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Still in love with [OW]


ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska

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ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska

I could write a long story here of what happened and why, and I realize that there are those who no matter what you say will slam you for having an affair, but the short of it is this. I fell in love with the OW. We had an affair that lasted almost 1.5 years. I have never connected with a woman on a primal and caring level as her. Hands down, she got me, who I was and loved me without limits. It was ugly, the breakup, basically she threatened to tell the wife and I beat her to it. hell broke loose on many levels. I broke it off with her that day and have not spoken to her since....

 

Fast forward almost 5 years...still have not seen her or contacted her. ZERO CONTACT. I have been to counseling, therapy, pastoral advisement, etc...While I care for my wife as a partner in family and business, we are not alike at all. We speak two different languages of love, processes, faith, children, money....you name it we do not communicate. Life is horribly empty, dreadful and the thing is she thinks its normal. She has not forgiven me, constantly berates me over my actions 5 years ago. Her bitterness is so vain, she is blind to it all. However, neither of us is willing to file for divorce. Only 1 kid left at home...1 more year. She says she loves me but does nothing to show it prove it or let it be known.

 

Not a day goes by where I don't think of the OW. Almost 5 years later, she is in my heart still, no matter how much I have shut her out (and I have).

 

Is this true love to last this long? This is not a few months later after D-Day, this has been years......

 

Help!

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I could write a long story here of what happened and why, and I realize that there are those who no matter what you say will slam you for having an affair, but the short of it is this. I fell in love with the OW. We had an affair that lasted almost 1.5 years. I have never connected with a woman on a primal and caring level as her. Hands down, she got me, who I was and loved me without limits. It was ugly, the breakup, basically she threatened to tell the wife and I beat her to it. hell broke loose on many levels. I broke it off with her that day and have not spoken to her since....

 

Fast forward almost 5 years...still have not seen her or contacted her. ZERO CONTACT. I have been to counseling, therapy, pastoral advisement, etc...While I care for my wife as a partner in family and business, we are not alike at all. We speak two different languages of love, processes, faith, children, money....you name it we do not communicate. Life is horribly empty, dreadful and the thing is she thinks its normal. She has not forgiven me, constantly berates me over my actions 5 years ago. Her bitterness is so vain, she is blind to it all. However, neither of us is willing to file for divorce. Only 1 kid left at home...1 more year. She says she loves me but does nothing to show it prove it or let it be known.

 

Not a day goes by where I don't think of the OW. Almost 5 years later, she is in my heart still, no matter how much I have shut her out (and I have).

 

Is this true love to last this long? This is not a few months later after D-Day, this has been years......

 

Help!

 

I suspect because the marriage is horrible that your mind stays stuck in happy times. You've convinced yourself that OW was/is the answer. Odds are had you gone with the OW that relationship would have been over now. Is it true love? I don't know, only person who can answer for sure is you. I suspect it isn't, because you ghosted her.

 

A question, what have you done to help your wife feel safe in the marriage and with you as a partner?

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ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska

Everything.....every therapist, counselor, friend, pastor has said....her unforgiveness is so deeply rooted it has affected every aspect of her life. It's easy to point the finger at me....and I do own what I did. I took the blame, but she took nothing as for being a non-existent wife. The issues that occurred long before the affair remain. I did everything textbook. I can not rebuild trust if the other person refuses to learn to do it. For almost 5 years, I have invested everything, every action, every dollar and she has done nothing but continually blaming me for everything....Sorry, I have shutdown at this point, I can not pour something into her that is not there. Marriage takes two and even in affairs and at some point you have to rebuild. I can not do that alone.

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FoundMyStrength
I could write a long story here of what happened and why, and I realize that there are those who no matter what you say will slam you for having an affair, but the short of it is this. I fell in love with the OW. We had an affair that lasted almost 1.5 years. I have never connected with a woman on a primal and caring level as her. Hands down, she got me, who I was and loved me without limits. It was ugly, the breakup, basically she threatened to tell the wife and I beat her to it. hell broke loose on many levels. I broke it off with her that day and have not spoken to her since....

 

Fast forward almost 5 years...still have not seen her or contacted her. ZERO CONTACT. I have been to counseling, therapy, pastoral advisement, etc...While I care for my wife as a partner in family and business, we are not alike at all. We speak two different languages of love, processes, faith, children, money....you name it we do not communicate. Life is horribly empty, dreadful and the thing is she thinks its normal. She has not forgiven me, constantly berates me over my actions 5 years ago. Her bitterness is so vain, she is blind to it all. However, neither of us is willing to file for divorce. Only 1 kid left at home...1 more year. She says she loves me but does nothing to show it prove it or let it be known.

 

Not a day goes by where I don't think of the OW. Almost 5 years later, she is in my heart still, no matter how much I have shut her out (and I have).

 

Is this true love to last this long? This is not a few months later after D-Day, this has been years......

 

Help!

 

Five years has passed. Even if it WAS true love, or whatever you want to call it, you don't even know this woman anymore. I cant even begin to describe how much my life has changed in the last 5-6 years. Additional schooling, emotional growth, loss of loved ones, social changes. I'm simply not the same person.

 

It sounds like your life got into a rut with your wife, and something continues to prevent you from digging yourself out. I dont envy that position, although as an xOW, it does boggle my mind that married folk stay in clearly unhappy situations for what seems to me to be an unhealthy amount of time. Fortunately for her, your xOW is not in the position of being married/static. As a former OW, I hope, I pray, she is not the same person.

 

Just be prepared -- for you, this may seem like true love. But if you track her down she may be a very different person in a very different place. This time around, SHE may not want you.

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Almost 5 years later, she is in my heart still, no matter how much I have shut her out (and I have).

 

Just a quick point to make.

 

You exclaim that you have shut her out and yet in the same sentence say she is still in your heart. Your actions and the work to repair yourself / your marriage is not lining up with reality in this sentence. I am sure if you look there are other areas that are "out of alignment" with reality.

 

If you truly had shut her out of your life then you wouldn't after 5 years be wondering, thinking, or fantasying about what could have been. Plain reality right there. You never shut her out you only put out the fire, spoke some words, and pressed on. Now each time you have an issue with your marriage or wife you reach back into those memory banks and only think of the good times. Because that is what feels good, right...

 

Until you break yourself down, break down the affair, figure out what is wrong, what was lies and fantasy, and truly commit or don't commit to your wife. You will remain in limbo and string out your wife. Is this really fair to her? Fair to your family?

 

Until you work on yourself you will not be a safe partner for anyone. You can do it, break free, and figure your **** out and commit one way or another. You might find true authentic love in the process.

 

Regards,

Sampson

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whichwayisup
Everything.....every therapist, counselor, friend, pastor has said....her unforgiveness is so deeply rooted it has affected every aspect of her life. It's easy to point the finger at me....and I do own what I did. I took the blame, but she took nothing as for being a non-existent wife. The issues that occurred long before the affair remain. I did everything textbook. I can not rebuild trust if the other person refuses to learn to do it. For almost 5 years, I have invested everything, every action, every dollar and she has done nothing but continually blaming me for everything....Sorry, I have shutdown at this point, I can not pour something into her that is not there. Marriage takes two and even in affairs and at some point you have to rebuild. I can not do that alone.

 

why not just divorce your wife? It seems you both are miserable. And if you're staying together for your childs sake, that isn't healthy since the marriage is not working. Not sure how old your kid is but if they are old enough to be aware of and pick up energy around them, they probably know that things are not great between you two.

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Southern Sun

Perhaps your wife is disinterested in working on your issues, and exhibits bitterness towards you, because you are blatantly in love with another woman? Who you apparently haven't even spoken to in five years? (Which, by now, falls in the category of a fantasy relationship. This is all in your head).

 

How much real effort have you poured back into your marriage? It would be very hard for a BS to feel safe and want to let go of the pain and fear and anger unless they could truly sense deep down that their WS had let go of the AP. You clearly aren't doing that.

 

But...this train may have already left the station. You are creating all of your own obstacles. Neither of us will initiate a divorce. My wife is bitter and refuses to work on things. I am hopelessly in love with a woman I have't spoken to in years. You are going to have to reach up and knock one of those obstacles down in order to make any forward progress.

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You two tried to reconcile. Ultimately the affair damaged her too much, and you haven't been able to get over OW. It didn't work. That is clear.

 

There's no shame in trying and failing. Reconciliation is hard. I was a WS and we decided not to try, even though we did love each other very much. Why not just throw the towel in? It's hard at first to go it alone after decades with one person, but ultimately you two AND your kids will be happier. It just sounds miserable and fruitless at this point.

 

Do it for you, and for your wife and kids. Then you can look up the OW after the dust has settled. You might be in love with a fantasy at this point.

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Ray, I'm going to have to call bull on the everything part. In one paragraph you say not a day has gone by that you don't think about the OW. Than you say you've done everything to help your wife heal. It's conflicting idology, you can't travel east and west at the same time.

 

Another thing, does this people who tell you your wife is unforgiving know the whole story? Do they know you still desire the other woman? That you think about her every day?

 

Come on man, you know your efforts haven't been authentic, you know you haven't been honest.

 

Wayward behavior goes past sex and contact, you've never left the affair. One thing I say alot here is just because the betrayed spouses don't know, it doesn't mean they can't feel something is off.

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somanymistakes

 

Not a day goes by where I don't think of the OW. Almost 5 years later, she is in my heart still, no matter how much I have shut her out (and I have).

 

Is this true love to last this long? This is not a few months later after D-Day, this has been years......

 

It is quite possibly love... mixed with a dose of fantasy.

 

"True" love? Well, I'm not sure true love is the healthiest concept in the first place. Too often people see "true love" as this sort of magical thing from the movies, a binding force that overcomes all obstacles as if they didn't even exist, a once-in-a-lifetime wonder that must be followed whatever the cost. This is not a good way to think about relationships. This sort of thinking leads people to abandon love at the first sign of trouble, because if they have any doubts then it must not be real love... and so they bounce from relationship to relationship, never finding happiness.

Love takes work. Love has to be tended.

 

That doesn't mean chaining yourself to a sinking ship all the way down, either. But it does mean you have to be an active participant. You can't really be In Love all by yourself. Both people have to give of themselves and keep at it in order to keep that bond alive.

 

You still care for your AP. She wasn't just some convenient warm body, you had feelings for her and still do. It's possible that those feelings will never go away. My MM pined for me for ten years after I left him (it wasn't an affair at the time), thinking he would never get me back. I don't think it would have made any difference if it had been twenty or thirty or forty.

 

Those feelings are mixed up in fantasy. Of course they are, it's not possible for them to be otherwise. You don't really know what a day-to-day relationship with her would be like, and you're constantly comparing your happy memories to your unhappy reality. That doesn't mean your feelings are false or irrelevant, but it does mean you have to recognise that there are things you don't know, and that even if you find each other and run to each other in a grassy field it's not going to be a perfect dream.

 

It's the same with that whole "You don't really know her now" stuff. You don't know everything. You may or may not know her now. It's no guarantee either way. Surely you've met people from high school, later in life, and some of them have changed so drastically you barely recognise them, and some are exactly the same as they always were and you fall right back into friendship and old jokes as if you'd never been gone? Relationships are like that. You can't know everything that's changed until and unless you get back together. She might be a very different person now, or she might not. It's important to recognise that you don't know either way.

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LivingWaterPlease

Ray, from what I've seen in life, many aspects of it, only God can do miracles. Seems to me you need a miracle and I believe God can give you one for your marriage. I don't know of your beliefs but if you're not open to involving prayer and scripture in your journey I'd say it may be time to divorce.

 

I always advocate to repair a marriage rather than getting a divorce.

 

But, if you're not interested in approaching your marriage from a spiritual perspective I'd advise divorce since nothing else has worked for you and it sounds as if there's a lot of bitterness in your home; not healthy for you, your wife, or child. And it sounds as if you've engaged relationship experts to try to help you to rebuild your M.

 

Also, although changes happen in each of us as we live our lives there are often those of us who in a sense, though changed in ways, retain some of the qualities that make us who we are.

 

No one can say whether or not you could comfortably re establish a R with OW were you single. It's possible she would welcome you back in just as it's possible she's with someone she's building a future with now and there would be no room for you with her. Or that what she went through during your break up with her was too damaging to allow her to desire to be with you now.

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Mrs. John Adams
I could write a long story here of what happened and why, and I realize that there are those who no matter what you say will slam you for having an affair, but the short of it is this. I fell in love with the OW. We had an affair that lasted almost 1.5 years. I have never connected with a woman on a primal and caring level as her. Hands down, she got me, who I was and loved me without limits. It was ugly, the breakup, basically she threatened to tell the wife and I beat her to it. hell broke loose on many levels. I broke it off with her that day and have not spoken to her since....

 

Fast forward almost 5 years...still have not seen her or contacted her. ZERO CONTACT. I have been to counseling, therapy, pastoral advisement, etc...While I care for my wife as a partner in family and business, we are not alike at all. We speak two different languages of love, processes, faith, children, money....you name it we do not communicate. Life is horribly empty, dreadful and the thing is she thinks its normal. She has not forgiven me, constantly berates me over my actions 5 years ago. Her bitterness is so vain, she is blind to it all. However, neither of us is willing to file for divorce. Only 1 kid left at home...1 more year. She says she loves me but does nothing to show it prove it or let it be known.

 

Not a day goes by where I don't think of the OW. Almost 5 years later, she is in my heart still, no matter how much I have shut her out (and I have).

 

Is this true love to last this long? This is not a few months later after D-Day, this has been years......

 

Help!

 

I just have one question. The part i bolded.....says it was ugly...she threatened to tell your wife and you have not spoken to her since that day.

 

On that day....when she threatened you....when she was willing to destroy you....when she got very ugly and did not care who she hurt....you...your wife...your kids. She was willling to blow up your entire world......

 

on that day...did you love her?i mean did you look at her with love in your eyes and love in your heart?

 

and in the 5 years past that day...when you beat her to it and told your wife and blew up your wife's world....did you do everything you could to make your wife feel safe again? Have you put her needs before your own? Have you done everything you could to heal your relationship? Have you become transparent and set strict boundaries and read books? Did you treat her as a business partner rather than a lover? Did you treat her like you once treated your other woman?

 

have you resented every single day you have spent with her becasue you wanted to be somewhere else?

 

Do you still love the person your other woman was during your affair...but do you also realize that she is capable of being ugly and mean? Becasue if you love her...you have to love the ugly parts of her too.

 

Now...did you ever love your wife? and do you love her on her ugly days? Do you love her in spite of the woman she has become because of what you did to her?

 

Love is a funny thing....it isn't all beautiful all of the time.

 

My guess is...you haven't been very lovable either.

 

It makes me sad...that the two of you have been together these past 5 years and have been so unhappy.

 

I dont know what you are looking for....none of us has a magic potion to heal your relationship...

 

but i do question what you still love abput the other woman...becasue sometimes we love a memory that we have created in our own mind and it isn't true.

 

She was willing to have an affair with a married man who had a family...that was your first clue that perhaps she is not the magnificent woman you have made her out to be in your mind.

 

I wish you luck and peace.....

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Everything.....every therapist, counselor, friend, pastor has said....her unforgiveness is so deeply rooted it has affected every aspect of her life. It's easy to point the finger at me....and I do own what I did. I took the blame, but she took nothing as for being a non-existent wife. The issues that occurred long before the affair remain. I did everything textbook. I can not rebuild trust if the other person refuses to learn to do it. For almost 5 years, I have invested everything, every action, every dollar and she has done nothing but continually blaming me for everything....Sorry, I have shutdown at this point, I can not pour something into her that is not there. Marriage takes two and even in affairs and at some point you have to rebuild. I can not do that alone.

 

No, you have NOT accepted the responsibility or owned your actions. You may have in words tot he right people, but by your words on here and your actions, you are trying to blame your wife.

 

Sorry, that doesn't wash, and even most ws will tell you the same.Whether you stay with your wife or not, until you face that you cheated because you wanted to, you will be stuck.

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Ray, I'm going to have to call bull on the everything part. In one paragraph you say not a day has gone by that you don't think about the OW. Than you say you've done everything to help your wife heal. It's conflicting idology, you can't travel east and west at the same time.

 

Another thing, does this people who tell you your wife is unforgiving know the whole story? Do they know you still desire the other woman? That you think about her every day?

 

Come on man, you know your efforts haven't been authentic, you know you haven't been honest.

 

Wayward behavior goes past sex and contact, you've never left the affair. One thing I say alot here is just because the betrayed spouses don't know, it doesn't mean they can't feel something is off.

 

This is so true.

 

In this situation, saying "i did everything I could to reconcile" is alike a someone who wants to lose weight, meanwhile they are stuffing their face, complaining they can't lose weight and nothing works.

 

Who are you trying to convince you did everything? Us? Your Wife? yourself?

Edited by wmacbride
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travelbug1996

I don't understand. If you loved the oW so much why didn't you take a leap of faith and leave the "unhappy" marriage you were in and just be with her?

 

I think married unhappy people get used to being unhappy and accept it as their lot in life. So sad since life is so short.

 

I know women who have stayed decades with regrets of wasting valuable years with a man who didn't truly love, cherish and adore them they way they would have liked.

 

I left my ex-husband for cheating. Cheating has always been a deal breaker. Its the shiiiityist thing you can do to someone you say you love.

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ClassyTaste

You participated in a wrongful act and betrayed your spouse, but this in no way gives right for a person to abuse you mentally or physically, especially 5 years down the road. If I am reading your post correctly, if sounds like this is your present life, not 5 years ago. There are no excuses for abuse. I would sit her down and be open that you will not continue in a marriage if these issues are not dealt with.

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HappyAgain2014

It's been 5 years. For all you know, your fOW has married or moved away. My affair ended over 4 years ago. If my xMM contacted me professing love, I'd laugh in his face. Thankfully, time provides clarity about how destructive and shameful being an OW is. I wouldn't expect her to be open to listening to you. If you're still married, she definitely won't take you seriously.

 

You had your chances. Before dday, you could have left your wife. After dday and for 5 years, you could have left your wife. I think you want an assurance that she is still interested before you pull the plug on your marriage. Trust me when I tell you the future faking won't get her back. She has had 5 years to realize your promises meant nothing.

 

What are you hoping the outcome here will be?

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You never really reconciled with your wife and you seem to blame your wife for that, yet your heart hasn't been in this marriage since the affair and your wife feels that. I say if you still think of and pine for the OW every day after 5yrs just do yourself and everyone else a favor and put this marriage out of it's misery.

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lostintheuk

OP, I am probably not the best person to give advice (if you see my thread you'll understand why - I am still pining for my OM). I think your marriage is probably over. Life is short and I think you should find your OW and at least tell her what you've told us - that you think of her everyday. Imagine if she feels the same? You will never know if you don't tell her.

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I'd try and make contact with the other woman and see if she responds. She may be feeling the same way. Your marriage is obviously over either way. You are wasting your youth being in an unhappy relationship. Do you really want to regret not trying to pursue true love?

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OP, I am probably not the best person to give advice (if you see my thread you'll understand why - I am still pining for my OM). I think your marriage is probably over. Life is short and I think you should find your OW and at least tell her what you've told us - that you think of her everyday. Imagine if she feels the same? You will never know if you don't tell her.

 

He could have done that after d-day, he could have left the "terrible" marriage, but truth is he didn't really want to.

He was no doubt happy with the wife, the business, the kids, the house the marriage, and the OW just needed to stay in her place, on the side.

She was not happy with that, made a move for "more" and got shot down in the process. She committed the cardinal sin of wanting to tell the wife, so was summarily dismissed...

 

NOW back to reality, he has put her on a pedestal, she can do no wrong.

The Angel as opposed to the Devil, he now has to put up with as a wife...

 

He can rage at his wife and blame her for all his misery. He hates and despises every move she makes, she holds him in contempt for ruining her life.

He can love his OW and he can spend his life in a fantasy of how it might have been... Of course the real her may hate him with every fibre of her being, (a woman slighted, who stupidly believed all the future faking) but as far as he is concerned she is perfect and will remain that way.

 

He knows, he is most likely going no where - it is too hard, there is too much to lose...

So, he keeps feeding the fantasy.

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Mrs. John Adams

Elaine is 100% correct.

 

He has had 5 years to pursue his perfect woman.

 

He has had no contact. I am willing to bet she has moved on with her life... especially if she is as fantastic as he says she is.

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I could write a long story here of what happened and why, and I realize that there are those who no matter what you say will slam you for having an affair, but the short of it is this. I fell in love with the OW. We had an affair that lasted almost 1.5 years. I have never connected with a woman on a primal and caring level as her. Hands down, she got me, who I was and loved me without limits. It was ugly, the breakup, basically she threatened to tell the wife and I beat her to it. hell broke loose on many levels. I broke it off with her that day and have not spoken to her since....

 

Fast forward almost 5 years...still have not seen her or contacted her. ZERO CONTACT. I have been to counseling, therapy, pastoral advisement, etc...While I care for my wife as a partner in family and business, we are not alike at all. We speak two different languages of love, processes, faith, children, money....you name it we do not communicate. Life is horribly empty, dreadful and the thing is she thinks its normal. She has not forgiven me, constantly berates me over my actions 5 years ago. Her bitterness is so vain, she is blind to it all. However, neither of us is willing to file for divorce. Only 1 kid left at home...1 more year. She says she loves me but does nothing to show it prove it or let it be known.

 

Not a day goes by where I don't think of the OW. Almost 5 years later, she is in my heart still, no matter how much I have shut her out (and I have).

 

Is this true love to last this long? This is not a few months later after D-Day, this has been years......

 

Help!

Why are you unwilling to file for divorce? You paint your wife in a most unfavorable light. Why did you immediately go full NC if you were so in love with your AP?

 

Do you really believe that your wife can't feel that something is still off? You have been going through the motions, you never committed to reconciling.

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Good points here.

 

YOU chose to stay in an unhappy marriage. But, you can change that at any time.

 

Because you have been unhappy, it is very likely that you have fantasized about this woman and you have built it into something that it never was, and never may be.

 

I would think that after five years, this woman has moved in with her life and changed in ways that you can not know. It is very likely that she would not be available or would not want to become involved with you again.

 

Deal with your marriage before you begin to think about the next chapter of life.

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ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska

As I said there is lot to this story and all those who slam me.....well for that I say, you have no idea. I did not come here to get promptly scolded, I have already had that from everyone else. And for those who want to come to the defense of BW, it takes two in a marriage. Keeping your penis in when you leave the house is NOT the only vow in a marriage. Don't freaking judge me. I made a mistake. I admit that. So did the wife. No, she kept her panties on, but she never honored, respected did her part of the marriage. Does it give me the right, excuse or reason? No it does not. I was wrong. So don't jump down my throat over what I did or did not do.

 

As for my comment on the OW....i think everyone misunderstood...I did not nor have I pined away for her everyday for 5 years. What I meant was rarely does a day goes by where I did not think of her, what my actions did to her, what she meant to me....the fact is I did fall in love with her. It was wrong, I admit that. I had no business doing so. But I did. One does not shut that off like a faucet. But I had zero contact with her. Am I living in a fantasy dream? No. Were my thoughts of "OMG, things would be so great with her" HELL no. But in moments of dispair and thinking there is no hope in my current marriage, do I think..."Well OW would have done this differently or understood what I am trying to communicate." Yes I did and I think any normal person would think of the same thing. I am not stupid to think there is more to life and marriage than sex or just the good times. I fully get there is family, money, college, kids, death of friends and family, bills, houses, cars. I did not wake up out of a dream yesterday. These are some of the reasons I stay. BUT every marriage has a design...a reason, an intention of why, a mission of purpose, etc....there are good times and bad.

 

There is no reason for me to go into detail the circumstances of D-Day, I know in my heart, I have done far more than most men in my situation and I have been told that over and over again.

 

So my simple little question before I was attacked was is it love I feel for the OW or something else. Normally, time heals, moves on, forgets.....on her, its another thought. If you can't answer that, then keep you opinion of what I did or didn't do to yourself. I have heard it all before. I did not come here to be battered more.

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