Any regarding No contact ?

[betacharlie]

Hi All,

First off sorry for the long post - but looking for advice as I am really sinking.

 

My husband and I separated bout 6 months ago. We are married 2.5 years. We are from another country working here on permit visas. So basically I don’t have too many friends or social circle.

It was an abusive marriage - first he got physically violent in the first six months of marriage(without any real provocation). I had endured months of emotional violence and finally when he strangled me i called the cops. There was a DV case and I foolishly went and supported him. After 6 months staying apart ( all the while talking and meeting and being loving) we began to stay together again - for about 9 months- in all that time ( in which we lived together) he was extremely abusive constantly blaming, humiliating, denying, aggressive and basically being an absentee husband. He never spoke to my family. His family was also very cold towards me and never called to find out our well being. After about 6 months I found out he has an affair, I confronted and he hotly denied. Hugged, kissed, cried, cuddled. Took me out to dinner and came home in time the next couple days. I desperately wanted to believe him so I let go. However after a few days he started repeating his behavior, and after 3 months or so I found solid evidence he has affair. She’s his senior at work and seems rather smitten with him.

We finally got into an argument, I confronted, he hit me again and this time the neighbors called the cops hearing me scream. He is now involved in another DV case, we are living separately.

Initially we talked , I told him unless he gives me everything - all proof that he has no involvement with her - I will not go back. He finally admitted to the affair about 5 months ago, cried and apologized, opened a few things like his phone bill but not whatsapp, gchat, etc. He tells me there is nothing more with her, but he is still working with her.He tells me he cannot leave since as an international worker he will not find a job else where because of background check.

Sometimes I follow him and I see that he is still going out to smoke with her. I don’t have a way of finding out what he does behind my back. I have told him to not contact me again till he gives me everything- but I am finding it very hard to implement this No Contact. He keeps trying to call me - every night incessantly. But when i ask him what he wants for our future- he says he does not know. Initially he had said that he would go for therapy, but I don’t see much action. Also , since they both work together and hang out- I highly doubt they are over. I wonder why he calls me though and cries when I ask him to leave me alone ? What does he want ? Does anyone have any clue ?

I am also not sure how to deal with the loneliness of NC protocol - I keep thinking he would be with her and I am kind of pushing him away when he has said that he would do what it takes to fix it ( although I don’t see much action). He asks me to get the restraining order lifted so he can communicate freely with me, but I am v skeptical. I am really confused what to do – considering divorce, but if I am thinking about him all the time, then what is the point of signing the papers? I wonder what is wrong with me that I keep trying to make this man change and hoping that he would come around. He keeps giving mixed messages - Calling every night, texting all day, checking on me, expressing jealousy when I don’t respond, being affectionate and showing concern about me off and on, I just don’t know what he wants.

I told him these mixed messages confuse me and he needs to take a stand- either fix everything or get the f*** out of my life. However, I am really challenged with my loneliness and keep feeling guilty to go seek out other men. I really don’t understand myself right now. Can anyone help ?

 

Thanks !

[Mrs. John Adams]

Why would anyone want to stay with a man who is both emotionally and physically abusive? and in additon is a cheater.

 

Please tell me his redeeming qualities that make him worth risking your life for?

 

I know you are frightened....but there is no logical reason to take this man back.

[reboot]

Why would anyone want to stay with a man who is both emotionally and physically abusive? and in additon is a cheater.

 

Please tell me his redeeming qualities that make him worth risking your life for?

 

I know you are frightened....but there is no logical reason to take this man back.

 

I just wanted OP to read this twice.

[betacharlie]

Why would anyone want to stay with a man who is both emotionally and physically abusive? and in additon is a cheater.

 

Please tell me his redeeming qualities that make him worth risking your life for?

 

I know you are frightened....but there is no logical reason to take this man back.

 

He calls and cries, says he will make amends, I am not sure myself why I feel so attached. I am in therapy. I keep wondering why he does that though - when he would not do what I ask which is so basic - as to give the full disclosure. I am confused.

[mercy]

....challenged with my loneliness....

 

You want to fix him and make him into who you want him to be. If you could then your loneliness would go away.

 

Wrong.

 

Be honest with yourself. His kind of 'love' is painful, physically and mentally.

 

Loneliness,you can comfort yourself, personally, I'd rather feel that then the pain of words and broken bones.

 

And read Mrs.JohnAdams words again. Third time is a charm.

[Unforseen]

Even if the abuse is not currently happening there are many good resources available to you for support or if you need someone to talk to immediately. The link below may be a good place to start.

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

 

Take care of yourself and be safe. There is nothing you could possibly have done to 'deserve' the treatment you have received from him. His actions and abusive behavior show that there are things wrong with him.

[betacharlie]

Thank you for that. I will call and start talking to someone. I do want to ask again though - does anyone figure what his motivations could be in calling me and crying and begging ? Is it just a hook to keep me glued or i wonder if he feels anything genuine ?

[Krtk]

Hi All,

First off sorry for the long post - but looking for advice as I am really sinking.

 

My husband and I separated bout 6 months ago. We are married 2.5 years. We are from another country working here on permit visas. So basically I don’t have too many friends or social circle.

It was an abusive marriage - first he got physically violent in the first six months of marriage(without any real provocation). I had endured months of emotional violence and finally when he strangled me i called the cops. There was a DV case and I foolishly went and supported him. After 6 months staying apart ( all the while talking and meeting and being loving) we began to stay together again - for about 9 months- in all that time ( in which we lived together) he was extremely abusive constantly blaming, humiliating, denying, aggressive and basically being an absentee husband. He never spoke to my family. His family was also very cold towards me and never called to find out our well being. After about 6 months I found out he has an affair, I confronted and he hotly denied. Hugged, kissed, cried, cuddled. Took me out to dinner and came home in time the next couple days. I desperately wanted to believe him so I let go. However after a few days he started repeating his behavior, and after 3 months or so I found solid evidence he has affair. She’s his senior at work and seems rather smitten with him.

We finally got into an argument, I confronted, he hit me again and this time the neighbors called the cops hearing me scream. He is now involved in another DV case, we are living separately.

Initially we talked , I told him unless he gives me everything - all proof that he has no involvement with her - I will not go back. He finally admitted to the affair about 5 months ago, cried and apologized, opened a few things like his phone bill but not whatsapp, gchat, etc. He tells me there is nothing more with her, but he is still working with her.He tells me he cannot leave since as an international worker he will not find a job else where because of background check.

Sometimes I follow him and I see that he is still going out to smoke with her. I don’t have a way of finding out what he does behind my back. I have told him to not contact me again till he gives me everything- but I am finding it very hard to implement this No Contact. He keeps trying to call me - every night incessantly. But when i ask him what he wants for our future- he says he does not know. Initially he had said that he would go for therapy, but I don’t see much action. Also , since they both work together and hang out- I highly doubt they are over. I wonder why he calls me though and cries when I ask him to leave me alone ? What does he want ? Does anyone have any clue ?

I am also not sure how to deal with the loneliness of NC protocol - I keep thinking he would be with her and I am kind of pushing him away when he has said that he would do what it takes to fix it ( although I don’t see much action). He asks me to get the restraining order lifted so he can communicate freely with me, but I am v skeptical. I am really confused what to do – considering divorce, but if I am thinking about him all the time, then what is the point of signing the papers? I wonder what is wrong with me that I keep trying to make this man change and hoping that he would come around. He keeps giving mixed messages - Calling every night, texting all day, checking on me, expressing jealousy when I don’t respond, being affectionate and showing concern about me off and on, I just don’t know what he wants.

I told him these mixed messages confuse me and he needs to take a stand- either fix everything or get the f*** out of my life. However, I am really challenged with my loneliness and keep feeling guilty to go seek out other men. I really don’t understand myself right now. Can anyone help ?

 

Thanks !

 

Firstly you must think the other way around, it shouldn't be what he wants but what you want you been hurt, humiliated, abused so that what you must think, maybe your husband have some kind of mental illness or emotional imbalance you are with him atleast 1.5yrs right apart from separation period all he did is being abusive and cold to you, he can only be good when he has some sort of problem that a kind of defense mechanism so think before you get yourself into the same spot again then you still feel affectionate towards him if want to give him a chance tell him to get in therapy ASAP tell him to cut all ties with OW Outside work strictly no hanging outside NC should be implemented between them and tell him that calling and texting is not enough to get you back, if he really wants you back tell him to be completely open no hidden of anything and change his behavior otherwise there's no chance you'll be safe and good with this man.

[betacharlie]

Firstly you must think the other way around, it shouldn't be what he wants but what you want you been hurt, humiliated, abused so that what you must think, maybe your husband have some kind of mental illness or emotional imbalance you are with him atleast 1.5yrs right apart from separation period all he did is being abusive and cold to you, he can only be good when he has some sort of problem that a kind of defense mechanism so think before you get yourself into the same spot again then you still feel affectionate towards him if want to give him a chance tell him to get in therapy ASAP tell him to cut all ties with OW Outside work strictly no hanging outside NC should be implemented between them and tell him that calling and texting is not enough to get you back, if he really wants you back tell him to be completely open no hidden of anything and change his behavior otherwise there's no chance you'll be safe and good with this man.

 

Thanks for the advice. yes I feel like he is mentally unstable too. I have tried telling him all this- he says he will do it, that he does not speak to her, that he will try therapy etc.But my family tells me that he is only pretending since there is a case hearing pending. he does not want to antagonize me and get his case ruined so he is pretending. I want to just be able to be objective and see clearly the truth for what it is. when he howls and cries after three days of not talking to me - i cannot understand if he really misses me or just crying for himself and his fears ? I am told its the latter but I am just struggling with these mixed emotions.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Seeetheart...you THINK he is mentally unstable? He grabbed you by the throat!

 

People don't grab other people by the throat for ANY reason! And if they do... yes it is safe to say they are mentally unstable.

 

He calls you and cries and begs because he is trying to manipulate you to let him come home.

 

No!!!the answer is NO you don't live here anymore... go home with your boss.

 

You do not deserve for ANYONE to put their hands around your neck for any reason!

 

You have been provided a link to contact for help.

 

There are hotlines and groups to talk to that are a phone call away.

 

Please please please do not ever let this man come home... please love and respect yourself more than you love him. Don't let loneliness endanger your life.

 

He is violent and he could kill you. Please don't let him hurt you ever again.

[betacharlie]

Seeetheart...you THINK he is mentally unstable? He grabbed you by the throat!

 

People don't grab other people by the throat for ANY reason! And if they do... yes it is safe to say they are mentally unstable.

 

He calls you and cries and begs because he is trying to manipulate you to let him come home.

 

No!!!the answer is NO you don't live here anymore... go home with your boss.

 

You do not deserve for ANYONE to put their hands around your neck for any reason!

 

You have been provided a link to contact for help.

 

There are hotlines and groups to talk to that are a phone call away.

 

Please please please do not ever let this man come home... please love and respect yourself more than you love him. Don't let loneliness endanger your life.

 

He is violent and he could kill you. Please don't let him hurt you ever again.

 

Thank you so much for the support ! I really appreciate it. I did actually chat with the hotline support people and asked them why he calls - could it any form of love and this is what they said -

 

"For many abusers, they love you in the way they would love a car or a horse.Abuse at its root is about power and control, feeling entitled to make all the decisions,to treat you however they feel at that moment, because they see you as a thing that they own/are entitled to. That is why many abusive partners get so upset when you do anything counter to what they want,because you don't expect your car to talk back or act up either."

[mercy]

That is why many abusive partners get so upset when you do anything counter to what they want,because you don't expect your car to talk back or act up either."

 

 

So are you an inanimate object or are you a strong young woman with a voice of your own? I vote woman.

[Krtk]

Thanks for the advice. yes I feel like he is mentally unstable too. I have tried telling him all this- he says he will do it, that he does not speak to her, that he will try therapy etc.But my family tells me that he is only pretending since there is a case hearing pending. he does not want to antagonize me and get his case ruined so he is pretending. I want to just be able to be objective and see clearly the truth for what it is. when he howls and cries after three days of not talking to me - i cannot understand if he really misses me or just crying for himself and his fears ? I am told its the latter but I am just struggling with these mixed emotions.

 

OK now the second dv case you mentioned is it because of his physical abuse when you confronted him. Now it's time you to take control of situation there you see he's not taking you seriously he tells he will but I'm almost sure he won't just give you a impression of it and make you believe that's what he's trying to do tell him clearly it's now or never either he do what you asked to make things right or get out from your life and also his crying and begging won't count for anything remember you cried and begged throughout marriage to change his behavior and be caring and loving does it change any of his attitude I highly doubt it.

[betacharlie]

So are you an inanimate object or are you a strong young woman with a voice of your own? I vote woman.

 

I always used to think I am a strong woman who can stand up for myself, but now I feel like I have lost a lot of self esteem. I am obsessed all the time thinking about him and her and how she gets to have his best parts (charming,suave professional who is all progressive - its an act though), and I get to suffer his regressive,abusive ways. I just want to yank myself out and move on with my life. That's why I keep coming here and reading and posting - since people in my life wonder why I cant just dump him and leave. I don't have answers to them or to myself either- I am really trying to break my emotional bond but I am sorry I don't have a switch that just turns off. i wish wish wish I did though.

[Mr Blunt]

You have identified your major problems; low self-esteem and in emotional bondage to him.

 

This is why I often tell people like you to focus completely on yourself, get all the help you can get, and force yourself to take the action that people who have been there and succeeded have taken.

 

Your thoughts and emotions are keeping you in emotional bondage. Every time you start to have thoughts about him and her that is when you force yourself to change your thoughts; get all the help you can on this issue. Change your thoughts to concentrate on your plan that you have made with those who counsel you. What is your plan?

 

You are in danger of becoming like the moth drawn to the flame!

[BTDT2012]

He beats you and cheats on you. There is no upside here. Focus on you, love yourself. He is no prize, let her have him. When he calls, let it go to voicemail. We only get one life. Don't wait for him to remove himself from your life, evict him from your life.

[usa1ah]

Thank you for that. I will call and start talking to someone. I do want to ask again though - does anyone figure what his motivations could be in calling me and crying and begging ? Is it just a hook to keep me glued or i wonder if he feels anything genuine ?

 

To save face so he doesn't look like the bad guy.

[wmacbride]

Hi All,

First off sorry for the long post - but looking for advice as I am really sinking.

 

My husband and I separated bout 6 months ago. We are married 2.5 years. We are from another country working here on permit visas. So basically I don’t have too many friends or social circle.

It was an abusive marriage - first he got physically violent in the first six months of marriage(without any real provocation). I had endured months of emotional violence and finally when he strangled me i called the cops. There was a DV case and I foolishly went and supported him. After 6 months staying apart ( all the while talking and meeting and being loving) we began to stay together again - for about 9 months- in all that time ( in which we lived together) he was extremely abusive constantly blaming, humiliating, denying, aggressive and basically being an absentee husband. He never spoke to my family. His family was also very cold towards me and never called to find out our well being. After about 6 months I found out he has an affair, I confronted and he hotly denied. Hugged, kissed, cried, cuddled. Took me out to dinner and came home in time the next couple days. I desperately wanted to believe him so I let go. However after a few days he started repeating his behavior, and after 3 months or so I found solid evidence he has affair. She’s his senior at work and seems rather smitten with him.

We finally got into an argument, I confronted, he hit me again and this time the neighbors called the cops hearing me scream. He is now involved in another DV case, we are living separately.

Initially we talked , I told him unless he gives me everything - all proof that he has no involvement with her - I will not go back. He finally admitted to the affair about 5 months ago, cried and apologized, opened a few things like his phone bill but not whatsapp, gchat, etc. He tells me there is nothing more with her, but he is still working with her.He tells me he cannot leave since as an international worker he will not find a job else where because of background check.

Sometimes I follow him and I see that he is still going out to smoke with her. I don’t have a way of finding out what he does behind my back. I have told him to not contact me again till he gives me everything- but I am finding it very hard to implement this No Contact. He keeps trying to call me - every night incessantly. But when i ask him what he wants for our future- he says he does not know. Initially he had said that he would go for therapy, but I don’t see much action. Also , since they both work together and hang out- I highly doubt they are over. I wonder why he calls me though and cries when I ask him to leave me alone ? What does he want ? Does anyone have any clue ?

I am also not sure how to deal with the loneliness of NC protocol - I keep thinking he would be with her and I am kind of pushing him away when he has said that he would do what it takes to fix it ( although I don’t see much action). He asks me to get the restraining order lifted so he can communicate freely with me, but I am v skeptical. I am really confused what to do – considering divorce, but if I am thinking about him all the time, then what is the point of signing the papers? I wonder what is wrong with me that I keep trying to make this man change and hoping that he would come around. He keeps giving mixed messages - Calling every night, texting all day, checking on me, expressing jealousy when I don’t respond, being affectionate and showing concern about me off and on, I just don’t know what he wants.

I told him these mixed messages confuse me and he needs to take a stand- either fix everything or get the f*** out of my life. However, I am really challenged with my loneliness and keep feeling guilty to go seek out other men. I really don’t understand myself right now. Can anyone help ?

 

Thanks !

 

 

right now, the A isn't what's important. Your physical safety is.

 

Get in touch with a domestic abuse crisis line in your area ( in both the USA and Canada, there are organizations that help non-citizens and those with visa get help for domestic abuse, so don't let your visa status stop you) they will be able to help you get out. they can also set you up with counseling to help you sort through all of this.

 

Take it from me. You can't help him. He needs to help himself, and right now, he doesn't want to. It almost always gets worse, and next time, you might not be able to tell anyone about it.

 

Here's a few links that might help. I'm sorry if they are not on point, but some fo the information might help you.

 

http://theunn.com/2017/03/the-domestic-violence-green-card-immigrant-visa-petitions-for-victims/

 

http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=10268&state_code=US

 

abuse hotline

 

( USA)

 

http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/immigrate/sponsor/abuse.asp (canada)

 

http://www.dawncanada.net/issues/issues/we-can-tell-and-we-will-tell-2/crisis-hotlines/

Edited May 25, 2017 by wmacbride

[betacharlie]

You have identified your major problems; low self-esteem and in emotional bondage to him.

 

This is why I often tell people like you to focus completely on yourself, get all the help you can get, and force yourself to take the action that people who have been there and succeeded have taken.

 

Your thoughts and emotions are keeping you in emotional bondage. Every time you start to have thoughts about him and her that is when you force yourself to change your thoughts; get all the help you can on this issue. Change your thoughts to concentrate on your plan that you have made with those who counsel you. What is your plan?

 

You are in danger of becoming like the moth drawn to the flame!

I am not sure what my plan is as of now. I am just struggling with these thoughts. i feel very isolated- just go to work and then to the dance class in the evening. No friends. I am constantly plagued by his thoughts and the vaccum - although logically I know its pointless and dangerous to go back. It just does not sink into my being and I keep imagining in my head him coming back and making this work. I still think of myself as his wife- although these days I catch myself thinking that and remind myself that there is no US - its ME now and I am soon to be single.

I guess I will scouting this forum for suggestions from people who have come out successful on the other side. I know I need to. I have talked to attorneys and am going to select one. I will at least get the paper work ready - and get it served when I find the courage to do so. I am not sure what else i have to do for a plan, I sometimes feel like I am just sleepwalking through life.

[betacharlie]

Thank you ! This is very helpful.

[betacharlie]

right now, the A isn't what's important. Your physical safety is.

 

Get in touch with a domestic abuse crisis line in your area ( in both the USA and Canada, there are organizations that help non-citizens and those with visa get help for domestic abuse, so don't let your visa status stop you) they will be able to help you get out. they can also set you up with counseling to help you sort through all of this.

 

Take it from me. You can't help him. He needs to help himself, and right now, he doesn't want to. It almost always gets worse, and next time, you might not be able to tell anyone about it.

 

Here's a few links that might help. I'm sorry if they are not on point, but some fo the information might help you.

 

The ?Domestic Violence Green Card?: Immigrant Visa Petitions for Victims ? The Universal News Network

 

WomensLaw.org | Immigration

 

abuse hotline

 

( USA)

 

Help for spouses or partners who are victims of abuse (canada)

 

Crisis Hotlines - DAWN Canada

 

Thank you for this. I will find out more.

[wmacbride]

Thank you for this. I will find out more.

 

Good, please do.

 

If you have any pets etc. that you don't want to leave behind ( some women will stay with their abuser rather than leave their pets behind because they might be in danger) there's programs that can help with that too- I don't know if that is an issue for you or not, but just in case it is, there are options.

[mightycpa]

I really don't understand why you didn't get angry about it the first time, much less when it happened again. Not sure wh you're not angry now.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Betacharlie, from your opening post it appears that you are possibly from some Asian country. I say this because you are in the US(?) on a work visa and secondly the abusive behaviour that you have mentioned is the hallmark of those societies where women ate considered the property of their men. Most Asian societies are afflicted by this attitude except those which are forward looking and have progressed towards a liberalized environment.

 

I wanted to ask you if your marriage was an arranged one or a love marriage? Also are your visas linked in the sense that if you decide to ho back to your country your husband's visa will be revoked? If this is not the case then maybe with a restraining order against him and a Police case registered against his name, there are chances that he may face deportation which is something he obviously does not want. Is his AP from the same country as the two of you?

 

The other obvious fact is that when he was abusive the first time and you called the cops and you then supported him and gave him a second chance he repaid you by abusing and physically assaulting you. As they say "Once bitten twice shy". You have to believe who he has demonstrated he is. If you drop the DV case and take him back he will do the same thing all over again.

 

One reason why he wants you to take him back and drop charges against him may be because with the present case against him if you report his affair to his HR department and produce the proof that he has physically abused you and has a DV case against him, both he and his AP may lose their jobs. This could be the reason he wants you to drop the case and take him back. If you do so you will have no leg to stand on in the future as he may project that you have a habit of making complaints that he is abusive whereas there is really no reason for you to do so and you are just a paranoid person who needs psychological counselling. Please tread carefully and be very deliberate in your actions. Give due thought to everything. If you can get s family member to come and join you like, say, your mother for a whole, then try and do so. This will boost your morale. How long before your visa expires or is due for renewal? That may be the time for you to return permanently to your country. Hope some of this helps you. Warm wishes.

[Jersey born raised]

A question you both have work visas, if his gets pulled, do you lose your? I would think not, put laws can have kinks. At some point you will need to return to your home country, unless you want and Dan arrange to stay here, perhaps asylum? Is what you return to holding you back?

 

Look, if you get his visa pulled he is out of the country so your safe and can rebuild your life in peace.

 

Second he loves validation and who ever he can get it from. The characteristics you mention in him are fools gold. Find real gold.