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I don't know what's real anymore


whatsgoingon83

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whatsgoingon83

I have been reading incessantly about affairs and fixing a marriage and I know it's possible but there are times that I doubt everything.

 

Briefly, my husband and I married in 2015 after 4 years together so we have been together for almost 7 years now. I am 32 and he is 33. As far as I know, he hasn't cheated on me before. He is extremely flirty and makes friends easily but nothing inappropriate has ever happened. Our marriage is good. We get along great for the most part. We do fight and sometimes go days without speaking but we always make up. I know my weight and appearance has been an issue for him. In one of our fights he called me fat and said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. We started going to the gym together for a little while until life got in the way and we stopped going. I know things have been different and they haven't been great but I never expected things to go this way:

 

Less than a year after we were married and living together, he meets and becomes friends with a woman at work. She is in her late 20s but was a superior at the office he worked at. Apparently this friendship turned into more and my husband had an affair with this woman for over a year. Just months after we were married!!

 

I didn't really suspect he was having such an intense relatioship with this woman but every now and then I did see that she would text him. I knew they were friends so didn't think too much of it. A few months ago this woman calls me and tells me that she has been in a relationship with my husband and apologizes and tells me she is ending things with my husband. She sent me text messages where my husband was telling her that he loves her and talking about marriage! I confronted my husband and he didn't deny it. How could he?? He told me that things with us were different and that I had changed and that whenever he tried to address problems with me that I wouldn't listen. I immediately told him I wanted a divorce because I would never forgive him. I was devastated. I was angry. He didn't disagree about getting a divorce. We stayed in the home together but we didn't speak for days. I didn't tell anyone what he did because even though I said i wanted a divorce, I wasn't so sure. I mean this is my husband. The man I just married and was planning on spending the rest of my life with! I never noticed anything. He came home every night, spent weekends with me and our families. I just don't understand. I don't get it. How did I not see this??

 

A week or so later my husband brings up divorce again and I take this opportunity to tell him I don't want a divorce. That I know I made mistakes but that I want to work on our marriage and our future. We both promise we would change and work on the marriage and he said he would never speak to this woman again. I believed him.

 

For the next month or so things are great. He comes home straight from work, he doesn't go out without me, he has blocked her on everything and is completely devoted to me. I then get a text from this woman saying that my husband was still contacting her and they were still seeing each other. She said shortly after we talked, he called her and asked for another chance and that he loves her and is divorcing me. I told her that wasn't true. After all this woman does not deserve honesty from me. She slept with MY husband. She said she was telling me because she was tired of him flipflopping between us and wants nothing more to do with him and this situation. so AGAIN my world is shattered. Just when I thought we were making progress. He again tells me he will cut her off and never speak to her again for real this time. A week later, I look at his phone bill and see calls to her!

 

How can I believe anything he says?? He tells me that it's over, that he hasn't talked to her or seen her and will never talk or see her again but I have heard that before. He said he only talked to her this last time because they wanted "closure" and she was begging him to talk to her. Even if that's the case, why would he?? Why does he care about giving her closure? What about me? Why does this woman want my husband? If my husband wouldn't stop seeing her or talking to her before, how can I be sure it's true this time? How do I know if he really got caught up at work or if he is seeing her? All of this makes me think that my husband really does love this woman and is only with me because I asked him to stay. I told him he could leave. We could divorce but he chose to stay. I don't want to lose my husband but I also don't want to be with someone who is only with me because I didn't kick him out. I just don't know what to believe. It's difficult being around our friends and family because nobody knows what happened and I don't want them to know. I go from being happy that he is here to anger to sadness and then back to happy. He was ready to leave when I said divorce and even reached out to her and made plans with her. Then I ask him to stay and he stays. Is this what he wants?

 

I apologize for rambling. I feel like my mind is everywhere these days.

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HereNorThere

How can I believe anything he says??

 

You can't. So you are left with two choices: A) stay with a cheater and live the life of betrayed spouse who is constantly looking over her shoulder B) leave and start a new life.

 

I know, I know, you want a C) things go back to the way the were. Sorry, that wasn't one of the two choices.

 

Some people are capable of this level of betrayal and some people aren't. He is and now you have to figure out if you can live with that or not. It's not really ever going to stop because he doesn't have a reason to. Your pain and tears are not enough. His love for you is obviously not enough and neither is your love for him.

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whichwayisup

Divorce him. Chances are he was having an EA before you got married and 3 months later into the marriage he's cheating on you?

 

Your H has lied to you and lied to the OW. He told you one thing and told her another. She unfortunately believed his lies, just like you did.

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whatsgoingon83

The last time I talked to her I asked her to leave us alone. That I wasn't leaving my husband. I feel like if she listened and stayed away that we could work. I am not trying to blame her but we didn't have any issues this big until she came into his life.

 

They didn't meet until we were already married. About a year after we married is when they became friends and it was all downhill from there.

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It's not her.

 

I know the temptation to blame the A wholly on the ow, but she is only 50 percent responsible.

 

The reality of the situation is she doesn't really care about you or your pain, as if she did, she wouldn't be involved with a married man.

 

Many of us on here understand how painful it can be, and I wish i could tell you that your husband can change and they'll be smooth sailing ahead, but that would be a lie.

 

Your H sounds like a serial cheater ( I doubt you know the while scope of his extra curricular activities) and his need to be involved with other women isn't because of you. it's him. I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater, but in your husband's case, he seems to lack any empathy or insight into what he's done to you, and I doubt he's going to suddenly grow a conscience.

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purplesorrow
The last time I talked to her I asked her to leave us alone. That I wasn't leaving my husband. I feel like if she listened and stayed away that we could work. I am not trying to blame her but we didn't have any issues this big until she came into his life.

 

They didn't meet until we were already married. About a year after we married is when they became friends and it was all downhill from there.

You didn't have issues this big until he invited her into your lives. That is a huge distinction. He is the one who needs to stop. It shouldn't matter what she is doing. He always had the choice to say no. Do you trust him to stay away from her?

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whatsgoingon83

I want to believe that he has and will continue to stay away from her but it seems too good to be true. If I caught him this many times still talking to her and seeing her how can I know it won't happen again? What if this is only temporary and right when I begin to trust more he goes right back? It would be one thing if this was a one time hook up but this was someone he talked to and confided in every day for more than a year. Even when I found out and was watching his every move and he was telling me how much he loved me and posting pictures of us, he was still talking and seeing her. If he loves me, why couldn't he just drop her? Sometimes I feel like when he is quiet and withdrawn that he is thinking about her. Even if they aren't talking now, he may one day go back to her. It's like I'm competing with a ghost. How do I compete with a pretty successful woman that was able to connect with MY husband right under my nose?

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whatsgoingon83
It's not her.

 

I know the temptation to blame the A wholly on the ow, but she is only 50 percent responsible.

 

The reality of the situation is she doesn't really care about you or your pain, as if she did, she wouldn't be involved with a married man.

 

Many of us on here understand how painful it can be, and I wish i could tell you that your husband can change and they'll be smooth sailing ahead, but that would be a lie.

 

Your H sounds like a serial cheater ( I doubt you know the while scope of his extra curricular activities) and his need to be involved with other women isn't because of you. it's him. I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater, but in your husband's case, he seems to lack any empathy or insight into what he's done to you, and I doubt he's going to suddenly grow a conscience.

What makes you think he's a serial cheat? That's a genuine question. I never had reason to suspect him cheating until all of this happened. When I found out about her I looked through his phone, past phone bills, social media accounts and nothing stood out. I continue to look at all of these things and nothing has come up. I'm sure if there were more I would have noticed something before.

 

What's worse is that everyone at their job knew about them. And I've been around some of these people too. All of these people knew and were around us as a couple and I was just the oblivious wife. Her name would even come up in front of me and I was completely blind. Looking back there were signs that I missed: he became more distant and less affectionate with me, he stopped trying to have sex (I attributed this to my weight and honestly I didn't want to have sex with him either), she was his best friend on Snapchat for weeks at a time, I asked him to invite her to certain outings including his birthday dinner and there was always an excuse for why she couldn't come. Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?

 

I guess I can't rule out the possibility that he's a serial cheater but I believe it's this woman that is the issue. Even if there are or were others, this woman is the one he can't seem to let go.

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usernameisvalid

The thing is, you'll never be sure he won't betray you again. He can work on earning your trust back; it requires time and consistently seeing that his actions and his words are congruent. At a certain point, though, you have to take a leap of faith and make the decision to trust again. There's no way around that.

 

Based on my experience with dishonesty within reconciliation, I'm not sure dishonesty at that level (i.e., continuing to cheat) is something I could bounce back from. Everyone has their own threshold though. I guess the only thing I can offer (besides an immense amount of empathy), is that it might be good to start to really contemplate your marriage by asking yourself why you want to stay with your husband (aside from it having been your original plan), by asking yourself what you expect from this relationship after or even during reconciliation, and by asking yourself or your husband if he's prepared for the grueling work that is reconciliation.

 

Finally, I this next thing isn't what you want to hear, but I agree that it's not this woman's fault, nor is it necessarily specifically this woman he can't let go of. It's this woman because she's the one he happened to cross paths with and get close with. What I'm getting at is that it may not be as simple as getting this woman away from your husband because if he would have been in close contact with a different compatible woman, it'd be that woman he'd be having trouble letting go of. I hope this makes sense.

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whatsgoingon83

I just can't believe that for half of our marriage he has been "dating" someone else. Right now it's hard to imagine ever trusting him again. But I can't imagine starting over either.

 

I seem to be going through a million different emotions each day. For example the other day, he was almost an hour late coming home. He said he got tied up at work but I didn't believe him. I still don't. My husband and I have had major problems with communication - he says I don't talk about how I am feeling or when something is bothering me until I explode. But he is the same way. He likes for everything to just be okay. When we fight, we can go days without speaking and when we talk again we just give very general "I'm sorry"s and go back like nothing happened. Everything I have read says reconciling is hard work. I am concerned that he is only doing and saying what I want to hear and see but isn't making real changes. But if he didn't want to be with me, why would he stay? I told him he could go, that he could file and pay for the divorce and I wouldn't fight it but that I would get to tell people the way I want to tell them. But I also said that I was willing to change if he was willing to give me a chance. And after all of that he was STILL talking to her and seeing her.

 

I saw messages to her where he told her she was his best friend, that he never felt that way about me, that nobody understands him or knows the real him like she does and where he told her he wasn't attracted to me. Whenever we are having a good day and he tells me he loves me or compliments me I think of those things. I wonder what's real, what's fake. It's all so unfair.

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HereNorThere

He stays because you're a sure thing. He has no idea what will happen with the other girl, but he knows for certain you'll put up with him.

 

So he gets to sleep with her and you get to put up with his crap. From a selfish perspective, it's not a bad deal for him. Sure, he has to deal with you getting mad from time to time, but he knows you're all bark and no bite.

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What makes you think he's a serial cheat? That's a genuine question. I never had reason to suspect him cheating until all of this happened. When I found out about her I looked through his phone, past phone bills, social media accounts and nothing stood out. I continue to look at all of these things and nothing has come up. I'm sure if there were more I would have noticed something before.

 

What's worse is that everyone at their job knew about them. And I've been around some of these people too. All of these people knew and were around us as a couple and I was just the oblivious wife. Her name would even come up in front of me and I was completely blind. Looking back there were signs that I missed: he became more distant and less affectionate with me, he stopped trying to have sex (I attributed this to my weight and honestly I didn't want to have sex with him either), she was his best friend on Snapchat for weeks at a time, I asked him to invite her to certain outings including his birthday dinner and there was always an excuse for why she couldn't come. Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?

 

I guess I can't rule out the possibility that he's a serial cheater but I believe it's this woman that is the issue. Even if there are or were others, this woman is the one he can't seem to let go.

 

I've been dealing with my husband ex-ow for the past few years, and I can understand a bit of what you are going through. It sucks.

 

I said that I think he's a serial cheater for a couple of reasons. the first is he started an A when you hadn't even been married a year. You also mention how he's "flirty",which would indicate he doesn't have good boundaries. A guy who can't even be married for a year without cheating and who has weak boundaries and you can easily end up with a serial cheater. Then add to that the fact that he saw her behind your back for "closure" ( good god, why do so many mm/mw who cheats suddenly sound like they are regurgitating the script of an episode of "Dr. Phil"), and yo have a man who lies, has weak boundaries and who likes to flirt...i.e.- high potential for cheating.

 

To change, he would have to do a huge amount of work on himself. I'm not saying that can't happen, but you are the one who knows him best. What do you think?

 

btw, I get the impulse to blame it all on the ow, and I agree that she should leave him, and you, alone. The thing is that, unless he allows it, she can harass him all she wants and the A won't start up again.

 

In our case, it took involving the law to get her to leave me alone. Didn't work, but I finally found a solution that did. I told her new husband what she was up to, and since then (not that long ago, tbh) not a peep.

 

Whatever else you do, please be kind to yourself right now. Is there any way you and your closest friend who you really trust can have a girls night out ( or in) and talk all this through?

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whichwayisup
The last time I talked to her I asked her to leave us alone. That I wasn't leaving my husband. I feel like if she listened and stayed away that we could work. I am not trying to blame her but we didn't have any issues this big until she came into his life.

 

They didn't meet until we were already married. About a year after we married is when they became friends and it was all downhill from there.

 

She couldn't give a crap about your marriage, if she did she never would have had an A with your H. She wants your husband, she's going to do whatever she wants to do. It's up to him to tell her to go away and not contact him. he has to be the one to ignore her and cut her out of his life.

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whatsgoingon83
I've been dealing with my husband ex-ow for the past few years, and I can understand a bit of what you are going through. It sucks.

 

I said that I think he's a serial cheater for a couple of reasons. the first is he started an A when you hadn't even been married a year. You also mention how he's "flirty",which would indicate he doesn't have good boundaries. A guy who can't even be married for a year without cheating and who has weak boundaries and you can easily end up with a serial cheater. Then add to that the fact that he saw her behind your back for "closure" ( good god, why do so many mm/mw who cheats suddenly sound like they are regurgitating the script of an episode of "Dr. Phil"), and yo have a man who lies, has weak boundaries and who likes to flirt...i.e.- high potential for cheating.

 

To change, he would have to do a huge amount of work on himself. I'm not saying that can't happen, but you are the one who knows him best. What do you think?

 

btw, I get the impulse to blame it all on the ow, and I agree that she should leave him, and you, alone. The thing is that, unless he allows it, she can harass him all she wants and the A won't start up again.

 

In our case, it took involving the law to get her to leave me alone. Didn't work, but I finally found a solution that did. I told her new husband what she was up to, and since then (not that long ago, tbh) not a peep.

 

Whatever else you do, please be kind to yourself right now. Is there any way you and your closest friend who you really trust can have a girls night out ( or in) and talk all this through?

That sounds awful. I'm sorry you had to experience that! It's u fair that or husbands do this to us and we are also left to pick up the pieces and deal with the fallout.

 

Luckily his mistress hasn't harassed me. She's actually blocked me on all social media and my phone number. She hasn't blocked my husband but they aren't connected on any social media. Her focus isn't me, it's my husband. given past experience, I just find it hard to believe that he has completely cut her off. I've asked him if he has seen her or if she has contacted him and he says she hasn't. It's just too good to be true! They were involved for this long and kept it going even after she confessed to me and now all of a sudden it's just completely over? But I've looked everywhere and I can't find any evidence that they're still speaking so maybe it's just in my head.

 

I don't want to talk to anyone about this situation b/c I don't want anyone to look at him differently. If we make it, people will forever label him a cheater.

 

I don't know if he can change that much. That would require him to completely change who he is and he's extremely stubborn. Right now he's behaving- doing all the right things, saying all the right things. But it's barely been a month since the last time I found he was still seeing her.

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whatsgoingon83
She couldn't give a crap about your marriage, if she did she never would have had an A with your H. She wants your husband, she's going to do whatever she wants to do. It's up to him to tell her to go away and not contact him. he has to be the one to ignore her and cut her out of his life.

You're right. It's his responsibility. Unfortunately he hasn't done a good job of that in the past so that's why I'm worried. When he knew I'd be seeing the texts, he actually pretended to be me and told her "leave my husband alone". I later found out he called her from his work phone and told her that I had linked our accounts and was reading his texts. That's a lot of effort for another woman. I'm worried that he really does love her and will eventually leave me for her. Yes he is here now but we have so many issues to work out that he may bail. Especially if this girl is ready and wiling to welcome him back with arms (legs) wide open.

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I saw messages to her where he told her she was his best friend, that he never felt that way about me, that nobody understands him or knows the real him like she does and where he told her he wasn't attracted to me. Whenever we are having a good day and he tells me he loves me or compliments me I think of those things. I wonder what's real, what's fake. It's all so unfair.

 

To me, this would be the dealbreaker.

 

I understand people say things about BS in affairs... and how hurtful they can be, but... I think for me, this might be too much.

 

Saying "she doesn't have sex with me" or "she doesn't care about me" is one thing. Saying she's his best friend or soulmate or whatever is different. Maybe he's just saying it to get sex, but still, I probably wouldn't be able to heal from that.

 

I think life is too short to be someone's second choice.

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OP,

 

I think life is too short to be someone's second choice.

 

^^^ this x1000.

 

As niji says, this type of duplicity is enough to screw anyone's head up and is a type of emotional abuse.

 

You deserve much, much, better than this.

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eye of the storm

You are checking his phone for emails, texts, and calls.

 

 

Well, there are about a hundred apps that allow you to talk without any phone records. My MM used to text/call me on one then delete it when he thought may see his W. He would just reinstall it when the coast was clear.

 

 

Your H has shown he is willing to lie to you, he has shown he is not willing to cut ties with her. You have to decide to either live with it or leave.

 

 

This has nothing to do with her. And to be honest, nothing to do with him either. It is all you. What do you want? What are you willing to live with? Are you willing to accept being treated this way for the rest of your marriage? Make a decision. Act on it. There will be pain either way.

 

 

Staying will equal being constantly on guard and stressed. Leaving will equal pain and heartache, financial issues, and possibly moving. But all those are temporary and then you can find a happier and more peaceful life.

 

 

I am sorry you are going thru this. Good luck.

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You are checking his phone for emails, texts, and calls.

Well, there are about a hundred apps that allow you to talk without any phone records. My MM used to text/call me on one then delete it when he thought may see his W. He would just reinstall it when the coast was clear.

 

Exactly.

 

OP,

As you know a bout the affair and have caught him out a lot of times, he will have gone underground, and may now have a burner phone or a spare laptop hidden away that he uses to contact her.

He works with her and she knows the score, so they might not even have to have much outside contact anyway.

 

This is NOT fixable.

I am sure you want to hang on in there to "win", but what have you won? A guy who you can't ever trust, who is "in love" with his OW or so obsessed with her that he has had multiple D days.

 

You have no kids, you are young, so just divorce and make a new life for yourself. This marriage will never be the same again.

Had you 15 years behind you and three kids I would say perhaps it is worth hanging on in there to try and fix your marriage and give your kids a stable life, but this has just been approx. three years and he has been cheating on you for most of them.

YOU can't fix that.

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To me, this would be the dealbreaker.

 

I understand people say things about BS in affairs... and how hurtful they can be, but... I think for me, this might be too much.

 

Saying "she doesn't have sex with me" or "she doesn't care about me" is one thing. Saying she's his best friend or soulmate or whatever is different. Maybe he's just saying it to get sex, but still, I probably wouldn't be able to heal from that.

 

I think life is too short to be someone's second choice.

 

While I don't profess to know if this is fixable or not, I think it is important to stress, this is an element in most A's for the WH. My wife'a AP said similar things. A WH almost HAS TO say these things to keep the AP hooked. Remember, the trade that's being made in most A's, kind words from the male in return for sex from the female. And it take's really "kind words" (in most cases, bulls**t) from the male AP to get over the internal resistance in most women to being an OW. I suspect this is the reason that my W's AP's W (wow, that's confusing, but read it slowly, it's correct) didn't want the communications that I recovered from the phones/computers, she knew what was going to be in there, and she didn't want that "mind movie". But, yes, it was all this stuff, "You understand me better than anyone", "Why doesn't she get me", "Why can't it be as easy with her", "I wish I'd met you before". But, here's the thing, I suspect that's almost universal in an A. Maybe a WH will chime in here, but this is the "deal" your making. You can't make the woman feel special through your actions, so you do it with words/ego kibbles. It's really a necessary component of an A, just like sex is a necessary component for most men.

 

Short version, I wouldn't put too much stock in it, because, end of the day, it was almost certainly a string of lies to have sex. Don't read more into it than is necessary, yes, I know the words hurt badly, but if they don't mean anything (and they probably didn't/don't), don't let them hurt you worse than they should. In many ways, having an A for a man is like telling a story, an elaborate story where the female AP plays the "starring role". You're reading a romance novel that has no basis in reality, don't ascribe meaning to that which very likely was primarily a work of fiction.

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You're reading a romance novel that has no basis in reality, don't ascribe meaning to that which very likely was primarily a work of fiction.

Maybe, maybe not, but the REALITY for the OP is that her husband keeps sneaking back to the OW every chance he gets.

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You can only reconcile with someone who wants to commit to the marriage and reconcile. Unfortunately, he hasn't shown you this by his continued contact with this woman.

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While I don't profess to know if this is fixable or not, I think it is important to stress, this is an element in most A's for the WH. My wife'a AP said similar things. A WH almost HAS TO say these things to keep the AP hooked. Remember, the trade that's being made in most A's, kind words from the male in return for sex from the female. And it take's really "kind words" (in most cases, bulls**t) from the male AP to get over the internal resistance in most women to being an OW. I suspect this is the reason that my W's AP's W (wow, that's confusing, but read it slowly, it's correct) didn't want the communications that I recovered from the phones/computers, she knew what was going to be in there, and she didn't want that "mind movie". But, yes, it was all this stuff, "You understand me better than anyone", "Why doesn't she get me", "Why can't it be as easy with her", "I wish I'd met you before". But, here's the thing, I suspect that's almost universal in an A. Maybe a WH will chime in here, but this is the "deal" your making. You can't make the woman feel special through your actions, so you do it with words/ego kibbles. It's really a necessary component of an A, just like sex is a necessary component for most men.

 

Short version, I wouldn't put too much stock in it, because, end of the day, it was almost certainly a string of lies to have sex. Don't read more into it than is necessary, yes, I know the words hurt badly, but if they don't mean anything (and they probably didn't/don't), don't let them hurt you worse than they should. In many ways, having an A for a man is like telling a story, an elaborate story where the female AP plays the "starring role". You're reading a romance novel that has no basis in reality, don't ascribe meaning to that which very likely was primarily a work of fiction.

 

Problem with your WW is...she is still hooked on her OM's lies.

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whatsgoingon83

I am still processing all the comments but I wanted to thank every person who took the time to provide their perspective.

 

It's difficult for me to imagine that our attempt to fix our marriage will not work. He is still here and seems to be complying with the expectations that I have set so I feel like we can make it.

 

But this is very recent. There is always the possibility that he is still speaking to her. If he isn't, it's also possible that he eventually will speak to her again and all our efforts will be for nothing. I should be more optimistic. After all, he chose to stay and work on the marriage with me. He could have left. They do not work together anymore so that's good. It's been several months since they have worked together but the affair did not stop then.

 

He was taking long lunches and spending them with her. I also know that he took half a day off and spent it with her. We are in communication throughout the day now so I know he isn't seeing her while at work. I also know she has shown up at his work before but he says she hasn't and that she hasn't tried to contact him. If they aren't in contact anymore and he is doing everything right with me, doesn't that mean he is fully dedicated to our marriage?

 

We are staying with family for right now so we are always together. Staying with family has been difficult because we have to put on a strong face. We can't discuss things or show that things are tough right now because then they'd begin to ask questions. But he's here and we are together. That has to count for something doesn't it? Like I said I go back and forth many times a day. Every time I post I feel like I am rambling and it's a bunch of incoherent sentences which is indicative of how my mind is right now.

 

As far as the texts he sent her, he says he didn't mean it. That he was just confused and that he loves me. I want to believe him because if he felt that way about her, he would have left. I just don't know why he said that to her on more than one occasion if he didn't mean it. But I also don't know why he would stay if he felt that way. It's a mess.

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If they aren't in contact anymore and he is doing everything right with me, doesn't that mean he is fully dedicated to our marriage?

 

As far as the texts he sent her, he says he didn't mean it. That he was just confused and that he loves me. I want to believe him because if he felt that way about her, he would have left. I just don't know why he said that to her on more than one occasion if he didn't mean it. But I also don't know why he would stay if he felt that way. It's a mess.

 

2 snips above.

 

No, his physical presence does not mean he's fully dedicated to the marriage. He need to "do the work". He should be reading, suggesting counseling, trying to figure out how to fix this, and figuring out what's wrong with him. Him just "being there" is a step, but its the first step of 100 to come. It's not "fully dedicated", not be a long shot. Don't be too upset, almost no waywards get it right away, but, also, don't let your guard down! He's still all over the place, I'm sure he doesn't know which way is up right now, so you'll have to set your boundaries and wait to see if he really wants this or not. It will take time.

 

The 2nd part, I do believe that. Listen, as I said above, men have to say stuff like that to have sex. I'm sure he said it to you, and, he might not have meant it then either (not because he wouldn't come to love you, but it may have been before he really felt it). Honestly, reading the TXT messages from an A is a bit like reading a fiction novel where you happen to know one of the authors. Most of it is BS, so I have no trouble at all believing he didn't mean it. But, the actions, don't overlook that. He really did those things with her. He really was with her and then with you. He probably did choose her over you at times. That's the stuff to focus on, the words are.. Well, not all that important, especially from the male AP, because, as most men here will tell you, they are a prerequisite to having sex. We have to say them, just like you have to take off your clothes to have sex. Most of the time, nearly all the time for some of us (me), we don't mean it.

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