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I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 2nd July 2017, 11:47 AM   #46
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Kudos to you for stepping up to do the right thing and recommitting to your marriage.
Unfortunately, you have a partner who is not holding up her end of the deal to recommit to the marriage. at this point, she has absolutely no right to be upset that you won't kiss her when she is still in contact with the other man. It takes two to reconcile and have a healthy marriage. Until she decides to do that, you can be the best husband and father that you can be but there may not be much you can do...
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Old 2nd July 2017, 11:55 AM   #47
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For the record, I don't believe that there is anything you could ever have done that would push your partner to have an affair. If you were a slob and she was unhappy, she had other options to deal with the situation rather than cheat. She chose to have this affair - that is on her. It is definitely not your fault.

Live with integrity - be a good man, a kind husband, and a responsible father... You should not have to "woo" her back from another man. This won't earn her respect. Set some healthy boundaries for your marriage, and if she doesn't make the decision to end contact with the other man and recommit to you... then be prepared to make some hard decisions. Good luck to you.

Last edited by BaileyB; 2nd July 2017 at 12:07 PM..
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Old 2nd July 2017, 1:33 PM   #48
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She refuses to completely break it off with the OM
And that's why you can't passionately or lustfully kiss your wife!

There's absolutely no point in even trying to reconnect with her or try to fix your marriage as long as the OM is still in her life.

You don't have to divorce right now but you should give some thought to separating and getting her out of the house once she's healed from her surgery. It's unfair to you and the kids that she gets to have her cake and eat it too. Life doesn't work that way and your kids aren't stupid, they must be picking up on the energy vibes in the house.

She has a decision to make as do you. Don't allow this to go on all summer otherwise you all will be miserable.
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Old 2nd July 2017, 2:17 PM   #49
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Having read your other thread, it's clear this was an exit affair for her. After trying for twenty years to get you to grow up and be responsible, and getting nothing but the cold shoulder and disrespect from you when she tried, she threw in the towel. While an affair is never right, some people prefer a soft landing when leaving a relationship. It should be no surprise to you that she's in this camp. You were her soft landing 22 years ago. She was living with another man when you guys started dating and began your relationship. She ultimately picked you over the guy she had been living with.

Given your long history together, I understand her hesitancy at this point to recommit and give you another chance. It wasn't until you had clearly lost her that you made any effort to change...too little, too late. Who's to say you won't revert to previous patterns as soon as you feel the relationship is stabilized.

Continue with the changes you're making. Whether your marriage survives or not, they're definitely needed. You needed to grow up. Your kids need a responsible parent who sets boundaries and gives them structure (set bedtimes so they aren't tired in school, getting their homework done, etc.) A Peter Pan parent who plays 14 hours of video games day in and day out may be fun, but that's not really parenting.

As for your marriage, sitting in limbo is not good for anyone involved. The two of you need to have a serious talk about whether you are going to try to salvage your marriage or not. You both need to make a decision. If you mutually agree to give things another try, then as part of that agreement, the OM has got to go, and you should both commit to marriage counseling. If you're going to rebuild your marriage then transparency becomes important in rebuilding trust. So does respect for each other...and that goes both ways.
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Old 2nd July 2017, 3:48 PM   #50
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If she's hurting you bad, and while doing it she says she's sorry for hurting you, it's a contradiction. It's an oxymoron.

Because the key to stop hurting you in in her hands, by taking a decision in or out. And by dragging her decision for so long, she's proving she doesn't care about you at all. She doesn't give a damn.

Your first interest is to take care of yourself. In order to be a good father you must grow balls, that is how your kids will admire you even more when the grow. Your second (wrong to my humble opinion) interest is to have her back to monogamy with you.

Lucky you, for both different interests, you need to do the same thing - to put an end to it today. Not tomorrow, TODAY!

1. Stop talking to her. Ghost her completely (except from short communication about the children)
2. Tell her today that it's over for good, and you're done!
3. Ask her to leave. Set a date with an attorney asap.
4. Detach from her in any aspect you can.

If you have any chance to end her confusion, this is the only way. Because she can't do it apparently.
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Old 2nd July 2017, 4:00 PM   #51
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Why would you want to be intimate with someone who is still going around with another guy?

First , you have mind images and second, he is STILL there. Give yourself a break.

You pushed her to breaking point but she still had a choice !
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Old 2nd July 2017, 6:49 PM   #52
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op,

I will say this once. YOU DID NOT CAUSE YOUR WIFE TO CHEAT! Stop blaming yourself for someone elses behavior, as you can't control what another adult does.
Your wife cheated because she wanted to, and you know this in your gut. This could be part of why you find it so hard to be intimate with her. Your heart is protecting itself.

Along with all of this, she refuses to break things off with her om. It's no wonder you don't want to be intimate with her. That's just plain gross.

I am not trying to be flip, and I know you are really hurting and trying to find your way. It does sound like you are working hard on yourself. Keep that up, but not for your wife. Do it for yourself and your children. Be the best dad you can be, and that investment will pay great rewards.

btw...see a lawyer asap. I'm not saying this because divorce is inevitable, but because the more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make.
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Old 2nd July 2017, 7:18 PM   #53
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I'm not reading the back story yet, but she had a choice to leave you before having an affair.

No way would I tolerate her still being with her OM. I think it makes you look weak and she has no right expecting you to kiss her while she's not committed to the marriage.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 9:33 PM   #54
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Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart. I realize I have not been a great partner, but that doesn't mean I deserve what she has put me through. She is still in contact with the OM and is being sneaky. I do not trust her. I think it's over. I am cutting off all physical contact with her and getting a lawyer to see what my options are. I absolutely hate the thought of losing her, but I fear that time already passed years ago.

I am not perfect, but neither is she. We both deserve happiness, even if it means we aren't together.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 9:45 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by FloatingThroughLife View Post
Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart. I realize I have not been a great partner, but that doesn't mean I deserve what she has put me through. She is still in contact with the OM and is being sneaky. I do not trust her. I think it's over. I am cutting off all physical contact with her and getting a lawyer to see what my options are. I absolutely hate the thought of losing her, but I fear that time already passed years ago.

I am not perfect, but neither is she. We both deserve happiness, even if it means we aren't together.
Indeed. It doesn't seem like she has left you any other choice. It would seem that you have already lost her... Best wishes.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 11:16 PM   #56
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Hi FTL, as BryanP is won't to say "If you don't respect yourself who will"! You can write that in stone. Your last post indicates that you have realized the truth of that statement and are starting to take action accordingly. I think you will do alright. Yes it is painful but you are ensuring that you will be freeing yourself of much pain in the future. Keep at it. Warm wishes.
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Old 4th July 2017, 8:30 AM   #57
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This can not be said enough, you need to respect yourself first.

There will be better days that come. Also remember this.

Your wife has disconnected with you to the point that she can cheat on you. This has been going on for awhile. That is the reason for her behavior. It is going to look like she doesn't care and go along with the divorce. She can turn really mean towards you during this. Or it will wake her up to what she has done and stir up old feelings that she had when you first got together.

Be ready for both and don't give in to either. You are going to want to with the later. You have to wait it out. Those feelings that get stirred up might only be temporary and she will go back to what it is now.

Be ready, strong and most of all RESPECT YOURSELF.
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Old 4th July 2017, 9:07 AM   #58
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Originally Posted by FloatingThroughLife View Post
My original post is here if you want back story: I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

The tl;dr is that I am a man-child and my wife got fed up and had an affair.

Over the last several weeks I have put things in overdrive. Video game playing is extremely rare, I am spending more constructive time with the kids (like teaching them how to do chores), and I am taking care of 90% of the housework while my wife recovers from a surgery.

So here is where we are now... She refuses to completely break it off with the OM, and she is still confused about what she wants (whether or not to divorce me). She has said some really nice things, like I am a good father and I don't deserve any of what she has put me through.

OM has her and you are getting breadcrumbs

Deep down I really just want to forget the whole thing and convince her that she should be with me. The problem is, I know she doesn't respect me since she didn't do any of the things I asked (break it off with the OM, get an STD test, show me her phone/social accounts, etc.). Every time I think about kissing her, I can't get it out of my head that her lips were on the OM's mouth and she still can't tell me with 100% certainty she wants to stay with me, and it is killing me.

Your behavior is enabling her. Cake eaters love weakness

Last night I was kissing her goodnight, and I really wanted to give her a longing, lustful kiss, but when I leaned in, I couldn't do it. I gave her a quick peck and left the room. Next thing I know, she's crying. I asked why, and she said she thought I would kiss her in a more passionate way and it really hurt that I didn't. I told her that I wanted to, but every time I think about kissing her, touching her, being loving and caring toward her, I think about her and the OM and I can't get past it. I told her to put herself in my shoes and see how she felt. She seemed to understand, but who knows.

Why are you even around her at this time? She stepped out of the marriage. Playing the pick me dance and trying to nice her back always pushes them farther away

So now I really don't know what to do... Do I just buckle down and try to swoon her, no matter how much it hurts me? Make her try and fall in love with me again? Or do I just wait for her to come to me? I told her I wouldn't be going anywhere and I will support her in whatever way she needs, but this is so hard.
Your actions say "I'm ok with whatever you and your boyfriend want to do with me? Really?
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Old 7th July 2017, 6:37 PM   #59
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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
op,

I will say this once. YOU DID NOT CAUSE YOUR WIFE TO CHEAT! Stop blaming yourself for someone elses behavior, as you can't control what another adult does.
Your wife cheated because she wanted to, and you know this in your gut. This could be part of why you find it so hard to be intimate with her. Your heart is protecting itself.

Along with all of this, she refuses to break things off with her om. It's no wonder you don't want to be intimate with her. That's just plain gross.

I am not trying to be flip, and I know you are really hurting and trying to find your way. It does sound like you are working hard on yourself. Keep that up, but not for your wife. Do it for yourself and your children. Be the best dad you can be, and that investment will pay great rewards.

btw...see a lawyer asap. I'm not saying this because divorce is inevitable, but because the more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make.

Sometimes a WS has been pushed to the limit of not caring about their marriage anymore by their BS...now is it a healthy way to handle a unhappy marriage, absolutely not but in some marriages a BS has to own the break down of the marriage. Which he's doing & that's not a bad thing! Actually it's refreshing to finally read a BS that understands he has been very much part of the problem. Affairs are the symptom of a bigger issues going on.

OP...it's awesome for reconciliation that you're owning that the break down of the marriage is partly your fault but that doesn't mean you should be treated like a doormat...she needs to respect you & right now she doesn't. Be the man you want her to respect. You need to tell her "as long as your still seeing this man, we're going to have to start separation proceedings". Only two things can happen, she stops & you two can work towards reconciliation or it's over...either way you won't be stuck in limbo anymore & you can gain your respect back, if not to her at least to yourself. Good luck
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Old 8th July 2017, 12:49 AM   #60
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Well, at least I know where to wipe my feet now.


Your wife is still cheating, and doesn't want to give it up.


Honestly, I don't see why others are giving you advice, because you haven't taken it the first time.
So, I'm outa here !.




Ted.
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