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Wife's "affair" after one year married


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Hey everyone,

I could really use a lending ear and some advice on how to cope with my situation.

 

My wife and I have been together for 9 years, and recently married in 2015. We lived with her parents for a few years, then bought a place of our own before the wedding. The entire wedding planning was exciting for both of us, we just bought a house, our jobs were good, and life was just awesome. I can honestly say we had an amazing relationship.

 

We had our 1 year wedding anniversary in August 2016, and again from my perspective, we still had an awesome relationship.

 

Things start to go downhill from here. In November, we attended her work Christmas party. All in all it was a good night, nothing suspicious. On the drive home though, at 2am, she received a text. I was driving, so I looked over and saw that it was from her boss, and he said "you looked hot tonight". She replied with "haha thanks so did you". Then I noticed she deleted the message. I asked her who it was, and she brushed it off as one of her female coworkers drunk texting her. I knew she was lying and confronted her when we got home. She later admitted that it was her boss texting her, and she deleted it because she says it was inappropriate, and just wanted it off her phone. Without reason, I believed her and got over it.

 

2 weeks later, sometime early December, she came home from work noticeably upset, and she told me she had a fight with her female supervisor. We talked about it for a bit, but I was getting ready to leave for night shift (7pm), and she had to leave for a funeral. Later that night, while at work, I called her to ask how her night was. She didn't answer. I called her 3 times up until 10pm and no answer. It's not like her to not answer, and it was snowing, so I got worried. I tried tracking her phone with the iPhone app (Yes, it sounds creepy, but I was genuinely worried about her safety). Needless to say, she was sitting in the corner of a Walmart parking lot for almost 25 minutes, before heading home. She finally called me back, saying she just got home from the funeral. I asked if she stopped anywhere, and she said no. I was hesitant to call her out on it, but I did. I told her I was worried about her, and tracked her to the parking lot. She denied it at first and got very defensive, then admitted she was there, but only to buy one of my Christmas gifts. I know my wife all too well. Number one, she would not be shopping for a Christmas gift at 10pm at night, and two, she wouldn't had parked far away in the corner on a cold snowy night. Over the next few days, I just had a gut feeling something was wrong. I asked her everyday for 3 days, what it was she was hiding from me. She insisted nothing nothing nothing. Finally, I went through her phone, and noticed her call history was all deleted from the night she was at Walmart. Now I'm suspicious. I then went onto our cell phone providers website and looked up her call logs. I noticed there was a 1 minute phone call made right after the funeral apparently ended. I looked up the number, and it was her boss. I calmly confronted her and asked her about it, and if by chance she went to Walmart, to meet up with him. At first she denied, but I was being calm and promised her I wouldn't get upset. She finally admitted that they did meet up, but only to smoke a joint, and talk about her very bad day at work with her other supervisor. I was furious and upset. But she insisted it's not what it seems, please don't overthink it.

 

Now I'm piecing together the text from her Christmas party, and now meeting up with the guy a few weeks later, something is up, I wasn't born yesterday. It bothered me all throughout the Christmas holidays, and she kept insisted there's nothing going on. Finally around New Years, I started to let it go, thinking maybe, just maybe, I am looking to much into it.

 

I don't know what it was or why. But early January, I had another gut feeling that was bothering me. I felt I had to do some digging. Both of our iPhones are linked to our home computer. So late one night, while she was sleeping, I went on and found a bunch of text messages between her and boss dating back to September, two months before the Christmas party! The messages at first were very flirty, talking very sexual about everything. Then there were messages hinting at something happening at work in his office. Then more messages with him saying last night was "beautiful". Then another saying "you were good", and she replied "thanks you were good too". At this point my heart is pounding, I'm on the verge of tears, and wondering if this is actually happening right now. My world was on the verge of blowing up.

 

I printed off the messages, and went to wake her up. I asked her to tell me one last time what has been going on with her boss. She said "Relax! I've already told you there's nothing!" I then showed her the messages I just printed off. She was in shock probably wondering where I got these from. At first she didn't know what to say, then said it's all nothing! She said her and her boss have a very good work relationship, and they can be very sarcastic and joke sexually and turn everything into a sexual joke but it's all harmless! She apologized admitting it's very wrong, and inappropriate but insisted it's nothing more than verbal garbage. So I asked about the comments about "you were good" etc. She said it's referring to massages they give each other at work during lunch breaks. Masssages??? What?? Now I'm livid, but she insisted it's nothing more than good friends talking inappropriately, and apologized for giving him a massage.

 

It's now the end of January, and I've lost 25 pounds, and she has lost 20 pounds. And I kept asking every single day to tell me the truth. With everyday turning into an argument. She's telling me I'm crazy and losing my mind, and I'm thinking way too much into things, but I couldn't let it go. Again I had that gut feeling.

 

Finally, after a month of denying and making me feel crazy. She FINALLY turned to me one night and said she had something to tell me. My heart dropped. She said the messages I found were in fact referring to times that her boss tried to kiss her at work in his office. She insists it only happened twice, and both times caught her off guard. After the first time, she said she tried to talk to him about this being wrong and he agreed, but he then tried to kiss her again a week later. The second time she admits to kissing him back for a second or two, before leaving his office in shock. I asked her WHY WHY WHY didn't she tell me. She says she was afraid of her job, afraid of me making a scene at her workplace, and afraid of ruining his family (He is 46, married with 3 kids). I was furious and heartbroken and didn't know what to do. It was a late night, and we were both crying, and she was literally BEGGING me at my feet for forgiveness. To make things worse, this piece of $hit actually came to our wedding with his wife.

 

As much relief I felt for her admitting to the suspicions I had, I still felt there was more she wasn't telling me. She said there were only 2 incidents at work, but there were more text messages that referred to stuff happening. So I asked her. And she threw a fit, crying, begging, saying how much she humiliated herself, and she hates herself, and that this wasn't good enough for me. That I would always think there's more etc. I asked her to swear on her grandmas grave, and she did. I took off my ring, and asked her to swear on our marriage vows that there was nothing more she was hiding from me, and she swore on our marriage. That was a powerful moment to swear on such a symbolic thing. I wanted to believe her, but I just knew there was more. A week passed of fighting and arguing over what else she was hiding. Then finally she admitted to another incident happening at work. She said he called her into his office, and started kissing her as soon as the door closed. She says she kissed him back, there was tongue involved, and that he groped her all over, and she can't explain why she let it happen. But again she is BEGGING for forgiveness, and again I'm LIVID and in TEARS! So after she swore on our marriage, and her grandmas grave, she admits to THIS a week later?? What else is there??

 

Another week goes by, arguing, fighting, crying. I threatened to walk out the door, and low and behold she admits to another time he tried to kiss her goodnight, and she kissed him back again. Well now I'm at a loss for words, I can't even believe what I'm hearing, or where the end to this thing is. We continued to argue about if there's more or not, but it seems this is as much as she's willing to admit. Is this finally the whole truth? How can I ever know at this point.

 

This all happened in the month of January/February. She ended up quitting her job (A very good job with pension, benefits, and good wages) sometime in March in hopes that I will stay. We have been crying many times a week over our marriage even to this day. We're now in June, and it's been absolute hell over the past 5 months. She has no doubt been remorseful, regretful, and begging me for forgiveness. She still can't explain why she let it happen, only says that she was weak and didn't know how to stop it. I am still unable to accept what happened and quite honestly am still in shock. We had the most amazing relationship, we literally just got married a year prior to this, and there were absolutely no signs what's so ever. She came home every day with no signs of guilt or that something was off. I was completely blindsided to say the least.

 

This whole thing just doesn't make any sense to me why she would stray. The only thing that comes to mind is that we did have different plans on when to start trying for a baby. I originally wanted a honeymoon baby, but she clearly said she wasn't ready. Then a year later, I pressured her a bit around September, and we did have a fight about it at that time. One of her original excuses was she felt pressure from myself, and her mom about when to have a baby, which she says lead her to rebel and show weakness and why she allowed the "affair" to happen. Which is still no excuse what so ever, and I don't buy it.

 

I loved her like no other. I literally lived for her. I gave her everything, and gave it my all. She had my complete trust and loyalty, and I feel all of it wasn't good enough. We had a beautiful wedding, amazing honeymoon, and a brand new house. This is supposed to be the start of our life together. I honestly feel traumatized, even 5 months later I can't get over it.

 

I'm now 37 years old, and scared to death of starting over and finding somebody new at my age. I feel like it's end of the world, with no hope for a family. She has made it crystal clear she wants forgiveness and wants to grow old with me and have my babies. But how can I move past such a betrayal? We have ok days, and then we have bad days when we barely speak. It just feels like that magic spell we once had will never be the same again. I know it's all on me and the ball is in my court, but I feel so stuck. I'm caught in a vicious cycle which is causing me tremendous stress and anxiety every single day. I was so depressed for the first 3 months when I lost so much weight that my doctor prescribed me anti depressants. I started taking them for about a month, but it messed with my head and emotions so badly I had to stop and am actually going through withdrawals. I don't want to rely on meds, that's a whole other topic. I feel as though I'm not myself, my anxiety is sometimes so severe to the point I can't sleep. And I've been having crying spells almost every other day. These are side effects of the anti depressants, and hoping they will subside soon. But I just desperately want my life back. Did she knowingly and willingly involve herself in an affair, or was she pressured by her boss and she was scared? Then why continue to engage in texting after the kissing happened? Why agree to meet up, after these kisses took place. If she was so scared, that's not exactly a way of showing fear. I don't know what to believe anymore. She refuses to call it an affair, and can barely say the word cheated. She calls it a mistake. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel that "sinky heart" feeling, obviously still heartbroken. I wish I could forgive her and save what we had, but I still can't get past it. I just don't know what to do.

 

I apologize for venting, thanks for listening

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Sorry you are going through this. This is all on her. Im glad you havent had babies with her. Its not your job to keep away predators, its hers. They have been having sex for a while

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I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. There are many good people on here to give you good advice. I don't think I am the best for that, but hang in there and someone else should respond soon.

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Friskyone4u

The good thing is she quit the job.

 

The bad thing is she has not told you anything that you have not pulled out of her.

 

She wants to save the marriage. This one is simple

 

One question on a polygraph test will tell you if there was more than kissing. It's either that or being miserable and your gut churning for years.

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Jersey born raised

Expose OM to his wife. Don't let her live like you have for the past 9 months. What would the truth been worth to you at the very start?

 

Expose to the workplace. While companies in general do not want to get invovled in their employee(s) personal life, they very much care if it is a boss/subordinate affair. Rule of thumb, the boss goes period.

 

What has she told her family? What have you told her's?

 

Polygraph her. To heal the marriage there must be truth between the two of you.

 

You post indicates you work nights, she works days. Like frequent travel, this puts a strain on a marriage. Can you change to a day job?

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LivingWaterPlease

Dobber, from your post you sound like a wonderful guy. I'm so sorry you are suffering so much and that your wife has betrayed you. The affair is one problem. The lying and trickle truthing is another.

 

From the information you posted I would guess your wife has had a PA with her boss.

 

As you know, you need to decide whether or not you can stay in the marriage.

Until your wife begins to tell the truth, though, it seems to me you'll have a hard time rebuilding the relationship.

 

From what I've observed over a lot of years a person who cheats early in a marriage will probably cheat again. The fact that your wife has lied, also, doesn't bode well for your marriage.

 

Again, I am so sorry you're going through this ordeal.

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I'm sorry, but she's had sex with him multiple times. She can lie more ruthlessly than most cheaters you'll read about. That part might be even more sickening. "You were good" is not about kissing.

 

Inform his wife, his employer, and your wife's family. Tell her you're booking a polygraph to ask about sexual intercourse and watch her reaction. She'll go screaming crazy because she knows the truth will come out.

 

After that happens, pack a bag for her and drop her off at her boss's doorstep.

 

File for divorce and find a decent woman who will love you and only you. They are out there.

 

If I had to guess, the parking lot encounter was a blowjob. Some Christmas present. Ask her.

Edited by WilyWill
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Sorry, one more thing I forgot. Whatever you do, DO NOT LET HER FOOL YOU INTO GETTING HER PREGNANT. This is a trick she might pull to keep you in the marriage. Either abstain from sex or use a condom you bought yourself. Frankly I imagine abstinence will be easy when you honestly reflect on the things she's done with him.

 

Also, do not be impressed by her solemn oaths of honesty. You will find tales of cheating wives in here who literally swore on their children's lives that they did not have sex with another man. Days or weeks later, the bewildered husband finds the ugly truth that she did have sex. Often, the truth is that she enthusiastically performed acts with the other man that she was unwilling to do with her own husband. Yes, the truth can be that ugly.

 

That fight she had with the "female supervisor" that upset her so much? That was the night she got lovey dovey romantic with her boss. But he pulled away, making it clear he was not yet willing to leave his family. She felt like she was just his sex toy and stormed off angry and crying. But a few days later she went back for more sex

 

I'm very sorry. A newlywed wife that can cheat so quickly is a lost cause. You need to brace yourself and prepare for a life without her.

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aliveagain

Friend, it doesn't sound like you have all the truth. It is not up to you to prove her guilt, you have enough evidence to end your marriage with what you have already found. The onus is on her to prove she didn't have sex with her boss. Wives with nothing to hide hide nothing. You have had to show her your proof before she confessed anything, she offered you nothing, you had to pull it from her crying and kicking. She isn't acting like a remorseful spouse but more like a cheater who is in damage control. Who skips out on a funeral to go meet her boss at a dark corner of a Walmart parking lot 10 pm at night? Someone who is having an affair with a cheap POS who won't pay for a hotel room that's who.

 

You need to talk to a lawyer(you may have an action against her former company and her boss) find out what your rights are. You both need to be tested for STD's, the chances are very high that they have had sex, it is up to her to prove to your satisfaction that she hasn't. You need to expose their affair to her affair partners wife, she needs to know the truth, it's the right thing to do. I would demand a polygraph as a requirement of reconciliation and if reconciliation is not your goal then you have enough proof to pursue a divorce. Having children with her at this time would be a really bad decision.

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Just a Guy

Hi Dobber, sorry to see you here. The fact that your wife cheated so soon into your marriage should be a complete deal breaker for you. This woman does not love you. You are only 37 and do not have kids with her. Run for the hills as they say. Get her out of your life and do not get involved in any soppy sob stories that she dishes out. There was just no reason for her to cheat if a) you had a happy marriage and b) you were in the honeymoon phase of your marriage. Cut your losses and look for someone who loves you for who you are. If you stick with your current wife you will be back here in a few years time after she had cheated on you again. Only problem you will have children by then. Think about it. Warm wishes.

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She is trickle truthing you.

 

Admitted kissing in an affair = sex. Sorry man

 

Most betrayed spouses want to desperately believe it's just an emotional affair because the truth is to hard to take. Their text messages "you were good" wasn't about a good kiss. From what you've posted the affair was very mutual. Reread her responses to him.

 

You're probably in denial and want to believe her. Get a poly!!! She'll admit the truth probably before she takes it.

 

However, only married a year I'd file. You're to young to take a chance on this.

 

You should at least send the text messages to her bosses wife. Do it without warning.

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BluesPower

She is lying about everything...

 

They have been having sex for a while, no doubt about it.

 

Schedule a poly and do not tell her until it is time to take her to the appt.

 

She will freak out and she will say they had sex one time or just oral. She is lying. Take her to the poly no matter how much she protests.

 

On the way there you will get more confessions and none of it will be the truth.

 

They have been screwing at work or when they pretend to work late. One reason you are so torn up is that your gut is telling you that she is lying and your ears are hearing something different.

 

Your not stupid, think about it, would you mess with a girl and not screw her if you were him.

 

1) schedule poly...

2) inform his wife, the affair is probably still going on a some level.

3) inform HR at old job, and let them know you are filing a lawsuit for loss of affection yada yada... this will prob get him fired.

4) File for divorce...

 

Again, she is lying about everything. We have all been around long enough to know what is going on.

 

One of your poly questions should be how many times they have had sex and has she slept with anyone but you and him since you two have been a couple. Not married but as a couple, I assure you that she has...

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harrybrown

Have you told her to get an std test?

 

Do not have children with her. You are supposed to be in your honeymoon part of your marriage.

 

she cheated now and she had sex with him. She did not use protection.

 

How can you be so sure she has not taken this underground with a burner phone? Expose to her work, her family, your family. expose to his wife.

 

She kissed him and had sex with him because she wanted to. Get a D and forget the polygraph.

 

She is an addict and he is her drug. She did this because she wanted to and is selfish.

 

You are dealing with a drug addict. She has a burner phone now. Has she gotten another job, so she can cheat with the next boss?

 

If you will not D, then at least have her pay for the polly.

 

find someone that will love you. She does not love you. You are her second choice. do not be anyone's second choice, and be a father to her kids.

 

she will have kids with the boss. Do not have her stay, drive her over to the bosses house.

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First off, so sorry for your situation man, sounds similar to what I went through except I had the proof of a sexual PA in front of me. Didn't matter, still got trickle truth, nearly to the point of ending the relationship. However, your W is giving a doctorate level course in trickle truth. It's devastating, I know, I was there, and she has to stop if you have any chance of healing and recovering this relationship. Yes, the truth hurts, in the case of an A, very badly. The lies, however, are like knives, you're trying to help fix things at the same time they are helping break them further.

 

So, I'll echo what others have said, and internalize this and decide if you want to R or D, but not based on what she's told you, that's been a near complete fabrication from the start. The truth is far closer to this; yes, of course they've had sex. Probably a lot of sex, multiple times a day if they can, and probably in some compromising situations (at work, in public, etc), especially if there's no other place for them to go. Yes, you've probably had sex with her on the same day as her AP, and yes, he probably went first. Yes, she probably was freakier in bed with him than she is with you. All of these truths are near universal when dealing with WWs. Yes, there are exceptions, and hopefully some of them will come and post to temper my statements, but I've been here for a few months now, read 100's of stories and have my own story; almost all of which agree with what I'm saying above. It's the "WW script".

 

If you can't accept that, you might as well start D proceedings. You can probably get the truth out of your wife, but, even the "truth" will be the watered down version. Yes, we had sex, a few times a day when I was working, but it wasn't that great. OK, closer to the truth, but still not true. Of course the sex was pretty awesome; you kept doing it. Now, let me give the counterpoint, sex is mostly mental, so it wasn't the OM making that sex awesome, it was the situation/risk/wrongness of it that made it awesome, but, still, expect that this is another truth from the A.

 

What to do? If you can accept the above narrative (which I'd bet a lot of money is closer to the truth than what you've gotten) and your W seems remorseful and wants to fix it, then start fixing it. No contact, change jobs, blow up the AP's life. Pretty standard stuff, make sure the A is over and then start healing. Get into IC and then MC when your ready. Talk to your W, and get her to start telling you the truth, not just about the A, but the truth about her. Figure out where her boundaries fell apart and help her understand what's wrong. It's ALWAYS incumbent on the woman to reject male sexual advances, we pursue, they reject. She has to internalize and understand this otherwise the next guy who talks nice to her she'll fall into bed with and you'll be back here again.

 

There are a lot of great posters here that can provide more insight than I can, but know that the opinions here are just that, opinions. None of us know your W and your relationship. People told me to D my W and never look back. I didn't, because I see something in her that they can't; they've never met her and only know of her behavior during the A (which, like your W, was terrible). So take all the advice, integrate the pieces that speak to you and drop the rest. If you want to D, take the advice that will lead you that way. If you want to R, take that advice.

 

If you W wants to R and you want to R, you CAN R. You can't do it alone though, and, until the trickle truth stops, she's not trying to R, she's trying to control and manipulate you. If R is your goal, that has to be your first step, get the truth. If D is your goal, honestly, I wouldn't even care, just go to the attorney today and get it started. The "truth" of the A will hurt you badly, trust me. No reason to carry that baggage if you're going to D her, just get it over with and move on.

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I know it's all on me and the ball is in my court, but I feel so stuck.

 

Sorry for replying to myself, but I saw two other things on a re-read of your post that needed comment.

 

NO, NO NO! It's not all on you, in fact, it's not even a little bit on you! The ball is in her court to R, it's in your court to D, if you choose to. But this is NOT your mess to fix, it's hers. Yes, you need to show up, and you need to help her at times to find the way you need her to fix it. But you DO NOT need to be fixing it yourself. In fact, you CANNOT fix it yourself. If she wants to fix it, AND you want to be with her, then "show up" and be present for her when she's working on the relationship. That's your responsibility. But fixing it? You didn't break it, she did. She has to do the majority of the work to put it back together!

 

Did she knowingly and willingly involve herself in an affair, or was she pressured by her boss and she was scared? Then why continue to engage in texting after the kissing happened? Why agree to meet up, after these kisses took place. If she was so scared, that's not exactly a way of showing fear. I don't know what to believe anymore. She refuses to call it an affair, and can barely say the word cheated. She calls it a mistake. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel that "sinky heart" feeling, obviously still heartbroken. I wish I could forgive her and save what we had, but I still can't get past it. I just don't know what to do.

 

Going to be gentle here because you're new, but.. Wake up. Of COURSE she knowingly and willingly did this. He didn't hold her hostage. He didn't beat her. He didn't have her family in a dungeon somewhere. She willingly did it, in fact, she probably initiated it at times. I know, it's hard to think that, but it's the truth, I can guarantee you of that. She wasn't scared, people who are scared of someone don't meet them in the parking lot at 10PM for sex. She might claim all these things, but they are fabrications. She was horny, she wanted to have sex with him, and she made situation appear where she could. Simple as that.

 

You haven't even gotten the truth yet, not even close, so "forgiving" is a long way away. People on here will say it takes 2-5 years to recover from this. I hope they are wrong (5 months in right now), but, since they've been right about so much already, I'll go with their estimates. This isn't a "cry one night about it and it's OK tomorrow" thing. It's a long journey. And you're not even started on it yet because she's still lying about the physical aspects nearly entirely.

 

It's not your problem to fix. Read that until it sinks in. It's not your fault, and you didn't cause it. It's on her, and if she wants to fix it, she has to start by telling you what you want to know. Until you get there, she might as well still be cheating; for most of us, the lies are by far the hardest part of the A. Watching the person you love lie to your face is a feeling that just causes indescribable pain.

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I cringed while reading your story bc I can tell that you reeeeally want to believe her. But come on....you know they had sex....a lot of times. A "we kissed and groped" admission from an adult most definitely always = we were going after it like rabbits.

 

Demand the truth. If you don't get it, demand a polygraph.

Believe me, the threat of exposing to her family will result in a confession before the poly every happens. And tell the OM's wife. Telling her will wind up giving to a lot more of the truth than you have right now.

 

Now, one other thing you need to come to terms with is this...she KNEW that even kissing could result in a divorce. Yet she had sex with him anyway, many times.

She decided that having affair sex was more important than you, her husband. She chose the affair over you. You don't even know why she quit. My guess is her boss broke it off with her. Can you handle being the second choice? If you can, then great, reconcile with her, but ON YOUR TERMS, which is getting the entire truth out if her mouth.

 

This wasn't a mistake. This was a series of choices to betray you, again and again and again. Literally thousands of choices. Thoughts of him consumed her during this time period, and you were an afterthought that wasn't worth consideration Now, can you get past all of this? If yes, them reconcile.

 

You don't have kids with her, so there's that. You are in a position that so many people on here wish they could've been in: you can have a clean break and not have to destroy children's lives.

 

But the first thing you have to do is make her gone you the entire truth.

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Hey everyone,

I'm now 37 years old, and scared to death of starting over and finding somebody new at my age. I feel like it's end of the world, with no hope for a family.

 

Washed up @ 37!? Don't allow yourself to be convinced of this. There are always plenty of single people out there.

 

I don't know what state you are in, but some have very strict sexual harassment laws. You may want to call her bluff and say you want to start legal proceedings against her former boss, which would mean her giving statements under oath, private investigators, police, polygraphs, etc. Remind her perjury could mean jail time for her.

 

You owe it to yourself to find out the truth. Is this really the kind of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? People find their soul mates regardless of their age, and you could to.

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understand50

Dobber,

 

The only currency she has now to give you is truth, and honesty. Until you are satisfied, you have the whole truth, you can not move on. You need to keep digging, and you also may have to divorce. Many here have given you good advise. Let the OM wife know, let his work know, expose. This should get the truth out. If it is worse then she has admitted, then you know, and can take action. My advise, is to take action. Just staying as you are is what is making you a wreck. What is your plan to move forward?

 

I wish you luck....

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Thanks to all for the warm wishes and advice.

 

My wife is 31 for some who were wondering. I'm from Canada as well.

I have tried for months now to get her to admit to anything more than just the kisses and groping, but she is having none of it any longer. She kicks and screams whenever this is brought up anymore at this point, and has even said many times she can't handle this punishment anymore. She wants things to be normal again, and I feel it won't be until I get the total truth. But what is the ending to this? How will I ever know whether there was more or not. She screams this is the whole truth, and there was never anything that happened under the clothes. She has begged for forgiveness, apologized, says she loves me everyday, but says if I can't forgive and believe her, maybe we should split.

The last 5 months have been hell and she can't handle it anymore.

 

She says everything that happened was not pre meditated, she didn't go looking for anything, and puts it all on him. She only admits to having a good friendly working relationship with him, and when he came onto her, she let it happen and didn't know how to stop it.

 

My wife is the type you can't tell her what to do against her own will, or she'll hold out, out of spite. She uses the excuse of my pressuring her for a baby, that lead her to rebel and show a side of weakness at a time when her boss came on to her, and she let it happen. She wasn't ready for a baby, and she says I wasn't listening to her concerns as to why she wasn't ready. She's also a people pleaser, and can adapt to anyone she's around. Her boss was a loud mouth, potty mouth piece of $hit, who put her under a spell. With her being a people pleaser, I can see how she could be manipulated but it's still no excuse. There's never an excuse for cheating in my opinion. She blames herself for allowing it to happen, she hates herself, and apologized a million times, simple as that, and that's all she willing to give me. So for arguments sake, if it really was just the kissing, is that still enough to leave her? Does it really matter if there was sex or not?

 

She refuses to call it an affair, because she didn't seek anything, there were no hotel rooms, and no sex.. so she says. We know a friend going through something a lot worse, where he was having an affair with sex, hotels, gifts, secret meetings etc for well over a year. So she is comparing our situation to theirs, and says they don't even compare.

 

She quit her job because I found out what was going on, and she knew I would have left her already had she still been working there.

 

I haven't played the polygraph card yet. Bboth of our families do know. Her parents were furious with her, and very disappointed and say they would not hold anything against me should I choose to leave her. My parents were also shocked and disappointed, but they would like to see me forgive her and save what we have.

 

It's been 5 months with this on my mind every single minute of every day. I feel like I'm losing my mind because I can't let it go or stop thinking about it. I sometimes feel we are just prolonging the inevitable. I wish I could forgive and find a way to save what we have, but I don't know how, or if it's even possible. I walk by our wedding pictures on the wall every day and I just shake my head, asking myself how the hell can this be happening. So many good memories to go down the toilet, it's depressing. I fear if we split, I may never fully trust anybody again, or fearful of this ever happening again with somebody else.

 

Anyway, thanks again for the lending ears.

Edited by Dobber80
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Hi Dobber

 

I'm so sorry that you find yourself where you do. It just sucks and nobody deserves it man. We are here for you.

 

I am a former cheater (now reformed and doing well in reconciliation). From my former wayward point of view, I have good news and bad news.

 

Let's get the sh**ty bit out of the way first...the bad news....

 

I would bet my house on it that they have had a full PA, just as others are saying. I recognise myself just after D-day in what you post about her actions and words. This is straight ot of the "caught red-handed cheater handbook" - deny, deny, deny, only admit what's already been discovered, minimise, cry to get sympathy...and to create a diversion.

 

Even though she brought it on herself, know that she's in hell too, just as you are and she is in survival mode. This explains her behaviour, which is classic caught cheater behaviour and mirrors 1000 other posts on here.

 

Now for the better stuff....the good news.

 

If you both want to, you CAN reconcile, and if you put the hard work in, the marriage can be better than ever and you can put a steel fence around it together to ensure this never happens again.

 

You need to get to a point where you can both talk openly and freely like adults together whenever you want to and without both breaking down crying and/or getting defensive and angry. This takes a lot of effort on both parts, but you and she will do it if you really both want it. When you can feel comfortable that she has finally got her guard down and is speaking honestly, you can really start to try to understand what happened and why - and so can she - she genuinely may not know. I know that I was and still am very confused about exactly why I let this happen in my own M.

 

Inevitably, it may be that you will never know EVERY detail of it, she may have even forgotten some details herself, and some may just be too painful or embarrassing for her to tell, but if you can get to a place where you feel she is at least trying to be honest with you, this is a good start.

 

I am nearly two years into reconciliation now and my wife and I are finding layers to our relationship that perhaps we hadn't even discovered before the A, because now we are trying so hard. This is great, but of course we still live under that shadow.

 

Good luck and please keep posting Dobber!

 

We are here.

Edited by jenkins95
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I should also mention, when I found out back in January, she literally walked around the house for weeks like a zombie. Uttering to herself "Oh my God, What have I done", "I can't live my life without you", "I don't want to start over", over and over like a broken record. Pacing back and forth, and even went on anti anxiety meds for over a month in fear of me leaving.

 

I feel I don't need to know all the tiny details, I just want to know if there was more than just kissing and groping. And if not, is my marriage worth saving? Is it still considered an affair if it was 4 or 5 kisses at work only? As mentioned before, she isn't budging any more.

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BluesPower

You have to get real...

 

She has to submit to a poly, bottom line and if she won't then you divorce.

 

You have no idea what you are trying to forgive. Her behavior suggests gas lighting from the very beginning.

 

As I said before she is lying. She will also say that Poly's are unreliable and not perfect. You don't need them to be perfect you just need to understand what is going on. If they are good enough for the CIA they are good enough for your wife.

 

So I will tell you what happened... They were screwing every chance that they could while at lunch and work. Just like some have said.

 

Here is the deal, adults do not kiss and grope like teenagers. They have sex.

 

Do the poly the way we said and do not take no for an answer...

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If you want the wondering to end, POLYGRAPH. Best $400 you'll ever spend. Stop putting yourself through the agony of wondering if she's lying. You will never really be able to trust her if you can't verify what she's telling you.

 

As a former cheater, I'll tell you this. I'd bet my last dollar she had sex with him.

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So the next time you want a baby she is going to screw het boss and have his?

 

She cheated, get out before you have kids.

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