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Any hope for [this] serial cheater?


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What helps a serial cheater to stop cheating? A person that's unhappy with their spouse, but unable to leave. They were in love with their spouse, but they got hurt badly by them and don't feel the same way now. The spouse doesn't know about it. Is counseling beneficial? Can good feelings be renewed with the spouse possibly?

 

<Moderation note: Additional clarification for topic content occurred downthread and that prompted including in the opening post and we'll move this to our Infidelity forum due to the nature of that content, quote below>

 

I am talking about myself in the thread. I have been M for 11 years and H has been verbally abusive and an alcoholic. He has made me feel inferior and like I'm nothing. I'm not trying to make excuses, I know that I should handle things in another way. I never cheated on any boyfriends and I was M before and didn't cheat. I had MM try to hook up with me before, but never did it. I always thought cheating was bad and never thought that I would do it. A few years ago, I met a guy and we started talking and I really was just looking for someone to talk to. He came on to me and I resisted him for a while, but then slept with him. Unfortunately A sex is good a lot of times and it can become addictive. I met a few other guys. Once you open the Pandora's box, it's hard to go back. I know that it's wrong, but sometimes you think as long as no one finds out, no one will be hurt. I don't like to be like this and I do want to change. I don't want to hurt my H or anyone else. I am unhappy in my M and need to settle things one way or another with him.

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SammySammy

A decision to stop cheating.

 

Nothing else works. How do you tell a person what to do with their own body?

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A decision to stop cheating.

 

Nothing else works. How do you tell a person what to do with their own body?

 

That's true. It's not always that simple, though.

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Arieswoman

lftbehind,

 

A person that's unhappy with their spouse, but unable to leave

 

That's BS. No-one is ever "unable to leave". They stay because they are cake-eating :rolleyes:

 

Unless the serial cheater is chained in the cellar they are free to leave.

 

(mind you, if they were chained in the cellar then they wouldn't be cheating :D)

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lftbehind,

 

 

 

That's BS. No-one is ever "unable to leave". They stay because they are cake-eating :rolleyes:

 

Unless the serial cheater is chained in the cellar they are free to leave.

 

(mind you, if they were chained in the cellar then they wouldn't be cheating :D)

 

They can't leave because of finances and they also want to see if if there's a chance of working it out with their spouse. I'm really looking for answers that might help.

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LivingWaterPlease

lftbehind, I believe serial cheating is an addiction just as gambling, alcoholism, drugs, food disorders, spending to the extreme, being a work-a-holic etc., are addictions. All of these addictions are relationship killers to one extent or the other.

 

I don't believe a serial cheater (gambler, work-a-holic) can just stop. I believe you must find a healthy way of experiencing life. That will probably take time and guidance. Also, sometimes a cheater has to hit rock bottom before becoming motivated to change.

 

Is there a cheater's anonymous? If not, it would be a great idea for someone to begin one.

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lftbehind, I believe serial cheating is an addiction just as gambling, alcoholism, drugs, food disorders, spending to the extreme, being a work-a-holic etc., are addictions. All of these addictions are relationship killers to one extent or the other.

 

I don't believe a serial cheater (gambler, work-a-holic) can just stop. I believe you must find a healthy way of experiencing life. That will probably take time and guidance. Also, sometimes a cheater has to hit rock bottom before becoming motivated to change.

 

Is there a cheater's anonymous? If not, it would be a great idea for someone to begin one.

 

Hi LivingWaterPlease. I agree that serial cheating is an addiction, too and addictions can be relationship killers. How does one find a healthy way of experiencing life? There is so much stress in life. Does IC or MC help? I can see how hitting rock bottom would make someone motivated to change. Hopefully a change would be able to be made before that happened.

 

I'm not sure if there's a cheater's anonymous. It might help.

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It's very much about whether the serial cheater wants to be a better person.

 

Someone who doesn't want to hurt their spouse.

To become an honest and congruent individual.

 

Do they love their spouse?

 

Unfortunately, when a cheater doesn't see themself getting caught, they don't think about the consequences.

 

Counselling would be a start for a serial cheat, but only if they genuinely want to stop cheating.

 

They need to explore in therapy, why it doesn't mean anything for them to betray their spouse over and over and why the marriage vows don't mean anything to him/her.

 

Ultimately, the serial cheat may have to reconcile with the fact, that they are inherently selfish and feel the need to be validated via extra marital affairs.

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What helps a serial cheater to stop cheating? A person that's unhappy with their spouse, but unable to leave. They were in love with their spouse, but they got hurt badly by them and don't feel the same way now. The spouse doesn't know about it. Is counseling beneficial? Can good feelings be renewed with the spouse possibly?

 

Best way to heal (if possible) is letting the spouse know... the only chance actually... while there is no consequence there is no possibility of healing

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Arieswoman

lftbehind,

 

I'm really looking for answers that might help.

 

As long as they keep adopting a victim mentality, then there are really no helpful answers.

 

Claiming they are suffering from an addiction or "can't leave because of finances" is just an excuse to continue with the status quo.

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I think if there are deep troubles within the marriage, then those need to be addressed and IC or MC can help massively.

In what way did the spouse hurt the serial cheater?

If that cannot be worked out then the decent thing to do is divorce.

Many affairs are based on resentment towards the BS, and that is not a healthy way to live.

The problem with serial cheating is that divorce may be the likely outcome anyway, no matter how "impossible" it may seem to be atm.

 

I guess that lftbehind is the "serial cheater", but i could be wrong.

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Most cheaters are repeat offenders, so a cheater would need to constantly work on themselves and try to avoid getting into situations where they could cheat. Which would require a complete rethinking and will to do so on their part.

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Mrs. John Adams

I think there is hope for anyone who truly wants to change...whether it is cheating or smoking or overeating.

 

If a person is convicted that a change needs to transpire and they are committed to making that change happen...I believe thay certainly can change.

 

I do believe that the demons that allowed the behavior to happen in the first place need to be addressed. It is easier to change something when we understand why we did it in the first place and i think it takes honesty and a really thorough self examination...which often requires professional help.

 

I really only know one serial cheater...and while he says he wants to quit...his behavior says differently. He has a wonderful wife and family...but his wife is an enabler...and as long as no one is holding him accountable...he wont change. It is a sad situation.

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Like any vice -- gambling, drugs etc. -- the first step is to acknowledge the problem. The there has to be a desire & a commitment to change.

 

Once the BS finds out, what the cheater wants is probably irrelevant. The BS may kick them to the curb.

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I think there is always hope for someone to change, but they have to want to change and they have to do the work and make the lifestyle changes to support their new direction.

 

Would I ever trust a serial cheater - absolutely not.

 

And... further to your original comment. Nobody is ever "unable to leave." It may be complicated and it may be difficult (financially, related to children), but every person has the ability to leave a relationship at any time. A person who is "unable to leave" is actually "choosing to stay."

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INDIVIDUAL THERAPY. With someone experienced in infidelity. Get to the bittom of why you do this.

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LivingWaterPlease
Hi LivingWaterPlease. I agree that serial cheating is an addiction, too and addictions can be relationship killers. How does one find a healthy way of experiencing life? There is so much stress in life. Does IC or MC help? I can see how hitting rock bottom would make someone motivated to change. Hopefully a change would be able to be made before that happened.

 

I'm not sure if there's a cheater's anonymous. It might help.

 

Well, perhaps the person could attend a 12-step program developed for another type of addiction. Seems it would be applicable.

 

I've never been to a 12-step program for even one meeting but I've heard a lot about them as I know lots of people who have. From what I've heard it would be great for a cheater.

 

I've known quite a few serial cheaters and from what I've seen few are motivated to change but the greatest motivator is being flat on one's back; IOW losing your marriage, family, financial devastation, etc. Not sure how financial devastation would be a result of serial cheating unless great amounts of time and money were spent pursuing the demonic obsession. Am sure some will consider categorizing it as demonic to be fanatical but that's just my opinion.

 

I have several addictions I deal with in my own life and the only way I stay balanced, and I do, is by God's Grace, a close daily relationship and dependence on Him through prayer and Bible reading. That's why I always hold out that thought/suggestion on LS because God has been mighty for me to lift me above things that would otherwise destroy me!

 

Many people have no idea of the power of God to completely transform a life. And God doesn't leave a person in mediocrity! He lifts a person above anything they ever thought they could achieve! I've seen it take place many times.

 

If you or someone you know is dealing with any type of addiction or ruinous behavior there is great hope! And for the person who is not dealing with an addiction there is still more to be had of joy and achievement by getting close to God. Not talking about religion or church. Talking about Bible reading and talking to God about what you read there.

 

It is not just an ancient pathway as some consider it; outdated. It is a powerful pathway to balance and excellence!

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When you are referring to "serial cheaters", are you talking about yourself the whole time?

If yes, why are you using the "they" to talk about the "I"?

If it's about you and you aren't able to or willing to even phrase this issue in first person, that itself is a bit alarming.

 

The above is not a criticism--just an observation.

 

Here are the possibilities:

1. A serial cheater is a mentally deformed, "evil" person with a character flaw. Which means one can fix him.

 

2. A serial cheater is suffering from an addiction, as several others have mentioned.

 

3. A serial cheater is wired differently--I didn't say "badly", I said differently. Meaning maybe he is programmed to be polyamorous or is in need of multiple partners and by social conditioning or expectations forcing himself to conform to be a monogamist. If that's the case, you can force all the "rehabilitation" and "therapy" and reformation on him, but his nature will not change; you may be forcefully able to change his actions, but deep down it will always be an internal battle.

It's kind of like the way for centuries all over the world, homosexual people forced themselves to be "normal", without recognizing that they are not abnormal, they are just sexually wired differently.

 

Chances are I will be misunderstood, so let me try to clarify myself, before I get stoned.

 

I am NOT justifying infidelity. I am saying, for SOME serial cheaters, it is the case that they maybe biologically polygamous in nature, but may be unaware or unwilling to accept that, exactly the same way MANY gay men in certain cultures "hate" themselves for being gay and force themselves to fit into the heterosexual norms, but deep down are always in inner conflict.

 

So, my advice to you, OP, is:

if you are talking about yourself, then invest some serious time and dedication to explore and examine YOURSELF with the help of a therapist to understand

what your biological, emotional, and psychological needs are, before you talk about how to fix yourself. Because you can't fix yourself if you don't know what the problem is.

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Any hope for a serial cheater?
Hope for what? A long and healthy life? Successful relationships? Prosperity? Adding content and value to the world?
What helps a serial cheater to stop cheating?
IME, when the costs outweigh the benefits.
A person that's unhappy with their spouse, but unable to leave. They were in love with their spouse, but they got hurt badly by them and don't feel the same way now.
Seen that, sometimes due to family dynamics, sometimes kids, sometimes money, often a combination.
The spouse doesn't know about it.
Sometimes, sometimes not. IME, with the cases I've known/been involved with personally, generally the spouses knew if it was a serial situation.
Is counseling beneficial?
Sure, if the parties are open to reflection and change. Most people I know personally feel counseling is a waste of time, both those who have stated they've cheated and those who have not. My takeaway from counseling was different but I respect their opinions.
Can good feelings be renewed with the spouse possibly?
With time and growth, sure. It all depends on the partners and the motivations for the infidelities.

 

My best example of a reformed serial was one who had multiple and concurrent PA's/EA's over many years, including with me, and has now found her peace apparently after the last and biggest one, fighting labels, family dynamics and socio-economic strata to apparently enjoy her older years with an equal, a guy who apparently had his flings and dalliances as well. They get each other and know the game in a way those of us who aren't serial cheaters never will. They know how to manage the game and mating really is a game anyway though we dress it all up in social convention. I call people like them 'pros'. Don't tangle with them. They'll eat you for lunch :D

 

Think of the end game as mutually assured destruction, kind of like the old US/USSR nuclear standoff. Each knew the other could destroy them so neither took action to promote or instigate destruction.

 

Considering how widespread infidelity is and has always been, I'd say hope is always there, and often realized. If other, people die and a new generation gets to try again. Life goes on.

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Thank you for your replies, everybody. I'll reply some individually when I have some time later. []

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If it's financial problems, you yourself start working two jobs or getting more education or file for divorce and start getting child support from the cheater.

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Thanks for your comments and advice, everybody. It sounds like I need counseling. Should I go to IC, to straighten myself out, before I try MC? I know my motivations for cheating, but need help to stop. I do want to.

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If you haven't been to counseling, here's a general overview

 

If you choose IC, you are the client. The IC works for you and tasks you depending on what goals you outline. The counseling serves to benefit you without regard to other considerations, be that the MM or your spouse.

 

I remember a marked incident where the person in my story came to me after a few years (we knew each other over 25 years and were active off and on for about 8 of those) stating her counselor had instructed her to contact me. I was, well, dumbfounded that a counselor would instruct a client to contact a former affair partner not for closure, but to check in and work through lingering feelings, apparently. Sure, she could have been lying but she was pretty honest about her indiscretions so I tended to believe her.

 

Anyway, that's an example of IC tasking based on the client's personal interest without regard to other considerations.

 

In MC, the marriage is the client and both spouses are tasked to work to the benefit of the marriage. That's what I had, with a clinical psychologist. It's different from IC and can be very confrontational when the marriage is harmed by infidelity and the pro is working to protect and benefit the marriage. In your case, your spouse won't sit there blameless, or 'lacking responsibility' as our psych put it, rather he will bear his burdens of his actions in the marriage. Your responsibility will be, among perhaps other actions, your affair(s).

 

It all depends on what you want to do. If the goal is recovering the marriage, honesty and trust is part of that. If you're against disclosure, OK, that's a choice, not one I'd recommend but definitely possible. Taking the infidelity off the table, what else are you responsible for in the unhealthiness, apparently, of the M? A good psych won't let you off the hook as the innocent injured party. They didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday and have seen hundreds if not thousands of couples and they know all the tricks and words. What will you do in MC if you wish to keep this stuff secret? Think about that before shelling out the dough and taking your valuable time to do it. I went open and honest, sometimes brutally honest, and we worked it all out in the open. Guess who was the 'third party' in the deal? Yup ;)

 

If H is truly abusive and an alcoholic, IMO those parameters should be addressed prior to any meaningful recovery beginning. Would H be willing to go to AA and IC to do his part? Ask the question. Marriage is on the rocks. We both need to make changes to make it work. Are you willing? If yes, lets get started. If no, OK, that's a valid answer. Service of divorce papers this week. No sense in beating a dead horse. Or, as our psych so pleasantly put it "You have a decision to make".

 

Good luck!

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If you haven't been to counseling, here's a general overview

 

If you choose IC, you are the client. The IC works for you and tasks you depending on what goals you outline. The counseling serves to benefit you without regard to other considerations, be that the MM or your spouse.

 

I remember a marked incident where the person in my story came to me after a few years (we knew each other over 25 years and were active off and on for about 8 of those) stating her counselor had instructed her to contact me. I was, well, dumbfounded that a counselor would instruct a client to contact a former affair partner not for closure, but to check in and work through lingering feelings, apparently. Sure, she could have been lying but she was pretty honest about her indiscretions so I tended to believe her.

 

Anyway, that's an example of IC tasking based on the client's personal interest without regard to other considerations.

 

In MC, the marriage is the client and both spouses are tasked to work to the benefit of the marriage. That's what I had, with a clinical psychologist. It's different from IC and can be very confrontational when the marriage is harmed by infidelity and the pro is working to protect and benefit the marriage. In your case, your spouse won't sit there blameless, or 'lacking responsibility' as our psych put it, rather he will bear his burdens of his actions in the marriage. Your responsibility will be, among perhaps other actions, your affair(s).

 

It all depends on what you want to do. If the goal is recovering the marriage, honesty and trust is part of that. If you're against disclosure, OK, that's a choice, not one I'd recommend but definitely possible. Taking the infidelity off the table, what else are you responsible for in the unhealthiness, apparently, of the M? A good psych won't let you off the hook as the innocent injured party. They didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday and have seen hundreds if not thousands of couples and they know all the tricks and words. What will you do in MC if you wish to keep this stuff secret? Think about that before shelling out the dough and taking your valuable time to do it. I went open and honest, sometimes brutally honest, and we worked it all out in the open. Guess who was the 'third party' in the deal? Yup ;)

 

If H is truly abusive and an alcoholic, IMO those parameters should be addressed prior to any meaningful recovery beginning. Would H be willing to go to AA and IC to do his part? Ask the question. Marriage is on the rocks. We both need to make changes to make it work. Are you willing? If yes, lets get started. If no, OK, that's a valid answer. Service of divorce papers this week. No sense in beating a dead horse. Or, as our psych so pleasantly put it "You have a decision to make".

 

Good luck!

 

Hi Carhill, Thank you for your response and explaining IC and MC to me. It's good that counseling benefitted your situation. I'm sure that you need to get a good counselor that you can talk to for it to work. I will look into IC. I mentioned MC to my H and he didn't want to go, but if he knew that he had to, he might. He admits to being an alcoholic, but won't do anything about it. I can't disclose the As, because he already treats me poorly and I'm sure that it would be a lot worse, if he found that out.

 

Before I had the As, I was a pretty good wife. He always seemed to find something to complain about with me, though. We have these big fights sometimes, where he says terrible things to me and he has said before that he wanted a divorce, but he never follows through. He uses things that I've confided in him about against me, too. He's not always like that, though. When he acts better, I feel bad, because I don't feel the same as I did before about him. I don't enjoy being around him.

 

I don't want to give up, but I don't know if I can feel comfortable around him and connect with him again. I will look into counseling definitely.

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