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I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th June 2017, 2:32 AM   #16
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Hi FTL, I am sorry to see you here. After reading your OP and other posts and those of the other posters I have the following observations.
a) Apparently you did your best to kill your marriage over s protracted period of time.
b) Your wife tried to reach out to you several times over the course of many years but you were too obtuse to recognize her efforts at getting through to you or of acknowledging what she was trying to convey to you.
c) Your wife finally gave up trying to be part of the team and decided to live for herself. With your blinders on, you thought that was a good thing.
d) She started an affair which is what finally woke you up to the reality that your marriage was in imminent danger of collapsing.
e) In a panic you gave her an ultimatum in the form of a letter which she basically used as toilet paper. You also tried to turn over a new leaf by doing all those things that your wife had been asking you to participate in for all those years. However, it was apparently too little too late.

The way I see it is that you did your best to kill the marriage and you succeeded AND she made the dastardly choice of choosing to cheat on you. From where I view things it seems to me that this affair of your wife is an exit affair. She is done with you and the marriage and there is nothing that you can do about it at this stage. Your best course of action is to accept this decision of hers and plan your future without her. Get your ducks in a row as they say, contact a good divorce lawyer and find out your rights. You may not get full custody of the children but you could get 50 50 custody at the least and ensure that she does not move out of state so that you have the 50% access to your children.

You were wrong but so is your wife. She cannot occupy a high moral ground and dictate to you. If required let it be a bitter divorce but see that you get your equal share of rights to your children. As far as thinking that you can save your marriage, well I guess that ship sailed long ago. Warm wishes.
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Old 19th June 2017, 4:19 AM   #17
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I think you are correct you are a man child and you know deep down that you can't keep up the role of good father and husband long term. It is boring and no fun.

It will be too hard for you to do, so a big part of you wants her to go off home to her family, you want her to get full custody and live miles away (the further away the better) so that you can then do what you want to do with your own life.
You can then play the benevolent Dad who shows up for birthdays, holidays and other "fun" times.
Whilst she alone (or with her new man) does all the hard work of raising the kids.
Being handed full custody of your kids for you would be your worst nightmare.

YOU know if you stay in this marriage, that the days of 14 hour video game sessions are over and that you will now be expected to step up to the plate and that your manipulation and stonewall tactics will no longer work, so you are facing some real hard graft and I guess you would rather not do that.

We here can get all het up on your behalf, "She can't take your kids","You need to fight for them", "You can't give up and let another man raise your kids", but that isn't really what you want to do, is it?

I could be wrong?
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Old 19th June 2017, 6:04 AM   #18
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I'm not even reading anything but your title here. As long as you take all the blame here for her cheating you are going to be walking on egg shells if you stay with her.

No matter what you did or did not do, she had the option of leaving you if you were that bad. Instead she chose to hop in the sack with another man and that is on her 100% not you.

Until you insist he own that, you are just going to play the pick me dance and that rarely ends well
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Old 19th June 2017, 6:23 AM   #19
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Here's another guy full of brilliance. Comes here for advice any recommendations from the good people of LS give so freely to you.? How is that going to things better.?! He wants to fight with us but not his wife seriously first things first you got to learn how to become a man.! You coming off a week and acting the way you are. Also playing the pick me dance is making you so unattractive you're not going to have a chance in hell. Be advised start applying the advice from here.! Remember OP everyone here is either going through Or has gone through the same hell that you are in right now so just remember that.! They know what they're talking about. You came here for advice didn't you.?
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Old 19th June 2017, 8:51 AM   #20
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When I came to LS, I didn't know what to expect. I was airing my grievances and pitying myself. The truth is, I have no idea what to do now. I've re-read all of your posts a dozen times now. Thank you to all for giving me advice.

Obviously there are only two options.

1. She stays with me.

I'll put in all the effort and support the family deserves, I'll try and forgive her for cheating on me, and we move past this and become stronger as a family.

If she stays, your advice to me is to put on my big boy pants, do my part, give up the video games. I get all that. It's all good advice. It's what needs to be done.

2. She leaves.

Either she moves out alone, or in with the OM. She has already told me she would do a better job raising the kids on her own.

I've read many stories that say kids should have a place they call home. She has said she doesn't want to do a week on/week off thing. If I'm fighting for 50% custody, how does that work? Is that really better for the kids? Should we let the kids have any say in it? What if they don't want to live in a tiny apartment with mommy?

How do I stop being weak? I tried that and she shot it all down. I asked her to break it off, I asked her to show me her phone, I asked her to stop going out with her friends late at night so we could rebuild our marriage. She hasn't done those things. So what now? Just brush them aside and hope she comes crawling back to me anyway? Threaten with divorce? I don't even want that, and if she does, then isn't that a terrible tactic to use?

Every one of you says I should get a lawyer. I will.

It's hard to convey all my feelings here. The truth is, I haven't felt any love from her for a long time either. I have been hurting too, I just didn't show it to her. But I'd still rather fix things than give up. I think us separating would be the worst thing we could possibly do to our kids. My daughter is already showing the same signs of mental health issues that my wife and her side of the family has, and has had suicidal thoughts. I think this might push her closer to that, which is difficult to even fathom.

I guess what I'm really asking is what do I do? Just be the best dad and husband I can be while I wait for her to decide whether or not she's leaving?

You've all given me tough love and wake up calls. Thank you. I want your advice, I really do. I'm just lost.
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Old 19th June 2017, 10:06 AM   #21
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First, I am very sorry you are hurting. I know it is devastating. And know that cheating is NEVER justified. Never.

But here is what I see:

This grown woman chose to date a child. And you have remained a child in many ways, whether she kept you there or your stayed there. At 23, I would have found nothing intriguing about a high school boy, and most healthy woman probably feel the same.

The best thing that could happen for you would be to grow and find the strength of a MAN.
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Old 19th June 2017, 12:23 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by FloatingThroughLife View Post
When I came to LS, I didn't know what to expect. I was airing my grievances and pitying myself. The truth is, I have no idea what to do now. I've re-read all of your posts a dozen times now. Thank you to all for giving me advice.

Obviously there are only two options.

1. She stays with me.

I'll put in all the effort and support the family deserves, I'll try and forgive her for cheating on me, and we move past this and become stronger as a family.

If she stays, your advice to me is to put on my big boy pants, do my part, give up the video games. I get all that. It's all good advice. It's what needs to be done.

2. She leaves.

Either she moves out alone, or in with the OM. She has already told me she would do a better job raising the kids on her own.

I've read many stories that say kids should have a place they call home. She has said she doesn't want to do a week on/week off thing. If I'm fighting for 50% custody, how does that work? Is that really better for the kids? Should we let the kids have any say in it? What if they don't want to live in a tiny apartment with mommy?

How do I stop being weak? I tried that and she shot it all down. I asked her to break it off, I asked her to show me her phone, I asked her to stop going out with her friends late at night so we could rebuild our marriage. She hasn't done those things. So what now? Just brush them aside and hope she comes crawling back to me anyway? Threaten with divorce? I don't even want that, and if she does, then isn't that a terrible tactic to use?

Every one of you says I should get a lawyer. I will.

It's hard to convey all my feelings here. The truth is, I haven't felt any love from her for a long time either. I have been hurting too, I just didn't show it to her. But I'd still rather fix things than give up. I think us separating would be the worst thing we could possibly do to our kids. My daughter is already showing the same signs of mental health issues that my wife and her side of the family has, and has had suicidal thoughts. I think this might push her closer to that, which is difficult to even fathom.

I guess what I'm really asking is what do I do? Just be the best dad and husband I can be while I wait for her to decide whether or not she's leaving?

You've all given me tough love and wake up calls. Thank you. I want your advice, I really do. I'm just lost.
You need your wife to respect you. If she develops respect for you then she will find you attractive again. So you need to be strong in your convictions. That means you have to stand by your expectation that she stop any and all contact with the OM and that she be completely open and honest with you about all of her comings and goings. These are not unreasonable requests. If she isn't willing you don't take her back.

Now she is not going to respect you just because you say she has to, especially not after years and years of you not helping her and sharing the responsibilities of marriage and parenting. Your demands are likely going to be met with a big eff you! That's okay. What you do is you stick to your guns but at the same time you work on your own flaws and on becoming the best version of you that can be.

Continue to take on more responsibilities and do your share or even more than your share of the work in regards to parenting, cleaning, organizing, etc. Even if you don't live with your wife you can still impress her by keeping your own place neat and organized while you also take on the work side of parenting as in making lunches, running kids to their appointments, cooking their dinner, making sure they do homework and take baths and etc. As an aside, all of this might seem like an impossible amount of work to you in the beginning but it will get easier as it becomes a daily routine and as you truly change into a more responsible productive person.

It may take many months of this before your wife begins to see you in a new light. She will not be convinced of anything with just a few days of you being different and that's to be expected. Nobody changes overnight. After months of being new and improved your wife will start believing the changes and gain a newfound respect for you. However while you are making these changes and becoming better she might continue on the affair with the MM in which case you still have no obligation to take her back.

So you might ask what is the point of doing all that work on yourself if you're just going to wind up divorced anyways? Well there are still many rewards. You will have respect for yourself, your kids will think you're awesome and they will greatly benefit by having a mature responsible father to guide them even if he is not married to their mom anymore. Lastly you will be great partner to a new woman someday when you are healed and ready for a new relationship.

Stick to your guns where your wife is concerned.
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Old 19th June 2017, 1:13 PM   #23
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Your marriage is over I believe. it sounds like you need to do a lot of work on yourself. It's fine to be a bit immature, me and my bf are very childish and fun loving in many ways, but we still get **** done. It's not healthy to spend all day playing video games regularly as a grown man when it means ignoring responsibilities. To me that suggests some avoidance, I would advise some counselling.
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Old 19th June 2017, 6:12 PM   #24
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Quote:
I've read many stories that say kids should have a place they call home. She has said she doesn't want to do a week on/week off thing. If I'm fighting for 50% custody, how does that work? Is that really better for the kids? Should we let the kids have any say in it? What if they don't want to live in a tiny apartment with mommy?
You two should have shared custody. The kids will adjust to having two households. You both can be the best co parents to your children. Many divorced couples work it out and have a fair custody arrangement. Talk to a lawyer. Your wife doesn't call the shots here seeing as she was the one who had an affair. Also the OM should not be anywhere near your kids!

How old are your kids? Don't put the decision on them, they are innocent in all this and aren't equipped to deal with adult issues.
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Old 26th June 2017, 11:23 AM   #25
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Also the OM should not be anywhere near your kids!
Serious question here... if we do end up getting divorced with shared custody, how can I possibly have any say in whether or not the OM can be near my kids?
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Old 26th June 2017, 12:02 PM   #26
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Serious question here... if we do end up getting divorced with shared custody, how can I possibly have any say in whether or not the OM can be near my kids?
As an actual FORMAL say? You can't really, unless you can prove he's a criminal or a child molester or something. In some states you can have it written into the divorce that your wife cannot have an unrelated man sleep over at the house when the kids are there, but this can be gotten around by her marrying her boyfriend (and some people do this right away for exactly this reason) Also even if she violates that restriction it can be really hard to get any action taken against her because the courts mostly have bigger things to deal with.

Informally, though, if she's still speaking to you you can try to convince her that contact with this man would be bad for the kids. General social etiquette says not to push new partners on your children because it will confuse and upset them, especially if the relationship doesn't last.

If she stays with him long term then of course they would eventually be in contact.
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Old 26th June 2017, 12:41 PM   #27
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As an actual FORMAL say? You can't really, unless you can prove he's a criminal or a child molester or something. In some states you can have it written into the divorce that your wife cannot have an unrelated man sleep over at the house when the kids are there, but this can be gotten around by her marrying her boyfriend (and some people do this right away for exactly this reason) Also even if she violates that restriction it can be really hard to get any action taken against her because the courts mostly have bigger things to deal with.

Informally, though, if she's still speaking to you you can try to convince her that contact with this man would be bad for the kids. General social etiquette says not to push new partners on your children because it will confuse and upset them, especially if the relationship doesn't last.

If she stays with him long term then of course they would eventually be in contact.
That's what I figured. Thanks. She is still not speaking with me but hopefully we'll get down to brass tacks this week.
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Old 26th June 2017, 3:40 PM   #28
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You need to separate your children from the failed relationship with your wife. From what I read, you spent your time with the kids. They probably think you are the best dad in the world. Why would you take that away from them? Do you know how bad that will mess them up? I am going through the worst emotional pain you can experience BECAUSE of my kids. I am dealing with a lying, cheating wife who thinks I'm the biggest dope on this earth, so that I can make sure that I have at the minimum joint legal and physical custody.


To answer your questions, yes this means one week with Dad, one with Mom. They get stuck with rigid Mom for a week, and get rewarded with hanging out with Dad for another. You helped raise the kids.


You won't have any say in what the former wife does, but again that is a two way street. Go find you a gamer girl. Every person is different. The most important part with joint custody is that both of you will be there for your kids, they won't feel abandoned. Plus, she won't be able to just move them away from you.


It sounds like she is trying to punish you, and guilt you into giving up your kids. You may be many things, but you never walked out on your kids, and you provided for your family. I don't care what she says, that counts.


From one broken man to another, I feel your pain.
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Old 26th June 2017, 3:54 PM   #29
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Wow, you sure aren't giving yourself much credit and are very willing to take the blame for everything going wrong in your marriage. That isn't fair to yourself. I'm not saying you haven't made mistakes and that it's good that you recognize them. But wow.

You go to work every day for your family, you sound like a very loving and caring father, and at worst a decent husband. Are you really thinking your wife will be that much better off without you, just because you don't do your share of the housework? Come on, that is a pretty easy thing to fix.... and it sounds like your wife may have some OCD issues as it comes to the cleaning anyway, are you really that negligent with the housework, or is it more her fault for that too?

Her family doesn't live across the country, her family lives in her house, it's you and her kids. Sure sometimes it's nice to live closer to your parents, but she's a grown adult. You guys have already raised your children past the early years, why does she need to move back for support?

Obviously you can't just magically change your wife's mind, but you need to get it out of yours, that you've broken this marriage single handedly by paying more attention to your kids than to chores. Sounds to me like you are the one paying attention to the things that really matter.
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Old 26th June 2017, 5:33 PM   #30
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I was married to a man child. We didn't have video games issues then, but we had TV issues. He would watch TV 14 hours a day if he could and clean the bathrooom or other chores during commercials. Needless to say, no household 'job' I ever asked him really was done very well at all.

I did the years of pleading, threatening, yelling, asking and telling. I did eventually tell him that I felt like I was more his mommy than his wife - and that mommy had a tough time having sex with her son. He was resentful because he did work and felt that was all he should have to do. His "work day" was done when he walked in the door. Unfortunately, for whatever reason he saw nothing wrong with my workday being from 600 AM to 1000 PM - or later.

I didn't cheat. I wanted to. I was looking for an exit affair, but I didn't have a lot of time.

If you believe your wife, then she did betray her vows and you, but she hasn't cheated. I know it is more than what you would like, but have you been to a bachelor party or strip club in the years you've been together? Have you looked at porn without her knowledge?

If you went out with the fellas and had a woman domthe same things with you, would you want your wife to hold it over your head for eternity?

I do think you did what you could to destroy your marriage ever so slowly. I'm also a former OW and these are classic reasons to cheat. But, as has been pointed out, she made the choice to cross the bridge. You're luckier than some (believe it, or not) in that she isn't trying to gaslight you and lead you on. It probably was an exit affair and a wake up call for her.

You say she is having major surgery and doesn't want to talk about this. I don't know if she has said she doesn't want you around during her recovery, but if she has, YOU NEED TO RESPECT THAT. My exh actually left me and shortly after he did, I was in a car accident. I'm strapped to the board, don't know if I'm okay yet and he shows up and gets into the ambulance....and proceeds to fight with me. Then and there, I made the decision to get a lawyer.

What you can try is telling her you agree to a separation, but you don't want her or you to be romantic with anyone else. You need to develop a friendship and care for each other. That means doing family things together. If she agreees, that means you have to be the planner and organizer.
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