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LonerStoner

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LonerStoner

Hi all...I've been lurking around this board for few months now. Thought I'd share my story...

 

Me and my wife have been having problems for the past year, she said I wasn't affectionate enough, I don't tell her I love her enough, pretty much that she wasn't getting enough energy from me. Mind you we just had a baby, he's about 1.5 years old. So there has been a lot going on.

 

Once she told me this of course I tried to rectify the situation. This was around January early February when we had the convo. Fast forward to the end of March she told me she was having affair for about 2 month. Of course I didn't get the whole truth right away, I had to pry it out of her. She had sex with the guy a couple of times and talked everyday. I was devastated, because despite my flaws I made up for it in other ways but that didn't seem to matter. We are in MC currently.

 

Right now I just feel very overwhelmed. Idk how to deal with the hurt of being cheated on as well as work on the things that were wrong in the marriage. It's all too much. She have been very remorseful and comforts me when needed. She did confess to the affair without me snoping because she felt bad. But I can't help but feel like I'm left to pick up all the pieces myself. I say this because I'm still hurting because of what she did but then I still feel obligated work on the things that were wrong in the first place. I can help but feel bitter because she went out and had fun and I'm stuck dealing with this bull****.

 

I want to try and make this work but it's just not fair. How do I do both? Recover from cheating and also work on the issuses in the marriage?

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First you need time to decide if it's something you even want to continue. This s h I t is hard, no sense in heading down the road only to decide in 8 months they you simply don't want to be married to her anymore.

 

Once you are comfortable in a decision to continue than you will have to tackle ALL the issues. That can't be you blaming everything on her affair or her blaming her affair on you.

 

FYI, she was messing around when she started talking about you not showing affection, that's her way of justifying having the affair.

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[quote=LonerStoner

But I can't help but feel like I'm left to pick up all the pieces myself. I say this because I'm still hurting because of what she did but then I still feel obligated work on the things that were wrong in the first place. I can help but feel bitter because she went out and had fun and I'm stuck dealing with this bull****.

 

I want to try and make this work but it's just not fair. How do I do both? Recover from cheating and also work on the issuses in the marriage?

 

This is one of the most difficult parts. They had their fun and now you are sitting with the issues for a good number of years. Get some counseling. ( that also because of her ).

 

You might end up realizing that counseling helped you make the decision that you yourself wouldn't have. You need a safe place ( person ) to speak to.

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I want to try and make this work but it's just not fair. How do I do both? Recover from cheating and also work on the issuses in the marriage?

 

First, I am sorry this happened to you. No one deserves the hurt an A brings. But, this is a good place you've found. Most everyone here has been or is going through the same kind of thing.

 

 

No, it is not fair. Nothing about it is fair. Recovering, reconciling, is quite different from working on the M issues. Separate them.

 

 

However, she must work on BOTH of these. The M and the reconcile takes BOTH of you. If she is not putting the work into it, the same as you, it will not work.

 

 

Marriage is a partnership. That means more than one.

 

 

But, regarding the recovery, she must do the heavy work. She broke the vows. There were many ways to work on M problems without turning to an A. Now matter how she may excuse it, that was wrong, wrong, wrong! There is nothing she can do or say to make that alright. You did not cause it regardless of any M issues.

 

 

Counseling for both of you, and individually, will help. But, again, she has to put equal effort into the A, and majority effort into recovery.

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I can help but feel bitter because she went out and had fun and I'm stuck dealing with this bull****.

 

This is very normal. And it wont' go away any time soon. If you were not bitter, you did not care anyway. Bitterness, anger, hurt, rage, frustration, desperation, pain, are some of the many things you will feel. It will be an emotional roller-coaster for a long time. But if you both are committed, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

It takes 2 - 5 years to recover from an A. Though you will never be the same, nor will the M. But, you don't want the M to be the same anyway. It was not working. So, different can be good for the M.

 

 

This is so fresh for you right now. You will not feel better about this for a looooong time. Be ready for that. And there is no fast track.

 

 

Just know that a commitment from both sides is mandatory to make recovery/reconciling work.

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please dont entertain thoughts of a revenge affair. In your case many a mans eyes will wander

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Me and my wife have been having problems for the past year, she said I wasn't affectionate enough, I don't tell her I love her enough, pretty much that she wasn't getting enough energy from me.

 

A husband can’t compete with the energy level of a new guy whose sole goal is to get into his wife pants. The new guy doesn’t have to deal with things like a new baby. Plus complements mean more when they come from a stranger. Let’s say your mother attends your high school football game. Both she and stranger comment about how well you played. Which complement will impress you more?

 

FYI, she was messing around when she started talking about you not showing affection, that's her way of justifying having the affair.

 

Yep, you can take this to the bank. The other man was feeding her this line too. You didn't deserve a great woman like her.

 

The following was written by a player. Print it and give a copy to your wife.

 

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage.

 

If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

 

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

 

 

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HereNorThere

Dude, you are falling for the oldest trick in the book. So you, a loving husband and father who stuck around to raise his child (despite the fact many men don't) is now in competition for your wife? You weren't meeting her "needs" and all that other stuff? GAG, don't fall for it. That's called blame-shifting.

 

Look man, having some other guy's penis inside of her is not a "need." You don't have to live under the threat of having her cheat again if you aren't kissing her a$s. That is absolutely ridiculous. If she had genuine concerns about the state your marriage, she could have told you and started marriage counselor THEN. You will never, ever, ever be able to compete with new relationship energy. Limerance is completely different than attachment love. If your wife doesn't understand that, she's dangerous at best.

 

Just because a person confesses doesn't mean they aren't still trickle truthing you. Most confessions are usually done to help eliminate some of their guilt OR it was going to come out some other way. Very few are driven by altruism. Trust me, she didn't just grow morals overnight. Keep digging because the ice you're standing is actually a glacier.

 

This is all still new to you, but here some tips:

 

*She needs to carry the burden and blame for what she did. Don't be held hostage or jump through hoops. From this point forward, no more taking the wrap for her. Make her own what she did.

 

*You need to get to the truth. Trust me, literally no cheater tells the truth at first. I would at least have her agree to a polygraph test. It's a good way to gauge what percentage of truth you've been getting. If this is what she admitted to, the truth is probably really, really bad.

 

*DNA test. Sorry, but you can't trust her. Just do it.

 

* In dating, the rule is always "To get a girl, you have to be willing to lose a girl" and really marriage is not different. If she knows you are willing to forgive her and move on without real consequences, she will do it again. She needs to feel the threat of what her life would be like as a single mother.

 

*You really have no proof it stopped.

 

*You need to expose, expose, expose. The other betrayed spouse, friends, family, etc. Not for vengeance, but out of self preservation. There's a very good chance your marriage won't last much longer. The truth needs to come out early so that she can't start spinning a web of lies about you. Trust me, she cares a lot more about herself than she does you. Expect her to turn on you if she it benefits her.

 

*Marriage counseling after she cheated is for suckers. It's just a form of manipulation to help gaslight you into thinking this was your fault. She doesn't need marriage counseling, she needs to quit f*cking other people.

 

* Post nuptial agreement. This marriage is going to fail. Try to get a post-nup if you can.

 

*She's a bad mother. This is something you have to face. She was willing to throw her child's stable home and future in the garbage to bang some rando. Remember that.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Please, read on this forum and others. You are basically making every single rookie mistake you can possibly make right now. You need to turn this around FAST. She thinks you're a doormat and will treat you as such. Until you stand up for yourself, she will disrespect you. And even if you actually work things out with her, just remember that your "prize" is really just some other guy's leftovers. She's dirty. Don't chase her, replace her. Guys don't usually get over this level of betrayal. You're wasting the best of years of your life for nothing.

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LonerStoner
First you need time to decide if it's something you even want to continue. This s h I t is hard, no sense in heading down the road only to decide in 8 months they you simply don't want to be married to her anymore.

 

Once you are comfortable in a decision to continue than you will have to tackle ALL the issues. That can't be you blaming everything on her affair or her blaming her affair on you.

 

FYI, she was messing around when she started talking about you not showing affection, that's her way of justifying having the affair.

 

 

I want desperately to make our marriage work. I just don't know if I can get past feeling like this. This is the worst thing you can do to someone you love.

 

 

I know for sure she was messing around at the time we had the convo. Outside of a suspect text message that she cleaned up and a gut feeling that I can explain I had no clue. She came home from work on time, she wasn't always in her phone, she didn't change the way she treated me. Everything was pretty much the same. We work different hours so that's when she had the time to cheat

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LonerStoner
First, I am sorry this happened to you. No one deserves the hurt an A brings. But, this is a good place you've found. Most everyone here has been or is going through the same kind of thing.

 

 

No, it is not fair. Nothing about it is fair. Recovering, reconciling, is quite different from working on the M issues. Separate them.

 

 

However, she must work on BOTH of these. The M and the reconcile takes BOTH of you. If she is not putting the work into it, the same as you, it will not work.

 

 

Marriage is a partnership. That means more than one.

 

 

But, regarding the recovery, she must do the heavy work. She broke the vows. There were many ways to work on M problems without turning to an A. Now matter how she may excuse it, that was wrong, wrong, wrong! There is nothing she can do or say to make that alright. You did not cause it regardless of any M issues.

 

 

Counseling for both of you, and individually, will help. But, again, she has to put equal effort into the A, and majority effort into recovery.

 

 

 

 

She's really supportive when I have my moments. I know getting over something like this takes time. Its just so hard. When I am really in a funk I try to look at the bright side if it really is one. She did tell me about the affair because she claimed to love me and because she felt guilty. I got some trickle truth but eventually it all came out. I'm pretty sure there's details missing, but I feel like in all affairs the BS is always left feeling like they only got 10% of what actually happened.

 

 

She claimed to love me, still be in love with me and also attracted to me but she felt like something was missing. I still don't understand how you can truly love someone and do this to them. I will never understand that concept.

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LonerStoner

Thanks for this reply.

 

 

Dude, you are falling for the oldest trick in the book. So you, a loving husband and father who stuck around to raise his child (despite the fact many men don't) is now in competition for your wife? You weren't meeting her "needs" and all that other stuff? GAG, don't fall for it. That's called blame-shifting.

 

 

She said she realizes she was wrong and she had no right to do what she did. She said she wasn't happy and was missing something, which is no excuse. She claims she doesn't know why it happened it just happened. I am still pressing this issue with her, I told her this type of thing just doesn't happen and I will not accept this answer. She needs to tell me what in her mind made it okay to do this.

 

Look man, having some other guy's penis inside of her is not a "need." You don't have to live under the threat of having her cheat again if you aren't kissing her a$s. That is absolutely ridiculous. If she had genuine concerns about the state your marriage, she could have told you and started marriage counselor THEN. You will never, ever, ever be able to compete with new relationship energy. Limerance is completely different than attachment love. If your wife doesn't understand that, she's dangerous at best.

 

Just because a person confesses doesn't mean they aren't still trickle truthing you. Most confessions are usually done to help eliminate some of their guilt OR it was going to come out some other way. Very few are driven by altruism. Trust me, she didn't just grow morals overnight. Keep digging because the ice you're standing is actually a glacier.

 

 

She confessed and blocked him on her phone, facebook, and instagram and also shut down all her social media accounts. After she block his number he kept calling from strange numbers so she changed her number. I do not think they are still in contact

 

This is all still new to you, but here some tips:

 

*She needs to carry the burden and blame for what she did. Don't be held hostage or jump through hoops. From this point forward, no more taking the wrap for her. Make her own what she did.

 

*You need to get to the truth. Trust me, literally no cheater tells the truth at first. I would at least have her agree to a polygraph test. It's a good way to gauge what percentage of truth you've been getting. If this is what she admitted to, the truth is probably really, really bad.

 

*DNA test. Sorry, but you can't trust her. Just do it.

 

* In dating, the rule is always "To get a girl, you have to be willing to lose a girl" and really marriage is not different. If she knows you are willing to forgive her and move on without real consequences, she will do it again. She needs to feel the threat of what her life would be like as a single mother.

 

*You really have no proof it stopped.

 

*You need to expose, expose, expose. The other betrayed spouse, friends, family, etc. Not for vengeance, but out of self preservation. There's a very good chance your marriage won't last much longer. The truth needs to come out early so that she can't start spinning a web of lies about you. Trust me, she cares a lot more about herself than she does you. Expect her to turn on you if she it benefits her.

 

*Marriage counseling after she cheated is for suckers. It's just a form of manipulation to help gaslight you into thinking this was your fault. She doesn't need marriage counseling, she needs to quit f*cking other people.

 

* Post nuptial agreement. This marriage is going to fail. Try to get a post-nup if you can.

 

*She's a bad mother. This is something you have to face. She was willing to throw her child's stable home and future in the garbage to bang some rando. Remember that.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Please, read on this forum and others. You are basically making every single rookie mistake you can possibly make right now. You need to turn this around FAST. She thinks you're a doormat and will treat you as such. Until you stand up for yourself, she will disrespect you. And even if you actually work things out with her, just remember that your "prize" is really just some other guy's leftovers. She's dirty. Don't chase her, replace her. Guys don't usually get over this level of betrayal. You're wasting the best of years of your life for nothing.

 

 

I don't think she thinks I am a door mat and I have stood up for myself. I don't want to make it seem like im putting her on a pedestal but she has been trying to fix things. How I feel has nothing to do with what she's currently doing. I just find it extremely hard and almost impossible to deal with being cheated on and trying to fix a marriage at the same time. I feel like even if she was completely perfect and did everything she's "supposed" to do after an affair I would still be left feeling like this. It's just a tough situation to be put in.

 

Yes the marriage had issue that need to be fix but now we have an even bigger issue to tackle on top of the initial issues.

 

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welcome to the bs club..it really blows, and none of us want to be members, but her we are...

 

I am so sorry you found yourself in this position, especially as you have a new son. I can feel the pain in your words.

 

Given the details of your situation, I would recommend you go your separate ways. I don't like saying that, but she simply isn;t trustworthy, and it doesn't sound a if she has any insight into her behavior at all. What's going to happen the next time she feels lonely/ sad/ unappreciated/ etc.? ( btw, those are all just excuses).

 

Some ws can"reform", butt hat takes a lot of effort and hard work on their part. Do you think your wife has that in her?

 

btw, her crap about not telling you because she didn't want to hurt you? What frigging turnip truck does she think you just fell off of? She didn't tell you because she didn't want to get caught.

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LonerStoner

Thanks for you advice! I'm torn part of me wants to stay and the other half is just over it. I know it's not my fault this happened but I do feel like the issue in the marriage were duE to me Not being able to show my affection as much. She is a very affectionate person as well as her family. Me on the other hand...I wasn't raised like that. My mother barely told me she love me or hugged. She was a good mother just not affectionate. No excuses but I didn't really know how to be affectionate. I show my affection through doing thougtful things for her.

 

What details would you like?

 

welcome to the bs club..it really blows, and none of us want to be members, but her we are...

 

I am so sorry you found yourself in this position, especially as you have a new son. I can feel the pain in your words.

 

Given the details of your situation, I would recommend you go your separate ways. I don't like saying that, but she simply isn;t trustworthy, and it doesn't sound a if she has any insight into her behavior at all. What's going to happen the next time she feels lonely/ sad/ unappreciated/ etc.? ( btw, those are all just excuses).

 

Some ws can"reform", butt hat takes a lot of effort and hard work on their part. Do you think your wife has that in her?

 

btw, her crap about not telling you because she didn't want to hurt you? What frigging turnip truck does she think you just fell off of? She didn't tell you because she didn't want to get caught.

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Hi all...I've been lurking around this board for few months now. Thought I'd share my story...

 

Me and my wife have been having problems for the past year, she said I wasn't affectionate enough, I don't tell her I love her enough, pretty much that she wasn't getting enough energy from me. Mind you we just had a baby, he's about 1.5 years old. So there has been a lot going on.

 

Justifying her affair. Typical cheater speak

 

Once she told me this of course I tried to rectify the situation. This was around January early February when we had the convo. Fast forward to the end of March she told me she was having affair for about 2 month. Of course I didn't get the whole truth right away, I had to pry it out of her. She had sex with the guy a couple of times and talked everyday. I was devastated, because despite my flaws I made up for it in other ways but that didn't seem to matter. We are in MC currently.

 

Probably lies. Admitted twice = a lot more, you never get the full truth

 

Right now I just feel very overwhelmed. Idk how to deal with the hurt of being cheated on as well as work on the things that were wrong in the marriage. It's all too much. She have been very remorseful and comforts me when needed. She did confess to the affair without me snoping because she felt bad. But I can't help but feel like I'm left to pick up all the pieces myself. I say this because I'm still hurting because of what she did but then I still feel obligated work on the things that were wrong in the first place. I can help but feel bitter because she went out and had fun and I'm stuck dealing with this bull****.

 

Typical blameshifting. She's not perfect either but did you have an affair on her because of it?

I want to try and make this work but it's just not fair. How do I do both? Recover from cheating and also work on the issuses in the marriage?

 

This is nothing special. Typical affair. She cheats because she wants to and blames you.

 

Better wake up!!!

 

I got news for you. The affair is all on her. She should be carrying the heavy load not you.

 

No marriage is perfect and you own your share but you didn't drive her to cheat. She made the decision to do that because she wanted to.

 

If they are still in conract the affair will continue?

 

Do they work together?

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The first thing you should know is that the people here have been through this and they know what they are talking about.

 

So when HereNorThere says get a DNA test do on your son, brother you need to do that yesterday.

 

At this point you really have no idea what she is capable of doing. And you really have no idea if he is your son. So if he is, you can think about reconciliation if you want to. But right now you really don't know what to think.

 

Next, you need a polygraph on her. You need to find out if she has had any other affairs that you don't know about. Again, you really don't know.

 

If she refuses a poly, you kind of have your answer, don't you.

 

Then if all of the above works out, Then you can decide if you want to R. The fact of the matter is this is a really early affair in the marriage, really early, it happens, but not often. So you will always be faced with the possibility of her cheating again later down the road. Is that something you want to deal with?

 

And frankly, you guys have not been together very long, it might be better to cut your loses and get out now and start a new life.

 

And please, do not for a second think that because of your issues with affection that any of this crap is your fault because it is not. She had other choices to work through this with you, no one put a gun to her head and made her cheat. That was 100% on her and you had nothing to do with that decision that SHE made...

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I am sorry you are faced with this. She was unhappy and was missing something so she cheated with another man. Tell her that now you are unhappy and you feel like something very important is missing in the marriage. Ask her what she thinks you should do to compensate for these feelings. She had an answer for the way she felt, and now you are asking for an answer for how you feel. For real, ask her. The wayward spouse seems to never put themselves in the shoes of the one they are cheating on. They really have no way of truly feeling how much damage they have done to the psyche of the one they are suppose to love. I think she is truly sorry and only you know if you have the love for her and the fortitude it will take to get by this. You have to consider that you are not to blame for the affair but you are responsible to show your wife that you love and appreciate her, everyday. I made some of your mistakes in the early years of my marriage and we had to face some of the challenges that you now face. It can be overcome and if you work at it you can have a marriage that will be stronger and a love that will hold fast. We have now been married for over 50 years and everyday I hold and kiss my wife, several times a day, tell her how much I love and appreciate her. After our troubles, we embarked on a honeymoon that is still going today. The secret is love and honest communication, everyday. Talk to her and ask her how she would feel if she was faced with what you feel. On a lighter side, I had a friend whose wife had an affair. He told her that under the circumstances she owed him sex with another women, the same number of times she had. He told her that he would never collect on the debt as long as there remained only two people in their marriage. They are still together and he has never collected on her debt. Remember, the key to a good marriage is love and honest communication from both of you. I do wish you well.

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I just find it extremely hard and almost impossible to deal with being cheated on and trying to fix a marriage at the same time

 

 

Do not sacrifice focusing on you getting better and then also trying to deal with being cheated on by diverting efforts to fix the marriage.

 

My suggestion is for you to make you and your child the top priority right now…If working on the marriage is interfering with your building yourself back up then the work on fixing the marriage is going to have to wait…You may be tempted to compromise with her because you are hurting so bad and want some relief; resist that temptation…There is no way you are going to get rid of the hurt this year so strive to build up your self-esteem and do not be side tracked by your wife’s issues and responsibilities.

 

You are in a battle for your emotional health and you cannot depend on your wife to help you with that; if she does then fine but you have to invest yourself in someone that you can trust most and that would be you…If you can get professional help and from your family, friends, and faith. Also, find someone that has been cheated on and has had a successful R or D for years and get their information so that you can take what is best for you.

 

The bottom line is for you to work on getting to a stage where you can live with her or without her and not be in constant pain. Make sure that you make yourself number one because you care more for you than she cares for you.

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Hi Lonerstoner, guess you are caught in a situation of being placed between a rock and a hard place. I am sorry if I missed it but I wanted to ask you how long have you been married? Also how old are you and your wife? It is early days right now so it is understandable that you are faced with conflicting emotions. You have been given good advice by folks on here and you should take your time to reflect on it all before you decide on a course of action. One thing is certain. Do not commit to reconciliation with your wife right now. Keep the option of divorce with you. Your wife's actions from here on out will determine whether she is prepared to make the effort to actually repair the marriage.. Both of you have to work to heal the marriage but her work load is much much more than yours. Her commitment to the marriage will reflect in her actions going forward.

 

I also wanted to ask you if you know who her AP was? Is he married? If so have you thought of informing his BS about the affair? Was it a workplace affair or was he an outsider? If it was a workplace affair and this guy was your wife's superior you may like to report him to the company.

 

Remember to look after yourself, eat properly, exercise and in general try and do things which make you feel good. Take your time about your future course of action and do not commit one way or another to your wife as to what your future plans are. Warm wishes.

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Superchicken

It gets worse now, as I have my say !...

 

 

Loner, you currently have a dead "Fish" .

It stinks a little now, but wait. Every day that stench will eat away you fresh air, and regardless on how you "Dress" it, "Hide" it, tell yourself its a "Rose", its still a DEAD FISH, and the smell will linger until you throw it away.

 

 

She freakin had Sex with another man, and more than once.

They weren't playing peanuckle during their many encounters.

 

 

Did she comfort you then ?, also did she say she "Loved you" ?. NO, but, then she went back to this guy (And Possibly others, did you think of that ?) and continued to "Love you", and comfort you from the other guys bedroom, while allowing another man to DO HER !.

 

 

I'm sorry, salvage what ?. I can possibly see it, if it happened (Sex) once, and she fessed up like right away, but she didn't.

 

 

She went back for more, again, and again, and again, and again.

 

 

But hey, she loved you right ?, and she wanted the marriage to work so she showed another man some new sex tricks, just to stay up to speed in case you wanted some sex. .

Mind you, she couldn't say she was cheating then, because she had something else in her mouth preventing her from talking.

 

 

Yeah, what I said was crass, but its not a lie.

 

 

The LEAST you should do, is to leave for a while, and think it out on your own, without her there.

I believe you think you cant get anyone else, and is why your hanging on to the threads of a destroyed marriage, and again, that SHE destroyed.

You can, and there's plenty of guys here that did it, and are happy again with new women in their lives.

 

 

Leave her, and look at your options.

 

 

Cause at the moment, it looks like you lying down in front of your front door !.

If you decide to give it another try, you will at least show you took some decent action by leaving her.

 

 

She loves you dude....What utter CRAP !.:sick:

 

 

And MC my ASS !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

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Why do you think she sticks around? "Supports" you after being with another man multiple times while you all have a very young child. Tells you that you're inadequate while having an affair with another man. Being very cautious and careful while she's doing it. Then unleashes the info on you because she's feeling "guilty".

 

And you're wondering how you can fix it. Fix yourself.

 

Look at it from her true perspective.

 

This is a calculating woman.

 

What do you think is really on her mind?

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i fully agree with user above me, you are not a bad guy and was working for your relationship and still your wife disgraced you like this. i say one cannot clap with one hand, your wife was equally if not more responsible for the relationship.

 

to be honest leave her, yu maybe fortunate to leave her early before she brings life time of misery and leave you alone when you are too old to seek other relations.

Edited by hammyy2k
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DNA paternity test is a must.

 

How did WW meet the OM?

 

How do you know there is NC between the OM and your WW?

 

Is the OM in a relationship and does his GF/wife know about

the affair?

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LonerStoner

Thanks for commenting. No they are not in contact with each other as of now. She blocked him on all social media, she also ended up changing her number because he would not stop calling. So if I do catch her in contact with him there will be no way of out. There could be no way he could get her number unless she gave it to him. And I also check her phone for hidden texting apps and she is very open with her phone.

 

 

This is nothing special. Typical affair. She cheats because she wants to and blames you.

 

Better wake up!!!

 

I got news for you. The affair is all on her. She should be carrying the heavy load not you.

 

No marriage is perfect and you own your share but you didn't drive her to cheat. She made the decision to do that because she wanted to.

 

If they are still in conract the affair will continue?

 

Do they work together?

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LonerStoner

Thanks for your reply

 

 

The first thing you should know is that the people here have been through this and they know what they are talking about.

 

So when HereNorThere says get a DNA test do on your son, brother you need to do that yesterday.

 

 

I don't need a DNA test, he is my son. I know this for sure.

 

At this point you really have no idea what she is capable of doing. And you really have no idea if he is your son. So if he is, you can think about reconciliation if you want to. But right now you really don't know what to think.

 

Next, you need a polygraph on her. You need to find out if she has had any other affairs that you don't know about. Again, you really don't know.

 

If she refuses a poly, you kind of have your answer, don't you.

 

 

I don't think I would do a polygraph, if it comes down this I think I would rather just get a divorce.

 

Then if all of the above works out, Then you can decide if you want to R. The fact of the matter is this is a really early affair in the marriage, really early, it happens, but not often. So you will always be faced with the possibility of her cheating again later down the road. Is that something you want to deal with?

 

 

This is true. This will always be in the back of my head regardless of how long we were married. This is just the risk of reconciliation. It sucks but I guess this is why people say its never the same after someone cheats.

 

And frankly, you guys have not been together very long, it might be better to cut your loses and get out now and start a new life.

 

And please, do not for a second think that because of your issues with affection that any of this crap is your fault because it is not. She had other choices to work through this with you, no one put a gun to her head and made her cheat. That was 100% on her and you had nothing to do with that decision that SHE made...

 

 

You are correct.

 

 

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