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I'm having an emotional affair


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Hi everyone, I know what I'm about to say will upset some people but I really need someone to talk to and I'm afraid it's going to be a long post...

 

I have been married for 18 years to a Greek man and live on a Greek island. Life has been Ok but my marriage hasn't. We have two children and basically I have brought them up on my own. Any birthday, social events I've had to organise on my own or attend on my own with my children. He's not a bad man at all, just has different beliefs about family life. For the past 8 years or so he hasn't paid me any attention unless he wanted to have sex so consequently my self confidence took a huge dive and I felt like I had no value as a person. I tried to talk to him and he would change for a couple of days, but then go back to the same.

 

I thought about committing suicide on a daily basis for about 2 years and turned to food for comfort. The only reason I didn't go ahead with suicide are my family. I finally found the money to go to counselling, lost weight and started to feel better about myself. Then in April this year I was sent to a different Greek island for a training course for the company I work for. We were staff from all over Greece and one of my colleagues, whom I have met on a couple of occasions, paid me a load of attention and sparks began to fly. I couldn't believe that someone found me attractive and he said that he had felt the attraction from the first time he met me- of which I was oblivious.

 

We talked about our spouses and he said that he was happily married but felt I was his soul mate. We ended up having a kiss - nothing else - on the last night and have been messaging ever since. We also talk for about an hour every day about everything under the sun and also quite intimately about our feelings for each other. Since this has started I have told my husband that he needs to change the way he treats me, otherwise I will leave, and for the last 6 weeks he has been amazing, a completely different person.

 

So what do I do now? This man has given me a new lease of life and a sense of self confidence that I haven't had for years. Everyone has commented on how lovely it is to see me happy again and I'm really scared that if I stop contact with him, I'll fall back into depression and I can't go through that again.

 

We live on different sides of Greece so the only time we would ever meet would be on a training course which happens every 3-4 years, and I would make sure that no physical contact happened as I know that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from going all the way. We have said that neither of us wants to leave our current spouses, I couldn't put my children through it, nor he his wife, but we said that maybe in 10 years time when my children have left home, we will reconsider. Am I wrong to keep talking to him? I really don't know what to do.

 

Thank you for listening.x

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stillafool

Of course you are wrong to continue talking to him. You are having an affair and that is wrong. If you both feel you are each others true soul mate, confess it to your spouses, divorce and be together. It doesn't make sense that you have found your soul mate but still want to stay married to someone else you no longer love. Set your spouse free to find their soul mate as well.

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Affairs are thrilling , exciting and ego boosting.

 

Are you prepared to deal with shame, insult, humiliation, anger, hate, disgust ,repulsion from your husband and children , once this affair comes out ( believe me when I say that it will ).

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whichwayisup
Everyone has commented on how lovely it is to see me happy again and I'm really scared that if I stop contact with him, I'll fall back into depression and I can't go through that again.

 

Your happiness shouldn't be based on this other married guy. That's a false sense of security. Sure he adds brightness into your life but he can't be the reason why you're much happier because when your A blows up in your face and he does disappear you will hit rock bottom. Don't rely on others to make you feel totally happy. People enrich your life but to put your own happiness on them is a huge unrealistic expectation.

 

Have you considered divorcing your husband?

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hes going to bed you as soon as he can with great aggressiveness. then he will decide if he wants to keep you as his mistress or hit it and quit it

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harrybrown

you are addicted to him now.

 

you will not be able to keep this from escalating.

 

How can you have time for your children, when all of your energy is in your affair?

 

How do you know that he does not have other "soulmates" that he is cheating on his wife with besides you?

 

your soulmate is so wonderful, he is cheating on his wife.

 

He has bragged to his friends about you and how you are eating out of the palm of his hand.

 

He wants sex with you, his wife and any other that he can fool.

 

Your soulmate is not the only player out there.

 

 

since you think about him all the time, you have built a wall of secrecy from your kids and your H.

 

He is cheating on his wife. You are cheating on your H. Nothing good or special about your relationship. Just cheating, lying and deceiving.

 

Fix this. tell his wife that you want to marry her husband. That you are having an A with your soulmate, her husband.

 

And you tell your H to treat you better. How about you treat your H better.

 

Tell him about your wonderful A. How you put so much energy into your A than you do your family and your marriage?

 

I think maybe at one time you loved your H. But you do not love him now.

 

Tell him the truth. leave your family and go be happy living with your soulmate and his wife.

 

File for D and walk away with your wonderful cheating soulmate.

 

hope you realize how much pain you are giving your H. He deserves better, but you are selfish. You have rewritten your view of the marriage.

 

Your H deserves the truth from you. Your children deserve better from you.

You should not be making demands on your H to be better.

 

You should be making demands on yourself to be better.

 

You can not beat the addiction without help.

 

Tell your H about your A. How would you like all his attention on another woman? Kissing her and talking to her all the time?

 

Set your family free. Tell them and walk away from your family.

 

Go to your wonderful " soulmate." You will not mind if he cheats on you because you are soulmates? So is his wife his soulmate and his other affair partners. You are not the only one. your soulmate would not lie to you.

 

he will only lie to his wife.

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First, let me say I am sorry that you have felt so low and entertained the idea of suicide. A lonely marriage with a neglectful spouse is a crushing, painful life, and that should NEVER be skipped over or minimized. Period.

 

Sympathy aside, your coping method - to have an affair - is the wrong choice. You know it is wrong, which is why you are posting here. In mnany ways you have made your pain worse because you are now attached and addicted to these choices you KNOW are wrong.

 

The first thing you should do is end this affair. I know it is scary because you see him as your emotional lifeline. But it is wrong for both of you. I would suggest going back to counseling. You got yourself back together, lost weight, and got better with counseling before - WITHOUT an affair. You can do that again.

 

I do think you should tell your husband about this. I know not everyone will agree. Know that unless he is different from most, once he finds out you have had an emotional affair with a kiss, none of your complaints or loneliness in the marriage will seem valid. That is unfortunately just how it works. That is one of the things about an affair that people don't consider. Any legitimate complaint or hurt they had in the marriage goes out the window when they choose to cheat.

 

Work on yourself. Be honest and transparent. Even if he leaves, you will be able to regain your own character. And if he was as neglectful as you say, you were basically a single parent anyway. Living with integrity and without a huge secret looming is much better than hiding this and/or doing it again.

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Thank you all for your comments, good and bad. I know in my heart that what I am doing is wrong, I just need to find the courage to stop and believe in myself. I guess I was hoping that there would be someone out there to support me as I go through with ending it as don't think I'm strong enough to do it on my own.

Harrybrown - you were quite harsh, I'm guessing you've never been mentally abused and you don't know how much time I spend with my family, so please don't make assumptions. I have spent the last 14 years with my children all day, looking after them, playing with them, cooking for them, then for 6 months,7 days a week, I worked in a restaurant from 5pm - 1am to make money to provide for them. I now have a different job but spend on average 1 -2 hours a day with them talking, walking the dog, playing games - whatever they want, as well as still looking after the house. My husband, on the other hand is out all day and when he gets home shouts at us if we disturb him. So although I agree with a lot of the things you said, I am not a bad mother and have ALWAYS made time for my children. There is no way I would walk away from them.

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Thank you so much for your honest and kind words. I hadn't thought about counselling but that makes complete sense and will give me the support to do the right thing. I can't however tell my husband about the affair, for the same reasons I couldn't tell him about my depression, as he would use it against me and hurt the kids in the process. As it was only one kiss would it be worth all that hurt? There's no way my EA would be on the same island as us, so the only way my husband would find out is if I told him.

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whichwayisup
Thank you so much for your honest and kind words. I hadn't thought about counselling but that makes complete sense and will give me the support to do the right thing. I can't however tell my husband about the affair, for the same reasons I couldn't tell him about my depression, as he would use it against me and hurt the kids in the process. As it was only one kiss would it be worth all that hurt? There's no way my EA would be on the same island as us, so the only way my husband would find out is if I told him.

 

Forget this other guy, focus on separating or divorcing your husband. You two can co parent apart and have a good parenting relationship as mom and dad.

 

Why would your husband use your depression against you? Wouldn't he want to get you the help you need?

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Michelle ma Belle

Is this really the life you envisioned for yourself? To be a mistress to another woman's husband while married with children yourself?

 

I don't think so.

 

The comment about possibly reconsidering leaving your respective spouses in 10 years and being together is beyond disturbing. Do you really want to continue playing this charade for 10 more years?!?!

 

You're desperate to escape your miserable situation despite putting on a brave face for your children and therefore have hung all your hopes and dreams onto this one man who has openly admitted that he is 'happily married'. That is problematic on so many levels.

 

If you're not ready nor willing to leave your husband and don't think you can live out the rest of your marriage without clinging to this man or another man who showers you with the attention you're desperately seeking, you MUST seek professional help. It's as simple as that.

 

You will not be able to do this on your own without diving head first into another depressive episode, only this time it has the potential to be even worse knowing what you've given up by choosing to settle with your husband. Please seek professional help. It's the best gift you can give yourself and your children.

 

Good luck.

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We talked about our spouses and he said that he was happily married but felt I was his soul mate. We ended up having a kiss - nothing else - on the last night and have been messaging ever since. We also talk for about an hour every day about everything under the sun and also quite intimately about our feelings for each other. Since this has started I have told my husband that he needs to change the way he treats me, otherwise I will leave, and for the last 6 weeks he has been amazing, a completely different person.

So when you actually communicate your feelings with your husband, his response "has been amazing, a completely different person". Rather than be happy about this, you are upset that your excuse for cheating is now gone, and refuse to give up your emotional affair (EA) partner. This shows that like all cheaters your were just looking to blame shift your EA on to your spouse instead of working on your marriage, and when your husband does not cooperate because he actually is a good spouse that lives you, you plan to cheat anyway. Sorry but you are not a special snowflake, you are just a standard cheater following the cheaters script. Your next step will be to reinvent history to make your husband look worse than he is so that you can continue your affair without feeling guilty. The sick part is you plan to leave your husband after you finish using him over the next 10 years.
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Thank you all for your comments, good and bad. I know in my heart that what I am doing is wrong, I just need to find the courage to stop and believe in myself. I guess I was hoping that there would be someone out there to support me as I go through with ending it as don't think I'm strong enough to do it on my own.

Harrybrown - you were quite harsh, I'm guessing you've never been mentally abused and you don't know how much time I spend with my family, so please don't make assumptions. I have spent the last 14 years with my children all day, looking after them, playing with them, cooking for them, then for 6 months,7 days a week, I worked in a restaurant from 5pm - 1am to make money to provide for them. I now have a different job but spend on average 1 -2 hours a day with them talking, walking the dog, playing games - whatever they want, as well as still looking after the house. My husband, on the other hand is out all day and when he gets home shouts at us if we disturb him. So although I agree with a lot of the things you said, I am not a bad mother and have ALWAYS made time for my children. There is no way I would walk away from them.

 

 

Being a BH is being abused.

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I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in such a sad and lonely place.

 

I would suggest, the first thing you must do is make a decision about your marriage. Obviously, you have some significant, longstanding issues in your marriage. You need to decide if you plan to stay or divorce your husband.

 

And know this - you must never rely on a man for your happiness or emotional support. Especially, a married man who is pursuing his own selfish interests and does not have your best interest at heart. That is a very false sense of security. What he has done is very typical - he has identified a lonely and vulnerable woman and then said and done exactly what he has had to get you to believe that you want and need him. It's textbook, according to the married man handbook.

 

The truth is, you are a mother and you are much stronger than you give yourself credit. Only YOU are responsible for your life. Do you really want to be "this woman?" The kind of woman who has an affair and disgraces and disappoints your children and your family? If he was to separate from his wife, do you really want to be the woman who broke up another family? I don't think so.

 

Live with integrity. Find a counsellor or a friend who can help you to be strong through a divorce, if that's what you decide to do. When your divorce is final and you are ready to find someone new, trust that you will find a good and honest man who will treat you well. But forget this married man, he is not available for a relationship and he's not trustworthy, even assuming that he was not married.

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Last night I contacted my counsellor and made an appointment to see her. Unfortunately the earliest slot is in 10 days so until then things are going to be hard. You've all made me see that I've used him as a lifeline and believed that what we are doing isn't wrong as we are miles apart with a very low chance of ever meeting up again.

 

My parents have known that my marriage is bad for years and have said on quite a few occasions that they were worried about me, but they understand that I am staying with my H for the kids. I can't leave him until the kids are grown up as I have nowhere to go, apart from back to my parents in the UK but my kids have a good life in Greece and are happy here, so that isn't an option. I don't have enough money to be able to live separately from my husband, and even if I did his family would make things hard for me, which again, would make things hard for my kids.

 

So, I need to go back to my original plan of waiting out this marriage until my kids are grown up and settled in their own lives. If some of you want to see that as me using him, that's your prerogative, but at least try to understand that for the last 17 years he has used me just for sex, looking after the house and whatever he wants as he knows I am trapped here.

 

Whatever his intentions are, my EA has given me hope that maybe, somewhere down the line, I'll find happiness again. I am going to call him later on today and end things. If what we think we have is real, then I'm sure fate will step in and we'll meet up when, and if, both of us are single. But not before then. Am in floods of tears right now, and yes, disgusted with myself for letting things get out of hand and just hope that my family and his wife never find out so are spared any pain.

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Last night I contacted my counsellor and made an appointment to see her. Unfortunately the earliest slot is in 10 days so until then things are going to be hard. You've all made me see that I've used him as a lifeline and believed that what we are doing isn't wrong as we are miles apart with a very low chance of ever meeting up again.

 

My parents have known that my marriage is bad for years and have said on quite a few occasions that they were worried about me, but they understand that I am staying with my H for the kids. I can't leave him until the kids are grown up as I have nowhere to go, apart from back to my parents in the UK but my kids have a good life in Greece and are happy here, so that isn't an option. I don't have enough money to be able to live separately from my husband, and even if I did his family would make things hard for me, which again, would make things hard for my kids.

 

So, I need to go back to my original plan of waiting out this marriage until my kids are grown up and settled in their own lives. If some of you want to see that as me using him, that's your prerogative, but at least try to understand that for the last 17 years he has used me just for sex, looking after the house and whatever he wants as he knows I am trapped here.

 

Whatever his intentions are, my EA has given me hope that maybe, somewhere down the line, I'll find happiness again. I am going to call him later on today and end things. If what we think we have is real, then I'm sure fate will step in and we'll meet up when, and if, both of us are single. But not before then. Am in floods of tears right now, and yes, disgusted with myself for letting things get out of hand and just hope that my family and his wife never find out so are spared any pain.

 

You are clearly not using your husband. If anything, you are the one who has suffered. I'm so sorry. Staying for the kids is the hard thing to do and I'm not sure that I would be able to do it. But, if you feel that is what you need to do... I hope you find some support from your counsellor and from your family. You will need it. You are however, doing the right thing about the other man. Take care.

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You say that this man has given you self confidence and you're afraid that if you end it you will go back to being unhappy and depressed. If your new self confidence is dependent on keeping this man in your life then you don't really have self confidence. Self confidence comes from the self not from another person. As long as you believe that your happiness and confidence depends on another person you will always be vulnerable to being deeply unhappy.

 

Now you say you're going to stick to your original plan of just waiting out your marriage until the kids are grown. Why is that the only option? Earlier you said that you told your husband you would leave him and since then he has been amazing. This indicates that perhaps your marriage can become good if you keep asserting yourself and holding your husband to a higher standard. So why not focus on making your marriage better instead of deciding that you're just going to be miserable for the next ten years? Good grief! That kind of thinking would make me depressed too. If you know you're not going to leave then you have to stop thinking negatively about your husband and instead look for the positives and build on those. Keep letting your husband know there has to be changes, keep holding him accountable for how he treats you and the marriage. If you know you're staying for at least 10 years then make it the best 10 yrs it can be.

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So, I need to go back to my original plan of waiting out this marriage until my kids are grown up and settled in their own lives. If some of you want to see that as me using him, that's your prerogative, but at least try to understand that for the last 17 years he has used me just for sex, looking after the house and whatever he wants as he knows I am trapped here.
You say that you "need to go back to my original plan of waiting out this marriage until my kids are grown up", and that your husband used you because he knows that you are "trapped", yet earlier you contradicted this when you told us that when you told your husband that you were unhappy, he positively responded and "has been amazing, a completely different person". This shows that your husband cares enough about you to try change, rather than to ignore you because he knows that you are trapped. Your affair fog has blocked out a very real other option to happiness that does not include the other man. Working on your marriage with your husband.
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somanymistakes

 

My parents have known that my marriage is bad for years and have said on quite a few occasions that they were worried about me, but they understand that I am staying with my H for the kids. I can't leave him until the kids are grown up as I have nowhere to go, apart from back to my parents in the UK but my kids have a good life in Greece and are happy here, so that isn't an option. I don't have enough money to be able to live separately from my husband, and even if I did his family would make things hard for me, which again, would make things hard for my kids.

 

So, I need to go back to my original plan of waiting out this marriage until my kids are grown up and settled in their own lives.

 

No. You need to make a new plan.

 

Look, your marriage is messed-up. I believe you. I am not going to accuse you of rewriting the past or blame-shifting or anything like that. Your marriage has been bad for you, it has hurt you, and you need change in your life.

 

But attaching everything to this other man is not a good way to reach that change.

 

While I am not infallible, the signs from the story you've told us so far indicate that your MM does not love you. You barely knew each other. You were away from home on a work trip. You were (and still are) extremely emotionally vulnerable and desperate for attention. He gave you attention. You were both flattered and enjoyed the thrill. That's pretty much where it ends, for him. You may see each other again, very rarely, or you may not. You might kiss again. You might fall into bed with him. Or maybe not - he is more interested in being flattered by your attention than getting free sex. Most likely, there are other women he's chatted up on vacations so that he can enjoy feeling desirable. He has no interest in leaving his wife, he likes his life the way it is.

 

If you attach all your hopes and dreams to this man, you will be crushed when your perfect fantasy dissolves. Your depression will become worse. You will think "no one will ever love me, they only want to use me!" You will feel even more trapped in your marriage. You will be at risk of something really bad happening to you. Nobody here wants that to happen.

 

Look, there is a positive side to the encounter you've had. You now have proof that it IS possible for other people in the world to enjoy your company and flirt with you. Maybe this time wasn't serious but you weren't really very serious either, you weren't actively looking, you're married. Imagine how many more possibilities you could have if you were REALLY looking?

 

You need a new plan for your life. That doesn't mean you have to divorce your husband tonight and walk out. But you DO need to think about exit plans. You say you have nowhere to go. Well, what would you do if your husband suddenly THREW you out? It could happen. You need to make plans that give you more options, not just try to sit tight for ten years and hope for the best.

 

Make connections, build skills, give yourself avenues where you could be okay if you did someday have to set out on your own. Don't just sit around being helpless! You are NOT helpless. PLAN.

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somanymistakes

also to add - just because you give yourself options doesn't mean you have to use them. you can make yourself secure and then decide to stay in your marriage and work on it. in some ways you may find that easier, because when you know in your heart that you have options that can make it easier to push your husband to pay attention to you, to work together to find change and happiness, rather than feeling like you have to shut up and take it.

 

strengthening yourself may help you open communication and make your life better.

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Ofcourse your wrong in many ways first thing your problem is you and your communication with your spouse you said he's not a bad man and he treats you good for last few weeks when you said he needs to change your problem is communication and your husband has different view of marriage ok but if you communicated your problem in a better way he would have changed his ways before a long time I guess ,then what if your husband found about your affair what do you think would possibly happen think before you do something if you want to leave do it now don't waste both yours and your husband time and life and for the OM atleast you have some self issues and other marital problems but him if he can cheat his wife being happily married what his values and worth in life and you have plans to leave your husband for him and don't think you can control physical aspect of an affair you already involved yourself emotionally with him it would just take a moment to change into a full blown physical affair,by now your husband started changing take it from there and work on your marriage before thinks get complicated.

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Indeed. Even if you decide to stay, you need to start working on an exit plan. Save some money, think about where you will live, find some support... You simply must develop a plan.

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I am overwhelmed by the support you have all given me, thank you. I finished it with the OM and we will only have contact professionally, if needs be. He was upset but very understanding. I've made my plan and that is to have one last try at making things work with my husband. I know it's not going to be the type of relationship I yearn for but it can hopefully be a good one, and one that keeps my kids happy which is the most important thing for me. I'm going to start doing some thing for myself, find a new hobby, something I enjoy and makes me happy so that even if my marriage doesn't get better, I'll be able to get through the coming years until my kids are grown up. Thank you all again.:)

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@avrajack I think you have made a good plan and I wish you all the best for the future. Stay strong and remember you are worthy of true love. I hope your marriage gets better and you find much more happiness with your family.

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