 by jenkins95

[BTDT2012]

aileD, hope that things continue to go well for you.

[aileD]

Yes wonderful update...

 

I actually have some questions.

 

So did all the shady things the were going on a few months back end up being nothing. he was talking to her on the phone at work, so it wasn't nothing. But it was platonice---which I called bulk**** on because there is NO platonice with an ex AP. Even though they weren't technically doing anything it was still somethingbhw shouldn't have been doing. We had the conversation, talked it out in therapy, he told her it's no longer a good idea to keep in touch because it is detrimental to recovery and I have access and confirmation they no longer talk.

 

And you are sure that he is in no contact. Yes. And I can see a change in him too. Spiritually and in his attitude. He agreed that just being in touch with her internally changed his attitude during the week and he was much happier on weekends

 

And I always wanted to say to you that your strength and patients with him is something that I never thought would work. How you did it I will never know. Thank you. God helped me a lot

 

I know that I hung around too long trying to fix my wife before I divorced her. I thought you were doing the same thing. Maybe. But I'm not trying to fix him. He's finally doing the work to fix himself and dealing with his childhood trauma ...I couldn't be with him if he wasn't doing that part

 

Does he even begin to understand how lucky he is to have a woman like you? I wonder. I hope. Sometimes he sees it And really realizes it . This week away has been nice

 

Congratulations to you and the way that you handled everything with this...

 

Thanks!!! I appreciate it

[aileD]

I will never know how you were able to stick around knowing that your hubby had another woman. I mean, gosh, it will take a brave and strong soul to achieve that. If I were in your shoes, I would've dumped him right then and there.

 

But I am happy everything worked out for you ;)

 

Can't tell if this is an insult to my decision to stay in my marriage m and then sarcasm or what but I'll chose to think you truly mean this and say thank you

[aileD]

I really hope things keep going well for you. I have seen too many husbands reconcile with their wives and what happens is the wife ends up wasting what's left of her youth on a man that eventually cheats on her again with a new affair partner many years later. He seems to have earned your trust back for now but please never let your guard down again. Give it ten years when he is once again getting close to another new decade (39, 49, 59) and sadly, there is a good chance he will find yet another woman to cheat on you with. Statistics don't lie and too many woman allow their husband's back into their lives believing their spouse has changed once the affair is over but like the saying goes, "A leopard doesn't change it's spots," and there is proven truth to "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Stay on guard ALWAYS.

 

First he has not earned my trust back. It's too soon for that .

 

Second, I understand you are hurt by your situation. There are men who cheat because they have stagnant marriage, there are men who cheat because they are selfish and can't say no to sex, there are men who think they want out of a marriage so they fall in love with someone else......and then there are the sadistic mother f*kers who don't care who they hurt as long as they're getting their d*ck wet.....and unfortunatly that's who you picked as an MM. Not all are as cruel as yours. I do feel bad for you.

 

All cheaters do not repeat. Will mine? Who knows. I hope not, if so I have some big decisions on my hands. But it's fair to say that the ones that do cheat again are the ones that didn't solve or work through the problems that got them to that place to begin with. And that's not my husband. He wants to understand why he cheated, and fix himself and we also are committed to fixing our marriage so that we don't fall into this same situation again. I don't feel that I am wasting my time or my life. I have 25 years with this man and if I didn't try as hard as I am then THAT would be a waste of 25 years to me.

 

I hope that you can find the time to heal and not be so bitter and also see that not all men are the complete mindfuc* that your X MM is. I also hope you see that there is something off with YOU that you need to work on, so that you don't get into this unhealthy situation again. You don't seem to have taken any responsibility for your actions and your part in this mess and that's a problem. My husband owns his part and I own my part--that's clear to us.

 

You got duped but honestly, there were a million red flags you missed and you should explore why that is. What made you want to be wanted so badly that you missed those flags? That you thought a married man giving you a ring was special? Yes he's a jerk but it wasn't all him. I'm not being mean I just truly hope you get therapy and work on yourself so you never allow someone like this into your life again because you're desperate to be loved.

 

One more thing and I may be wrong. But your recent posts to Bws about their husbands doesn't come off as loving advice. It screams "you should dump your man because he really loves the OW and not you and he's just trapped with you so you should let the OW have him" ----because I suspect that's what you wish your MM felt and did in your situation .

 

I do wish you the best. I truly do

[grassisorisntgreener]

I am so very happy for you <3

[Joie]

What a wonderful update. I am really happy for you!

 

I think it also shows that even when APs think that they are not taking time from the "family" they actually are. All those stolen moments on the phone are moments that should be with the family.

 

I remember how shocked my husband was to find he had time to participate in our family once he put the stupid phone down.

[wmacbride]

I am so glad you are having a great time.

 

One of the things that can happen after an A that people don't often talk about is how you have to almost relearn how to be with one another. It sound like you and your spouse are "taking lemons and turning them into lemonade" by having fun discovering these for yourselves.

 

Hopefully, it will just keep on getting better for you two. you two have a whole lifetime of great memories ahead.

[wmacbride]

I really hope things keep going well for you. I have seen too many husbands reconcile with their wives and what happens is the wife ends up wasting what's left of her youth on a man that eventually cheats on her again with a new affair partner many years later. He seems to have earned your trust back for now but please never let your guard down again. Give it ten years when he is once again getting close to another new decade (39, 49, 59) and sadly, there is a good chance he will find yet another woman to cheat on you with. Statistics don't lie and too many woman allow their husband's back into their lives believing their spouse has changed once the affair is over but like the saying goes, "A leopard doesn't change it's spots," and there is proven truth to "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Stay on guard ALWAYS.

 

I know you're in pain, but these sweeping statements aren't accurate. I do hope you can start to heal, as it sounds like your heart has been smashed to bits.

 

It will get better for you, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

[cocorico]

I really hope things keep going well for you. I have seen too many husbands reconcile with their wives and what happens is the wife ends up wasting what's left of her youth on a man that eventually cheats on her again with a new affair partner many years later. He seems to have earned your trust back for now but please never let your guard down again. Give it ten years when he is once again getting close to another new decade (39, 49, 59) and sadly, there is a good chance he will find yet another woman to cheat on you with. Statistics don't lie and too many woman allow their husband's back into their lives believing their spouse has changed once the affair is over but like the saying goes, "A leopard doesn't change it's spots," and there is proven truth to "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Stay on guard ALWAYS.

 

I think Ailed is well aware of this, since her H had a previous A too. It's a risk she took before that didn't go well, so if she's giving him another chance, she knows the score and must have seen enough effort to be willing to take that risk yet again. I'm sure it's a risk she confronts daily, without needing more reminders.

 

Thing is, when any of us choose to be with someone who once "cheated", as you term it, we know they have shown themselves capable of doing so. It really isn't something we need others to point out to us all the time. And that's the same for fAPs now together, as for reconciling couples. We make a choice, and we make it knowing the risks. We know there will be doubters and naysayers, and we know there are The Scary Stats Everyone Loves To Cite, but we choose to do so anyway, usually because of love but sometimes for other reasons too. But it's a conscious choice, and an informed choice, and one we spend a good deal of time working at as couples. Because we all know - the former "cheater", the one they "cheated" on or with - that this possibility lurks as a possibility, like rocks in a murky ocean, and so we work at the R, holding ourselves and our partners to account, and we make sure the R is as robust and healthy as it can be. And while we don't live in constant fear, we know better than to become complacent, and we trust, but we're not smug or naive.

 

And, I believe, because we know the risks, we are less likely than the naive "it'll never happen to me" types who get together, starry eyed, living in a bubble of hope until it all crashes down around their ears. Because everyone who "cheats" once upon a time had no history of "cheating", nothing to say they were any more at risk than the next person... while those who've been there know they're dwelling in grace, and know all to well the risks of slipping up.

 

Yes, some people who "cheat" go on to reoffend. Many others do not. I've seen both, and I'm a believer in nuance, not absolutes. It's a chance I'm prepared to take - and, I'm guessing it's a chance you'd have been prepared to take too, if you'd landed up with your xMM - so why not let Ailed take that chance, too? If it all goes to **** for any of us, you can be the first to say "I told you so".