Aftermath

[freewheelgirl]

1 month post Dday..

 

I guess I just need to vent before I do something I'll regret.

My SO had an 8 month on AGAIN off again emotional affair with his ex. The story is long, and I'm broken by the details so I will spare you but it's your typical EA. I would find little hint grenades every now and then.

 

Confront. Deny. Break. Repeat.

 

Back in April of 2015 I was on the IPad. I pull up safari and there it is, in plain sight..her nudes/posts to a site that he was looking at along with other porn paraphernalia. I don't care about the porn but the ex, it was too personal and it hurt me deeply. So much so that I remembered her username on the site and would occasionally search it on this popular site. She posted from time to time, always directed at him. I confronted, and I thought it stopped for good.

 

Until this morning, I looked at his history and he had logged into an imgur account. There in his images were those pictures, a lot of them too. He had created the account back in July so he would have them saved, I know because that's all he had on there. No other activity whatsoever.

 

So here I am again, broken. Thanks to my constant need to dig, because there's always something, right?

 

I don't want to feel this anymore. I know that he has changed and made every attempt to make things better but I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be enough for him. All of this happened in a time where I thought we were blissfully happy. So what's going to happen when things get tough in life?

 

I feel like nothing. Most of the self esteem I once had is long gone and STRANGELY I feel myself wanting to do what's been done to me. I feel like sending a guy nudes or worse, posting them to a site for the world to see.

 

Has anyone else experienced the feeling of wanting an eye for an eye, for once turning the tables and no longer being the victim but the villain? I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[mightycpa]

1 month post Dday..

 

I guess I just need to vent before I do something I'll regret.

My SO had an 8 month on AGAIN off again emotional affair with his ex. The story is long, and I'm broken by the details so I will spare you but it's your typical EA. I would find little hint grenades every now and then.

 

Confront. Deny. Break. Repeat.

 

Back in April of 2015 I was on the IPad. I pull up safari and there it is, in plain sight..her nudes/posts to a site that he was looking at along with other porn paraphernalia. I don't care about the porn but the ex, it was too personal and it hurt me deeply. So much so that I remembered her username on the site and would occasionally search it on this popular site. She posted from time to time, always directed at him. I confronted, and I thought it stopped for good.

 

Until this morning, I looked at his history and he had logged into an imgur account. There in his images were those pictures, a lot of them too. He had created the account back in July so he would have them saved, I know because that's all he had on there. No other activity whatsoever.

 

So here I am again, broken. Thanks to my constant need to dig, because there's always something, right?

 

I don't want to feel this anymore. I know that he has changed and made every attempt to make things better but I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be enough for him. All of this happened in a time where I thought we were blissfully happy. So what's going to happen when things get tough in life?

 

I feel like nothing. Most of the self esteem I once had is long gone and STRANGELY I feel myself wanting to do what's been done to me. I feel like sending a guy nudes or worse, posting them to a site for the world to see.

 

Has anyone else experienced the feeling of wanting an eye for an eye, for once turning the tables and no longer being the victim but the villain? I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Whenever I've felt that I lost somebody I loved, yes, absolutely. It's like my body craves someone else, anyone else, to replace her. My need is more physical than what you've described. Posting pictures of myself wouldn't do it for me.

[minimariah]

Has anyone else experienced the feeling of wanting an eye for an eye, for once turning the tables and no longer being the victim but the villain?

 

i have.

 

you want your power back. you want to stop feeling so helpless & you want him to feel the same pain you have been feeling. because it's pretty hard to understand how can someone repeat the same mistake over and over again - KNOWING the hurt it will bring you? it makes you mad, horribly angry.

 

i know. and i had my revenge and i can tell you from personal experience - even if it doesn't seem truthful right now - it will only make you feel worse. it's good, for about 10 minutes. but after that? you'll feel bad & you'll fall into an even deeper hole.

 

love yourself more than you love him & leave. you gave him a second chance and he blew it - not sure what your situation is, are you married... do you have kids together...? - take your time and separate. figure things out.

 

love yourself more - that's my motto. i loved my ex but there was no way i could live my life constantly waiting for him to screw up. there are better ways to live and better men to love, sweetheart... trust me. good luck!

 

p.s. use this forum to vent, when needed. when you feel like you want to take your revenge - post here, describe your fantasies and plans. do not make a move during those dark times, always wait to cool down a little.

[harrybrown]

Do not post your pictures on the internet.

 

nothing against nudity or you.

 

You do not know how some rotten people would use them.

 

Or try to use them against you.

 

Sorry for your pain.

 

She is an ex for a reason. Have you confronted him yet?

 

Do you want to go to counseling with him or are you done?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Dont stoop to his level....paybacks will only hurt you in the long run.

 

YOu know...I have a really hard time understanding why young people...who are not married and who have no children...but are already having infidelity issues....stay together.

 

I will tell you what i would tell my own daughter. Walk not run out of this realtionship. He has already hurt you...TWICE...and chances are if you were to stay together...he will hurt you again. Why then would you want to stay with a man who obviously disrespects you....who is displaying completely selfish behavior....and who has destroyed your trust in him?

 

Love yourself more than this....respect yourself...and get out of this relationship.

 

It is too hard to overcome the pain and hurt to waste one more minute on this guy.

 

I know you love him....and i know it will be hard to leave....but hon you deserve better than this.

[sandylee1]

Why do you continue to tolerate this? Why don't you end the relationship?

 

When a guy cheats Pre marriage, it really shows he isn't worth keeping around IMO.

 

WIW, you'd find hundreds of men to send pics to if you wanted, but I doubt you'd feel better by doing it.

 

Certain online groups are filled with men wanting this, but they are sleazy men.

[Mr. Lucky]

Back in April of 2015 I was on the IPad. I pull up safari and there it is, in plain sight..her nudes/posts to a site that he was looking at along with other porn paraphernalia. I don't care about the porn but the ex, it was too personal and it hurt me deeply. So much so that I remembered her username on the site and would occasionally search it on this popular site. She posted from time to time, always directed at him.

 

The fact that his contact with her and access to her pictures is more important to him than the relationship with you tells you all you need to know. He's made his choice, now you should make yours.

 

Also, if he and the ex were into this kind of online activity - and you're not, that mismatch may be tough to overcome.

 

All the more reason to bail...

 

Mr. Lucky

[freewheelgirl]

Honestly, Leaving him isn't something I want to do right now. Although I feel pretty low, I do feel stronger every day. we have a newborn and I feel as though our story is only just beginning

 

I do however want to heal and feel whole again. I know I couldn't physically cheat on him but I think you guys are totally right. It would feel good to regain some power, to know that he knows what it feels like that I've shared intimate thoughts and pieces of my heart with someone else.

 

It makes me feel better to know this is a common emotion and I'm not crazy.

[Unforseen]

Ok, so you don't want to leave him right now, but you still want to get that feeling of control back and you certainly want to feel better. Please check out something called the 180. It seems like it would apply to your situation and help you achieve some of those goals.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Understanding the 180

[mikeylo]

Don't drop your morals for someone who doesn't value them. It will level the field but you won't feel good later because it's something you will do which your soul doesn't agree with. Ultimately you have to live with yourself!

[Steen719]

1 month post Dday..

 

I guess I just need to vent before I do something I'll regret.

My SO had an 8 month on AGAIN off again emotional affair with his ex. The story is long, and I'm broken by the details so I will spare you but it's your typical EA. I would find little hint grenades every now and then.

 

Confront. Deny. Break. Repeat.

 

Back in April of 2015 I was on the IPad. I pull up safari and there it is, in plain sight..her nudes/posts to a site that he was looking at along with other porn paraphernalia. I don't care about the porn but the ex, it was too personal and it hurt me deeply. So much so that I remembered her username on the site and would occasionally search it on this popular site. She posted from time to time, always directed at him. I confronted, and I thought it stopped for good.

 

Until this morning, I looked at his history and he had logged into an imgur account. There in his images were those pictures, a lot of them too. He had created the account back in July so he would have them saved, I know because that's all he had on there. No other activity whatsoever.

 

So here I am again, broken. Thanks to my constant need to dig, because there's always something, right?

 

I don't want to feel this anymore. I know that he has changed and made every attempt to make things better but I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be enough for him. All of this happened in a time where I thought we were blissfully happy. So what's going to happen when things get tough in life?

 

I feel like nothing. Most of the self esteem I once had is long gone and STRANGELY I feel myself wanting to do what's been done to me. I feel like sending a guy nudes or worse, posting them to a site for the world to see.

 

Has anyone else experienced the feeling of wanting an eye for an eye, for once turning the tables and no longer being the victim but the villain? I feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

I'm not sure I can correlate these two comments, unless I am mistaken and he has not been to that site since July.

If he has and he just logged in recently, then I'm afraid that you are in for a world of hurt. How then has he changed? Saying he has? Words are just words - no action of integrity - just words. You just had a baby and this is what he is doing? If you are determined to stay with him, you have a lot of pain ahead if you don't find out what in the world is going on with him and you both figure out how to fix this.

 

If you were my daughter or niece, I would tell you that I would help you with your new baby and lose him if this is the best he can do for you and your baby. Why would you want any less for yourself than honesty and fidelity?

 

Just a side note. When my XH cheated on me the first time, I thought the very same thing - if he can do this when everything was good, and I really thought it was, what would happen in the tough times. Well, I found out. Yep, he did it again.

 

Care about you and your baby. Rise up and love yourself.

[freewheelgirl]

I found out about the EA in April. It ended in December. Since then there has been LC and when she reaches out, he tells me and doesn't respond.

 

I don't know if he downloaded the app and logged in to view those pics, he says he didn't and completely forgot that they were even on there.

 

I feel like at this point there will always be something under the surface with his past and it causes me to dig. I know I shouldn't do it but the more time that passes, the more I want to post the anon nudes. I've had to feel my heart crumble too many times over something so stupid and I've never been one to sit back and let someone walk all over me.

[darkbloom]

It sounds like he was pretending to be happy with you while continuing his affair. That's the most dangerous situation of all. You have no idea what's real and what's pretend. You're going to spend the rest of your time with him digging and questioning. Your story may be just beginning but I can guess the middle and the end.

[Steen719]

I found out about the EA in April. It ended in December. Since then there has been LC and when she reaches out, he tells me and doesn't respond.

 

I don't know if he downloaded the app and logged in to view those pics, he says he didn't and completely forgot that they were even on there.

 

I feel like at this point there will always be something under the surface with his past and it causes me to dig. I know I shouldn't do it but the more time that passes, the more I want to post the anon nudes. I've had to feel my heart crumble too many times over something so stupid and I've never been one to sit back and let someone walk all over me.

 

You know what? This is so NOT going to help you. Come on...what in the world is that going to do for you and your children may find it online sometime. EVERYTHING, and I mean, EVERYTHING, can be found online by someone. I may not be able to figure it out, but I bet a kid could. This is so self-destructive. How would you feel if your parents saw the pictures. "Hey, dad's name, I saw someone who looked a lot like your daughter online". Do not do this. It is really a bad, bad idea. You don't want to be walked over? Leave him. Leave.

[usa1ah]

Just don't do something you will regret.

 

No face in pics if you do.

[Mr Blunt]

Freewheelgirl

I hope that you resist the temptation to post nudes; never posts nudes on the internet for everyone to see.

 

Most have advised you to dump your husband as he is a real risk to hurt you more in the future. I tend to agree. However, if you are NOT going to dump him and want to see if he can be shaken up enough to make a serious change then I have an idea.

 

If you cannot resist giving your husband his own medicine then maybe you will consider this. Do you have a real good trustworthy girlfriend or female family member? If you do set it up so that they act as a male on the internet and you can post some pictures of yourself to this female fictitious male. Let your husband somehow find out about your pictures to the fictitious male. If there is any chance that he is worth keeping then he will be furious but will feel the intense pain that comes from betrayal.

Some people change out of love but many have to feel the pain themselves! IMO.

[Superchicken]

STRANGELY I feel myself wanting to do what's been done to me. I feel like sending a guy nudes or worse, posting them to a site for the world to see.

 

OK, you can do something that will get the same exact response you want from him. Its a little mean, but has a purpose. Others may disagree, so only you can make this choice.

 

 

Its going to cost you a cheap Sim card (Phone). Maybe a prepaid or similar phone account.

Activate it, and then take nudes of yourself, and send them to your new phone number. Of course, Text is optional, so you can add "Miss you", "What you think", etc.

Then leave your phone in the texting screen with your "Picasso's" to be seen by him when he grabs your phone for "Some" reason..

 

The account is yours, so totally private, and you can delete when its all over. No leaking, no nothing..

 

Its a crappy thing to do, but he needs a wake up call on how it feels.

His will be short lived, alas, yours is forever.

Write him a letter on how and what it makes you feel like when you catch him doing what his doing. Seal it, and keep it in a safe place. When he confronts you, give it to him.

 

 

Of course, describe the fake setup, and your sim card, etc as well.

 

 

 

 

Evil (Temporary) Ted.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Of course, describe the fake setup, and your sim card, etc as well.

 

Evil (Temporary) Ted.

 

Clever ruse but I think the OP's dire straits take her past the game playing stage.

 

freewheelgirl, I'd be spending my time thinking about the life I wanted and how I'll get there. What you have now isn't it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HereNorThere]

What you allow is what will continue.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Freewheelgirl, sorry about the way you feel. If you do something despicable which you will regret the test of your life, do you think it would be worthwhile doing just to get a few hours of satisfaction. In one stroke you would have lowered yourself to the level of your SO's AP or worse. Plus your pictures would be available for any and all to play around with and use for pleasuring themselves and so on. I remember reading on another forum about a husband one of whose colleagues directed him to a website where his wife had acted in porn movies. Although he told his colleague the woman was only a lookalike and not his wife, when he looked closely he found that the videos were actually those of his wife. He had been married four years at the time and according to him she had been a good wife. However she had not disclosed that she had been in the porn industry to him when getting married. He had come to the forum asking for advice as to whether he should divorce her. The point is that once pictures and videos of a person are on the internet one loses control over them and they can be misused by unscrupulous people.

 

The other point is that I do not understand why you want to cling on to someone who has shown you exactly who he is. Your DO is unrepentant and is likely to keep up with his ex GF. In fact at a point of time he may replace you with her. It is better yo preempt him than to be a victim of his whims and fancies. You must respect your self enough to know when you must call a spade a spade. Think about it. Warm wishes.

[PinnacleStream]

Clever ruse but I think the OP's dire straits take her past the game playing stage.

 

freewheelgirl, I'd be spending my time thinking about the life I wanted and how I'll get there. What you have now isn't it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

So, I'm the OP's S.O.

I'm not here to defend my actions because quite frankly there is nothing to defend. I'm not here to provide excuses for my behaviors, only to explain that through my sins to wonderwheelgirl, I have exposed myself in such a manner that has embarrassed me to the point of fundamentally changing my perspective and core behaviors. I have made massive, and tangible changes to myself and through the help of ongoing open dialogue between us two, we have entered into a new chapter of our lives together that we are both very excited for. I'm not speaking for her, I'm speaking in regards to the conversations we have every single day, and the reassurance she gives me as well as the reassurance I attempt to provide back. She may be able to provide more information after this post, as there may be more questions in regards to me replying here to this post in the first place.

 

the fact of the matter is that we haven't had a d day event in long while, and that will continue. The events of this original post were of circumstances, and not ill intentions. And when our trust is still be mended, the brain tends to warp circumstances to fit the narrative. We are working towards a healthier relationship because of the way I handled the beginning of our relationship, it was one we both fell hard into and without any idea how serious. But now that we're here, we both feel mutually "this whom I want". I'm not speaking for her, you can ask her point blank.

Edited May 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[mightycpa]

Hmm...

I'm not here to defend my actions because quite frankly there is nothing to defend. I'm not here to provide excuses for my behaviors, only to explain that through my sins to wonderwheelgirl, I have exposed myself in such a manner that has embarrassed me to the point of fundamentally changing my perspective and core behaviors. I have made massive, and tangible changes to myself and through the help of ongoing open dialogue between us two, we have entered into a new chapter of our lives together that we are both very excited for.

So, would these massive changes have started coincident with your April d-day, or after the disclosure of your July imgur account creation?

 

Talk is cheap, my friend. Actions, on the other hand, that's where the money is.

[understand50]

PinnacleStream,

 

I have not posted on this thread, but most are only replying to what your SO wrote. From what she has wrote, you do not seem to be good life partner material. I would suggest you talk it out and find out why she feels this way.

 

You action are not of a loving husband. They are undefendable. The real question is why you will not address the issues she has brought up? I suggest you try and find remorse. Here is a thread that may be of help.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs

 

I wish you the best of luck.......

[PinnacleStream]

Hmm...So, would these massive changes have started coincident with your April d-day, or after the disclosure of your July imgur account creation?

 

Talk is cheap, my friend. Actions, on the other hand, that's where the money is.

 

Massive changes started Months prior to either of those events, the revelations are as a result of the changes. Talk is cheap, friend. That's why we are encouraged by the actions I've been displaying.

[minimariah]

...but the fact of the matter is that we haven't had a d day event in long while, and that will continue.

 

That's why we are encouraged by the actions I've been displaying.

 

your SO caught you looking at your affair partner's pictures LITERALLY SEVEN (7) DAYS AGO. what - on Earth - are you even on about...?

 

OP - girl... RUN FOR THE HILLS, as fast as you can & don't EVER look back. this is a class A manipulator you're dealing with here. good luck to you & your baby, watch your back.