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I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me


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Old 17th June 2017, 9:30 PM   #1
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I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I guess I just need to get this off my chest. Everything I've been reading over the last few days seems to place all blame on the cheater, but I deserved it. My wife is a good person.

I met my wife when I was 15. We worked together and she thought I was an annoying and dorky teenager, which I was. She was older than me (21 at the time), more mature, and, I guess she just seemed out of my league.

She moved across the country to Arizona for another man who she was dating. She left everything behind for this man to start a new life in the desert. She was with him for many years.

She left the store where we worked together for a long time, and then was transferred back to the store a couple years later. I was now 17, and in her eyes I changed from a dorky teenager to something more. We started being silly at work, joking around, normal stuff. Being in high school, I'm sure you can imagine how cool it would be to date an older woman. I somehow lit a spark between us, and eventually we started to have feelings for each other. We kissed a few times, but nothing more than kissing (not that it matters). She was still living with the man she moved here for.

When she began to have stronger feelings for me, she decided she would break it off with him, for me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was doing something very wrong. If this guy ever found out, I would have had the snot beaten out of me. Not only that, if she did leave him for me, that means now she's staying in Arizona--FOR ME. This is very important to our story.

We dated for the next 6 years. We became very close. We went through a lot together, and she supported me as I went through college and got a great job. We got married and now have two children that make me smile every day.

The early years of their development were incredibly challenging. It took a lot of commitment from both of us, as any parent would know. I felt like I gave it my all, and so did she.

When the kids got older, I felt like I was doing all the kid stuff, and she was doing all the house stuff. I felt like she cared more about having a clean floor than going to our kid's scout meetings or choir practice. This continued for a long time. She never had time for anything. She went to work, then she came home and did house work. There was never any time for fun.

I am a man-child. I fully admit that I am weak, and I hate responsibility. If I have the choice between cleaning the floor or playing video games with the kids, I will choose video games every time. This was never a problem until the kids were old enough to start doing "fun" things that they could appreciate, like scouts, choir, video games, board games, whatever.

This was a point of contention between my wife and I for a long time. I resented her for choosing the house upkeep over us. I realize now that it's completely stupid, because if she doesn't do it, nobody will and we will all suffer.

She tried to tell me this multiple times throughout the years. She'd often have an outbreak and go off on me about it. I'd get defensive and would ignore her for a while until she calmed down. This cycle has been going on for years now. I can't break myself out of it. I'm a selfish ******* that doesn't want to put in the work required to run a family. I don't follow through with bedtime routines with the kids, I let them do whatever they want. Play video games for 14 hours on Saturday? Sure, me too!

Several months ago, I noticed my wife was starting to let the house go. She was hanging out with friends after work (she has never done this as long as I can remember), she was going out and having fun. I was elated. She's finally taking time for herself to do fun things! Who gives a **** about the dirty house, just go have fun! I've been telling her this for years. It finally happened.

Then I realized she was becoming very distant. She's suffered from some form of undiagnosed depression ever since we've been together. She takes medication for it. She has lots of medical problems that give her physical pain. While I should be sympathetic to her needs, hearing about constant aches and pains nearly every day for years makes you stop feeling anything. What will the pain be today, honey? Spin the wheel of pain! I'm an ******* for thinking this way, but I can't help it.

She's always in pain or just dead tired and we rarely have intimacy. When we do, it's not really loving, it's just doing the deed because it's been so damn long since the last time.

Anyway, like I said, she was getting distant. But never in a million years would I have suspected she was cheating on me. She told me last week that she kissed another man. She says that she is having the same feelings with this man that she had with me when we first started dating.

Should I have seen it coming? I don't know, maybe? But I didn't. I never once had an issue of trust with her. We've been together for 22 years and married for 16.

I didn't even know how to process what she told me. It took me a few days to sort it all out in my head. That's when I started reading other people's stories of infidelity and how to deal with it. Should we divorce? Can we make this work? How did this happen?

It's obvious now. I took her for granted all these years, and she finally had enough. She found someone else to love her the way she deserves.

After those few days of sorrow, I grew furious. I wrote out a letter, demanding that she cut off contact with the other man, show me all conversations and pictures on her phone with him, stop going out with her friends late at night, and work on rekindling our marriage.

As soon as I read her the letter, she left for a hotel.

She came back the next day. I said to her "Do you think we can fix our marriage?" She said she did before, but not after my letter.

In my letter I said that I would be a new man. I'd do all the things a good husband and father should do. I've promised them before. She said why should it be any different this time? Because now you know I'm serious? She was right. I'll probably never change. I hate responsibility. Even if I could forgive her, it would always be on my mind that she cheated on me. She said she'd never want to stay with me if I cheated on her. Everything she's said to me since the letter makes it obvious she just wants to leave.

I think I destroyed any last shred of hope there was for keeping our family together. She asked to be alone today for the entire day so that she could take a drive and just think. When she gets back, I don't think she'll be saying she wants to try and work it out. If she does, I have a nearly impossible task ahead of me--to be a man I have never been.

I think she'd be better off with this other man, and have full custody of the kids, and maybe I can see them every other weekend and a month or two in the summer. She should move back across the country where she has family support. She hates that she is away from her family, and she has always longed for us to move back, even though my job would never allow it.

I'm afraid the kids will hate her for ripping them from me and moving, but I think in the end it will be for the best. It will destroy me--seeing pictures of my kids with a new dad, a new family, and a new life that doesn't have me in it. I was 15 when I met her, and these next few months, either trying to change or working through a divorce, are going to be the most difficult months I've ever had in my life.

I'm weak. I'm selfish. I don't deserve her. I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me.
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Old 17th June 2017, 9:45 PM   #2
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I don't really know why I'm posting this. I guess I just need to get this off my chest. Everything I've been reading over the last few days seems to place all blame on the cheater, but I deserved it. My wife is a good person.

I met my wife when I was 15. We worked together and she thought I was an annoying and dorky teenager, which I was. She was older than me (21 at the time), more mature, and, I guess she just seemed out of my league.

She moved across the country to Arizona for another man who she was dating. She left everything behind for this man to start a new life in the desert. She was with him for many years.

She left the store where we worked together for a long time, and then was transferred back to the store a couple years later. I was now 17, and in her eyes I changed from a dorky teenager to something more. We started being silly at work, joking around, normal stuff. Being in high school, I'm sure you can imagine how cool it would be to date an older woman. I somehow lit a spark between us, and eventually we started to have feelings for each other. We kissed a few times, but nothing more than kissing (not that it matters). She was still living with the man she moved here for.

When she began to have stronger feelings for me, she decided she would break it off with him, for me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was doing something very wrong. If this guy ever found out, I would have had the snot beaten out of me. Not only that, if she did leave him for me, that means now she's staying in Arizona--FOR ME. This is very important to our story.

We dated for the next 6 years. We became very close. We went through a lot together, and she supported me as I went through college and got a great job. We got married and now have two children that make me smile every day.

The early years of their development were incredibly challenging. It took a lot of commitment from both of us, as any parent would know. I felt like I gave it my all, and so did she.

When the kids got older, I felt like I was doing all the kid stuff, and she was doing all the house stuff. I felt like she cared more about having a clean floor than going to our kid's scout meetings or choir practice. This continued for a long time. She never had time for anything. She went to work, then she came home and did house work. There was never any time for fun.

I am a man-child. I fully admit that I am weak, and I hate responsibility. If I have the choice between cleaning the floor or playing video games with the kids, I will choose video games every time. This was never a problem until the kids were old enough to start doing "fun" things that they could appreciate, like scouts, choir, video games, board games, whatever.

This was a point of contention between my wife and I for a long time. I resented her for choosing the house upkeep over us. I realize now that it's completely stupid, because if she doesn't do it, nobody will and we will all suffer.

She tried to tell me this multiple times throughout the years. She'd often have an outbreak and go off on me about it. I'd get defensive and would ignore her for a while until she calmed down. This cycle has been going on for years now. I can't break myself out of it. I'm a selfish ******* that doesn't want to put in the work required to run a family. I don't follow through with bedtime routines with the kids, I let them do whatever they want. Play video games for 14 hours on Saturday? Sure, me too!

You own your 50% of the marriage. Do your part!!!!

Several months ago, I noticed my wife was starting to let the house go. She was hanging out with friends after work (she has never done this as long as I can remember), she was going out and having fun. I was elated. She's finally taking time for herself to do fun things! Who gives a **** about the dirty house, just go have fun! I've been telling her this for years. It finally happened.

Then I realized she was becoming very distant. She's suffered from some form of undiagnosed depression ever since we've been together. She takes medication for it. She has lots of medical problems that give her physical pain. While I should be sympathetic to her needs, hearing about constant aches and pains nearly every day for years makes you stop feeling anything. What will the pain be today, honey? Spin the wheel of pain! I'm an ******* for thinking this way, but I can't help it.

She's always in pain or just dead tired and we rarely have intimacy. When we do, it's not really loving, it's just doing the deed because it's been so damn long since the last time.

Anyway, like I said, she was getting distant. But never in a million years would I have suspected she was cheating on me. She told me last week that she kissed another man. She says that she is having the same feelings with this man that she had with me when we first started dating.

Admitting kissing in an affair means sex. Always. Cheaters lie, hide and deny.

Should I have seen it coming? I don't know, maybe? But I didn't. I never once had an issue of trust with her. We've been together for 22 years and married for 16.

I didn't even know how to process what she told me. It took me a few days to sort it all out in my head. That's when I started reading other people's stories of infidelity and how to deal with it. Should we divorce? Can we make this work? How did this happen?

It's obvious now. I took her for granted all these years, and she finally had enough. She found someone else to love her the way she deserves.

Thats no excuse to have an affair. Period. Thats 100% on her

After those few days of sorrow, I grew furious. I wrote out a letter, demanding that she cut off contact with the other man, show me all conversations and pictures on her phone with him, stop going out with her friends late at night, and work on rekindling our marriage.

That's exactly what you should have done. You never allow continued infidelity in your marriage

As soon as I read her the letter, she left for a hotel.

She came back the next day. I said to her "Do you think we can fix our marriage?" She said she did before, but not after my letter.

BS. She's in the wrong here and knows it.

In my letter I said that I would be a new man. I'd do all the things a good husband and father should do. I've promised them before. She said why should it be any different this time? Because now you know I'm serious? She was right. I'll probably never change. I hate responsibility. Even if I could forgive her, it would always be on my mind that she cheated on me. She said she'd never want to stay with me if I cheated on her. Everything she's said to me since the letter makes it obvious she just wants to leave.

I think I destroyed any last shred of hope there was for keeping our family together. She asked to be alone today for the entire day so that she could take a drive and just think. When she gets back, I don't think she'll be saying she wants to try and work it out. If she does, I have a nearly impossible task ahead of me--to be a man I have never been.

Quit acting like a teenager and grow up like every man should. You aren't 13 years old anymore

I think she'd be better off with this other man, and have full custody of the kids, and maybe I can see them every other weekend and a month or two in the summer. She should move back across the country where she has family support. She hates that she is away from her family, and she has always longed for us to move back, even though my job would never allow it.

Ah so your going to roll over and give up? Really?

I'm afraid the kids will hate her for ripping them from me and moving, but I think in the end it will be for the best. It will destroy me--seeing pictures of my kids with a new dad, a new family, and a new life that doesn't have me in it. I was 15 when I met her, and these next few months, either trying to change or working through a divorce, are going to be the most difficult months I've ever had in my life.

Cool now you can play your childish games all day every day

I'm weak. I'm selfish. I don't deserve her. I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me.
With this mindset you are done. Only you can fix that. It sounds like you'd rather be a kid for the rest of your life. Is that what's most important to you.

No one is going to fix this for you. The Calvary isn't coming. It's all up to you
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Old 17th June 2017, 10:15 PM   #3
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Ok so you are done, giving up. So why are you here.

If I am right you have done everything with the kids, right. If so, how can you think they are better off with her?

Well good luck with it. I would be more concerned with the kids seeing you gave up on them.
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Old 18th June 2017, 10:17 AM   #4
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It is NOT your fault. I was in your wife's position (but no kids)...felt neglected by my husband, like he put all his hobbies and interests and friends and family and laziness before me, no matter how many times I told him what I needed. I felt resentful and used that to justify cheating on him. But guess what, even as I was doing it, I knew it was not justifiable in any way. If you're unhappy in a marriage, you can drag your spouse to therapy, you can learn to accept it, you can file for divorce....but you can't justify doing a trial run on another relationship while still married. It's just wrong.

Please snap out of it and stop telling yourself you caused this. Yes you made your wife unhappy and that's on you. But she chose to deal with that in the worst and most cruel way, and that is 100% on her.

As for the letter, you did the right thing. To have any hope of reconciling, she has to be completely transparent with you and never have contact with the other man again. That's just reconciliation 101. If she's unwilling to do that, then there is no way that she would ever be able to put in the work and sacrifice to fix your marriage. And it's better to know now than to waste months or years trying, with someone who won't fully try, right?

So go see a lawyer, figure out what your rights are to your money and your kids, etc. Put on your big boy pants! Good luck!! Hugs and I'm really sorry this is happening.
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Old 18th June 2017, 10:52 AM   #5
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FTL....

Your story and your attitude break my heart.

First...circumstances in life certainly affect the choices we make. But we are each responsible for those choices...regardless of the reasons.

I am a FWW and I want to assure you of something and I truly hope you are listening. You are not a perfect man...a perfect husband or dad. But you did NOTHING to MAKE your wife cheat.

If she was unhappy...she had every opportunity to work WITH you to fix the things she was unhappy about. CHEATING...fixes nothing..it only causes more problems. She chose personal happiness over her family....and that was selfish.

So please stop blaming yourself for her choice to become an very ugly person....for reaching out to another man instead of reaching out to you.

None of us here can tell you what is best for you...but i do think you need some therapy to help you sort through the feelings and the overwhelming guilt you are placing on yourself.

I would see a lawyer and find out my legals rights and i certainly would ask to be a 50% partner in raising my children. Why should you see your kids less than she does? She is the one who was willing to sacrifice your family. Thats not only not fair...it is ridiculous! I would be fair financially...but i would not give her any more than she deserves.

I wish you the very best and i hope you can find happiness again...with or without your wayward wife.
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Old 18th June 2017, 11:18 AM   #6
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FloatingThroughLife,

First off, is she in a full blown Physical affair, or just having feelings?

Look, I also met my future wife when I was 15, and she was older then me. I get it, dating and bedding an old girl when you are in high school is, well ego building, but you never moved out of being a child into a man. So if you want to keep you wife, that is exactly what you are going to have to do.

She is in the wrong for what she is doing, and she needs to stop for you to work on your marriage together, but you also have to work on it and change as well. So she has 3 kids. She has one she sleeps with. Why would she like to stay in that sort of situation? This is her way of leaving, and you can do the pity me party and passively stand back, or you can take action. What so you want to do? BTW, the OM, is he the type to take on 2 kids and an older woman, or is he just looking for sex? Would you not want to stop this from hurting her, and breaking up your family.

Here is my advise, from one guy who married an older woman just out of high school to another. Grow up. Keep the house clean, do your bit to cook, clean and maintain a good nice home for your kids. If you do not know how to cook, get the Original Betty Crocker cookbook (you can get it on Amazon, just search for under "original Betty Crocker cook book" ) and learn how to. Plan on cooking several time a week. The way we handle it, is who ever cooks, the other cleans up. Fair don't you think? Keep the house clean. Here is a link that will help.

House Cleaning Routine for Men | The Art of Manliness

Now, I am not saying that you have to become a slave to your wife, and never let her raise a finger again, but being a slob, just will not cut it. It also teaches your kids some real bad life skills. If you can help keep the house up, and cook from time to time, it gives real evidence that you are really changing, and not just talking about it. Here is a radical thought, give up the video game. Pack up the station and sell it or throw it a away. Ever thought that the time you spend on it should go to your kids and wife?

I like this site, and I think it can give you some good idea on how to proceed, in the "Being a real man department" Check it out.

The art of manliness: The Art of Manliness | Men's Interests and Lifestyle The point is, you need to act more like a man, take care of your family and just not one of the kids that gets to have sex with mom from time to time.


Now, depending on how you answered the first question, you need to decide how to deal with your wife. Because you have been a man child, you start from a huge position of weakness. There are several ways to stop a physical affair, but I would urge you to think of your main goal, if it really is your goal, Reconciliation. Talk to her about and set boundaries with her on what you expect her to do. Because quite frankly, I think she is at the point where she can not go on with you, and is looking to leave. You need to prove you are the one she should stay with. You are going to get lots of advise, remember everyone is different and what do you want? The drum beat of Divorce, divorce, and oh by the way, did you consider divorce? Why are you not divorcing? What so you want? Come to a decision, and take positive action to achieve it, be it divorce, or reconciliation.

Now if she is beginning to fall into a EA, or is there already, and came to you to talk it out, you need to thank her and talk it out. Believe me, this is what all of us BS would have liked in our case. Before it got really bad, physical, the WS came to us and asked for help. We as their spouse should be able to help and work to sort this out. If this is the case, then I think there is hope as she is just asking for your help and support. Do not drive her away.

I am going to wind up, with some hope. Your wife is tired of raising her kids and dealing with a partner who really is not. You first step is to become the guy who should would like to stay with. Your second step is to figure out what is happening and put a stop to it in a way that allows you to reconcile. Just how you do it, is up to you. Remember, if she is cheating, this is on her, and she will have to own it. Do not beat yourself up on that. I am hoping that she see herself moving that way, and this is her way to show you just how unhappy she is.


Lastly TAKE ACTION TO CHANGE.


I wish you luck......
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Old 18th June 2017, 11:20 AM   #7
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FTL,

As a addendum, please heed Mrs JA's advise as well as mind. Also taking positive action is case divorce, can show her just how strong you are. No one want to live with a weak person.
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Old 18th June 2017, 5:33 PM   #8
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Ah so your going to roll over and give up? Really?
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Originally Posted by usa1ah View Post
If I am right you have done everything with the kids, right. If so, how can you think they are better off with her?
It's what she wants. She said that she can discipline them better alone knowing that it will be enforced. She said she hasn't felt like a team in a long time.


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As for the letter, you did the right thing. To have any hope of reconciling, she has to be completely transparent with you and never have contact with the other man again. That's just reconciliation 101. If she's unwilling to do that, then there is no way that she would ever be able to put in the work and sacrifice to fix your marriage. And it's better to know now than to waste months or years trying, with someone who won't fully try, right?
She has said so many things the last few days that make me nearly certain that she is done with our marriage. She hasn't broken it off with him, she's still friends with him on facebook, she told me she deleted all the messages they sent each other every night so who knows what was in them.

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If she was unhappy...she had every opportunity to work WITH you to fix the things she was unhappy about. CHEATING...fixes nothing..it only causes more problems. She chose personal happiness over her family....and that was selfish.

So please stop blaming yourself for her choice to become an very ugly person....for reaching out to another man instead of reaching out to you.
She has been unhappy for years and I took her for granted. She tried to tell me so many times, and I never changed. She'd blow up on me, so I'd give her the cold shoulder, and it was just a negative feedback loop that got worse and worse over the years.

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First off, is she in a full blown Physical affair, or just having feelings?
She told me that they have had some make out sessions and he has felt up her breasts, but no sex, no oral, and no clothes off. I believe her.

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So she has 3 kids. She has one she sleeps with. Why would she like to stay in that sort of situation? This is her way of leaving, and you can do the pity me party and passively stand back, or you can take action. What so you want to do? BTW, the OM, is he the type to take on 2 kids and an older woman, or is he just looking for sex? Would you not want to stop this from hurting her, and breaking up your family.
She doesn't want that, which is painfully obvious to me now after all these years. I've been selfish and I can't change the past. Even if I can change and be the man I should be now, it seems like it's already too late. She's ready to leave now.

The other man is her age and has 2 kids of his own, and is divorced. He lives with one of the kids and his ex-wife lives with the other across the country. If my wife were to divorce me, I think she would like to move where the ex-wife and his other kid is so that all 6 of them could be together. I don't think he's looking for sex, but I know literally nothing about the man except he had his tongue in my wife's mouth.

Thanks for all the advice and resources. I have a lot to learn.
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Old 18th June 2017, 6:00 PM   #9
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She told me that they have had some make out sessions and he has felt up her breasts, but no sex, no oral, and no clothes off. I believe her.

Because that's what adults do, right? And then he probably held her hand, and walked down to the pond with her, he gave her a flower and she blushed. Then they went home.

Come on, man! First, you need to come to terms with what this is: a full-fledged physical affair.

And then you have to man up! Fix yourself, and fight for her, if that's what you want. Stop being so defeatist!

You sound like you've given up. If that's the case, why are you here?
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Old 18th June 2017, 6:03 PM   #10
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So you are just going to give up? You are already defeated. Yes she will probably leave. Your whole attitude is the issue here. What can you do to change and show you will be a good husband, but you want to trow in the towel, and divorce. Get a good lawyer, and I would write a letter to your children they can read when they get of age so you can explain, because I do not see you in their life much after this.

Think of what you are giving away.
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Old 18th June 2017, 7:07 PM   #11
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Well frankly, who gives a shlt if she wants to parent the kids alone. They're your kids! You aren't going to just hand them off without a care, right?! Please go see a lawyer and figure out what your rights / responsibilities are. Time to step up to the plate buddy! You can do this.
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Old 18th June 2017, 8:13 PM   #12
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ok welll...please tell me what it is you are looking for from the loveshack community....


you have already made up your mind its all your fault...when we tell you it isnt you argue it is.


Good luck to you
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Old 18th June 2017, 11:11 PM   #13
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Number one: It's not your fault that your wife cheated and you have no obligation to reconcile with her.

Number two: Your kids deserve more than your self pity and your apathy. Divorce your wife if you must, but stop with this pity party about how you're just going to let your kids go and be raised by another man. Just grow up and start accepting your responsibility to your children. Just because you and your wife may divorce doesn't mean you get to walk away from your kids. You live somewhere close and you get 50/50 custody. End of story.
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Old 19th June 2017, 1:20 AM   #14
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I don't want it to be over, guys. I sound defeated because she didn't agree to any of my demands, even though I said I would look into a legal separation if she didn't do what I asked. I have tried changing drastically in the last few days. I've vacuumed, mopped, kept the kids on track with everything, gone shopping. All the things you are supposed to do as a husband and father. I am trying to show her what it would be like if she stayed. But she isn't talking to me. She has a major surgery this week and asked that we not talk about any of this now so she can focus on recovery. I'm here because I am lost and I don't know what else I can do to change her mind.

How is getting a lawyer involved now going to help anything at all? Seems like that would make things way worse.

Last edited by FloatingThroughLife; 19th June 2017 at 1:24 AM..
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Old 19th June 2017, 1:48 AM   #15
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FTL,

Maybe it's too late to save your marriage, maybe it isn't. But if you want her to think you are ready to grow up, you need to do more than just work harder a few days. Come up with a plan for the division of labor, when she is well enough, engage her in discussion on a more balanced and equitable approach to your marriage. While you have obviously been slacking off in the housekeeping department, she sounds like she has been hands off in the area of enjoying her kids.

For any of that to work, she needs to NC with the OM and needs to be transparent about that. She cannot have you working harder for the marriage while she keeps one foot out the door. She owns her decision to become intimate with someone else. If she wants out now, there's no reason she couldn't have left first before beginning to hook up.

Finally, you need a lawyer. The lawyer is for you, in case she decides to pull the pin on your marriage. It sounds like you enjoy your children, how willing are you to let them leave your life (by your messages, too willing if you ask me). If there is anything that should make you grow the hell up, it should be the prospect of losing your kids. She moves across the country, how much do you think you will see them? A lawyer will help make sure you know your rights and what steps you can take to protect that relationship. You can own the mistakes you have made (which is a crucial step to getting better), but you cannot own her mistakes, and telling everyone you truly deserve all this unhappiness will not translate into a very good showing in family court.

MV
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