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I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 3rd October 2017, 12:33 PM   #241
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Stop reading her text or monitoring her at all. If you do this your only looking to cause yourself more pain. You already made your decision clear to her. She will continue to play her games regardless of what you do. You could offer to reconcile right now on the spot and she would just go underground with her affair. You already know the truth.

Don't read any notes or letters she gives to you. If she places them in your way just move them. Show her your not interested in anything she says. Plan a time to discuss the divorce. Have a list of all assets at that time and list of accounts. Try to offer a reasonable division of assets and money. If it goes to court and she fights it a judge will ask why she refused. It will get messy for her quickly. My exW played this game when it came for her paying her child support. My xW was read the riot act over her responsibilities.

The more you show her your serious about divorce the better prepared you need to be for things to go sour. I would get a couple of vars. Keep one on you at all times. If she starts any kind of a serious argument with you get your child and leave. Don't allow yourself to be shown as a violent person.

To often women have abused the laws and court system to punish the victim.

To follow up with Blues post. There is a lot of truth it is very rare a person who allowed themselves to be a doormat turned it around so you should be proud of yourself. Your not out of the woods yet so keep working hard to protect yourself and your future.

C
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Old 3rd October 2017, 1:13 PM   #242
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By FloatingThroughLife
After our conversation, my wife sent me an email with her "last words" to me. She said she was sorry about a hundred times for everything. I won't post the whole thing here, but I'll say that there are some redeeming things in the email. It doesn't change anything because they are still just words, but it does at least seem sincere.

I am going to continue the 180 and protect myself as best I can until everything is finalized.
FTL,
You are no longer acting like a door mat, CONGRADULATIONS!!


You are wiser and taking ACTIONS (180 and protect myself) that will result in you becoming more self-sufficient and self-confident. You are moving away from weakness and away from FloatingThoughLife.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:36 PM   #243
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I hear through your words, FTL, the hope that she might be sincerely remorseful at some point, but I think everyone is telling you it would be way TOO SOON to give her that pass now.

I have always had that question, however: When do you decide they really deserve a second chance? All I know is that I did it ALL WRONG and suffered for it because I forgave too soon. It's a good question though...
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Old 3rd October 2017, 8:12 PM   #244
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You would never be anything but a plan B Checkbook to her.

You nor anyone else has to settle for anything
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Old 4th October 2017, 8:09 AM   #245
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Originally Posted by merrmeade View Post
I hear through your words, FTL, the hope that she might be sincerely remorseful at some point, but I think everyone is telling you it would be way TOO SOON to give her that pass now.

I have always had that question, however: When do you decide they really deserve a second chance? All I know is that I did it ALL WRONG and suffered for it because I forgave too soon. It's a good question though...
Yes, tell her she needs six months of IC, be transparent,
live life as an open book, before you will even talk about
recovery.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:11 AM   #246
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Hi FTL, reading your last post was an eye opener much like having an AHA moment. You have revealed a perspective which was not as clearly evident in your previous posts. It is as if you were withholding the harsh truth from the rest of us folks to protect whatever little dignity and grace remained with your wife. In view of this post I must admit that I was probably completely off track in my last post and the opinions and suggestions I made there are completely untenable. The picture of your wife that now emerges is that of a calculating wicked witch, if such creatures ever really existed. The sooner you can erase her from your memory the better for your sanity and well being. She is a deeply flawed personality and sadly, she does not recognize that. I wonder what your ages are presently? My guess is that you ate around 38 or 39 and she is around 45. That would put her bang in the menopausal bandwidth which, in terms of libido and sexiness puts her in an ever downward spiral. I think this may be one of the reasons she is desperately trying to claw her way back to you.

Having said this, I think you have much to look forward to as a single recently divorced man. I guess you yourself would like to attend IC to help you get over this breakdown in your marriage and also to address some of your own issues. I think the more important matter is that before plunging into another relationship that you carry out due diligence to ensure you do not get entrapped in another unhappy marriage. You should go out and enjoy your singlemanship and not be in a hurry to get into anything serious. As Blues says there are plenty of hood ladies out there who would cherish and value the sterling qualities that you would bring to the table and he should know! While it is understandable that you do not want to have anything to do with your stbx wife, in the interests of good co parenting, you will have to learn how to be cordial with her going forward. Warm wishes
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Old 4th October 2017, 8:30 PM   #247
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You are right on the money with our ages.

What I said about my wife is pure speculation. She hasn't ever been to a counselor (despite me asking her to go for years) and that is not an official designation. It is just what I truly believe she is. I asked my mom for an unbiased opinion (I know, by nature it will be biased) but she feels my assessment is correct. Even mutual friends of my wife and I have said that they have tried to talk and reason with my wife for years about not allowing the kids to do chores because they would just do it wrong, and even before the affair they tried to talk her out of her "funk" and to come talk to me first before doing anything she would regret.

I know that my posts are going to be biased, but I am trying to be unbiased with all of you to get the best possible advice I can get. I feel like I have shared what my faults were, and I feel like I have taken ownership of them and worked on them a lot the last few months. The LS community has been my saving grace and I just can't thank you all enough. I feel like a changed man and I can't wait to start a new life for myself and my kids without my wife in it (as much as possible anyway, I know co-parenting will require some contact).

As for dating, I am definitely not ready and not even thinking about that right now. I don't see myself getting involved with another woman for a very long time, probably years. Maybe never again. I really don't know. I have a lot of soul searching to do for myself now.

Last edited by FloatingThroughLife; 4th October 2017 at 8:35 PM..
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Old 10th October 2017, 10:10 AM   #248
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I asked my counselor yesterday if she thinks my wife is a narcissist and if I have been gaslighted throughout our marriage. Obviously she can't really know unless she sees my wife for many sessions 1 on 1, but the few times she has seen my wife, the things that my daughter has said to her, and the things I have said, she feels that my wife is not sophisticated enough to gaslight me, and that it's more likely she has borderline personality disorder and a very low sense of self worth.

She thinks that there was probably some trauma in my wife's childhood and she never really matured emotionally from it. My wife did say something that I still remember on DDay--she said "He asked me things that you never bothered to, and never wanted to know." I'm assuming this is my wife saying I never really asked much about her past. I do know that her father abandoned the family, and she did have problems with bullying in middle and high school and boyfriends that took advantage of her.

It's true that I never really dove deep into talking about my wife's past. I don't really know why, other than I have never been much of a talker.

I don't think any of this is going to change my mind about the divorce, but I wanted to share this because it sounds like the assessment of my wife's behavior was wrong. I do wonder--if my wife had gotten the therapy she needed all these years I asked her to go, would we be in a very different place right now? Would we have had a happy marriage? I will never know.
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Old 10th October 2017, 10:21 AM   #249
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Think about this...

Think about this... Whether you counselor is correct or not. Whether she is BPD or NPD, it really does not matter.

She is a grown woman, and she chose to cheat on you and your marriage and your family. She did that.

She could have said she needed help, she could have filed for divorce, she could have done a lot of things, but she chose to have an affair and disrespect you in the most horrendous way that she could.

What is more, all the while that she is acting like she wants to reconcile the marriage, she puts all the blame for HER affair on you in every possible way.

And let's not forget that she is still sleeping with her boy friend when she is not blowing smoke up your butt.

So whether she is BPD or NPD does it really matter? I don't think that it does.
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Old 10th October 2017, 12:21 PM   #250
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FLT,
Take actions that will benefit YOU!..Your wife has proven that she is not going to help you but is still making free will choices to damage your life.

You have already made the decision to put her out of your life so force yourself to stop thinking about her and keep your distance from her. Save yourself as she and nobody else is going to.
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Old 11th October 2017, 6:03 PM   #251
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Guys, as the house gets closer to being sold, my wife is escalating things. I know to protect myself, I know to keep doing the 180, I know divorce is happening, I know she's scared.

Yesterday she was at OM's apartment for about 6 hours, and then later in the evening she sent me this text:

I know you want me to hurt more than you. Well I do! So much more! You want me to hate myself, well I do!!! You want me to die inside, well I have! I know you love me & you won't face it or me! You want to erase me so you won't even hear my apologies or listen to anything I want to say! You're hurting both of us even more! You wouldn't fight for us in the beginning, you won't fight for us now! If you had made the mistake, I would have NEVER LEFT YOU! NO MATTER WHAT

Funny because on DDay she said she would have left me if I was the one that cheated. I did not respond to the text and haven't spoken with her since.
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Old 11th October 2017, 6:11 PM   #252
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Originally Posted by FloatingThroughLife View Post
Guys, as the house gets closer to being sold, my wife is escalating things. I know to protect myself, I know to keep doing the 180, I know divorce is happening, I know she's scared.

Yesterday she was at OM's apartment for about 6 hours, and then later in the evening she sent me this text:

I know you want me to hurt more than you. Well I do! So much more! You want me to hate myself, well I do!!! You want me to die inside, well I have! I know you love me & you won't face it or me! You want to erase me so you won't even hear my apologies or listen to anything I want to say! You're hurting both of us even more! You wouldn't fight for us in the beginning, you won't fight for us now! If you had made the mistake, I would have NEVER LEFT YOU! NO MATTER WHAT

Funny because on DDay she said she would have left me if I was the one that cheated. I did not respond to the text and haven't spoken with her since.
When are you going to tell he that you know she is lying about every thing. When are you going to tell her you know that she is still screwing the OM?


Or are you going to wait until the divorce is final?
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Old 11th October 2017, 6:13 PM   #253
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Oh, and isn't funny...

Oh, and isn't funny... that she never says how much she loves you?????
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Old 11th October 2017, 6:36 PM   #254
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I really don't know what would be gained from me telling her that I know she's lying. I'd either have to tell her how I know or catch her in a lie, and isn't the 180 basically not trying to stir up any drama and just not care about anything she does or says anyway?
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Old 11th October 2017, 10:10 PM   #255
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I think you are doing good. Keep up the 180 and don't let people chase you out of here for coming here and venting.
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