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Investigation: The begining of the end?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 12th June 2017, 10:29 PM   #16
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I have to go out of town for several days tomorrow so I am going to set up the audio and video equipment. I was talking to my neighbor this afternoon and he asked me if my brother was in town because there was a different car park in my driveway. This was when I was out of town several weeks ago. I am acting like everything is still status quo with our marriage but the more information I gather, the smaller her escape routes can be.

I reviewed what I have written and it appears that I have no emotion regarding her cheating. I guess it has been all the reports I have had to write while in law enforcement where your personality is replaced with just facts. This is killing me!!!! I am the kind of guy who is suspect while getting to know someone, but once I feel I have their confidence, I am loyal to the bone. Need help burying a body...I am your guy type of loyalty. I have it with my wife and her deceit to me and our marriage has hurt me more than anything in my life. Right now I am pissed off and want to go "scorched earth" all over her and her pocket doctor (I has always disliked doctors, but I hate them now).

Anyway, I will review the tape and audio on a continuing basis while I am gone to see what I catch.

I will keep you all abreast with downfall of my life.
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Old 13th June 2017, 8:11 AM   #17
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Sorry to hear how you are feeling. It is not surprising at all. It is good that you acknowledge how much this hurts. I don't know how you get over deception. All I know is that the married guys who have approached me for an affair would never want to leave their wives. They were looking for fun on the side (they didn't get it with me!). I don't know how one reconciles the knowledge that a marriage can be so important to someone and yet they can cheat, but it is something to think about before throwing it all away.

Good luck!
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:07 AM   #18
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Good luck with everything. I think you're doing the right thing. Asking someone outright if they are cheating rarely results in truth.
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:10 AM   #19
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Of course the OP needs to roll out the big surveillance guns here, because if he finds nothing then he has to convince himself there was indeed nothing to find.

If he goes into this half heartedly, then he will never rest, thinking he may have missed something obvious.
Most BSs do not have the technology or the dollars to do this.
The fact he can do this is a bonus.
He will get the answers he seeks.
Either his wife is innocent of all charges or she is guilty.
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:27 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by spiderowl View Post
Why not just ask her if she's having an affair?It is surprising how people can struggle to answer a direct question if the answer is true. Few people want to lie outright; they would rather be evasive. I would not go into detail about why you suspect, just say you have a feeling.
I would urge the OP not to ask for a couple of reasons: one, if she's having an affair, tipping her off is likely going to drive the affair further underground and make his recon job that much harder and two, cheaters lie their asses off. How many examples have we seen of them swearing on their children's lives that nothing's going on? I've seen a few, if you haven't.


And OP, I think I know what you're getting at regarding changing the rubric. When I initially came here, a long time ago, it was because things were getting weird in my marriage. I thought she might be having an affair. I needed to try to find the truth, too, because I wasn't going to end a long marriage with a bunch of kids over a "feeling". But although I still think the odds were in favor of an affair, I could never find anything that constituted a sufficient level of proof. I needed to be something like 95% sure at least, and I couldn't get there.


We're still rocking along, I guess. The difference is that during this process, I sort of divorced mentally. That's to say, my emotions were no longer dependent on hers (and they probably never should have been in the first place). If I were to discover infidelity, it would suck and hurt but I wouldn't be devastated; I'd proceed with divorce without anguishing about it. Ironically, being on an even keel makes me more pleasant to be around, and we get along fine, healthy sex life and all. But you're right, it's not the same.
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Old 13th June 2017, 10:04 AM   #21
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Your gut is rarely wrong, unfortunately by the time you start having the gut feelings it's usually too late. Sounds like she's been cheating on you throughout your marriage. Doing nothing when your gut is screaming at you is the wrong thing to do, you need to find out. Have you gone through the laundry hamper, have you tested any of her garments?
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Old 13th June 2017, 3:29 PM   #22
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You sound like a very inconvenient person to cheat on.
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Old 13th June 2017, 4:08 PM   #23
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You sound like a very inconvenient person to cheat on.
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Old 13th June 2017, 5:07 PM   #24
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Sorry to hear how you are feeling. It is not surprising at all. It is good that you acknowledge how much this hurts. I don't know how you get over deception. All I know is that the married guys who have approached me for an affair would never want to leave their wives. They were looking for fun on the side (they didn't get it with me!). I don't know how one reconciles the knowledge that a marriage can be so important to someone and yet they can cheat, but it is something to think about before throwing it all away.

Good luck!

Because often guys cheat for just sex, women almost always cheat for emotional reasons. That's why guys won't leave their wives - unless they are emotionally tied to the AP.

OP - the feeling of mistrust will not go away. Doesn't really matter if she is or is not, you won't ever trust her again.

Also, it sure sounds like she is cheating. You didn't make this up in your head for no reason.
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Old 13th June 2017, 8:09 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Of course the OP needs to roll out the big surveillance guns here, because if he finds nothing then he has to convince himself there was indeed nothing to find.

If he goes into this half heartedly, then he will never rest, thinking he may have missed something obvious.
Most BSs do not have the technology or the dollars to do this.
The fact he can do this is a bonus.
He will get the answers he seeks.
Either his wife is innocent of all charges or she is guilty.
I get what you're saying, but I guess I'm already leaning towards she is cheating. That's why I figured he'd easily have an answer without using audio/video. And if he finds nothing, then escalate to the surveillance technology.

If she is not cheating, (small chance, but for OP's sake we hope that's the case), and she find out that there were hidden cameras, then the marriage would be over. That would be tragic because it didn't have to be that way.
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Old 14th June 2017, 2:35 AM   #26
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Wow...that didn't take very long. I looked at my phone and saw a message left by one of my friends who I asked to drive by my house sporadically while I was gone. Without even listening, I had that gut feeling you have when you suspect something that turns out to be true. In my driveway was the a$$hats car. He stated that the car was there a while because the hood was cold. I knew at this moment my marriage was over. Throughout my life I have lived by the philosophy that once I make up my mind...that's it. Sometimes I get bit but all in all it has worked out for me. Please don't get argue about it, it is just the way it is and I have always lived with the consequences.

I am cutting my meetings short and flying home in the morning. My wife does not know I am coming home early. Right now, I have so many ideas running around in my head on how to confront her; am I going to leave or make her leave or even listen to her at all. I am very confused and angry. Maybe I should fly home and stay with a friend to cool off before confrontation.

You know...by re-arranging the spark plug wires on the distributor cap basically makes a car impossible to start or drive. Maybe his car will still be there when I get home.
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Old 14th June 2017, 6:29 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by Uncle Boogie View Post
Wow...that didn't take very long. I looked at my phone and saw a message left by one of my friends who I asked to drive by my house sporadically while I was gone. Without even listening, I had that gut feeling you have when you suspect something that turns out to be true. In my driveway was the a$$hats car. He stated that the car was there a while because the hood was cold. I knew at this moment my marriage was over. Throughout my life I have lived by the philosophy that once I make up my mind...that's it. Sometimes I get bit but all in all it has worked out for me. Please don't get argue about it, it is just the way it is and I have always lived with the consequences.

I am cutting my meetings short and flying home in the morning. My wife does not know I am coming home early. Right now, I have so many ideas running around in my head on how to confront her; am I going to leave or make her leave or even listen to her at all. I am very confused and angry. Maybe I should fly home and stay with a friend to cool off before confrontation.

You know...by re-arranging the spark plug wires on the distributor cap basically makes a car impossible to start or drive. Maybe his car will still be there when I get home.
Whatever you do, no violence! And maybe activate the voice recorder on your phone to protect yourself.
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Old 14th June 2017, 7:33 AM   #28
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Sorry to hear this OP. There still might be a reasonable explanation but I acknowledge it is not looking good. Trying to cool down with a friend first sounds a good idea. No violence, no threats. Is it best to note the car number plate and wait until he has gone? Maybe take photos? I can't see the point in confronting him; your issue is with your wife. Any kind of potentially violent confrontation could only land you in hot water and will not help in the long run.
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Old 14th June 2017, 8:35 AM   #29
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Sorry to hear this OP. There still might be a reasonable explanation but I acknowledge it is not looking good. Trying to cool down with a friend first sounds a good idea. No violence, no threats. Is it best to note the car number plate and wait until he has gone? Maybe take photos? I can't see the point in confronting him; your issue is with your wife. Any kind of potentially violent confrontation could only land you in hot water and will not help in the long run.

That's it, Unk. Cool, calm and collected, all the way. You might want to use the interval to check in with a lawyer and go over options. If it was me, I'd get consultations with as many reputable attorneys as possible, thus conflicting them out of representing your wife. Use your anger as motivation to stack things your way as much as possible.


I'm very sorry.
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Old 14th June 2017, 8:41 AM   #30
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Do make sure your emotions are under control before you meet with your STBExW. Do not bring any firearms with you.

You want your next day in court to be for a divorce not a murder conviction.
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